Why?

The eternal question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is a hard one to answer.

There is one situation that comes to mind when I hear this question. It involves my best friend from school and the car accident that completely changed her life. Why did she go through that trauma? Why is her life so markedly different that what she expected? Why did this happen to her?

We lost a cousin this week. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and two young children. Why did this happen? Why are these children not going to grow up with their Daddy?

And the most significant question I have is "Why does my five year old have to suffer with his hemophilia?" Yesterday was absolutely the worst day ever with his hemophilia (you can read about it here). "Why does my precious son have to endure constant infusions, hospitalizations, and pain? What did he do for this to be his reality"?

I don't think God "designates" a person to have a medical condition or "lot" in life. It's not something we can ever understand (this is a complete other blog posting….).

What I do know is that God was present in our terrible day today. He was there when Christian came back from his x-rays to a new, red fire truck. God was there when the Child Life worker came in to calm him down while playing with an iPad. And God was with us when the hematologist looked at me and simply said "he needs a new port."

Everything happens for a particular reason and I am glad the events of the day unfolded the way they did. Even though we are in the hospital for several days, we are definitely where we need to be.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Good IV's
2. Cookies and milk
3. A shower after a day of running around
4. Darkness
5. Suitcase surprises

Being Treated Badly

I am trying to deal with being treated badly.

The short story is that a doctor from our Hemophilia Treatment Center was beyond rude to our family, during a bleed with our five year old, while out of town. He judged us and reprimanded us without knowing our situation.

We are writing a grievance to the hospital against this doctor, who we found out is the main oncologist. The head of the department. He just "helps" out with hemophilia because he has to.

He's not heard the last from us.

One of his colleagues called us to schedule a meeting (I think more damage control than anything) next Tuesday.

I refuse to let these doctors instill doubt in me where the care of my son is concerned. Friday night I was a complete mess while at the emergency room in San Francisco because of what this unprofessional doctor had said to our family. I left the ER with a passionate doctor telling me we were doing everything right.

You never know what a person is dealing with. The kind of day they had, maybe a family pet recently died, they are having a bad time at work, they are in fear of losing their job or maybe they have been out of work for months.

You can't always judge by what things look like on the outside.

Be aware of what you say and how you treat others.

You could just make their day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. My portable swamp cooler2. Preparing for a business trip
3. The breeze on the bay in San Francisco
4. Clean tables
5. The companionship my sweet, Sheltie, Rosie gave our family for the past 10 years.

The Journey

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

My First Passion

I remember the day my sister brought my instrument home for me. Her band director wanted me to play the oboe, so I did. I was in 5th grade and haven't stopped playing since.

I taught band for 13 years and free lanced in the Greater Houston area from the age of 18 to up to 5 years ago. When we moved to New Mexico, the opportunities dried up. I only played occasionally at church.

Music was (is) my first passion. I was a "band kid" all throughout school. I went to all the auditions, the extra contests and took private lessons from a man in the Houston Symphony. Music defined a big part of who I was becoming.

I found a local group (an hour away) and auditioned for the director. The Mesilla Valley Concert Band. I have rehearsed the past three nights and will perform in a concert this morning. I've been in heaven! I've even been playing the English Horn parts which I absolutely love to play.


Sometimes you have to reconnect with a long, lost passion. Honestly, I was a little scared, but I am sure glad I walked through it and went after it. Time moves fast. We can think and dream about things that made us happy, so why not move on it and reconnect?




Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The repair man in Las Cruces who got my instruments in shape
2. Good reeds
3. My double instrument stand
4. 10 minute breaks
5. Stars and Stripes

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Source: Teaching With Fire

Let Go (part 4 of 4)

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the plans I have made.

Christian has an appointment on Monday.
I've made travel arrangements to San Francisco and Chicago in July.
I am assisting at a memorial service tomorrow.
My husband and I are planning a vacation next year.

Those things may or may not come to happen. Regardless, I need to live in the moment and not tie myself up completely in what is to come.

What about the things that are happening right now?

