Oozing Everyday

You Just Want to Shake Them

2012-01-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Moving on after the death of someone close to you is very difficult. If you have a spouse, children, close friendships, you can manage. But when your life is tied up into one person and they are suddenly taken away...what do you do? How do you help them move forward?

Life is a gift. There are so many things to look forward to:
vacations
the first day of Spring
a perfectly cooked steak
the smile of a child
new beginnings.

Some people are not strong enough to start over and your first inclination is to want to shake them into understanding! "Don't you see you are being selfish? Don't you see how many people are depending on you? Don't you see that God is not done with you yet?"

We help those in need by praying to God for the words we need to speak. We need to step back, try and step in their shoes and think about their situation. How would we handle being completely alone? How do we help them find the strength they have within themselves?

My prayer for those who are hurting is that God touches their hearts in a way they have never felt. That God stirs in their souls the need to be present in their lives in a way that is worthy of Him.

And that those of us being turned to for help ooze with compassion.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. aunts
2. diced pears
3. a clear day
4. catching a bleed early
5. newspapers

The Peanut to my Butter

2012-01-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

My adorable husbandand I are truly ones who finish each others sentences.

We know how to play"good cop bad cop" extremely well.

We enjoy simplemeals at home with our sons.

And we love eachother more than we did over 20 years ago.

I am most gratefulfor today, because 48 years ago, he was born.

His precious motherwas single and unwed (and in those daysthat was not acceptable).

But she did the mostimportant thing ever, she loved her unborn child, while unsure of the future.

Happy Birthday to myadorable husband, Joe Keith MacDonald...the peanut to my butter :)

A few of the reasons I am thankful for Joe:

1. His crazy lyrics to familiar songs
2. When he breaks out into a spontaneous dance
3. He embarrasses my teenager

4. The nightly "tickle shark" that terrorizes my sons

5. And because he loves me just the way I am.

Happy Birthday

2012-01-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Six years ago, my life changed. Yes, it was a long, awaited day as my second child came into the world...sleeping and with a perfect haircut. But what I didn't anticipate was how much my "Christian" would teach me. He came 10 years after my first child, so things had changed quite a bit. And with hemophilia....I only thought I knew what I was doing.Here we are, six years later, after more hospital visits than I can count, chemotherapy, a painful right ankle, many, many missed days of school....I could go on. But this is what counts....Love.Love in the shape of a tough as nails little boy who has already gone through more than many of us every will.Love in the shape of giggles at night with his Daddy as they have "fuzzy face" before going to bed.Love in the shape of the thrill of seeing a monster truck for the first time with his aunts.I just can't even imagine my life without him.Happy Birthday, my sweet love.Today I Am Thankful For:1. cupcakes2. presents3. new jammies4. grapes5. school friends

My Dad's Presence

2012-01-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

Being fully aware and present is a gift.

Sometimes a person simply needs to know you are there for them.

Yesterday I felt my Dad's presence as real as if we were embracing.

I am in Houston with my family to begin the process of packing my mother-in-law's home, put it up for sale, and bury her ashes. Upon our arrival we went to visit the graves of my parents. The minute I stepped out of the car, I felt my Dad. I smelled the aroma of the coffee mill. See, the mill is next to the school where my father was a principal for many, many years and is several miles away from the cemetary.

I will always remember that smell because I spent many a Saturday morning working at school with him. From counting textbooks to painting parking blocks...there was always something to do...and always ice cream in the cafeteria :)

I know the answer to the smell of the coffee today...it's windy and cold, so the smell traveled. But what I know for sure is that my Dad was with me today. He was with me, even if only for that moment to tell me he loved me.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. great restaurants
2. cool weather
3. a great night's sleep
4. a plan
5. work to be done

Musical Memories

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am playing Oboe and English Horn with the Mesilla Valley Concert Band. We rehearse on Sunday evenings and I have been unable to attend as much as I have wanted to this season due to my bout with pneumonia and "Christian" being in the hospital.
I went to rehearsal last night and a flood of memories come back to me. As I was turning the page on a new piece of music, it would not stay flat. I put my hand on the page and pressed it against the stand. The feel of the paper, brand new paper, with a flurry of notes yet to be played reminded me of my school days. In band with Mrs. Dempsey, Mr. Brinkley, Mr. Hess, private lessons with Mr. Villani and Mr. Weaver. I was always so excited when I had a new piece of music in my hand. There is something about the feel of that paper and knowing that the instruments I play bring it to life.

I am rekindling my passion for music. It has been such a joy in my life. I am not spending as much time playing as I would like, but it is a start. Any time I can put in to being passionate is time well spent.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Sunday naps
2. Fresh nail polish
3. Routine
4. Frasier
5. rain

My One Word for 2012 - Hope

2012-01-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

The word I have chosen as a focus for 2012 is:

At the forefront of my mind with this word is the health of my five year old, "Christian." He has dealt with so many complications with his hemophilia. In and out of the hospital, painful bleeds, and an ankle that has suffered joint damage.

My hope is that this is the year he has some relief.

My hope is that this year is the year I am able to take my health and well-being to a new level.

My hope is that this year, we begin to heal from the loss of my dear mother-in-law.

But most importantly, my hope is that everything I do is for the Glory of God.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Great Performances
2. Naps
3. A day off
4. An understanding boss
5. Tea lights

My "One Word" for 2011 - Intentional

2011-12-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

I heard the buzz in the blogosphere about focusing on one word for the new year. No resolutions, no lists or promises to make, just one word to focus on for the year.

I immediately chose the word "intention."

I wanted to focus on the moments in my life that I take for granted. And it turned out to be a great focus for the year.

I have caught those moments throughout the year sitting with my little one pushed right up against me on the sofa watching a movie, and then sitting with him in the hospital through his pain during his worst bleed ever. I most especially enjoyed the times I would drive back from Albuquerque with my oldest son and we were giggling and being silly as he kept me company, and watching him grow and tower over me. And being there for my dear husband as he struggled with issues in the church and most importantly, as he is grieving the loss of his mother.

I am continuing to learn to "stop and smell the roses." It is something that I have to work on daily. It's all too easy to speed through our lives. We have to remember to stop and savor the little things. Those are the gems in our lives that we often miss and take for granted.

Every moment we have is a gift from God...so let's make the most of our moments.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a clean bathroom
2. an impromptu soak at the hot springs
3. remote controls
4. three prong adapters
5. warm sweaters

Will Be Back Soon

2011-12-26T20:49:00.002-07:00

I'll be back soon…..just been enjoying my family:)

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and are looking forward to the many, wonderful possibilities that 2012 may bring.

Blessings to you all.

Lights

2011-12-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

I must admit, our living room looks just beautiful! We decorated in a flash this past weekend, had a fantastic time, and our efforts paid off. Our living room is absolutely warm and inviting. The most beautiful part of the whole room are the lights. White lights on the tree, colored lights on the garland hanging on the windows, and lights intertwined with the berries on the piano. I am not sure why lights are so warm and inviting during the holiday season, but they just complete everything.
The star the wise men followed must have been brighter than anything we could even imagine. They saw it and followed it without question. I wonder what kind of life the wise men each had. Did they leave their families to follow the star? Were they businessmen or teachers who left behind responsibilities?

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 (NIV)

Jesus did not ask us to follow Him in darkness, but in light. Christ lights the way so that we may see each of our steps...even when we turn in the wrong direction. He never leaves us.

Are you letting the light of Christ shine through you? Are you being kind, compassionate and forgiving?

When you see another set of Christmas lights, or a beautiful candle burning, remember that Christ loves you. He is with you in every thought and move you make. Imagine that light oozing out you. That through every breath you take and word you speak that you are truly being the hands and feet of Christ. Carry the beauty of this amazing season with you throughout the year.
Today I Am Thankful For:

1. rain
2. ornaments
3. old movies
4. an exceptional manicure
5. a sleeping dog

For the First Time in a Long Time

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

This was a wonderful weekend. Breakfast on Saturday morning at our favorite little restaurant, decorating the house for the Christmas season, cooking for my family, baking cookies, and going to church for the first time in a couple of weeks (my husband even consecrated the elements so that our family could celebrate Holy Communion together after church). The bottom line is, my family was together.

It was the first time we have had a couple of "normal" days. Nothing earth shattering happened, it was low key, and absolutely wonderful.

My "Christian" is healing well. He is still having trouble with his ankle and has not returned to school quite yet, but all is looking better than a week ago :)

Now that things have settled down, the enormity of the past two weeks has begun to settle in. I was an emotional mess in church this morning. Just being in the presence of my church family, who has loved us through this difficult time, was almost too much.

I am missing my mother-in-law terribly and seeing my husband hurt brings back the pain in losing my mother so many years ago. We change because of our loss. We are never the same, but we move on and try to live our lives as a testament to what our parents taught us and wanted for us.
I think my husband and I are going to have a bit of a hard time getting into the "holiday spirit," but we are going to try our best. We have to remember that life goes on and the way we handle the difficult times in our lives is seen by our children. I want them to know that we are surrounded by love and that through everything, love endures all.
Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Fresh baked cookies
2. Reading scripture
3. Kleeex with "lotion" (much softer)
4. Prescription refills
5. Snuggling with my little one

The Greatest of These

2011-12-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

There are several Greek words for love, as the Greek language distinguishes how the word is used. Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē. However, as with other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words. Nonetheless, the senses in which these words were generally used are given below.

• Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē[1]) means "love" (unconditional love)
• Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.
• Philia (φιλία philía[3]) means friendship or affectionate love in modern Greek
• Storge (στοργή storgē[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek

In my life, I have learned that the most important thing to grasp on to and offer is love. Agape love. The kind of love that has no boundary. The kind of love that has no fee or requirement. The love our Creator has for each and every one of us, regardless of our history.

My God has been busy at work in my life and the lives of each of the members of my family this week. Through the craziness/messiness of our lives, He has been present every moment. I want to share a couple of examples with you.

As "Christian" was at the end of a bad night in the hospital, he fell back to sleep early Tuesday morning. I started to hear him mumble then in a very clear voice said, "Granny, Granny!" I believe she was with him that morning, loving him as dearly in Heaven as she did here on Earth.

My mother-in-law worked at her church as a receptionist part-time. The pastor has been amazing to our family and invited my husband in to preside over the funeral without question. He gave my husband her personal belongings from her desk and one of the items was a compact Bible with a few of her favorite passages highlighted. 1 Corinthians 13 was one of them...it was the scripture my husband based his sermon for the funeral...he did not look in her Bible until after the funeral.

Throughout this week filled with crisis for our family I have experienced love in such a way that my heart has literally hurt because it was so full. Old friends coming to the visitation/funeral to support my family, friends coming to the hospital to visit me and "Christian" as we have been separated from our family, phone calls of encouragement from far away, Facebook words of encouragement and understanding, our church family filling in where needed and helping us in every way possible. And the unbelievable generosity and love shown to me through my "work" family. I have been humbled and so filled with gratitude for everything this week that I cannot find the appropriate words to express the magnitude of how I have been deeply touched.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

Love

It's Hard to Receive

2011-11-29T05:10:00.001-07:00

My "Christian" is having one of the worst bleeds of his five years (started Friday night) and we are in the hospital trying to manage his pain. In the midst of the bleed, we received the phone call you dread...in the wee hours of the morning...that my mother-in-law passed away.

I immediately put my husband on a plane with the thought we would follow (drive) the next afternoon.
I am still in the hospital with Christian. We had planned on driving yesterday to get there in time for the viewing and funeral. As long as the doctor had us set up with the appropriate meds, etc.

My colleagues at work know our situation and I received a call from one of them this morning that we were having flights to Houston donated to us so that we did not have to make the 14 hour journey in the car...stopping every 2-3 hours to administer meds, etc. They are worried about us and are trying to do what they can to help us.
I had my colleague/friend who called me repeat at least three times what she had said about the donated flights. I was shocked and overwhelmed. Completely and utterly humbled. I can't hardly put words to my feelings right now because my heart literally hurts because it is so full.

Sunday was another story. My husband had to preach, so he left me in charge to take over. That was, until Christian had to go to the hospital. He reached out to one of our lay speakers and she handled everything Sunday morning and had members of the congregation chip in to help the service along. Then, the members of the church stayed after and decorated the entire church for the season. They all banded together and forged ahead.

We have been taken care of. Ministered to.

It's hard to be ministered to when you are a "minister".

My heart is full, oozing with gratitude.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Kind hearts
2. Colleagues who are truly friends
3. A good shower
4. My job
5. The moments my son is sleeping through his pain

A Great Loss

2011-11-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

I have been very fortunate to have a mother-in-law who loved me as her own daughter. Not only did she take me in as her own, but so did all of her brothers and sisters. I have many aunts and uncles and cousins. They aren't "my husband's family," they are mine.

Heaven has another angel. Ruby Jane Jensen went home to the Lord on Saturday, November 26th. The mother of the love of my life and grandmother to my boys is no longer with us on this Earth. She was the last parent I had here to call my own.

I am going to miss her daily morning calls to check in and have her say she loved me.

I am going to miss seeing her hug my children and love them without abandon.

I am going to miss the shopping (she taught me that a woman needs more than one purse) :)

I will miss cooking for her when she comes to my house (especially making her favorite salsa).

I will miss the annual holiday decoration from Avon she would send me (you know, the obnoxious kind that talks and sings….).

And I will miss having that person to call to give the scoop on my children and/or our latest accomplishments, escapades and the like.

Early in our relationship, Ruby and I did not get along very well. My mother would fuss at me and tell me "She is going to be around longer than me and you better be nice and get along!"

I'm so glad I took my mother's words to heart and forged a great relationship with Ruby.

I already miss her. I'm so glad I had a chance to tell her that I loved her last week.

Her love truly changed my life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hope

2. Purple

3. Aunts

4. Road trips

Little Hearts Know

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday started out as a really nice day. We slept in late, went to our favorite little Mexican restaurant for breakfast, shopped for our Thanksgiving feast and walked through the local craft show at the fair barn. We were enjoying being home.

After we returned home, I felt that "dip" when my depression wants to begin. I made myself keep "doing" and not give in to lying down and sleeping. That is dangerous for me. Around 2 o'clock, I was headed back to my room, everyone was doing something, and I just wanted to sneak away. All of a sudden my little "Christian" tugs at my shirt and says "Mommy, let's make some cookies." So we put on
our aprons and made cookies. He was precious! We had a great time.

I hung on until around dinner time and finally gave in. I took a shower early and went back to my room. But who was right on my heels? Christian. He would not leave me alone. He stayed in my room with me all evening. He brought in his toys to play, we snuggled and watched a movie. He was exceptionally loving towards me. It was a huge comfort.

