Wednesday, May 11, 2011

What I Don't Understand

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

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