I want to truly "cherish" myself. I want to love myself unconditionally and accept who I am right now, at this moment. When I think about past mistakes and broken relationships, it is very easy to doubt my decisions and my whole being.

I want to fear less and love more. Especially to love myself.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. holding babies
2. potato salad
3. Scotch tape
4. air conditioners
5. pizza night

Nothing in this World

When you look at your children everything else you have done in your life pales in comparison.

The craziness of a project at work

Misunderstandings

Getting the house painted

Continually picking up after your family

Arguments

Relationships

Love

We can make lists for days about the things that bother us, the things we want to change, the good and the bad. But if you are a parent, the bottom line is that nothing in this world compares to being part of a child's life.

Today, my family celebrates my 15 year old son, "Lance". He came into this world at 9:56 pm on June 23, 1996 and my world has never been the same.

He has taught me about choo-choo trains, bugs, coloring inside the lines, how to eat a juicy grape, watching Disney movies, art, music, bullies, hemophilia, and finding an inner strength I never knew I had.

My life truly began when he was born. I have done and felt things I never dreamed possible. The most amazing thing I've learned how to do is love.

When the doctor placed him on my chest after he was just born, I felt as if I was about to suffocate. I didn't understand at that moment, but came to realize that feeling was love in a way I had never experienced. A full, smothering, all encompassing love.

How do you love someone you just barely met?

God makes that happen.

He brings these little creatures into our lives to change us. To make us more human. To show us how He loves us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. marble cake
3. curly bows
4. surprises
5. love

Things

There was a huge estate auction in our little town this past weekend. The hubs and I decided to go check it out. You just never know what you will find.

I was a little disappointed because I just didn't see anything that spoke to me. Not that I was looking for anything in particular, but just looking. I was standing in the middle of the warehouse filled wall to wall with "stuff" and I got a little sad. I wondered who cherished these belongings at one time. Why did they come to auction? Did the owner get sick, pass away, have a difficult ending to their life?

Then I started to think about the legacy they left. Was it all of their "stuff" that was being picked over by strangers, or did they leave a legacy of love and faith to the ones they loved?

I remember going to pick up items from my Dad's house when he passed away a few years ago and when I was leaving the house had about six boxes of "stuff" left. Mainly things my mom had held on to for one reason or another. You wonder why people hang on to certain things. Of course we hold on to things that are useful and necessary, but what about the sentimental things, or the things that were given to us by someone and we only hold on to it because they were a gift?

I am in a season of "throwing" things out. Donating what I can and cleaning house. I don't want to have "stuff" in every corner of my home that is not used.

Most importantly, I want to fill my life with love. I want it to be measured through the way I speak to my family, how I carry out my faith, and how I love others.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. single serve coffee
2. reusable water bottles
3. celebrating my husband
4. droopy plants
5. bows

Let Go (part 3 of 4)

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

Being "in the middle" in not a comfortable place. I have a situation at work where I am in the middle and one person on the other side is not happy. When your gut instinct tells you to do or say something, you need to follow it! Sometimes it will help to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A good night's sleep
2. Excitement
3. Unopened boxes
4. Plants
5. Surprises

Being in love...with yourself!

A new show on the OWN network started and I recorded it. Not sure what to expect, I watched it during lunch yesterday and was really taken back. It's a documentary/reality show following Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York.

It was very interesting, and a little hard to watch. The show chronicles the ups and downs she has been through, most recently her accepting money to give info on her ex-husband, and Dr. Phil and Suze Orman are working with her.

This woman, who was the focus of a royal wedding, in the public eye, two beautiful daughters, Lady Diana's best friend, can't even look in the mirror at herself because she has no sense of self worth. I can identify all too well with the way she feels.

I know within my heart that God loves me exactly as I am and that I should do the same. But so often, that inner, ugly self talk will get you into trouble.

When she was meeting with Suze Orman, Suze said "I am in love with myself!" Now that is amazing. It is a lesson we should all take to heart. We need to be "in love with ourselves." God intended for us to be as we are. I'm not saying we should give up in our quest to be healthy and take care of ourselves, but despite where we are in our journey, we need to give ourselves a little grace, look in the mirror and say "Ta-Da"!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pudding
2. A loud television
3. Crooked pictures
4. Tee ball
5. Running water

When I Grow Up

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

The person who makes the first phone call to let a family that a wish (Make-a-Wish Foundation) will be granted for their child.