You don't have to tell your children everything about how you are feeling. If things are not right, they know, they feel it.

I am so blessed to have two, amazing sons. They are compassionate, caring boys. Their hearts are amazing. God has entrusted these two souls to me and my husband to raise and love with all of our hearts. How could I ask for anything more? How can I let my depression rob me of the moments I have with my family?

I just have to rejoice through my depression. Pray through my depression and in all circumstances give thanks to God so that His will is done in my life.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Band rehearsal
2. Quiet time
3. A long, awaited doctor's appointment
4. Fun jewelry
5. My mother-in-law's continued recovery from surgery

post signature

Nudges

2011-11-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been pretty difficult. My depression has been rearing its ugly head, and it tends to do that during the Thanksgiving season. It's one of my most favorite times of year, but also one of the hardest.

On a recent Friday evening, I was not doing very well. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. I told my husband how I was feeling and we piled into the car and went to Las Cruces (an hour away) to do a little shopping. I needed to get some makeup so we stopped by the day spa that carries the brand I use. Again, I was feeling beyond lousy and putting one foot in front of the other was a feat in itself. The young lady working the counter told me they were out of what I needed. She asked me to give her five minutes to try something new. I looked like a completely different person! Something as small and insignificant as the shade of my makeup changed me completely! Yes, she was doing her job, but she really did not have to go out of her way to try something new on me. She could have said they were out and to come back in a few days, but she didn't. I appreciated her going the extra mile.

I kept thinking about her act of kindness. She had no idea how deeply she touched me and that she helped me find my way out of a very, dark day.

I wrote a letter to the manager and simply told her that this lovely, young woman went out of her way to help me and it made me feel better. That young lady left me a message later in the week, filled with gratitude that I went out of my way to thank her, and she even got an early bonus :) She left me a beautiful message, wishing God's blessings on me and my family.

I was so excited that I felt God's nudge on my heart that day, even through a serious bout of depression, and responded. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear. It was huge. Yes, the Holy Spirit was made known to me through a simple change in makeup, but nonetheless was real and alive.

Have you felt that nudge on your heart? Has God been impressing on you to reach out to someone by speaking a word of kindness, send card, or simply be present?

Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when you may be on the other end of what He is planning.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Suitcase surprises
2. New jeans
3. Clean laundry
4. New, fuzzy socks
5. My mother-in-law coming through surgery

post signature

The Actor's Studio

2011-11-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

I love watching The Actor's Studio. The auditorium where the show is filmed in New York is filled with acting students. The host, James Lipton, interviews actors and gives the audience members the opportunity to ask questions of some of their idols. At the end of the interview, Lipton asks a series of questions of the actor that are the same for everyone. One of the most interesting questions is

"If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

Some answers are funny and others very poignant.

What would you hope the Creator of the Universe would say to you? When we think about what our lives would amount to at the end of our time here on Earth it may actually change how we are currently living our lives. For myself, I tend to think not only of how I treat others, but mostly, how I treat myself. The things I tell myself that are not true and the verbal "beating" I take on a daily basis is not very healthy. I treat others much better than I treat myself. It is time to put myself in the same category as the people I come in contact with every day.

I came across a quote which seems to sum up how we should live. .

"Give more than is expected, love more than seems wise, serve more than seems necessary, and help more than is asked." Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey

It sounds so simple, and I think to a point it is. We need to give of ourselves as much as we possibly can, love to the point of no return, serve our God and others with every part of our soul and go the extra mile for others, and ourselves.

“Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them." Matthew 22: 36-40 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The National Hemophilia Annual Meeting 2. rekindling old relationships
3. being in a new city with my family
4. having my boys meet other boys their age with hemophilia
5. factor to travel

A Clean Slate

2011-11-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

I have a Buddha Board on my desk.

It is a small, stone surface that you paint on with water and after a short time your artwork disappears. The Buddha Board is based on the Zen concept of living in the moment. I use it to write words that have a hold over me.

Doubt, fear, "fat talk," are just a few. When I write them they are real and bold, but after time, they are gone. That is what I want, for those strongholds to go away and not be as prevalent in my life. I want to let go.

So often we think that January 1st signifies a "new year," a "clean slate." But the reality is that each day God give us, each day we wake up breathing is a new day, a clean slate. What we make of it is up to us.

I am tired of letting certain things take away my happiness and joy.

I am committing to surrendering each day to Christ. I may not succeed everyday, but as long as I have breath, I will do my best to give everything I have to Him and not let the enemy steal my joy.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. band rehearsal on Sunday evening's
2. salami sandwiches
3. singing psalms
4. Command strips
5. Fall arriving

post signature

Is Blood Really Thicker than Water?

2011-11-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

My son asked me when I celebrated my favorite Thanksgiving. Without hesitation I told him that it was when we moved to New Mexico (almost six years ago). We had about 20 people over for dinner at our little rental house in the mountains and I had never felt such closeness and joy. I was trained to think that the only people you could really be close to you were your blood relatives. It has taken me years to let go of that perception. The fact is, I have a few friends who I am extremely close to. Friends who understand me for who I am and what I can offer (because I am definitely not the person I was 10 years ago….Thank You God!) And friends who accept my children for who they are with their bleeding disorder (and aren't afraid of them).

You always think that your family (blood relatives) are the people who are closest to you in your life. I grew up assuming that. You never miss a birthday or a holiday...they are the first ones you call when an important event in your life happened and when one was in need, you were there to help them out...no matter what. I used to have that. And I miss it.

Unfortunately that changed many years ago for me. It was a terrible time. Fights, arguments, misunderstandings, letters of apology sent, continued prayer….and no response. I will admit it is something I think of almost daily.

I've experienced love like I never dreamed from people who are not "blood." It can really happen. It keeps me going. From the friend encouraging me to get back to Zumba, the friends who sent me flowers when I was in the hospital, to the friend who named my children in her will. It's amazing how people love.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Toasted pumpkin seeds
2. Wounds healing
3. Spray adhesive
4. Pretty paper
5. Cold evenings

post signature

Spunky!

2011-10-22T19:35:00.002-06:00

I had the privilege of speaking at the Sangre de Oro Family Education Weekend this afternoon. I was able to share my story of living with hemophilia as well as sharing about doubt and joy in living with a chronic condition.

They were the spunkiest group of people I have ever presented to! They were just too funny when I had them participate in a group exercise where we learned about what is most important in our lives...people, things, roles we play and activities we enjoy...I'll share more about that activity another time.

I am so blessed that for the past two weekends I have been able to share this message of "From Doubt to Joy."

And I am preaching tomorrow on 1 Thessalonians :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Room service
2. Choir concerts
3. Naps
4. Realizations
5. New friends

post signature

Who Do You Talk To?

2011-10-21T07:25:00.003-06:00

Who do you talk to the most? Your spouse, best friend….what about yourself? I think we spend most of our best and worst conversations with ourselves. It has made me wonder, as I have been in a weekly Bible Study on prayer, what our attitude is like when we speak to ourselves? Don’t we realize who else is listening? Yes, God. He is with us always.

Of course, we are not going to always have “holy” thoughts and we will find plenty of times where we are beating ourselves up in our head, being negative, and judging like nobody’s business. We have to think about what kind of thoughts we have and the attitude which we think them.

Are those thoughts pleasing to God?

I want to make it a goal to put a better attitude on what is going on in my head. Instead of judging the person I am walking past, I need to pray for them, because I have no idea what they may be dealing with. When I start to beat myself up because of my weight, I start to pray and thank God for my body, because it is a gift from Him and no one else is made exactly like me. I am unique and special in the eyes of God. When I get upset or angry at a person/situation, I need to turn those feelings into prayer for the person/situation at hand.

It’s not easy being a Christian. We need to work at being an example to those who do not know Christ. We want them to “want what we have” and their search may start with our example. Let Christ’s light shine through you in all circumstances.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. hotel coffee
2. waterfalls
3. report cards
4. a new truck
5. flip flops

post signature

A Speaking Gig!

2011-10-14T06:00:00.003-06:00

I am really excited about this weekend! I'll be speaking at an event in Fargo, North Dakota on Saturday. I'll be at the "Dakotas Retreat" for famiies with bleeding disorders presenting "From Doubt to Joy - Making the Most of Every Day."

I would appreciate any good thoughts and prayers as I deliver this message to a community of people I am so passionate about.

This is the kind of opportunity I dream of and am so grateful that I am able to share my experiences with others in the bleeding disorder community.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. new opportunities
2. being pneumonia free!
3. being busy and excited again
4. new magazines in the mailbox
5. a new prayer journal

post signature

Praying in the Messiness of Life - week 1

2011-10-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

Last night was our first Ladies Bible Study for the Fall at First United Methodist in Truth or Consequences. Our study for this session is "Praying in the Messiness of Life," by Linda Douty. I have really enjoyed the book as I read through it on my own and am looking forward to sharing it with this wonderful group of women.

In the introduction, Linda quotes Steve Garnaas-Holmes, and if this is the only thing the women of our group take away from this study, then their time will have been well spent. I just have to share it with you.

"As you sit in prayer
and try to remain mindful of God,
failing because your thoughts wander,
remember this:
that God is perfectly mindful of you always,
attentive to your being and your doing,
never straying from your heart
not missing s single breath,
or forgetting a single heartbeat.
God is never distracted, never forgets.
Without neglecting anything else in Creation,
for all of Creation is present in God,
God is fully present to you,
seeing not from afar but from within
your journeys, thoughts and feelings,
holding tenderly your sins and wounds,
delighting in your gifts and beauties,
fully aware of what you yourself
only dimly suspect deep within you.
God is in all that you see, and in your seeing,
in what you hear, and in your hearing,
in your wondering, in your sorrow, in your awe.
God is grateful for you, and delights in you.
God longs in you, grieves in you, exults in you.
God gives full peaceful, loving attention to you
all your day and all through the night,
not controlling or manipulating,
just beholding, blessing, loving
and breathing life into you,
powerful, joyful, beautiful, infinite life,
granting you mindfulness
and mindful always of you."

Steve Garnaas-Holmes, "God is Mindful," Unfolding Light, 9/21/2010

post signature

No Control

2011-10-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

I have been sick for over two weeks, been to the doctor three times and the emergency room twice…. I officially had pneumonia and landed in the hospital for four days. I am finally home where I belong :)

Sometimes it takes extreme circumstances to make you slow down and think. What is important? My email at work or my health? Getting a mail-out completed or my health? Running off to band rehearsal an hour away or my health?

This pneumonia has scared me. People die from pneumonia. I have a replacement for my upcoming speaking engagement if I need to cancel in North Dakota on the 15th and the English Horn part will just not get played in the concert on the 16th. I've decided to not play the concert next week.

I just need to take it one day at a time and the next right thing will happen, not in my time, but His.

I've taken a few things off of my plate for the next couple of weeks and feel a huge sense of relief. I have to get well.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. IV antibiotics
2. Rain
3. My church family
4. The clicking of my nails on the keyboard
5. A home-cooked dinner delivered by a good, Christian woman

post signature

The School Yard

2011-10-07T03:47:00.004-06:00

I spent a lot of time at school. Not just as a student and band director, but as the child of a reacher's aide and an elementary school principal. Many days after school were spent in the workroom where my mom worked (the same elementary which I attended) and more than a few Saturday's were at the school where my Dad served as an elementary principal.

My Dad was not an "ordinary" principal. You would never see him in khakis, it was always a nice suit with a freshly startched shirt and very nice shoes. I can still smell his closet. Hanging bags from the cleaners with the smell of fresh starch. His shoes needed to be resoled constantly because he walked so much that he made holes in his shoes. He wasn't a "sit behind your desk" kind of principal. You rarely caught him there. You never saw the flowerbeds on his campus looking shabby and there was never dirt on the walkways. As for litter, you just did not see any. Inside or out, he would reach down without missing a step to pick it up. It's not that he had a huge janitorial staff (just his right hand man Walter). He just took enormous pride in his school and the people in it everyday.

His faculty and staff were some with great longevity and finding an open position to work at Burnet Elementary was close to impossible. No one would leave because he was wonderful to work for. Don't get me wrong, he was tough, but fair and very smart. He was passionate about children and education and not many men in my life can compare to him.

Now that my "Christian" is in kindergarten and I am at the school everyday, my mind often goes back to those Saturday mornings. I feel the dirt on the sidewalk and think "that should have been swept.". I see the flowerbeds needing attention and thinking "someone needs to clean those up.". And I recently saw a piece of litter dancing in the breeze on the playground and felt my Dad whispering "I love you, Sandy."

Gonzalo Campos
January 10, 1928 - October 7, 2007

post signature

Slowing Down

2011-09-29T18:26:00.001-06:00

So. Incredibly. Sick.

I've been in bed for four days. Four days of daytime television. Four days of keeping my distance from my family. I did work a good part of the day today, from bed, and I am exhausted. The only cure for my illness, other than some great medication, has been rest. Slowing down and resting.

The only thing about slowing down and taking yourself out of commission is that other things suffer. The kitchen is crazy, the laundry piles up, and schedules get changed at the last minute.

Yes, the world will continue to turn as I am laid up in bed, and many things will just wait for me. I have a feeling Monday will be a little crazy :)

I am preparing to teach a Bible Study beginning next Tuesday evening and have tons going on at work, including a couple of speaking engagements in October. It's a very exciting time, I am just wanting to feel 100%. I think the Lord is having me slow down so that I can "speed up" these next few weeks.

Blessings to you all.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hamburger patties
2. Showers
3. Antibiotics
4. A husband who takes care of everything when I am sick
5. Brazil trip ????

post signature

So much….

2011-09-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

I have so much going on in my head and heart right now that I can't even put things into words. I'll be back soon…

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Delayed flights
2. A great business meeting
3. A good steak
4. Smell good lotion
5. Polka dots

post signature

What is Holding You Back?

2011-09-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

Do you find yourself assuming you have another day? What is keeping you from living today to its fullest? I have several projects waiting to be started and I keep assuming I am going to have plenty of time to complete them. I have come to realize that I need to live my life with more intention...as if I was going to meet my Creator tomorrow. Recently, a couisin of mine, in his thirties, went out with his wife to a party, came home went to sleep and never woke up. He left behind a wife and two small children. It is still hard to grasp that he is gone.

I want to leave a mark on the lives of my children. I want them to remember the craziness in our house...the giggling, the singing and the laughing. I want to write letters to them to let them know how much they mean to me, so that when I am gone, a small piece of me is left behind.

