Receiving

I remember when I was pregnant with my now five year old. It was a difficult pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. Not only was my husband having to care for our then 10 year old son, but also our cousin who was in high school. It was a very difficult time.

Our church had a ministry that cooked meals for those in need. When the woman who headed up the ministry asked my husband what days he preferred meals to be delivered, he refused. He told her we were too far away and that he would take care of everything. In turn, she said, "When I am standing before God and He asks me why I didn't follow through with my ministry, I am going to have to tell him that Joe MacDonald would not let me." Needless to say, Joe agreed to deliveries of meals for several weeks. They helped us out so much. It was a huge blessing.

I have a really hard time receiving gifts. Sounds crazy, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautifully wrapped present for my birthday, Mother's Day, and at Christmas, but when someone does something out of the blue for me, I have a hard time with it.

Tonight I received a gift that meant a lot.

A church member, who is a massage therapist, has wanted to "work on me" for several months. We finally found a time and last night I went for a soak and massage "on her." It was absolutely fantastic (and so needed)! It's not that she offered her services to me gratis, but the fact that she reached out to me. She is what I call an "oozer." She has a light that radiates from her. I describe her as an "Earth Mama" with a spirit open to the universe around her. She is way cool.

When she was working on me, I felt an energy from her. I know it was love. She gave of her time and talent freely to a person who was in need of a little spiritual renewal. I believe God tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear to give of herself.

I am so glad she listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great steak
2. smells of peppermint
3. mismatched tennis shoes
4. Fabuloso
5. magazines

Let Go (part 1 of 4)

Someone recently gave me a handout with some great words on "letting go". It is almost too much to take in at once, so I am going to unpack it over a few weeks.

Here's the first part:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
-Author Unknown

This is some powerful stuff.

Letting go is not something I do well. I am becoming more aware each day as my oldest child is about to turn 15 that he will be out of the house very soon. I am going to have to let him go.

I signed my 5 year old up for tee ball yesterday. He is growing up and I am having to let him be a boy and take risks despite his hemophilia. I am having to let him go.

All I can do is model what I think the best way to live your life is to my children and hope that they pick up a few good things and not the bad. I have to let go of what control I "think" I have.

I must admit that each day is a gift and that God has a plan. The outcome of every thing that I do is not completely in my hands. I try my hardest to surrender each day as I wake up to the Creator and thank Him for another day. ..that His will be done regardless of what I "want."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spontaneous "girls" lunch
2. Hats
3. Business cards
4. Impromptu visits
5. A fresh opportunity

The Way He Loves

During our recent hospital stay, I pulled my "Christian" around the hospital in a red wagon so we could try to keep the "cabin fever" away. As we were passing the big reception desk, a flyer taped to the desk caught my attention..."PCOS Seminar."

Most people would say I should not have seen that flyer. It was lying flat and not posted on a wall. I wasn't standing "at" the desk, so why did I see it? I'll tell you why, because God ordained it! He wanted me at that seminar!

PCOS is a "syndrome" that affects many women. It deals with insulin resistance in the body and I have lived with it for about 14 years (read more about PCOS here).

The physician presenting, from Colorado Springs, has begun a twelve session series regarding PCOS and is working to bring the "Advanced PCOS Institute" to the University of New Mexico. It sounds like an amazing program that manages this chronic condition.

I asked a question during the presentation and the doctor told me that the infertility clinic at UNM would work with me to start the process of this program and not have to "wait" for the program to come to UNM! (The crazy part is that I have an appointment with a specialist next week...the wrong kind).

God knows everything about us. The things that make us happy and sad, our fears, our deepest desires, and the shame so many of us carry around and buy into.

Every day I have to fight against the lies that the enemy plants in my head. Tonight, God let me in on a little something..there are women out there struggling with the exact same things I struggle with. We are not alone.

We are surrounded by others who have the same beliefs and struggles and we need to be there for each other. We need to learn to "struggle well."

And the coolest thing of all, God made himself known to me clearly tonight. He literally brought me to a place of acceptance. A place where I did not feel alone while in a room of strangers. It was a reminder that He never leaves me and loves me with a love I can't begin to comprehend.

Just the way He loves you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an organized binder
2. Avery labels
3. red flowers
4. wind chimes
5. I-25

My New Blog

Hemophilia has been in my life for almost 15 years.