I received that call on Friday morning. It was a moment I can hardly put into words.

It started a couple of months ago when the social worker at our Hemophilia Treatment Center had given me a call and asked if I had her permission to refer my little "Christian" to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I was a little stunned because I had always thought of the Make-a-Wish as a foundation that gave wishes to children who were dying and extremely sick. I never think of hemophilia as "life threatening" but in actuality, it is. You just make it part of your life.

When the social worker started talking about why she immediately thought of Christian I started to think about everything he has gone through with his medical condition over the past four years. It's been very hard. My older son never had to deal with hemophilia the same way as his little brother. It's been a rough few years, and thankfully he is doing well.

I agreed to let her refer him, never thinking a wish would be granted, so when I received the call on Friday, I heard this sweet, young woman telling me who she was, why she was calling and that Christian will be receiving a wish. My mouth fell open, and tears were rolling down my face. I couldn't even breathe. The fact that someone, several people, thought of my Christian and our entire family, and "authenticated" our struggle was completely overwhelming.

I could hardly speak to her through my tears.

The next step is for a Make-a-Wish team to come and visit us and get to know Christian to determine the type of wish he wants. (I can guarantee it will have something to do with trains!)

More to come on this amazing blessing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. 800#'s
2. Unexpected, ugly tears
3. Compassion
4. Gluten free pizza (it was really good)!
5. dreams

Let Go (part 2 of 4)

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Making the most of myself.

Talk about hard to do!

Does making the most of myself mean being "supermom" and wife? Taking fantastic care of myself all the time? Spending time in devotion everyday and volunteering at church every spare minute? Not to forget becoming the most I can be in my 9 - 5 job?

That's where I mess up. I feel like I have to do everything well at the same time. Sometimes I just have to do the best I can and know that my heart is in the right place. That my efforts are well intentioned. It goes back to surrendering each day. Every day we get is a day we don’t' deserve. How do we spend it? We never know when our last day will be. When we will go on to meet the Father.

I plan on spending each day I get "making the most" of who I can be. It's not based off how much I do, but the spirit in which I do life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Decluttering
2. My son coming home tomorrow from choir tour!
3. Bottled water
4. Stacks of board games
5. Hard wood floors

Beloved

Honey, Sweetheart, Baby, Sugar...do you have a pet name for your spouse/partner/loved one?

I tend to call my sons "Chicky" and my husband too. It's just a little pet name showing them I love them. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be, it just did.

When I read Francine River's book, Redeeming Love (a must read), I was struck by how she set off the words God spoke to the characters. The Father would call them "Beloved."

Beloved.

A person who is dearly loved. This is a term of affection that was used in both the Old and New Testaments. It has a depth that seems to be absent in our society. I just love this word.

My husband is my "Beloved". I love him with every ounce of my being. He is beyond what a best friend could ever be to me (I jokingly call him my "Bestie") :)

I don't know if he knows how deeply I love him.

The amazing thing is, that despite how much we love our spouse/partner/loved ones, and how much they love us in return, God loves us more.

He loves us despite our flaws. I don't think we can even image the depth of His love for us. I think when we meet the Father face to face we will actually understand the amazing love that has been given to us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Phone calls from my son (while on choir tour)
2. Ministry in action
3. My Sheltie sleeping where the air vent hits her
4. Netflix
5. Cucumber scented candles

Blessings

What is a blessing?

The words of faith and hope a pastor speaks over a person?

A prayer?

A wonderful happening in your life?

Family and friends?

Something beautiful and more than words can describe?

Sometimes blessings are not wrapped up with a pretty bow. The biggest "blessing" in my life is actually wrapped in plain paper with a worn bow.


It's actually pretty ugly when you get down to it.

Hemophilia.

I believe that people afflicted with a bleeding disorder, or any chronic condition are pretty amazing. They are resilient and stronger than many.