What is holding me back? Maybe it's fear. Fear of what is to come after I die. I know that I will see God one day and that He has already forgiven me of my sins, and He loves me more than I can imagine...I just want Him to see me arrive at those "pearly gates" and have Him embrace me. I want to feel the embrace with every part of my being. I can't wait for the aroma of Christ to envelop me.

I don't know what plan Christ has for me, but I do know it's a big one (Jeremiah 29).

What I do know is that I need to live a life pleasing to Christ. Accepting others despite their past and living in a state of forgiveness. It's a tall order, but I am striving to surrender myself every single day to Him.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. gas station coffee
2. hearty laughs
3. basic black
4. pipe cleaner bracelets
5. cardstock

post signature

The Tooth

2011-09-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

As the mother of a child with hemophilia, you always dread the call from the nurse at school. What in the world happened today?! Friday afternoon, with an hour of school left, I received that call. Actually, it was the school secretary (she steps in when the nurse is away from the clinic). My "Christian" was enjoying his afternoon snack and when he bit into his orange, his tooth fell out! There was not any blood and all seemed well, but I told the secretary to let the teacher know I was on my way to make sure everything was okay (mainly to ease their minds….they are still getting familiar with hemophilia). I walk in and here comes the teacher at the end of the hallway with Christian and his buddy "Jason". They were coming from outside. They were looking for his tooth that he dropped on the playground! Like a needle in a haystack :)

That sweet teacher went out of her way, and into the afternoon heat, to try and help my boy find his little tooth (so completely not in her job description). My heart was overwhelmed with that act of kindness. I reassured Christian that we would leave a note for the tooth fairy and all would be well (the tooth fairy did stop by the next evening).

I give thanks to the teachers who teach my children. From learning to sit and focus on an activity for a few minutes to conjugating the newest Spanish verb, I don't know what I would do without these men and women.

Teachers are not paid enough and not respected enough. We are surrounded by people who are giving information and pushing us to believe a certain way. But some of our biggest heroes are the men and women in classrooms day in and day out. Working after the last bell rings for the day and even on the weekends. Paying for supplies out of their own pockets and making sure every child understands a new concept. Going the extra mile to make sure each child feels special.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Playing music
2. Incense
3. Lunch with friends
4. A new playlist on my iPod
5. Plastic hangers

post signature

A Surprising Package

2011-09-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

A package came in the mail this week. It was addressed to my fifteen year old and it was from Disney. What in the world would he be getting from Disney? We did just come back from a fantastic vacation at Disneyworld, but what could this be? It was his wallet!

The wallet he lost that he never thought he would see again. It even had the $42 dollars he left in it! We were so surprised. When he lost the wallet and we retraced our steps in Disney, I kept trying to reassure him that it just might show up. Being the teenager he is, he wrote it off and was pretty upset that he lost his last bit of “mad money.” I tried to be positive and encouraging telling him that there are still good people in the world. “Someone just may turn in your wallet” I told him. “Why would anyone turn in a wallet with money?” he asked. I answered, “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Yes, there are still good people in the world who have high morals and great work ethics. There are individuals who open the doors for each other, put the shopping cart in the “corral” in the store parking lot, and let the person behind them with one item go in front of them at the grocery store.

Many of us believe that the world is filled with more evil than good. Is that true? What happens when a friend is not who they seem to be and reveal an ugly side to their being? What happens when a family member disowns you and you lose contact for years on end? That’s when you have to stop and really look at what you have learned.

Perhaps new friends come into your life who truly need you and your friendship. And that family member you haven’t talked to in years may have been holding you back from your best. Despite a bad situation, good can arise if you are willing to keep an open mind.

There is good in the world. Keep your eyes open. Be part of it.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. watermelon
2. packages
3. people taking a chance
4. the small glimpses of the changing season
5. being positive

post signature

Women's Bible Study

2011-09-05T15:05:00.001-06:00

I have been looking for a Bible Study for our women's group and I finally found the one.

Praying in the Messiness of Life, by Linda Douty

The book focuses on praying, but not in the traditional sense. Linda tells us that "traditional" devotional time is not always the best way, or the only way to commune with Christ. We have to find ways to pray and be in devotion throughout the craziness of our busy lives. And when she presents the different types of prayer, it's amazing to see how we can truly "pray without ceasing" throughout our days.

I am loving this book. It is exactly what I was looking for.

I know I am not the only one who wants to have a special devotional time, and is not able to make it work the way I want to. I am tired of feeling guilty about not have a perfect schedule each day by waking up, sitting with my coffee and spending quality time with Christ. Don't get me wrong, if you do this and it works for you, FANTASTIC! It used to work for me, but I am needing something different and am looking forward to studying this book with other women.

What works best for you in the way of daily devotions?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. 65 degrees in the mountains

2. A spotless house

3. Scented candles

4. Digital cameras

5. Unopened boxes

So Many Things

2011-08-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

After a vacation, reality hits in a huge way. Getting back into the swing of life takes some time. Our vacation to Florida was truly one of the first times in a very long time that we were truly away from everything. No work email, no conference calls, nobody pulling my husband from one end to the other.

Now we face the many things in our lives that need attention.

The kids school
The work emails and tasks to complete
The hubs and "Lance" going to Albuquerque once a week for Boy Choir rehearsals
Writing for the newspaper (my little freelance gig)
Finding a Bible Study for the fall
Getting ready to start my Seminary classes again
Upcoming business trips
A speaking gig in October
Finding that quality time with God everyday

Why has that been so hard for me? To find my quality time with Christ? To stop and devote part of my day to the One who has blessed me beyond measure?

It's almost as if I am afraid.

Sometimes I think that I am not worthy of Christ giving me time. That I am not important enough. Sound familiar? The "unworthy" feeling?

I know Christ loves me more than I can begin to imagine. It's a love that is deep, real and passionate.

When we are blessed beyond measure and things are going well, it's easy to feel as if we don't need that time in devotion to Christ. That's when we need to be in full connection with the Creator of the Universe.

We tend to forget that at the snap of our fingers, our lives can change.

The next time my fingers snap, I want to know that my relationship with Him is in place. A relationship filled with friendship and an undying love for each other.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Frozen hamburgers to throw on the grill
2. My new Blackberry (for work)
3. Patient colleagues
4. A little less humidity
5. An early shower

post signature

When You Wish...part 2

2011-08-23T19:33:00.002-06:00

We are some tired puppies! Day two of theme parks completed! I was worried about "Christian" keeping up with his ankle problems, but so far so good. Roller coasters, simulated rides, Hogwarts...we are having a great time:) We sat down to dinner tonight (at the Give the Kids the World Village) and a huge revelation came over me. My family's biggest worry is how to get in all of the rides and attractions we want to see in the next few days (while avoiding the possible hurricane) and sitting next to us at dinner is a family with a child who is a parapalegic. Another child in the dining room is wearing a leg brace with a strap around her waist for someone to assist her as she walks and other children are wearing caps over their hairless little heads. They have and are continuing to struggle.

Yes, my Christian and Lance have their struggles too, but I will take our struggles any day and make the best of what each day brings.

Each member of my family can walk, sweat and keep up with each other while enjoying ourselves. And when we need to slow down, we do. We love each other like no one else possibly could. This "wish" trip has given me the opportunity to see true, pure joy on the faces of my children. That is a huge gift. It is something I haven't slowed down enough to see lately...and I am grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Rain
2. Soft, chocolate chip cookies
3. A racing heart (after a thrill ride)
4. Bright colors
5. Swimming pools

post signature

When You Wish....part 1

2011-08-21T21:45:00.001-06:00

Did you ever wish upon a star? Maybe you looked up in the night sky, saw that special twinkle in the night, and wished for something...to be famous, for a new television, to have a talent like none other.

Sometimes our wishes are big (maybe they even qualify for big dreams) and other times they are simple and unassuming.

Children with chronic illnesses struggle in so many ways and there is an organization called "Make a Wish" that helps to grant these children's wishes.

My "Christian" was referred by a member of our hemophilia treatment center and we are now in our "villa" at the "Give Kids the World" resort in Kissimmee, Florida. It is absolutely unbelievable. Not just the fact that our family is here, but the love that has been shown to us by complete strangers. At this resort, you are treated like kings and queens and for a moment in time, your child is "given the world" and in this case, "the world of Disney."

Some of these families have never been on this kind of trip and would possibly never have the opportunity to take this kind of trip. You have absolutely no worries about getting from one place to the other, food, entertainment, the whole bit.

Another amazing thing is that is takes over 1,500 volunteer time slots for one week to make the "GKTW" Village run. These people are giving their time to make our family have an experience we will never forget.

Sometimes it's just too much to accept and let sink in.

post signature

Hope

2011-08-16T19:48:00.001-06:00

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Lately I've felt a little "hope" less. Not exactly sure why, because so many things are going well, but for the first time in a long time I am seeing glimmers of hope.

The funny thing is, is that it's not even been my depression that has sucked the hope out of me, I think it's just been complacency. Day in, day out. Off to work, back home to cook dinner, clean the kitchen, kids in the bath, etc. Sometimes I forget to see the beauty in each day.

It's that same complacency that has taken me away from my daily time with God. My life was always better when my daily quiet time was a priority. It's something I am trying to find my way back to.

I am looking forward to some time off with my family. We are getting ready to leave town to work a charity golf tournament and then off to Disneyworld! I am expecting to have some well needed, quality time with my family.

Blessings to you all. I'll be back soon.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Short, short hair!
2. Pencil lead
3. Baskets of laundry
4. Expectations
5. surrender

post signature

Feeling Cold

2011-08-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

No, it's not cool where I live, quite the opposite. Living in the desert with a swamp cooler during monsoon season is not enjoyable. I am pretty tired of the heat and our family is going to Florida on vacation in 12 days! I am ready for winter. I want to wear fleece and sweatpants and my fuzzy boots. It's a nice thought, but quite a ways off.

My spiritual life is what I call "cold" right now. It's kinda freakin' me out. My "Christian" has been in the hospital and I did not spend time in prayer throughout even as difficult a time as it was. Work is going very well, I am writing a monthly column for the local paper and writing some freelance pieces (and getting paid for them), we are going on a trip to Disneyworld in 12 days as part of the Make-a-Wish program….I have a lot going for me and my family, yet I have a coldness where my faith and spiritual life is concerned.

Usually someone will go about their life, all is well, and they forget to give thanks to the Creator...until something bad happens. Then all of a sudden they are on their knees pleading with the Creator to help them. I don't know why I am in this place. I know one thing for sure is that I don't like it. I know that I am in a place that can become dark and lonely.

I need to find my way back to the presence of God.

On Facebook this evening, one of my friends wrote, "I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for."

Jesus revels in our presence as much as we do His. Each and every one of us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. finished projects
2. our new dog, Betty
3. fans
4. cold showers
5. padded envelopes

post signature

Not the Best Idea

2011-08-04T19:41:00.001-06:00

I am no good without my family together.

The hubs and "Christian" are still in the hospital (he took over on Tuesday evening) and me and "Lance" are here at home. Lance is finishing up his 9th grade year online and I am trying desperately to catch up with work. I spent 6 days at the hospital and welcomed the break, but my heart is with him, two hours away.

I can't stand being without my guys all together.

What seemed to be the practical, sensible choice, has turned into sadness for me. I know there is nothing I can do sitting in the hospital, but I can be there to comfort my son when he is being poked while searching for an IV. I can go with him to the playroom and take him for walks to keep him occupied. I know my husband is doing all of those things, but I miss them terribly.

Our mojo is completely thrown off.

Christian is supposed to come home tomorrow.

I can't wait to hug their guts :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Skype
2. New cabinet doors
3. Old movies
4. Postage meters
5. Rearranging furniture

post signature

The Mind Is a Terrible Thing.....

2011-08-01T19:34:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here in the hopsital, day number 4, and we are not leaving until Friday. I am feeling sorry for myself. Guilty for missing so much work this year (I used quite a bit of sick time for myself and my "Christian") and worried about perceptions at my work. My husband and "Lance" are teaching a camp and have no replacements, so I have to be the one at the hospital with Christian.

I just went to get ice for my drink down the hall and in the nourishment room was another mom. She was very friendly, said hello, asked how my day was and I mentioned that all was well and we were staying longer than imagined. She said, "Yes, I understand. We have been here 3 1/2 weeks……."

That's when I wanted to slap myself.

I am on a floor with very, sick children. A 6 month old passed away over the weekend. I thank God for my Christian and that he is doing well. We are here mainly for precautions, not severe complications from his surgery. I think I needed some perspective and God delivered it through that mom.

When you are alone in a hospital room with a five year old, your mind can wander and make more of situations than they actually are. You can destroy relationships and imagine the worst in a matter of minutes.

All I can say, is that I have to do the next right thing.

I have to remember that the God of the Universe loves me just the way I am.

I have to remember that there will always be work to do, but the moments we have caring for our children will slip away in an instant.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. warm socks
2. playrooms
3. styrofoam cups
4. trays
5. ice machines

post signature

Why?

2011-07-29T00:40:00.004-06:00

The eternal question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is a hard one to answer.

There is one situation that comes to mind when I hear this question. It involves my best friend from school and the car accident that completely changed her life. Why did she go through that trauma? Why is her life so markedly different that what she expected? Why did this happen to her?

We lost a cousin this week. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and two young children. Why did this happen? Why are these children not going to grow up with their Daddy?

And the most significant question I have is "Why does my five year old have to suffer with his hemophilia?" Yesterday was absolutely the worst day ever with his hemophilia (you can read about it here). "Why does my precious son have to endure constant infusions, hospitalizations, and pain? What did he do for this to be his reality"?

I don't think God "designates" a person to have a medical condition or "lot" in life. It's not something we can ever understand (this is a complete other blog posting….).

What I do know is that God was present in our terrible day today. He was there when Christian came back from his x-rays to a new, red fire truck. God was there when the Child Life worker came in to calm him down while playing with an iPad. And God was with us when the hematologist looked at me and simply said "he needs a new port."

Everything happens for a particular reason and I am glad the events of the day unfolded the way they did. Even though we are in the hospital for several days, we are definitely where we need to be.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Good IV's
2. Cookies and milk
3. A shower after a day of running around
4. Darkness
5. Suitcase surprises

post signature

Being Treated Badly

2011-07-20T17:15:00.000-06:00

I am trying to deal with being treated badly.

The short story is that a doctor from our Hemophilia Treatment Center was beyond rude to our family, during a bleed with our five year old, while out of town. He judged us and reprimanded us without knowing our situation.

We are writing a grievance to the hospital against this doctor, who we found out is the main oncologist. The head of the department. He just "helps" out with hemophilia because he has to.

He's not heard the last from us.

One of his colleagues called us to schedule a meeting (I think more damage control than anything) next Tuesday.

I refuse to let these doctors instill doubt in me where the care of my son is concerned. Friday night I was a complete mess while at the emergency room in San Francisco because of what this unprofessional doctor had said to our family. I left the ER with a passionate doctor telling me we were doing everything right.

You never know what a person is dealing with. The kind of day they had, maybe a family pet recently died, they are having a bad time at work, they are in fear of losing their job or maybe they have been out of work for months.

You can't always judge by what things look like on the outside.

Be aware of what you say and how you treat others.

You could just make their day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. My portable swamp cooler2. Preparing for a business trip
3. The breeze on the bay in San Francisco
4. Clean tables
5. The companionship my sweet, Sheltie, Rosie gave our family for the past 10 years.

post signature

The Journey

2011-07-11T06:00:00.000-06:00

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

post signature

My First Passion

2011-07-04T06:00:00.000-06:00

I remember the day my sister brought my instrument home for me. Her band director wanted me to play the oboe, so I did. I was in 5th grade and haven't stopped playing since.

I taught band for 13 years and free lanced in the Greater Houston area from the age of 18 to up to 5 years ago. When we moved to New Mexico, the opportunities dried up. I only played occasionally at church.

Music was (is) my first passion. I was a "band kid" all throughout school. I went to all the auditions, the extra contests and took private lessons from a man in the Houston Symphony. Music defined a big part of who I was becoming.

I found a local group (an hour away) and auditioned for the director. The Mesilla Valley Concert Band. I have rehearsed the past three nights and will perform in a concert this morning. I've been in heaven! I've even been playing the English Horn parts which I absolutely love to play.

Sometimes you have to reconnect with a long, lost passion. Honestly, I was a little scared, but I am sure glad I walked through it and went after it. Time moves fast. We can think and dream about things that made us happy, so why not move on it and reconnect?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The repair man in Las Cruces who got my instruments in shape
2. Good reeds
3. My double instrument stand
4. 10 minute breaks
5. Stars and Stripes

post signature

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

2011-06-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Source: Teaching With Fire

post signature

Let Go (part 4 of 4)

2011-06-24T16:46:00.002-06:00

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the plans I have made.

Christian has an appointment on Monday.
I've made travel arrangements to San Francisco and Chicago in July.
I am assisting at a memorial service tomorrow.
My husband and I are planning a vacation next year.

Those things may or may not come to happen. Regardless, I need to live in the moment and not tie myself up completely in what is to come.

What about the things that are happening right now?

I want to truly "cherish" myself. I want to love myself unconditionally and accept who I am right now, at this moment. When I think about past mistakes and broken relationships, it is very easy to doubt my decisions and my whole being.

I want to fear less and love more. Especially to love myself.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. holding babies
2. potato salad
3. Scotch tape
4. air conditioners
5. pizza night

post signature

Nothing in this World

2011-06-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

When you look at your children everything else you have done in your life pales in comparison.

The craziness of a project at work

Misunderstandings

Getting the house painted

Continually picking up after your family

Arguments

Relationships

Love

We can make lists for days about the things that bother us, the things we want to change, the good and the bad. But if you are a parent, the bottom line is that nothing in this world compares to being part of a child's life.

Today, my family celebrates my 15 year old son, "Lance". He came into this world at 9:56 pm on June 23, 1996 and my world has never been the same.

He has taught me about choo-choo trains, bugs, coloring inside the lines, how to eat a juicy grape, watching Disney movies, art, music, bullies, hemophilia, and finding an inner strength I never knew I had.

My life truly began when he was born. I have done and felt things I never dreamed possible. The most amazing thing I've learned how to do is love.

When the doctor placed him on my chest after he was just born, I felt as if I was about to suffocate. I didn't understand at that moment, but came to realize that feeling was love in a way I had never experienced. A full, smothering, all encompassing love.

How do you love someone you just barely met?

God makes that happen.

He brings these little creatures into our lives to change us. To make us more human. To show us how He loves us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. marble cake
3. curly bows
4. surprises
5. love

post signature

Things

2011-06-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

There was a huge estate auction in our little town this past weekend. The hubs and I decided to go check it out. You just never know what you will find.

I was a little disappointed because I just didn't see anything that spoke to me. Not that I was looking for anything in particular, but just looking. I was standing in the middle of the warehouse filled wall to wall with "stuff" and I got a little sad. I wondered who cherished these belongings at one time. Why did they come to auction? Did the owner get sick, pass away, have a difficult ending to their life?

Then I started to think about the legacy they left. Was it all of their "stuff" that was being picked over by strangers, or did they leave a legacy of love and faith to the ones they loved?

I remember going to pick up items from my Dad's house when he passed away a few years ago and when I was leaving the house had about six boxes of "stuff" left. Mainly things my mom had held on to for one reason or another. You wonder why people hang on to certain things. Of course we hold on to things that are useful and necessary, but what about the sentimental things, or the things that were given to us by someone and we only hold on to it because they were a gift?

I am in a season of "throwing" things out. Donating what I can and cleaning house. I don't want to have "stuff" in every corner of my home that is not used.

Most importantly, I want to fill my life with love. I want it to be measured through the way I speak to my family, how I carry out my faith, and how I love others.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. single serve coffee
2. reusable water bottles
3. celebrating my husband
4. droopy plants
5. bows

post signature

Let Go (part 3 of 4)

2011-06-17T05:48:00.001-06:00

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

Being "in the middle" in not a comfortable place. I have a situation at work where I am in the middle and one person on the other side is not happy. When your gut instinct tells you to do or say something, you need to follow it! Sometimes it will help to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A good night's sleep
2. Excitement
3. Unopened boxes
4. Plants
5. Surprises

post signature

Being in love...with yourself!

2011-06-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

A new show on the OWN network started and I recorded it. Not sure what to expect, I watched it during lunch yesterday and was really taken back. It's a documentary/reality show following Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York.

It was very interesting, and a little hard to watch. The show chronicles the ups and downs she has been through, most recently her accepting money to give info on her ex-husband, and Dr. Phil and Suze Orman are working with her.

This woman, who was the focus of a royal wedding, in the public eye, two beautiful daughters, Lady Diana's best friend, can't even look in the mirror at herself because she has no sense of self worth. I can identify all too well with the way she feels.

I know within my heart that God loves me exactly as I am and that I should do the same. But so often, that inner, ugly self talk will get you into trouble.

When she was meeting with Suze Orman, Suze said "I am in love with myself!" Now that is amazing. It is a lesson we should all take to heart. We need to be "in love with ourselves." God intended for us to be as we are. I'm not saying we should give up in our quest to be healthy and take care of ourselves, but despite where we are in our journey, we need to give ourselves a little grace, look in the mirror and say "Ta-Da"!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pudding
2. A loud television
3. Crooked pictures
4. Tee ball
5. Running water

post signature

When I Grow Up

2011-06-13T06:00:00.000-06:00

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

The person who makes the first phone call to let a family that a wish (Make-a-Wish Foundation) will be granted for their child.

I received that call on Friday morning. It was a moment I can hardly put into words.

It started a couple of months ago when the social worker at our Hemophilia Treatment Center had given me a call and asked if I had her permission to refer my little "Christian" to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I was a little stunned because I had always thought of the Make-a-Wish as a foundation that gave wishes to children who were dying and extremely sick. I never think of hemophilia as "life threatening" but in actuality, it is. You just make it part of your life.

When the social worker started talking about why she immediately thought of Christian I started to think about everything he has gone through with his medical condition over the past four years. It's been very hard. My older son never had to deal with hemophilia the same way as his little brother. It's been a rough few years, and thankfully he is doing well.

I agreed to let her refer him, never thinking a wish would be granted, so when I received the call on Friday, I heard this sweet, young woman telling me who she was, why she was calling and that Christian will be receiving a wish. My mouth fell open, and tears were rolling down my face. I couldn't even breathe. The fact that someone, several people, thought of my Christian and our entire family, and "authenticated" our struggle was completely overwhelming.

I could hardly speak to her through my tears.

The next step is for a Make-a-Wish team to come and visit us and get to know Christian to determine the type of wish he wants. (I can guarantee it will have something to do with trains!)

More to come on this amazing blessing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. 800#'s
2. Unexpected, ugly tears
3. Compassion
4. Gluten free pizza (it was really good)!
5. dreams

post signature

Let Go (part 2 of 4)

2011-06-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Making the most of myself.

Talk about hard to do!

Does making the most of myself mean being "supermom" and wife? Taking fantastic care of myself all the time? Spending time in devotion everyday and volunteering at church every spare minute? Not to forget becoming the most I can be in my 9 - 5 job?

That's where I mess up. I feel like I have to do everything well at the same time. Sometimes I just have to do the best I can and know that my heart is in the right place. That my efforts are well intentioned. It goes back to surrendering each day. Every day we get is a day we don’t' deserve. How do we spend it? We never know when our last day will be. When we will go on to meet the Father.

I plan on spending each day I get "making the most" of who I can be. It's not based off how much I do, but the spirit in which I do life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Decluttering
2. My son coming home tomorrow from choir tour!
3. Bottled water
4. Stacks of board games
5. Hard wood floors

post signature

Beloved

2011-06-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

Honey, Sweetheart, Baby, Sugar...do you have a pet name for your spouse/partner/loved one?

I tend to call my sons "Chicky" and my husband too. It's just a little pet name showing them I love them. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be, it just did.

When I read Francine River's book, Redeeming Love (a must read), I was struck by how she set off the words God spoke to the characters. The Father would call them "Beloved."

Beloved.

A person who is dearly loved. This is a term of affection that was used in both the Old and New Testaments. It has a depth that seems to be absent in our society. I just love this word.

My husband is my "Beloved". I love him with every ounce of my being. He is beyond what a best friend could ever be to me (I jokingly call him my "Bestie") :)

I don't know if he knows how deeply I love him.

The amazing thing is, that despite how much we love our spouse/partner/loved ones, and how much they love us in return, God loves us more.

He loves us despite our flaws. I don't think we can even image the depth of His love for us. I think when we meet the Father face to face we will actually understand the amazing love that has been given to us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Phone calls from my son (while on choir tour)
2. Ministry in action
3. My Sheltie sleeping where the air vent hits her
4. Netflix
5. Cucumber scented candles

post signature

Blessings

2011-06-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

What is a blessing?

The words of faith and hope a pastor speaks over a person?

A prayer?

A wonderful happening in your life?

Family and friends?

Something beautiful and more than words can describe?

Sometimes blessings are not wrapped up with a pretty bow. The biggest "blessing" in my life is actually wrapped in plain paper with a worn bow.

It's actually pretty ugly when you get down to it.

Hemophilia.

I believe that people afflicted with a bleeding disorder, or any chronic condition are pretty amazing. They are resilient and stronger than many.

The beauty of the blessing of hemophilia is in the actual "unwrapping" of the present. It's about the journey. The people whose paths you would have never crossed. The places to travel to learn. The confidence in sharing with another mom. And the strength it has brought to my marriage.

I am making the most I can of this blessing everyday with every breath I take. I thank God for blessing me with my boys and their condition. It has made me stronger than I ever dreamed I could be.

What's your biggest blessing?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of rain
2. Impromptu menu changes
3. Family decisions
4. Extension cords
5. New tablecloths

post signature

It's Cool When You Step Out in Faith

2011-06-03T09:25:00.004-06:00

I've talked often about stepping out in faith. Meaning, following God's tug on your heart. Going where He is leading you and taking a chance when it logistically makes no sense.

I started writing a few years ago after we moved to New Mexico because, honestly, I was a little lonely and I had a lot to get out of my head. Blogging has turned out to be very cathartic for me in a way I never dreamed.

God put another idea in my head. He encouraged me to seek out a different avenue for my writing, so I wrote a proposal to our two local papers and one called me back! They are going to publish my writing once a month! Today was my first article.

When I considered doing this I figured the worst that would happen would be that no one would call. What harm is there in that? After I submitted my proposals, I wondered why I did that. What are they going to think of my writing? I don't have a background in literature or writing, I have a Music Education Degree! There are way more qualified people out there!

But I listened and am amazed.

Have you listened to the still, quiet nudge on your heart? Don’t ignore it.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of newspaper
2. Projects going well
3. Empty boxes
4. The whir of the swamp cooler
5. Joe coming home tomorrow!

post signature

Moving

2011-06-01T12:55:00.008-06:00

I was up pretty early today for work, finished what I needed to do, and considered lying back down. But I decided to go to yoga class instead.

It was one of the best decisions I've made in quite a while.

I have to get moving. I'm tired of feeling tired and having my back tight. I also need to be a better example to my children. Already I am "feeling" my muscles from my movement this morning.

I like yoga because not only are you focusing on your body, but you work to quiet your mind as well. I find myself trying to tune out the world and when I am successful that little voice comes back in trying to make me feel guilty for taking an hour of time for myself.

Why do we do that to ourselves? If we do not take time to care for ourselves we are not good to the ones who need us. I've mentioned this scripture before and in Psalm 46:10 it reads "Be still and know that I am God." I believe that I know who God is, but it's the "being still" part that gets me every time. When I do slow down enough to veg on the sofa, I start to think about other things that need to be done and get up and start doing.

I remember hearing Maria Shiver talk about her family and how when she was a kid nobody "sat around." Everyone was outside playing games, and busy all of the time. Expectations were very high in the Kennedy home and inactivity was not accepted.

I think activity is great. It helps you find purpose, but constantly running around and not resting is not a good thing.

Sometimes we rest quite a bit, maybe even become a bit lazy, but do we rest in the stillness of God? That is something I need to work on everyday. Resting in the love of Christ. Accepting and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am enough just as I am right now.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my new Ninja!
2. a decent pen
3. Postal Express
4. the hum of a flourescent lamp
5. hats

post signature

Receiving

2011-05-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

I remember when I was pregnant with my now five year old. It was a difficult pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. Not only was my husband having to care for our then 10 year old son, but also our cousin who was in high school. It was a very difficult time.

Our church had a ministry that cooked meals for those in need. When the woman who headed up the ministry asked my husband what days he preferred meals to be delivered, he refused. He told her we were too far away and that he would take care of everything. In turn, she said, "When I am standing before God and He asks me why I didn't follow through with my ministry, I am going to have to tell him that Joe MacDonald would not let me." Needless to say, Joe agreed to deliveries of meals for several weeks. They helped us out so much. It was a huge blessing.