I can honestly say that, other than my faith, the only reason I have gotten through some of the more difficult times with hemophilia is because of the moms and dads who have shared their lives and experiences with the same condition. Their words of wisdom and friendships have carried me through times when I did not think I could go on another step.

I have also had the great honor of being that mom who has helped others get through the difficult diagnosis of hemophilia. The times I have talked to those moms have been some of the favorite moments in my life.

There is so much to say as I am traveling through life raising two boys with hemophilia. My five year old has brought aspects of hemophilia to my life that I never dreamed I would encounter.

These experiences are dwelling in me and I just need to get them out (and hopefully start some discussion to let others know they are not alone).

Come and join me as I dedicate my new blog "2 Brothers with Hemophilia" to the journey of living with a chronic bleeding disorder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Blogger
2. Mary of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Designs
3. dusk
4. peanut butter sandwiches
5. homemade Italian dressing

Love Yourself Properly

My dear friend, Beth, passed this along to me. I wanted to share it with you.

Love Ourselves Properly
Thomas Mertonn

"We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give others."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Beth
2. New confidants
3. the journey
4. an unexpected "soak" at the springs
5. the sound of running water

Precious in His Sight

When I lived in Houston, I had several opportunities to hear Beth Moore teach at Houston's First Baptist Church (my home away from home as a musician and young college student). I had always heard of her but didn't really know who she was until I was in my early 30's. I went to one of her Tuesday night Bible studies and was absolutely blown away.

The person leading worship that night was Dennis Jernigan. I had no idea who he was at the time. He is an amazing musician and phenomenal worship leader. There was one song that touched me deeply. Profoundly. Before he sang the song, he told everyone in the sanctuary (a couple of thousand women) to close their eyes and imagine his voice was that of the Father's. These were the Father's words given to each and every one of us.

I've looked everywhere online and cannot find a recording to link up. If you are able to find the music/recording, you will be blessed.

When I try and hide and think no one is watching me, or listening to me, I am wrong. God is with me always.

When I think of myself as less than, ugly, worthless, etc. God thinks of me as the most beautiful creature on earth. The jewel in His crown.

He wants nothing more than a relationship with each of us.

Read these lyrics as if God the Father, Creator of the Universe, wrote them especially for you.

Precious Bride, Dennis Jernigan

Will you let me lead you
Take you to my side
If you saw how I see you
You would see the most beautiful, pure and holy bride

Did you know I know you
Even all you hide
Oh how I long to show you
Just how clean my blood redeemed and left you purified

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you let me love you

Will you let me fill you
With abundant life
Will you be a vessel
Giving freely from all you received glory and light

Woman will you love me
Embracing all I am
To me you are so lovely
Get to know me walk with me
Forever hand in hand

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you, let me love you

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A funky, new laptop bag
2. A three hole punch
3. My husband returning home safely
4. Late nights
5. Colleagues who give of themselves completely

What Goes Around Comes Around?

The national team I work on cares for people with bleeding disorders. Honestly, it is a business that involves big money. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have seen in the industry. Bottom line...ethics are not important for those looking to make money. The problem is, they see the money, not the patient. That is why our team is so successful...we have integrity. We have always done the right thing for the right reason and never forgotten that the patient is the reason we do what we do.

Several years ago I told one of my colleagues, after we lost quite a few patients due to an unethical competitor, that we just needed to keep on doing what we were doing because in the end, we would be rewarded. The patients would want us to take care of them because we truly cared for them. It just might take awhile.

It has proven to be true.

A good friend of mine is struggling. A close friendship of his has been shattered. Many ugly truths came to light and it was just not a good situation. He is stunned, saddened and even angry. Sometimes it's just hard to accept that some things are not as they appear to be.

Some call it having "karma." I think we toss the word karma around and simply think that if we do the right thing, the right things will happen to us.

The truth is,

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." Galatians 6:7-10 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sleeping in my own bed
2. A day of no fast food
3. A Monday full of work to look forward to
4. Styrofoam cups
5. Hospital bracelets

Passing the Time

I brought my little "Christian" into the hospital around 11:30 pm on Wednesday to Albuquerque (2 hours from home). He was in tons of pain with an ankle bleed that was not getting better despite our constant infusions. About 45 minutes into the drive I regretted not taking the ambulance. He was screaming in pain. Fortunately he finally fell asleep. Hearing his pain is the absolute worst.

We are still here and he is getting better slowly but surely.