The beauty of the blessing of hemophilia is in the actual "unwrapping" of the present. It's about the journey. The people whose paths you would have never crossed. The places to travel to learn. The confidence in sharing with another mom. And the strength it has brought to my marriage.

I am making the most I can of this blessing everyday with every breath I take. I thank God for blessing me with my boys and their condition. It has made me stronger than I ever dreamed I could be.

What's your biggest blessing?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of rain
2. Impromptu menu changes
3. Family decisions
4. Extension cords
5. New tablecloths

It's Cool When You Step Out in Faith

I've talked often about stepping out in faith. Meaning, following God's tug on your heart. Going where He is leading you and taking a chance when it logistically makes no sense.

I started writing a few years ago after we moved to New Mexico because, honestly, I was a little lonely and I had a lot to get out of my head. Blogging has turned out to be very cathartic for me in a way I never dreamed.

God put another idea in my head. He encouraged me to seek out a different avenue for my writing, so I wrote a proposal to our two local papers and one called me back! They are going to publish my writing once a month! Today was my first article.


When I considered doing this I figured the worst that would happen would be that no one would call. What harm is there in that? After I submitted my proposals, I wondered why I did that. What are they going to think of my writing? I don't have a background in literature or writing, I have a Music Education Degree! There are way more qualified people out there!

But I listened and am amazed.

Have you listened to the still, quiet nudge on your heart? Don’t ignore it.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of newspaper
2. Projects going well
3. Empty boxes
4. The whir of the swamp cooler
5. Joe coming home tomorrow!

Moving

I was up pretty early today for work, finished what I needed to do, and considered lying back down. But I decided to go to yoga class instead.

It was one of the best decisions I've made in quite a while.

I have to get moving. I'm tired of feeling tired and having my back tight. I also need to be a better example to my children. Already I am "feeling" my muscles from my movement this morning.

I like yoga because not only are you focusing on your body, but you work to quiet your mind as well. I find myself trying to tune out the world and when I am successful that little voice comes back in trying to make me feel guilty for taking an hour of time for myself.

Why do we do that to ourselves? If we do not take time to care for ourselves we are not good to the ones who need us. I've mentioned this scripture before and in Psalm 46:10 it reads "Be still and know that I am God." I believe that I know who God is, but it's the "being still" part that gets me every time. When I do slow down enough to veg on the sofa, I start to think about other things that need to be done and get up and start doing.

I remember hearing Maria Shiver talk about her family and how when she was a kid nobody "sat around." Everyone was outside playing games, and busy all of the time. Expectations were very high in the Kennedy home and inactivity was not accepted.

I think activity is great. It helps you find purpose, but constantly running around and not resting is not a good thing.


Sometimes we rest quite a bit, maybe even become a bit lazy, but do we rest in the stillness of God? That is something I need to work on everyday. Resting in the love of Christ. Accepting and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am enough just as I am right now.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my new Ninja!
2. a decent pen
3. Postal Express
4. the hum of a flourescent lamp
5. hats

Receiving

I remember when I was pregnant with my now five year old. It was a difficult pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. Not only was my husband having to care for our then 10 year old son, but also our cousin who was in high school. It was a very difficult time.

Our church had a ministry that cooked meals for those in need. When the woman who headed up the ministry asked my husband what days he preferred meals to be delivered, he refused. He told her we were too far away and that he would take care of everything. In turn, she said, "When I am standing before God and He asks me why I didn't follow through with my ministry, I am going to have to tell him that Joe MacDonald would not let me." Needless to say, Joe agreed to deliveries of meals for several weeks. They helped us out so much. It was a huge blessing.

I have a really hard time receiving gifts. Sounds crazy, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautifully wrapped present for my birthday, Mother's Day, and at Christmas, but when someone does something out of the blue for me, I have a hard time with it.

Tonight I received a gift that meant a lot.

A church member, who is a massage therapist, has wanted to "work on me" for several months. We finally found a time and last night I went for a soak and massage "on her." It was absolutely fantastic (and so needed)! It's not that she offered her services to me gratis, but the fact that she reached out to me. She is what I call an "oozer." She has a light that radiates from her. I describe her as an "Earth Mama" with a spirit open to the universe around her. She is way cool.