I have a really hard time receiving gifts. Sounds crazy, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautifully wrapped present for my birthday, Mother's Day, and at Christmas, but when someone does something out of the blue for me, I have a hard time with it.

Tonight I received a gift that meant a lot.

A church member, who is a massage therapist, has wanted to "work on me" for several months. We finally found a time and last night I went for a soak and massage "on her." It was absolutely fantastic (and so needed)! It's not that she offered her services to me gratis, but the fact that she reached out to me. She is what I call an "oozer." She has a light that radiates from her. I describe her as an "Earth Mama" with a spirit open to the universe around her. She is way cool.

When she was working on me, I felt an energy from her. I know it was love. She gave of her time and talent freely to a person who was in need of a little spiritual renewal. I believe God tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear to give of herself.

I am so glad she listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great steak
2. smells of peppermint
3. mismatched tennis shoes
4. Fabuloso
5. magazines

post signature

Let Go (part 1 of 4)

2011-05-27T06:00:00.000-06:00

Someone recently gave me a handout with some great words on "letting go". It is almost too much to take in at once, so I am going to unpack it over a few weeks.

Here's the first part:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
-Author Unknown

This is some powerful stuff.

Letting go is not something I do well. I am becoming more aware each day as my oldest child is about to turn 15 that he will be out of the house very soon. I am going to have to let him go.

I signed my 5 year old up for tee ball yesterday. He is growing up and I am having to let him be a boy and take risks despite his hemophilia. I am having to let him go.

All I can do is model what I think the best way to live your life is to my children and hope that they pick up a few good things and not the bad. I have to let go of what control I "think" I have.

I must admit that each day is a gift and that God has a plan. The outcome of every thing that I do is not completely in my hands. I try my hardest to surrender each day as I wake up to the Creator and thank Him for another day. ..that His will be done regardless of what I "want."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spontaneous "girls" lunch
2. Hats
3. Business cards
4. Impromptu visits
5. A fresh opportunity

post signature

The Way He Loves

2011-05-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

During our recent hospital stay, I pulled my "Christian" around the hospital in a red wagon so we could try to keep the "cabin fever" away. As we were passing the big reception desk, a flyer taped to the desk caught my attention..."PCOS Seminar."

Most people would say I should not have seen that flyer. It was lying flat and not posted on a wall. I wasn't standing "at" the desk, so why did I see it? I'll tell you why, because God ordained it! He wanted me at that seminar!

PCOS is a "syndrome" that affects many women. It deals with insulin resistance in the body and I have lived with it for about 14 years (read more about PCOS here).

The physician presenting, from Colorado Springs, has begun a twelve session series regarding PCOS and is working to bring the "Advanced PCOS Institute" to the University of New Mexico. It sounds like an amazing program that manages this chronic condition.

I asked a question during the presentation and the doctor told me that the infertility clinic at UNM would work with me to start the process of this program and not have to "wait" for the program to come to UNM! (The crazy part is that I have an appointment with a specialist next week...the wrong kind).

God knows everything about us. The things that make us happy and sad, our fears, our deepest desires, and the shame so many of us carry around and buy into.

Every day I have to fight against the lies that the enemy plants in my head. Tonight, God let me in on a little something..there are women out there struggling with the exact same things I struggle with. We are not alone.

We are surrounded by others who have the same beliefs and struggles and we need to be there for each other. We need to learn to "struggle well."

And the coolest thing of all, God made himself known to me clearly tonight. He literally brought me to a place of acceptance. A place where I did not feel alone while in a room of strangers. It was a reminder that He never leaves me and loves me with a love I can't begin to comprehend.

Just the way He loves you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an organized binder
2. Avery labels
3. red flowers
4. wind chimes
5. I-25

post signature

My New Blog

2011-05-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

Hemophilia has been in my life for almost 15 years.

I can honestly say that, other than my faith, the only reason I have gotten through some of the more difficult times with hemophilia is because of the moms and dads who have shared their lives and experiences with the same condition. Their words of wisdom and friendships have carried me through times when I did not think I could go on another step.

I have also had the great honor of being that mom who has helped others get through the difficult diagnosis of hemophilia. The times I have talked to those moms have been some of the favorite moments in my life.

There is so much to say as I am traveling through life raising two boys with hemophilia. My five year old has brought aspects of hemophilia to my life that I never dreamed I would encounter.

These experiences are dwelling in me and I just need to get them out (and hopefully start some discussion to let others know they are not alone).

Come and join me as I dedicate my new blog "2 Brothers with Hemophilia" to the journey of living with a chronic bleeding disorder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Blogger
2. Mary of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Designs
3. dusk
4. peanut butter sandwiches
5. homemade Italian dressing

post signature

Love Yourself Properly

2011-05-20T07:43:00.003-06:00

My dear friend, Beth, passed this along to me. I wanted to share it with you.

Love Ourselves Properly
Thomas Mertonn

"We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give others."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Beth
2. New confidants
3. the journey
4. an unexpected "soak" at the springs
5. the sound of running water

post signature

Precious in His Sight

2011-05-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

When I lived in Houston, I had several opportunities to hear Beth Moore teach at Houston's First Baptist Church (my home away from home as a musician and young college student). I had always heard of her but didn't really know who she was until I was in my early 30's. I went to one of her Tuesday night Bible studies and was absolutely blown away.

The person leading worship that night was Dennis Jernigan. I had no idea who he was at the time. He is an amazing musician and phenomenal worship leader. There was one song that touched me deeply. Profoundly. Before he sang the song, he told everyone in the sanctuary (a couple of thousand women) to close their eyes and imagine his voice was that of the Father's. These were the Father's words given to each and every one of us.

I've looked everywhere online and cannot find a recording to link up. If you are able to find the music/recording, you will be blessed.

When I try and hide and think no one is watching me, or listening to me, I am wrong. God is with me always.

When I think of myself as less than, ugly, worthless, etc. God thinks of me as the most beautiful creature on earth. The jewel in His crown.

He wants nothing more than a relationship with each of us.

Read these lyrics as if God the Father, Creator of the Universe, wrote them especially for you.

Precious Bride, Dennis Jernigan

Will you let me lead you
Take you to my side
If you saw how I see you
You would see the most beautiful, pure and holy bride

Did you know I know you
Even all you hide
Oh how I long to show you
Just how clean my blood redeemed and left you purified

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you let me love you

Will you let me fill you
With abundant life
Will you be a vessel
Giving freely from all you received glory and light

Woman will you love me
Embracing all I am
To me you are so lovely
Get to know me walk with me
Forever hand in hand

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you, let me love you

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A funky, new laptop bag
2. A three hole punch
3. My husband returning home safely
4. Late nights
5. Colleagues who give of themselves completely

What Goes Around Comes Around?

2011-05-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

The national team I work on cares for people with bleeding disorders. Honestly, it is a business that involves big money. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have seen in the industry. Bottom line...ethics are not important for those looking to make money. The problem is, they see the money, not the patient. That is why our team is so successful...we have integrity. We have always done the right thing for the right reason and never forgotten that the patient is the reason we do what we do.

Several years ago I told one of my colleagues, after we lost quite a few patients due to an unethical competitor, that we just needed to keep on doing what we were doing because in the end, we would be rewarded. The patients would want us to take care of them because we truly cared for them. It just might take awhile.

It has proven to be true.

A good friend of mine is struggling. A close friendship of his has been shattered. Many ugly truths came to light and it was just not a good situation. He is stunned, saddened and even angry. Sometimes it's just hard to accept that some things are not as they appear to be.

Some call it having "karma." I think we toss the word karma around and simply think that if we do the right thing, the right things will happen to us.

The truth is,

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." Galatians 6:7-10 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sleeping in my own bed
2. A day of no fast food
3. A Monday full of work to look forward to
4. Styrofoam cups
5. Hospital bracelets

post signature

Passing the Time

2011-05-14T10:32:00.009-06:00

I brought my little "Christian" into the hospital around 11:30 pm on Wednesday to Albuquerque (2 hours from home). He was in tons of pain with an ankle bleed that was not getting better despite our constant infusions. About 45 minutes into the drive I regretted not taking the ambulance. He was screaming in pain. Fortunately he finally fell asleep. Hearing his pain is the absolute worst.

We are still here and he is getting better slowly but surely.

I had really hoped we would be home today, but the best thing for him is to be here and heal.

My husband ran rehearsals, Thursday and Friday evenings and has a concert tonight and preaches Sunday morning….I'm on my own. But he just called and is sneaking away for a few hours before his concert to come see us! (After hours of Disney Junior and deep, stimulating conversation with a five year old, I am pretty excited that he is coming for a bit :)

Sitting and waiting can be a nice thing. You can read, surf the internet, nap, etc. but it can also be a dangerous thing.

My mind can be a dangerous neighborhood when I am there alone, you know what I mean?

Doubt creeps in about everything; I wonder if I am a good enough mother and wife, I start to beat myself up about my weight, do I portray the appropriate image and do all I need to do as the wife of a pastor, and I wonder if I had done things differently on any given day, would my little one have been able to avoid a bleed.

Talk about going crazy! The devil knows the best ways to creep into a believer's heart. He finds the areas of our lives where we are not completely happy. The areas of our lives that we strugle in and he has a field day.

Personally, I am not strong all the time. I am not an "oozer" 24/7, but I strive to be. It's those moments when I don't put Christ first in my heart, soul and mind that the devil takes root. At least I know when it's happening. So many people don't see it.

Maybe you can help someone open their eyes to the untruths that are in their heart.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The Child Life Playroom
2. crunchy, hospital bacon
3. Disney Junior
"4. Fresh fruit
5. Red wagons

post signature

Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

2011-05-12T06:00:00.001-06:00

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)

Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

post signature

What I Don't Understand

2011-05-11T06:00:00.002-06:00

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

post signature

What is on that old VHS?

2011-05-09T06:00:00.004-06:00

My husband is on a mission to covert our old VHS tapes to DVD's. He's talked about it for years and has finally started the process. His collection is mainly of old skating videos (he has kept up with all the major figure skating events since 1984...it's his "football").

He told me that my Senior Oboe Recital was on tape and I didn't remember having it recorded!

We played it last night and it was absolutely bizarre.

I saw people I haven't thought about in years, but I remembered every bit of the music. It was a great recital because it wasn't only "oboe and piano", but also "English horn, trumpet, piano," "oboe duet", and "soprano, tenor and oboe."

I saw myself at 22, about to graduate college. I wanted to scream at her and tell a few things! Not that I regret my journey, but sometimes I look back on my life and wish there were a few things I had known.

The other wonderful thing about this "lost DVD" was seeing my friends and family.

My accompanist and roommate, Jennifer K. who just "sat" at the piano and made it sing.

My friend Pam D. who had a soprano voice that could not compare with many (I can only imagine how amazing she sounds today).

Tasha M. who played her trumpet like nobody's business, and always had a twinkle in her eye.

Wake F. my former oboe teacher who recently passed away. He was brilliant.

My darling husband (boyfriend of 2 years) with a "dark" head of hair, sounding brilliant when he sang the Vaughn Williams.

My Dad, vibrant, healthy and proud. With his arm around me.

And my sweet Mom.

What a wonderful evening to remember. I'm so glad we ran across that tape.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Old tapes
2. Rickety county fair roller coasters
3. "Elvis" quoting scripture (another blog post to come)
4. A roasted chicken, not from Walmart
5. Late lunches

post signature

Missing Mom

2011-05-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

When Mother's Day comes around, and you have no mother to hug, it's sad. You feel alone.

I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law and my mother's best friend as my "pseudo moms," but it is not the same.

My mother died five weeks after my first son was born. It has been almost 15 years ago and I still can remember the touch of her hand. The expression on her face when she saw my son for the first time, the times she would bring me a drink and snack before the spelling bee in elementary school (she was a teacher's aide at my school). The times she would laugh so hard that she didn't make a sound! We always managed to start laughing at very inappropriate times :)

I missed out on having my mother with me while raising my children. What was supposed to be a joyous, sleep deprived time for me, became a time of pain. When the diagnosis of hemophilia came on top of everything else, I really was not able to deal with my grief over my mom and for that matter my son for many years.

As I look back to that time nearly 15 years ago, I see that I am not even close to being the same person I was then.

I am so thankful God intervened and worked on me.

It's taken many years to say goodbye to my Mom, but I've realized that you can never truly say goodbye. My Mom is always with me. In my heart, in the way I love my children, in the things I say and do. I still hear her voice and can feel her warmth.

Lydia Cano Campos was my mother and I adored her and miss her terribly. I would give anything to put my arms around her again.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Old frying pans
2. Recipes passed down
3. An old tea pitcher
4. Chocolate milk
5. Oscar de la Renta perfume

post signature

Wondrous Love

2011-05-05T07:44:00.002-06:00

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders

post signature

Am I Too Passionate?

2011-04-28T17:59:00.002-06:00

Back in October, my 14 year old was bullied at school and physically attacked. I've been waiting and waiting for something to happen.

Long story short, the Police Department did everything they were supposed to do, filed the report within 24 hours and now the Juvenile Probation office says they never received it. The officer re-submitted the report last week and now the case is open.

I was treated so badly by a secretary at the Juvenile office today that I have already reported her actions to her supervisor and have crafted a letter to send to her directly (while copying her supervisor and the police captain).

I'm ticked.

I've had physical stress like none other over the past two weeks.

I just believe that the right thing needs to be done for the sake of the right thing needing to be done.

The "rude secretary" needs to learn about customer service. Sometimes you deal with irate people, sometimes they are even a bit ignorant, but your job is to handle them as well as possible.

She needs to learn how to see people from another point of view (especially in her line of work).

She didn't understand that I had been getting the "run around" and had been waiting since October for justice to be served. Could I help that I am at my wits end with all of this?

She doesn't know that it takes over $100,000 a year to treat my son with factor replacement therapy and that the injuries he sustained, for the average person, were probably no big deal. It cost over $6,000 extra to treat those injuries. His injuries could have been life threatening if that bully had gone just a little bit farther.

She also didn't know the stress I was under because at the moment I was in her office looking for a few answers, my 5 year old was home suffering from not only a nasty ear infection, but a pretty serious bleed in his thigh and we had been infusing him every three hours around the clock.

You have to watch the words you say and how you say them.

Often times it's best to not say anything, but simply shake your head in agreement.

I don't get angry at much anymore, but when you mess with my children or husband, I get a little crazy.

I would appreciate your prayers as the report of the incident finally gets underway.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Listening
2. A soft, pallet on the floor
3. An understanding ear
4. Realizations
5. passion

post signature

The Things We Say

2011-04-26T06:00:00.002-06:00

You never know how powerful your words are.

An old school friend of mine shared a memory with me. She described the scene, told me what I said...but I couldn't remember the moment! She sure did. I said something kind to her and it was something she needed to hear. It was something that meant more to her than I ever imagined. I'm glad that in that moment, I spoke my heart. It was the Holy Spirit using me.

Last night I spoke to a women's group. A close knit group of a "sisterhood" that I am fortunate enough to claim as my own. When I was finished, I was approached by several of my "sisters" and they had such nice things to say. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in my presentation, but apparently my message touched several people.

The evening was not about me needing to take my own advice, but about speaking the truth that the Holy Spirit put on my heart for others to hear.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

I understand my passion now. It's not just about "speaking in public" and teaching, but to deliver the message that God gives to me. Even if the message I am delivering seems to be "old hat" and maybe not as poignant for me personally, those words I share may change someone else's heart.

You just never know.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Bubble wrap
2. My son cleaning the kitchen
3. Sweaty feet
4. A compliment by a stranger
5. Photo kiosks

post signature

One of Those Days

2011-04-21T22:02:00.003-06:00

You ever have one of those days that just pushed you to the limit every time you turned around?

That was today. I don't feel like talking much about it right now, but I know that Satan had a field day with me today. I was so busy and overwhelmed and angry at a situation that my joy was nowhere to be found. It was sucked out of me. The crazy thing is that I had more joy than I knew what to do with Wednesday afternoon! I even caught myself singing at the top of my lungs on the way home from Las Cruces. I mean I was singing like nobody's business:)

I guess the enemy just could not handle my happiness and he definitely got the best of me today.

During our Maundy Thursday service tonight, as I was taking communion from my husband, I became a little emotional. It was if Christ was touching my heart. I was reminded me that He was with me, even if I was not completely in the moment. He brought me back to that important moment of what the meaning of communion is about. The reverence, the beauty, the realization of what the Creator of the Universe did for us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Trying a new place to eat
2. A friend in church taking charge of my little one while I played music for the service
3. A new book on my Kindle
4. My little one curling up next to me, snoring 5 minutes later
5. Memories from an old friend

post signature

Routine

2011-04-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

There are some things in everyday living that just bring a sense of comfort and joy to my heart...

Being the first one up in the morning
My snoring, overweight Sheltie
My husband playing computer solitaire
Setting clothes out at night for the next day
Listening to my fourteen year old sing as he goes about his day
Stopping by Circle K for my morning coffee (I love me some gas station coffee)
Listening to my husband read night night stories
My five year old having his regular evening snack of raisins and milk (odd combination, I know)

I could go on and on about the little things in my life that mean so much. So many things that seem mundane are really precious treasures.

I have a routine in the morning. It's always the same. Why have I gotten so far away from using some of that time to be still and listen to what the Creator of the Universe has to say to me? It's almost like I am asking for something negative to happen. Do I really need for something to "shock" me into remembering how important my faith is in Christ ?

I know I am not the only one who leans heavily on God when things are rough. What I am seeing in myself is that I am getting comfortable. Comfortable in my surroundings, comfortable in my routine, and not praising God for those routine things that make life special.

Anyone can cry out to God when they are in despair.

When is the last time you cried out in praise to Him for no reason at all?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Easter decorations
2. newspaper
3. new fingernail polish
4. piano benches
5. raisins

post signature

Sunday Morning Struggle

2011-04-18T06:00:00.001-06:00

I struggle on Sunday mornings. As the wife of a pastor, "meeting and greeting" is part of the morning. I always feel like I have to be "on" and am always concerned that I am not "genuine" in my intentions. I'll admit, sometimes I have to pull myself up and "fake it" if I'm not feeling well or don't remember someone's name. Honestly, going up to make conversation with someone is not my strength.

Yesterday morning was different. I went early to fix a few small things (a new tablecloth at the entry, the new Children's worship boxes, water the new flowers, etc.) and for the first time I truly felt as if I was serving wholeheartedly.

It's not that I have served with negative intentions, but the pressures and expectations that go along with being the wife of a pastor are hard to sometimes deal with.

The bottom line is...I am a regular person. I don't wear a powder blue suit with a pill box hat on Sunday's with a casserole waiting in the oven when we get home. I am a broken person who struggles each day to do the best that I can. Each day is a new day to bring the best of myself to my family, our congregation and most importantly, myself.

I struggle and try to struggle well. Aren't we blessed to have each day begin fresh and new.

Remember, his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A clean yard
2. Memories of my Dad
3. Leftover roast
4. A fantastic Palm Sunday service
5. AA batteries

post signature

Ten Minutes

2011-04-15T06:00:00.001-06:00

I caught the end of a evening talk show the other night and the interviewer asked the celebrity a great question.

"If you could re-live 10 minutes of your life, excluding the birth of your child, what would it be?"

I remember it vividly. December 21, 1992 at Bearskin Lodge. Joe and I were on our honeymoon. I remember walking from the lodge to our cabin, stopping and looking straight up. It was 17 degrees, snow was falling, and the trees were covered with snow. It took my breath away. I knew at that moment that I was truly married to my best friend. That we were meant to be together. We were alone without a care in the world. About to begin a new life together filled with possibilities. I know that God's hand was in that moment.

What are your "ten minutes?"

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. blackberries
2. lunch with a girlfriend
3. hearing the voice of a dear friend
4. bird feed
5. babies

post signature

Listening

2011-04-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you do what you think you are "supposed" to do.

But I have recently found that doing the next thing on my list has not exactly felt right.

I have enjoyed my classes in seminary, but I have felt like I've been trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I'm trying too hard to make it happen.

I've decided to step back for awhile...and listen.

Sometimes stopping and living each moment for what it is and not worrying about what is to come is the best solution.

I guess it's what that "intentional" living is all about.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. dusty floors
2. new pillows
3. Easter "buckets"
4. magnetic fridge clips
5. being quiet

post signature

What's Their Story?

2011-04-06T06:00:00.001-06:00

We went to one of our favorite restaurant's after church Sunday at the golf course. The deck is beautiful and the weather was perfect. The waitress knows our orders before we even sit down (we've been there a "few" times).

A new waiter was working. My husband proceeded to tell me his name, that he moved from a nearby town, recently broke up with his girlfriend and is busing and waiting tables so that he can be here near his mother who is dying from cancer.

Wow. You just never know.

Yesterday I was in the drive thru at SONIC (feeding my Diet Coke addiction) and it was taking a really, really long time. I stuck with it and the woman in front of me had had it! She got out of her car and banged on the window demanding her money back. It was not pretty. When I got up to the window, the young woman (who is as sweet as can be...she knows me too) was red faced and trying to not get upset. She obviously was doing the best she could.

As I drove away I wondered what the young woman's story was. Is she working to provide for her family? Struggling through school? Trying to figure out the next step in her young life?

When we begin to get exasperated with others, I think it's important to put ourselves in their situation. What would we feel like if an irate customer attacked you and you were doing the best you could? We have no idea what is going on in their lives.

An "oozer" will take a deep breath, show some compassion, and try to handle the situation with grace.

Several years ago, I was the woman who banged on the window demanding my money back.

I am so glad Christ has changed me. I'm not perfect and I don't ooze all the time, but it is the way I strive to live. I am so grateful that He gives us a clean slate each morning.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. make-up work
2. research
3. soft dog food
4. our local office supply
5. tower fans

post signature

Making Things Happen

2011-04-04T09:14:00.002-06:00

“ Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action, and purpose. ” Lance Armstrong

I've caught myself seeing the weeks go by with the same to do list in my head. I am realizing that progress is not being made in several areas of my life. I have to make things happen.

I don't want to settle...on my opportunities at work, with my weight, the state of my health, not moving forward with my speaking ministry. There are too many things I want to happen in my life and I am catching myself just settling and going with the flow.

One of the people I admire most is my husband. When he realized he wanted to be in ministry full-time as an elder in the church and not just a music minister, he made it happen. We lived in a small town in New Mexico and he managed to get to school in Denver once a week and took classes online...for three years. He is now pastoring our church and is completely happy. He followed his dream, his passion. It was not given to him on a silver platter, he had to work for it.

I think it might be that I am just a little scared. My life is nothing like I "planned" and I am grateful, because I am definitely not the same person I was ten years ago, but I think I need to step it up and make some things happen.

My son recently asked me if I had accomplished what I wanted with my life. I told him yes in many ways, but that I didn't believe I was where I needed to be quite yet.

Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Ceiling fans
2. An unexpected chill in the air
3. Ink
4. Dry hands
5. Baby blankets

post signature

Three Minutes

2011-03-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

I like to get my nails done. Solar nails, the natural look, are my favorites. The last step in the process is a clear coat of special polish then it dries under a special UV light for three minutes.

Three minutes.

Three minutes of sitting with no phone to your ear, no book in your hand...

Three minutes to let your mind wander.

I will make the time to go to the salon and get my nails done and spend three minutes at the end being absolutely still. Why can't I make that a daily priority?

Run, run, run...one thing to the next without taking a breath.

I'm tired of running!

I need some time for me everyday. My intentional journey for 2011 is not going the way I had hoped. It's time to re-evaluate. It's time to take my three minutes with God everyday. Time to refocus.

Are you with me? Let's take three minutes each day to be still, to meditate, to pray...to be grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pop Tarts
2. the sunrise out of an airplane window
3. new shoes
4. great barbeque
5. getting work done early

post signature

Seeing the Joy

2011-03-22T06:00:00.000-06:00

When my five year old, "Christian", was born and diagnosed with Severe Hemophilia A, I was devastated.

My husband and I broke the news of his diagnosis to his then nine year old brother, "Lance," who also has Severe Hemophilia A, and Lance literally started jumping up and down! My husband and I were very confused. Why was he excited?

Lance said, "When I am in leadership (counselor) at hemophilia camp, he will be a first time camper! We will be there together!

He didn't see the pain, the numerous attempts at accessing veins, the bleeds...he automatically saw the joy.

Fast forward five years…this past Sunday evening.

Christian's port is acting up again. Something is not right. My husband had already mixed his factor and needed to get it into Christian's body, so the only option was to use a butterfly needle and access a vein. Something my husband had not done before on our little Christian but it is how Lance infuses his factor regularly.

You know how they both handled it? My Lance sat there and talked Christian through it. He was there to reassure him and help him not be scared.

My husband was able to focus on the infusion and not worry about Christian. On the second try...success.

It's something only the sibling affected with the same disorder can understand.

My Lance has a compassionate heart. He loves his brother (even though they can fight like cats and dogs). They protect each other.

I pray that my children continue to see the best in every situation and in other people. And that after my husband and I are long gone, that they have a close, loving relationship and that Christ shines through their souls.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Tea lights
2. The $15 extra dollars I spent to get my laundry finished!
3. Having meaningful input on a conference call
4. De-cluttering
5. Negative x-rays!

post signature

Use Words If Necessary

2011-03-16T06:00:00.001-06:00

During one of my online discussions in my New Testament class last week, one of my classmates made reference to a quote I had never heard before. It sums up how I want to live my life. It's what "oozing" is all about.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.” St. Francis of Assisi

The word "preach" can be misleading. You might imagine a pastor in a pulpit delivering a sermon (maybe a fire and damnation one). Maybe you even equate "preaching" to hearing your parents or teachers go on and on about something you did not do well.

Preaching can be powerful. Words can change your life. But what about your actions?

When I lived in Houston, I spent a lot of time on the toll roads. I remember stopping at a toll booth one afternoon and the toll booth operator told me to put my money away. The person in front of me paid my toll! It was only $1.50, but the act of kindness that a complete stranger extended to me warmed my heart.

When someone holds a door open for me, it not only tells me they are kind and thoughtful, but that they are acknowledging my presence. My worth. Such a small act can impact a life in unimaginable ways.

You don't have to "preach" to someone about Jesus. We are called to be the "hands and feet" of Christ. To live our lives with every action we take intended to glorify Christ, is what we should strive to do everyday.

If we have to use words to talk to someone about our faith and we struggle and stumble through our story, then we have been obedient and delivered the Good News to someone who may have never heard the message of Christ.

Step out in faith! Do something for someone else with an intentional heart. Don't be afraid to pray out loud! Live your life with Christ pouring out of your being. Be a blessing :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. padded envelopes
2. re-runs of The Golden Girls
3. The sound of my dog lapping up her water
4. Nilla wafers
5. chapped lips

post signature

The Joy of Being the Wife of a Pastor

2011-03-10T06:00:00.002-07:00

The accompanist at our church was sick yesterday, Ash Wednesday, so my husband was depending on me to play my instruments (oboe & English horn) during the service. He also needed my oldest son to sing at the beginning of the service. But there was one problem...there was no nursery worker.

I don't know why I thought my five year old would cooperate (I think the papers I have due for school this week have scrambled my common sense).

My "Christian" lasted for about 10 minutes, then I had to wrangle him away from his friend and their family (I know they were relieved) and took him to the "cry room" which is not exactly sound proof. The he commences to fight with his older brother. Off to the back I go. Things settle down, then I hear the screaming (and so does the congregation) so off I go again.

Let's just say, it was a long hour. I had to jump back and forth from trying to be a part of the service to keeping a smile on my face while fighting back the urge to impart bodily harm on my children!

I wasn't exactly "oozing the light of Christ" as my husband was talking to the congregation about this holy season and how we should reflect on our spiritual life.

The two year old in the congregation did better than my 14 and 5 year old.

Contrary to popular belief, just because you are a "pastor's wife" does not mean you have it all together.

We have dirty bathrooms, dog poop in the yard, messy kitchen cabinets and sometimes the unholiest of words will come out of mouths.

We are real people trying our best to love a very real God.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. plums
2. voicemail
3. Playgrounds
4. pants full of dirt (from a hard day's play)
5. book fair's

post signature

Rah-Rah!

2011-03-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

What a day yesterday was! The day after you have been out sick from work is always crazy. Weeding through email, answering requests, re-prioritizing...it all makes for a very busy day.

After a shower and a Wal-Mart pizza, homework loomed. I have two final papers due this week and the absolute last thing I felt like doing was pondering United Methodist Doctrine.

My husband pushed me to stop procrastinating and off I went to the dining room table.

I started trying to work and began tearing up because I had absolutely no desire to even think. I was just exausted. The moment I started getting upset, my husband shouted for my boys and they, in the midst of their craziness, did a cheer. Yes, just like the girls in junior high school, jumps and all!

My family is absolutely crazy! That is exactly what I needed to get my hiney in gear and stop my little "pity party" (I like to throw those parties for myself…hats and everything).

