A Reminder

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."  Psalm 40:1-3

God never loses sight of you.

Over the past few weeks, my life has been upside down.  Depression is a horrible thing.  It takes you to places that no one should go. 

Between my depression and "Christian's" recent hospital stay it has been an extremely difficult time.

I finally feel as if my head has begun to clear and I truly remembered that I have not been alone.  God has kept me in the palm of His hand throughout this rough patch.  I know, a pastor's wife should know this, but when you struggle, the enemy can advantage and plant doubt in you before you have a chance to realize what has happened.

As I was making dinner last night (one of the first productive things I've done in some time) I lit a candle in the kitchen.  Every time I see a flame I think of Christ's light.  Candles have always reminded me that Christ was with me.  Always. 

Sometimes we have to go to dark places to find the light again.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Candy corn

2.  Fresh apple pie

3.  Dirty clothes

4.  cold toes
5.  candle

Empty

I have absolutely nothing right now.

I am completely empty.

Life is trying to settle back into a rhythm.

I will be back soon to celebrate my 500th post!

Blessings to you.

The Most Awful Night

Wednesday night was one of the worst nights of my life. My "Christian" came into the hospital due to an ankle bleed on Tuesday. We could not control his pain at home. His ankle bleeds are notoriously painful….just off the charts.

A morphine pump had to be used and he could just get comfortable. His pain was unbearable. Long story short, it was too much. He got into the kind of deep sleep that children going into surgery get into. He would not wake up. I kept rubbing his legs and arms and kept wiping his face with a wet cloth. I was out of my mind! The room was filled with doctors and nurses working to get him to wake up and they gave him medicine to reverse the morphine. It was so painful to watch him come off the morphine.

For a moment, which seemed like an eternity, I thought he would not wake up. What would I do if he did not wake up? It was the worst feeling of my life.

You think you know what hemophilia is all about. The bleeds, the infusing, talking to the school nurse constantly, having boxes and boxes of supplies...enough to open a small pharmacy...and you get so enveloped into the hemophilia that you don't think that something else could happen.

Years ago some friends of ours, with a 2 year old son who had severe hemophilia, died from choking. Choking. Their lives were so immersed into the bleeding disorder that nothing else ever crossed their minds and it was devastating.

I'm not saying we should worry about living, but when you have a wake up call like I did, it reminds you to not take things for granted. Build Legos, snuggle and watch a movies, take their hand and follow them to their room to play.

We never know when our last day will be, so let's make the most of each and every moment.

Tears

I've shed lots and lots of tears over the past couple of weeks.

It just recently hit me that my sadness was surrounding the passing of my Dad, even though it's been five years.  But I was also very vulnerable because I had been pretty sick (and was really good at hiding it from most) and finally had to cave in and miss a few days of work to take care of myself.

Now that I am healing and on the other side of the anniversary of my Dad's passing, things are brighter.

A wise friend in my Bible Study class said that "if we don't have tears, we cannot see the rainbow."  Some great perspective.

When we come to those times in our lives where everything seems to be falling apart, we have health concerns, are feeling great loss...we wonder where God is at.  "How can He let these things happen to me?  Why aren't things better?"

What we forget to realize is that He is holding us close always.  His arms are wrapped around us throughout the storms in our lives and His heart breaks for us.  But once the storm is over and dancing begins, God is the first one to celebrate with us.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28  (MSG)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hot air balloons

2. Serving communion

3. Clothes to launder

4. Finally having the DVD's find a home on shelves - thank you hubby :)

5. tears

I Miss Him

Today is a bittersweet day.  It's my 44th birthday and the 5th anniversary of the day my Dad passed away.  I am so blessed to share this day with him, even if it was a sad one. 

 

I adored my Dad.  

He held his emotions and feelings very close.  He was not one to say "I love you" out loud, but he sure did show love to my family by the hours he spent working as a school administrator.  To this day I compare everyone's work ethic to that of my Dad.  The desire he had to always be better and not settle for less than your absolute best was just the norm...I can clean a mean yard and paint a house like nobody's business :).

The moment I cherish the most with my Dad came when he was at the end of his life.  He did not speak anymore and I was not sure if he understood what was happening to him.  It was an extremely sad way to see a person end their life.  He was so strong and vital and to see him confined to his bed was devastating. 

One day I was talking to him and out of nowhere, he reached his arm out to me looked me straight in the eyes and pat my shoulder.  It was one of the most powerful, meaningful moments of my life.

When you lose a parent, part of your soul goes with them.  When you lose both, you are never the same.  I don't have a mom or dad to call when something amazing happens in my life.  When my "Christian" loses another tooth, or when "Lance" gets excited about college….those are moments that I cannot pick up the phone and tell Mom and Dad about.  Yes, there are many that love us and celebrate in those triumphs, but it's just never the same.

I am so fortunate to have been loved by my parents.  I pray that my children know, with every fiber of their being, that I love them.

Feeling Lousy

To say I feel lousy is such an understatement right now.  To top everything off I have a toothache and my husband is out of town :(  Three of my friends have lost parents over the weekend, my little one is not "wanting" to infuse and making it very difficult, and it's just already been a hard week.

It's only up from here :)

I have a lot brewing in my mind and heart and will be back to share with you next week.

Blessings to you all.