When she was working on me, I felt an energy from her. I know it was love. She gave of her time and talent freely to a person who was in need of a little spiritual renewal. I believe God tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear to give of herself.

I am so glad she listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great steak
2. smells of peppermint
3. mismatched tennis shoes
4. Fabuloso
5. magazines

Let Go (part 1 of 4)

Someone recently gave me a handout with some great words on "letting go". It is almost too much to take in at once, so I am going to unpack it over a few weeks.

Here's the first part:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
-Author Unknown

This is some powerful stuff.

Letting go is not something I do well. I am becoming more aware each day as my oldest child is about to turn 15 that he will be out of the house very soon. I am going to have to let him go.

I signed my 5 year old up for tee ball yesterday. He is growing up and I am having to let him be a boy and take risks despite his hemophilia. I am having to let him go.

All I can do is model what I think the best way to live your life is to my children and hope that they pick up a few good things and not the bad. I have to let go of what control I "think" I have.

I must admit that each day is a gift and that God has a plan. The outcome of every thing that I do is not completely in my hands. I try my hardest to surrender each day as I wake up to the Creator and thank Him for another day. ..that His will be done regardless of what I "want."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spontaneous "girls" lunch
2. Hats
3. Business cards
4. Impromptu visits
5. A fresh opportunity

The Way He Loves

During our recent hospital stay, I pulled my "Christian" around the hospital in a red wagon so we could try to keep the "cabin fever" away. As we were passing the big reception desk, a flyer taped to the desk caught my attention..."PCOS Seminar."

Most people would say I should not have seen that flyer. It was lying flat and not posted on a wall. I wasn't standing "at" the desk, so why did I see it? I'll tell you why, because God ordained it! He wanted me at that seminar!

PCOS is a "syndrome" that affects many women. It deals with insulin resistance in the body and I have lived with it for about 14 years (read more about PCOS here).

The physician presenting, from Colorado Springs, has begun a twelve session series regarding PCOS and is working to bring the "Advanced PCOS Institute" to the University of New Mexico. It sounds like an amazing program that manages this chronic condition.

I asked a question during the presentation and the doctor told me that the infertility clinic at UNM would work with me to start the process of this program and not have to "wait" for the program to come to UNM! (The crazy part is that I have an appointment with a specialist next week...the wrong kind).

God knows everything about us. The things that make us happy and sad, our fears, our deepest desires, and the shame so many of us carry around and buy into.

Every day I have to fight against the lies that the enemy plants in my head. Tonight, God let me in on a little something..there are women out there struggling with the exact same things I struggle with. We are not alone.

We are surrounded by others who have the same beliefs and struggles and we need to be there for each other. We need to learn to "struggle well."

And the coolest thing of all, God made himself known to me clearly tonight. He literally brought me to a place of acceptance. A place where I did not feel alone while in a room of strangers. It was a reminder that He never leaves me and loves me with a love I can't begin to comprehend.

Just the way He loves you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an organized binder
2. Avery labels
3. red flowers
4. wind chimes
5. I-25

My New Blog

Hemophilia has been in my life for almost 15 years.

I can honestly say that, other than my faith, the only reason I have gotten through some of the more difficult times with hemophilia is because of the moms and dads who have shared their lives and experiences with the same condition. Their words of wisdom and friendships have carried me through times when I did not think I could go on another step.

I have also had the great honor of being that mom who has helped others get through the difficult diagnosis of hemophilia. The times I have talked to those moms have been some of the favorite moments in my life.

There is so much to say as I am traveling through life raising two boys with hemophilia. My five year old has brought aspects of hemophilia to my life that I never dreamed I would encounter.

These experiences are dwelling in me and I just need to get them out (and hopefully start some discussion to let others know they are not alone).

Come and join me as I dedicate my new blog "2 Brothers with Hemophilia" to the journey of living with a chronic bleeding disorder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Blogger
2. Mary of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Designs
3. dusk
4. peanut butter sandwiches
5. homemade Italian dressing