Are you fortunate enough to have a "fan"? I live with three men who are my biggest fans. Even when I am not a fan of myself, they never let me down.

I don't know what I would do without them.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God." Philippians 1:3 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. crazy wind
2. old Halloween candy
3. A peanut buttery bagel
4. texting grocery lists (and not being the one at the grocery store)
5. Ziploc bags

post signature

The Season is Upon Us

2011-03-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I love the season of Lent. I can't believe it begins this Wednesday.

I grew a "good Catholic girl" so the seasons of the church were an important part of my church life. When I was little it was about "giving something up." Maybe soft drinks or chocolate. I knew you weren't supposed to eat meat on Friday's but that wasn't something our home held fast to.

When I was newly married, my husband and I belonged to a fantastic church, St. Pius V in Pasadena, Texas. We were involved in the music ministry, were married there, I was confirmed there and my husband became Catholic there. The minute you walk into that sanctuary, something happens to you. I came to understand that it was truly the Holy Spirit alive in that place.

One year, we truly "did Lent" the whole way. We went to morning prayers, did devotionals, went to every special mass, and let me tell you something, the season was filled with meaning about what Jesus truly did for each and every one of us. For the first time I felt like I finally "got it."

That was really the only year I felt like I did all the right things during the season. I know, it sounds crazy, (maybe it's that old Catholic mentality I have of "doing") but I never seem to have gone through the season again with intention.

That is my hope for this year. I want to experience the Lenten season with intention. It is not going to be about giving anything up, but adding something. My husband and oldest son have already decided that we are going to spend a few minutes each evening reading scripture together.

I am tired of going through the motions and blaming it all on being busy. It is time to slow down and experience each day, because it will fly by without me even noticing.

My husband is focusing on the book of Matthew this Lenten season and I found a reading plan with Matthew as the focus. Take a look...it even has questions to ponder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Surviving my first exam in my New Testament class
2. Deadlines
3. Cooking on the grill
4. Index cards
5. reminiscing

post signature

Pain

2011-03-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I was in pain like I have never experienced this week. My shoulder started acting up Sunday afternoon, and by Tuesday afternoon, I was in a 10+ level of pain. That evening, my husband almost took me to the emergency room.

The next day I had a massage, and went to the doctor with no measure of relief. I slept most of the day.

Thursday, I went to the chiropractor and a new general doctor and they both helped me tremendously.

Today I am almost pain free and can finally function. Sounds like nothing as I write this, but it was such an overwhelming amount of pain that I cannot put words to it.

I am one of the lucky ones who experience pain that eventually goes away. What about those who endure "chronic" pain.

My dearest friend in the world, "Leigh", and I met in junior high school. We lived around the corner from each other, were in band together, went to the lake on the weekends, and even though we went on very different paths after high school, have remained close (even when we don't talk for a few years at a time). She is very special to me.

Several years ago she was in a horrific car accident (which took the life of a young woman) and left Leigh to never physically be the same. She has, and continues to suffer from that accident daily. She is in chronic pain.

When you look at her, you would never know she was in pain. But if you know her well and look into her eyes, you know that the "spunk" she always had is not there anymore.

I have experienced some extremely difficult things in my life but this is the one situation that I continue to ask God, "Why?" "Why did that truck hit her car? Why was the life of her young friend taken? Why did she experience and fight cancer for this to be in her future?"

I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that everything happens with purpose attached to it. My prayer for Leigh is that through her physical pain she is able to find purpose with her life. That God touches her in an amazing way to reassure her that she is loved just the way she is. And that she eventually finds the purpose meant for her in this life.

And that one day her "spunk" will return.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Chiropractic treatment
2. Walk-in appointments
3. Burgers on the grill
4. Fans
5. New pillows

You Just Never Know

2011-02-28T20:09:00.004-07:00

Today was a pretty busy day at work. I had several phone calls to make to colleagues whose names I mostly am familiar with on email. That's how the business world works I guess. Electronic relationships.

One of the calls I made was to a colleague in Ohio. I knew her name, but honestly, if she had been standing in front of me, I would not have known her. The minute I identified myself, she immediately said, "I remember you! I heard you speak at our Clinical Symposium! I'll never forget your presentation. It really made an impact on me."

That presentation was a huge moment for me professionally. My goal was to touch a heart. To hopefully reach out and encourage a person in the audience to really think about their patients in a more personal way.

It has been several years ago, and that someone still remembers what I said and used it to make a difference in a person's life. That means the world to me.

It assures me that I am on the path that I am supposed to be on.

It also reminds me that words are powerful.

"What am I telling my five year old?"

"Do I always sound bothered when I respond to my fourteen year old?"

"Does my online posting for class make sense, or am I am offending anyone?"

You never know who is listening to you (or reading what you write). If we want to "ooze" we have to strive to always be at our best. No, we can't be "on" all of the time, but we can sure try to live our best life with every breath we have left.

There's a great verse in Ephesians and I really like the version from The Message:

"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift." Ephesians 4:29

You don't need money to give a gift.

Sometimes the best offering is a word of thanks or praise.

Jesus is waiting.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Frozen meatballs
2. Finishing my postings early!
3. A squeaky rocking chair
4. Bags of leaves
5. Bubble baths

It's Always Something

2011-02-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

When a child loses their first tooth, it's exciting! A little messy, but eventful. For a child with a bleeding disorder it can be all of those things...plus some.

"Christian's" front tooth has been loose and oozing blood on and off. His teacher was a little concerned yesterday, so I took him to the dentist to get checked out. The dentist took an x-ray and you won't believe what he found….an extra tooth! Another baby tooth is coming in before his permanent tooth!

Looks like he will be getting a few more dollars out of the tooth fairy :)

The dentist consulted with our hematologist and decided it best to pull the tooth (it was barely hanging on), so we went back this morning for the big event. When I saw that Christian would be getting a shot, I panicked! My fourteen year old has never had a shot in his mouth, so I was nervous. The dentist assured me all would be fine per his conversation with our hematologist, so I had to watch him give my little guy a shot (the dentist was pretty sneaky and fast). All is well.

It's moments like these that remind me about my sons and their hemophilia. I get snapped out of my complacency. I really do get complacent about hemophilia. Maybe that's a good sign...that we are living our lives fully and most importantly letting our boys live their lives with excitement and passion.

I will do whatever I can, for as long as I can, to never let hemophilia "rule" my sons.

I know for a fact that "whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful for:

1. an extremely productive work week
2. "Dr. Matt" and his gentle heart
3. a toothless grin
4. highlighters
5. a weekend away in Santa Fe

Finding My Groove

2011-02-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like I can breathe. I hate to say I am "caught up" (because that is just asking for trouble) but after being out sick last week I am finally in a place at work where I know what is next, my house is in order again, and I am seeming to figure school out.

It's been hard finding the time to get my school work completed….mainly the reading. Everything seems to be falling in place. My guys are great in the evenings, because when I go into the office and close the door, they know I am busy and give me the time I need. That makes everything go faster and I actually spend less time away from them.

It goes back to being "intentional" with my time. Making it count. When I sit to read, I pour into my reading and concentrate on the content (sometimes after re-reading several times). When I talk to my children, I look into their eyes and listen to every word they say. When I compose an email, I think about the tone that I am using.

Everything matters.

It's like the old saying "stop and smell the roses." It means taking time to enjoy the things around you, stopping and giving yourself a minute to give thanks, and appreciating your situation.

I am not one to "meditate," but I do admire those who can. On a recent Oprah, she and Goldie Hawn were talking about happiness. They were giving the audience a quiz about different things that can determine your "level of happiness." One of the questions asked was whether or not you spent a time of silence in each day. The results were pretty amazing. About 70% said they did not.

I'm not surprised.

Oprah nearly fell out of her chair and talked to her viewers about how important it is to take a few minutes each day to give thanks to whomever or whatever it is in your life that is greater than your self.

She's right.

Do we take at least one minutes to give thanks and breathe each day? It's not how much time or where we spend the time that is important, but let's be intentional in our day and give thanks.

Can you take one minute?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sharp scissors
2. A good hair day
3. The ticking of a clock
4. The sound of the heater in the house
5. Fuzz at the bottom of the fridge

The Work to be Done

2011-02-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing." Ephesians 2:8-10 (The Message)

I am being called to ministry. For the longest time I didn't really know what that meant. But through prayer and reflection I have come to believe that God is calling to me to get my Master's in theology. And actually, even going down the path of ordination to become a Deacon.

It's a really hard path. School is not easy. You might think that a field such as "theology" is just a bunch of people spouting off philosophy and Jesus, but I am here to tell you that it is much more than that.

I've gotten upset with God lately. Through my recent weeklong illness (still trying to feel normal) I've had to maintain my reading and posting for school. When I get overwhelmed with all of the reading and lack of understanding I have for so much, I get angry because I really want to quit and "go back to school when my little one is older." God has other plans. It's hard work and I know that pushing through and doing my best is what I am called to do.

I want to have the understanding and knowledge about my theology so that I can be a good witness for those who are seeking Christ. You don't have to go to seminary to be a witness for Christ, but I truly feel as if God is impressing this path on my heart.

He has work for me to do. I am still breathing, so He is obviously not done with me yet! I need to press on and do the work that has been laid out for me.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Being out of bed
2. A stocked pantry
3. The jingling of dog tags
4. Almost all of the clothes being washed
5. Big, old baskets

post signature

When Things Come Up

2011-02-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you love when what is supposed to be a "normal" week turns out to be nothing but normal? I started feeling bad Monday evening and Tuesday and Wednesday, I was in bed. I haven't been that sick in a really long time. I managed to get a few hours of work in Thursday and then I tried to catch up on my reading for school. The days I had planned on reading were spent in bed sleeping.

Sometimes it takes a lot to make you slow down.

It also takes a lot for you to give up control.

I have dirty clothes everywhere, my little one's room is a disaster and my menu for the week….well, let's just say our Wal-Mart pizza tasted pretty good tonight.

I have a stack of reading to do for school and a major project and test coming up.

I have to let go of things. I mean, my husband is more than capable, and my fourteen year old is a fantastic help, but when I can't "do" everything I feel pretty guilty. I even question whether or not I should be going to school.

Going back to school is like planning to have a baby….if you wait till you can "afford" the time and money….you'll never have that baby.

It all works out.

In the end, it won't matter how clean your house is, how many home cooked meals you make in a week, or if the towels in your linen closet match your bathroom.

What matters is the love you share with your family and the way you live your life….with passion.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Feeling better
2. Energy to read
3. Choo-choo's rolling on the wood floor
4. Dirty clothes
5. bookmarks

post signature

Measure Your Life in ... Love

2011-02-14T06:00:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite musicals is Rent. Several years ago I heard music from the show before I even knew the storyline and fell in love with the music. ..one song in particular, Seasons of Love. Rent tells the story of a group of impoverished young artists and musicians struggling to survive and create in New York's Lower East Side in the thriving days of Bohemian Alphabet City, under the shadow of HIV/AIDS.

The one thing that keeps them all together...Love.

Think about the things in our life that exemplify love. I don't mean weddings and roses, but what are the things you do that show you love someone?

Pack a lunch
Bring a Sonic drink as a surprise
Put bubbles in the bath
Wash clothes
Make your spouse's travel arrangements
Take out the trash
Changing a diaper
Picking up a prescription for a sick loved one

There are so many ways to express our love to someone. Being able to love, is a gift...and being loved back, is a blessing beyond our wildest dreams.

God loves you. More than you can imagine. When you think about how much you love your partner or your children, your heart wells up with emotions beyond words.

That, Beloved, is how the Creator of the Universe feels about you.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Matthew 22:37-39

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Heart shaped cookie cutters
2. A new light fixture
3. Heart shaped doilies
4. Elmer's glue
5. Glitter pens

post signature

My "Old" Friend

2011-02-08T18:47:00.005-07:00

I loved high school. I was blessed to have wonderful friends and fantastic times! I had many special relationships in school, and one friendship has a very special place in my heart.

I met Don my freshman year of high school. He was from the "other" junior high. He sat behind me in typing class (a class I absolutely did not want to take). We got to know each other and became very close throughout our high school years. Many a project was worked on at his house (they had a great big table in the living room where many of us remember some great times). He wrangled me into the Drama Club and Model United Nations and we were in practically every class together (except math...my nemesis). His mother even hung my senior picture in their living room if that tells you anything. And he called me "Cassie," and no one ever did that.

He was the brother I never had. I am not great at remembering birthday's but I have never forgotten his. It's today. I made my annual call to him this morning and that conversation set the mood for having a fantastic day! It just warmed my heart to hear his voice and catch up. Because of Facebook and blogs I feel like we have never been out of touch.

Why do we wait for birthday's and anniversaries, or even funerals before we get in touch with old friends?

I am so glad I talked to my old (not really "old") friend today. And I am hoping he and his lovely wife come out to New Mexico this summer. I want my boys to meet him. I want my "Lance" to meet the person who inscribed my volume of Shakespeare that is in his room.

God placed Don in my life for many reasons. He lives true to his faith. Don never really talked "religion" with me, but he didn't have to. He lived it. I wish I knew then what I know now about my faith because I would have loved to have shared that with him. But you know what? It's not too late.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:3-6 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. self seal envelopes
3. old candles
4. a positive email
5. clean clothes

post signature

What is Yet to Come

2011-02-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's easy to get overwhelmed. I am the queen of that! When I start to think about work, school, family and all of the medical issues my little one deals with, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is. Isn't that crazy?

Here I am , a pastor's wife, who struggles with doubt.

Doubt about whether or not I can produce in my job as well as expected.

Doubt about whether or not ordained ministry is truly the path God is steering me towards.

Doubt whether or not I am being completely present for my family.

I could go on and on, but fortunately God's word came alive to me today.

I am preparing a sermon for Sunday and today it really came alive to me as I was studying.

“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him--1 Corinthians 2:9(NIV)

We have no clue what is in store for us on here in this world on in eternity. The best is yet to come! The world is not all there is. We are so busy "doing" and "going" that I think we can forget that our true reward awaits us in eternity. At least, I know I can forget.

My "plan" in life was to be a middle school band director, raise my children in the suburbs of the big city and bake cookies for the PTO at school.

Funny how God works. I'm in a second career, contemplating a third, raising my children in a very, small town, and the wife of a pastor. And knowing that the best is yet to come is also a bit overwhelming, but things are pretty amazing the way they are.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. bitter cold
2. an open Bible
3. warm scarves
4. hamburger patties
5. snow on the kitchen floor

post signature

What Warms Your Heart?

2011-02-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

You ever have those moments that just warm your heart? I've been blessed recently to have a few of those moments.

My five year old came home from the sitter's house and he was carrying an individually wrapped oatmeal cookie with cream on the inside ( The kind of treat I don't ever have in my pantry)! He asked his dad to open his treat. Without hesitation, my little one broke the cookie in half and said, "Here Big Bro." He shared that cookie with love without being asked.

My fourteen year old has been unusually helpful in the kitchen lately. He loads and empties the dishwasher, and even volunteers a night to cook dinner! As he was putting dishes away I leaned over and thanked him for his extra help. I let him know how much I appreciated the things he was doing. He then said to me, "It's really opened my eyes to how much you do, Mom. Thanks for doing everything you do."

My husband and I actually had dinner together...at a restaurant….alone! We talked about everything under the sun and he stopped, looked into my eyes, and told me how much he loved me. An unexpected, beautiful moment.

Through all of the busyness in my life, work, school, kids, chemo, church, God was present in a few extra powerful moments. Those moments get me through my hardest days.

Have you had any "moments" lately?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The possibility of snow
2. A finished assignment
3. Office supplies
4. Being busy
5. receipts

post signature

What is Most Important?

2011-01-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy couple of days. I was off work last week for a few days g with my Christian in the hospital and I have been slammed at work. I think today I might actually be able to take a breath. It's all good though. I would rather be busy than twiddling my thumbs.

In the midst of "catching up" I also had to do some reading and posting for school. I did not think I would be able to do it. Being in the hospital this last time took a lot out of me. I'm still not sure why, because I've been in the hospital for much longer periods of time.

I guess the bottom line is that it never gets easier.

This week I've started to really think about what I am doing….being a mom, with a little one that has more medical needs than most, being a wife, working full time, going to school, trying to take part in a Bible study online, and trying to take care of myself.

It's not working. It's just a bit too much.

I am at a point in my life where I may have bitten off a bit more than I can chew.

School has started to freak me out. There are times I am reading my assignments and it may has well been in Chinese! It's just a new language and I am really doubting whether or not I can do this. And I'm wondering if I'm in school for the right reasons.

What are my intentions? Why am I doing the things I am doing?

It's a journey. A journey to living my best life. A journey to determining what is most important.

The center of my life is God. At least it should be. I am letting everything else take over….and it's time to focus.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Grapes
2. Being productive
3. Being a couch potato
4. My new chiropractor
5. Leftover turkey

post signature

An Unexpected Change of Plans

2011-01-21T06:00:00.001-07:00

Don’t you love making plans? I'm one of those who like to make lists and check things off! You plan out your week, you have certain tasks that need to be accomplished and you actually look forward to being busy and productive.

I started my week by going to my first Yoga class at 6 am on Monday morning! I was so proud of myself for actually going to try something new (and so early in the morning). I figured my week was going to be great since it was off to such a fantastic start.

Then Tuesday rolled around and my “Christian” was having tons of trouble with his leg (and it was his birthday). Long story short, we had to go to the hospital in Albuquerque that evening and are still there (we should be discharged this afternoon).

No more Yoga or Zumba this past week, I missed a day of work because I was absolutely fried, and my schedule of things to accomplish is out the window! But the most important thing is that I was able to be with my son through a painful bleed and his chemotherapy treatment.

Plans. They can be a good thing, but when they change, we have to work to see the purpose in the change. I truly believe God is continually at work in our lives. He has this amazing plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes we listen to that nudge on our heart and other times we don’t. Sometimes we even get angry at the result of things in our lives, and finding the beauty in the things that make us angry is a stretch.

My Christian has been through more than most in his five years. And as I watched him struggle yesterday while being prepped for a procedure and as I watched him being laid on the table for his MRI, I knew at those moments that something amazing is going to happen in his life. Maybe he will be President, maybe he will be the researcher who figures out gene therapy and cures disease.

Maybe he will be the one person who sits with another and tells them that God loves them.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:12 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Chocolate ice cream
2. IV poles
3. Heart monitors
4. Nurses
5. volunteers

post signature

The Surprise of My Life

2011-01-18T06:00:00.003-07:00

After my "Lance" was about 4 years old, my husband and I decided we wanted to have another child. A year passed, then two, and then the trips to the doctor began. We even took part in some infertility treatments (nothing too major) and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I even enrolled in a study through the UT Health Science Center and no luck.

But a few weeks after exiting the study, I was pregnant! I had truly, finally accepted that I would not bear another child, and lo and behold, I was pregnant. It wasn't quite according to our plans, since my oldest son was 9 years old. It was quite a difference in span of years between them, but you know what….we were thrilled beyond belief!

After an extremely difficult pregnancy, my "Christian" came into the world on January 18, 2006. All 9 lbs of him!

He had hemophilia, which at the time we did not expect, and his hemophilia has proved to be extremely difficult, but you know what I believe? That God has an amazing plan for this child.

And what I know? Is that I would not be who I am today without him.

I love you, Christian. Happy 5th Birthday!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Thomas the Train
2. cupcakes
3. candles
4. piles of dirt
5. wooden choo choo tracks

post signature

Like Christmas Morning

2011-01-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

I traveled to Pittsburgh on Thursday for meetings and came right back Friday evening. It was a very long trip….about an 8 hour journey from leaving my home to arriving at my final airport. I was torn about leaving because my "Christian" because had his first chemo treatment Friday, and he was being admitted for overnight observation since it had been a few months since his last treatment.

I knew my husband and oldest son were there with him and all was fine, but being away during this treatment was hard for me. I only missed one treatment last year, so why not have a break? Right?

My husband had to preside over a funeral Saturday, so I had to be back and switch with him on Friday evening. I was hoping to make it before Christian fell asleep, but I didn't quite make it.

I was relieved to be at the hospital with him. Just to touch his forehead as he slept and hear his breathing knowing that the chemo went well.

The next morning, I was up early. I turned toward his hospital bed and he opened his eyes. He looked at me like it was Christmas morning! I was the first thing he saw and he completely lit up with his little mouth wide open. That moment took away all the tiredness, all the disappointment from one of my meetings and completely melted my heart.

It was a moment that is etched into my heart and soul. It was a moment I felt like I didn't deserve because I've not been as "faithful" in my devotional time with God and have strayed off my path of living my most intentional life.

But I know that God sees beyond all of my mess. He loves me the way I am right at this minute and I think that moment that my Christian saw me was probably the same reaction God has when He sees me.

It's almost too much to comprehend. That the Creator of the Universe loves me with an everlasting love.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The feel of a new book
2. Sharpie pens
3. Restocking the pantry
4. Long, conversations
5. Stinky dogs

post signature

An Intentional Journey

2011-01-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned that my word for the year is “intention.” I want to think about what and why I am doing something. What makes it special? What makes it purposeful?
I also want this year to be about the journey with intention. What do I stumble across? What makes it hard or worthwhile?

There is a new member of the team I work with, who I happen to report to. (As I write this, I am in a hotel in Pittsburgh having just left dinner with her and will join her in meetings tomorrow before flying back home).

I approached my meeting with good intentions. I wanted to allow myself to be open while getting to know her better. I also wanted to be heard and understood. It’s amazing what having the right heart and attitude can do :) It was a great dinner, and we had great conversation about not just work, but our families as well. It’s a journey I will be on as I get to know her better and work closely with her.

Another journey I have been on involves my “Christian” and his chemo treatments. He starts the next big round of treatments Friday and here is the amazing thing. His doctor called me while at my business dinner to tell me that “Christian’s” inhibitor has gone down to 47.5! When we started the chemo treatments it was over 300! It’s working! Slowly but surely. The journey has been worth it.

And finally, I have also decided to claim 2011 as the year I journey to my best health. Not a journey to lose a certain amount of weight or work out a certain number of times a week, but I want it to be a journey of rediscovering myself and finding the place where I feel the best. It is going to be a combination of good eating, exercising, seeing the endocrinologist, and just plainly taking care of myself. I want to be around for my family and if I don’t get to feeling my best, I won’t be good for them.

I’m looking forward to this journey. What journey are you on?

“The journey is the reward.” Chinese proverb

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spectacular view
2. Snow
3. On time flights
4. Phone calls delivering spectacular news
5. Hotel coffee

post signature

Different

2011-01-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep." Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)

I took my boys to their annual Hemophilia Clinic appointment yesterday. I was expecting a pretty normal, routine visit. My "Lance" is a walk in the park with his hemophilia. He's not had major issues with bleeding, infuses himself regularly and does great. Now my "Christian" is another story.

He is starting another round of chemo on Friday (the treatments last year have really improved his inhibitor levels) and does have regular bleeds, especially in his right ankle, a target joint. He's been walking funny for a few weeks, and I was thankful that we were going to visit with the physical therapist.

Long story short, he was fitted for a brace for his ankle. When we go into the hospital Friday, it will be ready for him to try out.

I know, a brace is not a big deal, no one will probably even notice it under his pants, but the fact is "I" know it's there.

I absolutely hate that my children have to deal with a chronic condition. Yes, it will never "go away" or "get better." When you look at my children you would never know anything was wrong with them medically. Unless they were pretty bruised up at the time. Christian has an implanted port that is often left accessed, so you can see the bandage under his shirt sometimes. And if his shirt is off, you can see the "bump" of his port. Now the brace. An outward sign of something that is not right, something that is different.

When I got back in the car with my boys after our appointment, Lance could see I was a little upset. "Why are you upset about a brace, Mom? It's not a big deal" he said.

He's right. It's not a big deal. Christian could be bound to a wheelchair or not able to walk at all, but my first reaction is that when someone is "different" they stick out. They are marked. And often attacked for it.

I've seen it time and again with Lance. The bullying because he was not a "jock". It was relentless.

My Christian is young enough where his Pre-K friends won't even notice, but soon enough, kids cruelty shines through.

I just worry and I know that I should not worry about tomorrow, because today definitely has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34).

I truly believe my children are here for great things. God created them just the way they are. He knew they were strong enough to handle the "extras" that life would throw at them with a bleeding disorder.

I also know that God blessed me and my husband with these two particular creatures, not just to love them and care for them and raise them to be Godly men, but to help us be better people. To love unconditionally and go the extra mile with all the "stuff" that living bleeding disorder brings to the table.

Different is not bad. I can't imagine what life would be like if we were all the same!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Extra blankets
2. Choo- choo tables
3. A kind hearted doctor
4. Clean restrooms
5. That beautiful pink in a New Mexico sunset

post signature

I Played

2011-01-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've played the oboe since I was in 5th grade, so I guess I was about 10 or 11. It was my passion through school and it continued as I went to school and received a Bachelor of Music Education degree and taught for many years in the public school system.

I was very fortunate to play professionally (freelance) around Houston starting in my college days. I can't think of an Easter or Christmas season that I have not played my instrument….until this past Christmas. I didn't even open my case. It's the first time in over 30 years that I had not played during the holiday season.

When we moved from Houston, I lost the opportunities I was fortunate enough to have to perform. When I changed careers and left band directing, I looked so forward to those calls I would get to play at churches around the city. I miss it. For a couple of years I even flew back to Houston during Christmas to play at First Baptist Houston (a very special church in my life) but eventually let it go as many things were changing and I just felt like it was time to move on.

I've just let it go and I never thought I would. But my husband asked me to play at church yesterday, so I dusted off my case, soaked a reed and played.

I've not felt that close to God in a really long time.

I am supposed to be playing! Just because I don't live in the big city with lots of opportunity to play doesn't mean I shouldn't we playing for myself and for God.

I am so glad I had this "Ah-ha" moment. I realized that I don't feel as connected when I am simply a member of the congregation. I need to be involved in the service. Be it reading scripture, preaching, or playing.

I guess we have to venture off our paths sometimes. Maybe it's so that when we get back on track we realize how important our passions truly are.

What have you let go of in your life that brought you joy?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Grapes
2. Excess medical supplies
3. Rearranging furniture
4. Cardstock
5. Chocolate covered peanuts

post signature

My Superstar

2011-01-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life began when my oldest son, "Lance," was born 14 years ago. I remember the doctor laying him on my chest and not being able to breathe. I was so overcome with emotion that I did not know how to respond. Tears were flowing and I felt as if my heart was about to come out of my chest.

I also remember when I was pregnant with Lance, talking to my husband and saying, "What if he's not musical?" His father and I are classically trained musicians, so the thought did enter my mind and I wondered "Wouldn't that be odd?"

Lance is a freshman and made the New Mexico All-State Treble Choir this year. Yes, the treble choir. His voice has not changed, but that did not seem to matter. He was selected as one of 200 voices (he is the only male) in the choir.

This week he has been in rehearsals in preparation for the All-State Concert this Saturday. He was selected as one of 6 in his choir to be featured in a sextet in the opening piece!

I guess he turned out to be musical :)

He is a typical 14 year old (doesn't pick up after himself very well, loses things, not much motivation, loves his electronics) but when he opens his mouth to sing……...I almost don't know who he is! It's just angelic!

Just the other night we were having a pretty intense discussion about responsibility and school work, etc. and then two days later, he's a superstar!

I know he has been given an amazing gift. The gift of music. The gift to express himself in a way that not everyone is able.

It's times like this when I want to grab every bully who has ever mistreated him by the neck and say, "Look at this amazing person! How in the world could you be ugly to him? God has blessed him in an amazing way how could you not see the person he is?"

But I know the truth, that all things happen for reasons. That the things my Lance has had to endure have made him stronger. I pray he will continue to be compassionate and caring to others and most importantly that the bullies of the world will get a clue one day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Having a heart overflowing with emotion
2. Facebook friends with their encouragement and kind words
3. Gloves
4. Priceline
5. Mason jars

post signature

Intentional Prayer

2011-01-05T09:22:00.003-07:00

My word for 2011 is …….

Intentional.

I want to live with intention. To be purposeful in all that I do.

From the way I react and act with my children and husband to the way I think of things in the past.

My friend Cynthia, a phenomenal artist, recently wrote a few of her personal goals for 2011 on her blog. I especially liked the one that reads "Become less attached to the past (honor it, remember it, but be less reactionary)."

Sometimes I catch myself getting too caught up in the past.

"Why did I say that?"

"What if I would have…..?"

I think the key is to learn from the past and to not dwell in the past.

I had a close relationship destroyed many years ago. One that I think of daily. Could things have been handled and said differently? Of course. But I know that all I can do for now is pray. Pray for resolution. Pray for the other person to understand who God truly is and have a relationship with Him. Pray for forgiveness on both ends.

I plan to be intentional in my prayers.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great bagel sandwich
2. pancakes "to go"
3. wearing a fleece jacket everyday
4. peel off labels
5. laughter

post signature