I had really hoped we would be home today, but the best thing for him is to be here and heal.

My husband ran rehearsals, Thursday and Friday evenings and has a concert tonight and preaches Sunday morning….I'm on my own. But he just called and is sneaking away for a few hours before his concert to come see us! (After hours of Disney Junior and deep, stimulating conversation with a five year old, I am pretty excited that he is coming for a bit :)


Sitting and waiting can be a nice thing. You can read, surf the internet, nap, etc. but it can also be a dangerous thing.

My mind can be a dangerous neighborhood when I am there alone, you know what I mean?

Doubt creeps in about everything; I wonder if I am a good enough mother and wife, I start to beat myself up about my weight, do I portray the appropriate image and do all I need to do as the wife of a pastor, and I wonder if I had done things differently on any given day, would my little one have been able to avoid a bleed.

Talk about going crazy! The devil knows the best ways to creep into a believer's heart. He finds the areas of our lives where we are not completely happy. The areas of our lives that we strugle in and he has a field day.

Personally, I am not strong all the time. I am not an "oozer" 24/7, but I strive to be. It's those moments when I don't put Christ first in my heart, soul and mind that the devil takes root. At least I know when it's happening. So many people don't see it.

Maybe you can help someone open their eyes to the untruths that are in their heart.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The Child Life Playroom
2. crunchy, hospital bacon
3. Disney Junior
"4. Fresh fruit
5. Red wagons

Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)


Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

What I Don't Understand

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

What is on that old VHS?

My husband is on a mission to covert our old VHS tapes to DVD's. He's talked about it for years and has finally started the process. His collection is mainly of old skating videos (he has kept up with all the major figure skating events since 1984...it's his "football").

He told me that my Senior Oboe Recital was on tape and I didn't remember having it recorded!

We played it last night and it was absolutely bizarre.

I saw people I haven't thought about in years, but I remembered every bit of the music. It was a great recital because it wasn't only "oboe and piano", but also "English horn, trumpet, piano," "oboe duet", and "soprano, tenor and oboe."

I saw myself at 22, about to graduate college. I wanted to scream at her and tell a few things! Not that I regret my journey, but sometimes I look back on my life and wish there were a few things I had known.

The other wonderful thing about this "lost DVD" was seeing my friends and family.

My accompanist and roommate, Jennifer K. who just "sat" at the piano and made it sing.

My friend Pam D. who had a soprano voice that could not compare with many (I can only imagine how amazing she sounds today).

Tasha M. who played her trumpet like nobody's business, and always had a twinkle in her eye.

Wake F. my former oboe teacher who recently passed away. He was brilliant.

My darling husband (boyfriend of 2 years) with a "dark" head of hair, sounding brilliant when he sang the Vaughn Williams.

My Dad, vibrant, healthy and proud. With his arm around me.

And my sweet Mom.

What a wonderful evening to remember. I'm so glad we ran across that tape.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Old tapes
2. Rickety county fair roller coasters
3. "Elvis" quoting scripture (another blog post to come)
4. A roasted chicken, not from Walmart
5. Late lunches

Missing Mom

When Mother's Day comes around, and you have no mother to hug, it's sad. You feel alone.

I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law and my mother's best friend as my "pseudo moms," but it is not the same.

My mother died five weeks after my first son was born. It has been almost 15 years ago and I still can remember the touch of her hand. The expression on her face when she saw my son for the first time, the times she would bring me a drink and snack before the spelling bee in elementary school (she was a teacher's aide at my school). The times she would laugh so hard that she didn't make a sound! We always managed to start laughing at very inappropriate times :)

I missed out on having my mother with me while raising my children. What was supposed to be a joyous, sleep deprived time for me, became a time of pain. When the diagnosis of hemophilia came on top of everything else, I really was not able to deal with my grief over my mom and for that matter my son for many years.

As I look back to that time nearly 15 years ago, I see that I am not even close to being the same person I was then.

I am so thankful God intervened and worked on me.

It's taken many years to say goodbye to my Mom, but I've realized that you can never truly say goodbye. My Mom is always with me. In my heart, in the way I love my children, in the things I say and do. I still hear her voice and can feel her warmth.

Lydia Cano Campos was my mother and I adored her and miss her terribly. I would give anything to put my arms around her again.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Old frying pans
2. Recipes passed down
3. An old tea pitcher
4. Chocolate milk
5. Oscar de la Renta perfume

Wondrous Love

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders