A Reminder

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."  Psalm 40:1-3

God never loses sight of you.

Over the past few weeks, my life has been upside down.  Depression is a horrible thing.  It takes you to places that no one should go. 

Between my depression and "Christian's" recent hospital stay it has been an extremely difficult time.

I finally feel as if my head has begun to clear and I truly remembered that I have not been alone.  God has kept me in the palm of His hand throughout this rough patch.  I know, a pastor's wife should know this, but when you struggle, the enemy can advantage and plant doubt in you before you have a chance to realize what has happened.

As I was making dinner last night (one of the first productive things I've done in some time) I lit a candle in the kitchen.  Every time I see a flame I think of Christ's light.  Candles have always reminded me that Christ was with me.  Always. 

Sometimes we have to go to dark places to find the light again.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Candy corn

2.  Fresh apple pie

3.  Dirty clothes

4.  cold toes
5.  candle

Out of the Blue

Sometimes something comes to you out of the blue...right when you need it.  A phone call from an old friend, finding an old photo that brings back a wonderful memory, or getting a card in the mail from someone who took the time to think about you.  Last week, that "out of the blue" moment came to me at work.  I won a contest for submitting the best idea to our team (and received a cash prize to boot)!  It is my answer to being able to attend a speaker's conference in January :)

 

Honestly, things have been pretty rough lately.  The crazy thing is that there is not one thing in  my life going wrong.  Not one!  Actually, things are the best they have been in years!  But when you suffer from clinical depression it doesn't matter.  Everything can be as perfect as perfect can be, but when that shroud of depression hovers over you, it's a big fight to keep moving.  Over the years I have gotten much better at fighting my depression.  Used to be I would give in completely to it, but now I know the signs, can feel it coming on, and talk openly about it with my husband.  It just makes for really difficult days.

 

That surprise just helped me fight my way out of a really bad place.  You just never know what will matter.  Yes, a surprise and cash prize will make just about anyone happy, but how that surprise changed me meant more than any amount of money every could.  I had no idea when I submitted that idea that I would win...I'm just glad I listened and followed through.

 

You never know what is going to change a person's day.  Your smile, taking time for a phone call, including a person in your lunch group...you just have to listen to that voice within you.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  surprises
2.  a new face cream
3.  Sunday afternoon's
4.  homemade tortillas
5.  just right Spanish rice :)

You Just Want to Shake Them

Moving on after the death of someone close to you is very difficult. If you have a spouse, children, close friendships, you can manage. But when your life is tied up into one person and they are suddenly taken away...what do you do? How do you help them move forward?

 Life is a gift. There are so many things to look forward to:
vacations
 the first day of Spring
 a perfectly cooked steak
 the smile of a child
 new beginnings.

 Some people are not strong enough to start over and your first inclination is to want to shake them into understanding! "Don't you see you are being selfish? Don't you see how many people are depending on you? Don't you see that God is not done with you yet?"

We help those in need by praying to God for the words we need to speak. We need to step back, try and step in their shoes and think about their situation. How would we handle being completely alone? How do we help them find the strength they have within themselves?

My prayer for those who are hurting is that God touches their hearts in a way they have never felt. That God stirs in their souls the need to be present in their lives in a way that is worthy of Him.

And that those of us being turned to for help ooze with compassion.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1. aunts
2. diced pears
3. a clear day
4. catching a bleed early
5. newspapers

Little Hearts Know

Saturday started out as a really nice day. We slept in late, went to our favorite little Mexican restaurant for breakfast, shopped for our Thanksgiving feast and walked through the local craft show at the fair barn. We were enjoying being home.

After we returned home, I felt that "dip" when my depression wants to begin. I made myself keep "doing" and not give in to lying down and sleeping. That is dangerous for me. Around 2 o'clock, I was headed back to my room, everyone was doing something, and I just wanted to sneak away. All of a sudden my little "Christian" tugs at my shirt and says "Mommy, let's make some cookies." So we put on
our aprons and made cookies. He was precious! We had a great time.

I hung on until around dinner time and finally gave in. I took a shower early and went back to my room. But who was right on my heels? Christian. He would not leave me alone. He stayed in my room with me all evening. He brought in his toys to play, we snuggled and watched a movie. He was exceptionally loving towards me. It was a huge comfort.

You don't have to tell your children everything about how you are feeling. If things are not right, they know, they feel it.

I am so blessed to have two, amazing sons. They are compassionate, caring boys. Their hearts are amazing. God has entrusted these two souls to me and my husband to raise and love with all of our hearts. How could I ask for anything more? How can I let my depression rob me of the moments I have with my family?

I just have to rejoice through my depression. Pray through my depression and in all circumstances give thanks to God so that His will is done in my life.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Band rehearsal
2. Quiet time
3. A long, awaited doctor's appointment
4. Fun jewelry
5. My mother-in-law's continued recovery from surgery

Nudges

The past two weeks have been pretty difficult. My depression has been rearing its ugly head, and it tends to do that during the Thanksgiving season. It's one of my most favorite times of year, but also one of the hardest.

On a recent Friday evening, I was not doing very well. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. I told my husband how I was feeling and we piled into the car and went to Las Cruces (an hour away) to do a little shopping. I needed to get some makeup so we stopped by the day spa that carries the brand I use. Again, I was feeling beyond lousy and putting one foot in front of the other was a feat in itself. The young lady working the counter told me they were out of what I needed. She asked me to give her five minutes to try something new. I looked like a completely different person! Something as small and insignificant as the shade of my makeup changed me completely! Yes, she was doing her job, but she really did not have to go out of her way to try something new on me. She could have said they were out and to come back in a few days, but she didn't. I appreciated her going the extra mile.

I kept thinking about her act of kindness. She had no idea how deeply she touched me and that she helped me find my way out of a very, dark day.

I wrote a letter to the manager and simply told her that this lovely, young woman went out of her way to help me and it made me feel better. That young lady left me a message later in the week, filled with gratitude that I went out of my way to thank her, and she even got an early bonus :) She left me a beautiful message, wishing God's blessings on me and my family.

I was so excited that I felt God's nudge on my heart that day, even through a serious bout of depression, and responded. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear. It was huge. Yes, the Holy Spirit was made known to me through a simple change in makeup, but nonetheless was real and alive.

Have you felt that nudge on your heart? Has God been impressing on you to reach out to someone by speaking a word of kindness, send card, or simply be present?

Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when you may be on the other end of what He is planning.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Suitcase surprises
2. New jeans
3. Clean laundry
4. New, fuzzy socks
5. My mother-in-law coming through surgery

Feeling Cold

No, it's not cool where I live, quite the opposite. Living in the desert with a swamp cooler during monsoon season is not enjoyable. I am pretty tired of the heat and our family is going to Florida on vacation in 12 days! I am ready for winter. I want to wear fleece and sweatpants and my fuzzy boots. It's a nice thought, but quite a ways off.

My spiritual life is what I call "cold" right now. It's kinda freakin' me out. My "Christian" has been in the hospital and I did not spend time in prayer throughout even as difficult a time as it was. Work is going very well, I am writing a monthly column for the local paper and writing some freelance pieces (and getting paid for them), we are going on a trip to Disneyworld in 12 days as part of the Make-a-Wish program….I have a lot going for me and my family, yet I have a coldness where my faith and spiritual life is concerned.

Usually someone will go about their life, all is well, and they forget to give thanks to the Creator...until something bad happens. Then all of a sudden they are on their knees pleading with the Creator to help them. I don't know why I am in this place. I know one thing for sure is that I don't like it. I know that I am in a place that can become dark and lonely.

I need to find my way back to the presence of God.

On Facebook this evening, one of my friends wrote, "I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for."

Jesus revels in our presence as much as we do His. Each and every one of us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. finished projects
2. our new dog, Betty
3. fans
4. cold showers
5. padded envelopes

Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)


Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

Wondrous Love

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders

Better Days

My days have been better (I thank you for your kind comments and prayers.)

I have made an "A" in my first online class for my Master's degree, a very special high school friend reached out to me, I had a productive week at work, went to my first Zumba class and loved it, and spent time with friends last night.

Doing the next right thing is paying off. That is one of the ways I battle my depression. I move slowly but surely by doing what is next on the list. Sometimes it's as basic as getting out of bed and getting dressed and then it moves to bigger things like actually thinking about what tomorrow may bring.

There is a verse that keeps surfacing for me. It's times like this that I am so glad that I have committed some verses to memory. They appear in my heart when I need them the most.

I shared this verse from 2 Corinthians earlier this week. Here is the version from "The Message."

My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. 2 Corinthians 12:9

When I really look at my struggles with depression I know this verse is true.

Christ's strength appears during my depression. It's not my power that pulls me out of my depression it's Christ! I am never alone. When I am talking to myself, I am actually talking with God. When I am debating on whether or not to get out of bed, I am conversing with God and He is there encouraging me to do the next, right thing. His power is evident when I am feeling my worst.

God never leaves us.

Despite the mess we may get ourselves into, despite the ugly things we may say and do to others (and to ourselves), despite the lowest moments in our lives...God never leaves us.

He loves us just the way we are and He loves us like no one else ever will.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. cold floors
2. trips to the airport
3. call forwarding
4. a credit on a bill
5. the smell of firewood burning in the neighborhood

"Thinking" to Walk

I've not been around for a bit.

No desire.

No energy.

No spirit.

No words to share.

It's as if life has been sucked out of me.

Nothing in particular set it off...sometimes it just happens.

Depression has just reared its ugly head.

Over the past few days I have literally had to "think" to walk. I know that is hard to understand if you don't suffer from depression, but often the simplest of things become huge challenges.

"Get up Cazandra!"
"Walk to the bathroom!"
"Brush your teeth."
"Comb your hair."

I wish I was exaggerating, but that is what I have had to do for several days.

I did have a recent victory...I went to church Sunday morning.

I know, I am a pastor's wife, why shouldn't I be in church? The absolute last thing I wanted to do was put a smile on my face and be present that morning. How could I possible have anything to give when I could hardly function?

It was truly by the grace of God that I was in church.

I hugged the neck of a woman who just lost her husband...no words were exchanged, but I was there for her. Another woman just received word that her daughter was dying, thousands of miles away. Another hug needed and given.

God used me despite how I was feeling. He used the part of me that I was able to give. I had no idea that I would show up as a minister that morning, but the amazing part is that those two grieving women ministered to me in a very profound way. I felt God's presence through them and their grief.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. fleece jackets
2. Sugar free cookies
3. Positive test results
4. Curly hair
5. Windy days

Meltdown

Yesterday was not pretty.

My Christian had an ankle bleed Wednesday night, so he wasn't walking and I had to stay home to work on Thursday. I had to get both of us ready to travel to Albuquerque for his treatments Thursday evening and Friday.

My Lance is struggling in math.

My husband is stressed with school and being a pastor, so I have to bring balance to our lives.

Work is driving me crazy (too many projects and a presentation coming up). And I just could not focus.

I was in tears.

Everything seemed to be coming down all at once and I could not breathe.

We did make it to Albuquerqe. Treatment is going well.

I did raise the white flag and took off a couple of days at work.

My husband and Lance are coming up for the weekend since we have to stay for an MRI on Monday, so we can all go play!

I am breathing again.

The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Why is it that we begin to doubt ourselves? Why do we let the worries of the world take over?

It's okay to have concerns, but worries...no.

What concerns do you have that take over your life?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. plums
2. standing my ground with the doctor
3. peanut butter crackers
4. Cheese Nips
5. familiar faces at the hospital

A Really Bad Few Days

It hits suddenly. The darkness, the coldness, the shroud of depression. If you have never expereienced depression, it is very hard to understand.

"Can't you just snap out of it?"

"Go take a shower and you'll feel better."

"If your faith was stronger, you wouldn't suffer from depression."

I wish it was that easy. I've felt this setback coming, but when it hit it really scared me. I could barely care for my children.

I praise God for my sweet husband. He put me first, without condemnation, and cancelled his weekly trip to school in Denver to be with me. He forced me to do things with him and it was excruciating, but it was a victory.

Walking through the mall was the most painful thing I've done in ages. Step by step I felt as if I was going to just collapse. I put my foot one in front of the other and literally did the next right thing. It is what saved me from going to the absolute bottom of my "pit."

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God, Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."Psalm 40:1-3

Our drive to the mall is about an hour, so during that hour, I slept. It wasn't a regular sleep, but a deep, outside of my body sleep. I didn't know who I was, even in my short dreams.

Today was a day of rest. I slept most of the day but it was different. I was not falling into the pit of depression, but I was recovering from my brief visit there. Every hour I continued to climb my way out.

It takes every ounce of your being to be in the pit. It still amazes me how a person can go there against their will. Depression just sucks you in. You fight, you pray and sometimes you have to visit the pit before you can get back to the surface.

I know I am on the upswing of this bout of depression. I am working with my doctor on my medications, and trying to stay in the moment with my husband and children.

Soon these few days will be nothing but a memory and I will move on to better days, one moment at a time.

Bloggy Break

I've been on a bloggy break for several days. I hadn't planned to be, but life just seemed to really be happening lately.

The last few days have been really rough. I had a situation at work that made me so upset that I have physically been sick. I hate when I get that way. The problem is that when something like that sets me off, Satan finds that opening to get at me with my depression. I see it and feel it happening, but sometimes I can't stop it.

I did have victory today though. I wanted nothing more than to call in at work and stay home in bed all day long. (It's kind of hard to do when your husband is out of town and you have to get the kids off to school :)) So, I did what I was supposed to. After they were off, I went to my desk and spent time in bible study with the Lord. I felt like a different person when I was finished. He gave me a verse today.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

As I was reading that verse and let it sink into me, I looked up and saw a book I haven't looked at in quite some time. Praying God's Word, by Beth Moore. It is a fantastic book where she takes scripture on several different strongholds in our lives and personalizes the scripture. She puts Romans 13:15 like this:

"Lord, You are the God of hope. Fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in You, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Wow! That's powerful stuff. So often I read scripture, I can even recite a few verses, but I don't know that I feel what it means to me. Part of my problem is that I have not been been setting aside my quiet time everday. This happens to me a lot. Things are basically running on auto pilot and I tend to forget that Jesus wants to hear from me everyday even with the mundane things that happen. It's not all about having a crisis, it's about having a relationship.

I pray that you have a relationship with Him. Don't neglect it, nurture it.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Doing the next right thing
2. working for a great boss
3. Celebration Ministries
4. my Cricut
5. pumpkins

Sinking....

This week started with a very successful business trip to Chicago. It was all good. Good travel, not being rushed, good business, good connections, etc. Then Wednesday came and I had no energy. Quick trips can really take alot out of you, especially when you are not accustomed to traveling every week like many of my colleagues.

I have been sinking. Sinking into my pit. I want to do nothing but curl up and sleep. I haven't been very productive with my work or my duties at home. My hubby is off to Denver as of this morning and back tomorrow, so it is all up to me to take care of the kids. My desire to be a mom is even just about gone.

Just when I think my depression is cured, Satan gets a hold of me. I think clinical depression is like an addiction in some respects. You can control it by various methods, but it is never completely gone.

I pray for healing in my soul. For Satan to get his claws out of me. For the light of Christ to shine in me stronger than ever.

Being Afraid of "The Pit"

Over the past couple of months, my depression has been rearing its ugly head. The blessing of it all is that I feel it happening. It's like I can step out of my body and see physically and emotionally what is happening to my body and mind. I had a planned trip to Houston and extended my stay so that I could see my psychiatrist and therapist.

It was time well spent. My anxiety levels were so high so for long that I felt as if my heart would come out of my body. If you have never experienced anxiety and think people "make it up," it is indeed, very real. It's almost as if you feel like a heart attack is coming on.

After a wonderful session with my therapist, the anxiety subsided. I then saw my psychiatrist and he proceeded to start some changes in my medications. It has been long overdue.

Depression is real. I have seen it coming this time, and have been scared to death to fall down into my pit. The bottom of my deepest, darkest depression is like being in a deep, cold, slimy, stony pit. You can't see daylight, you have nothing to grab onto to get out and it is very cold. I stay cold eventhough it's as if a heavy, cold quilt is covering me.

The crazy thing for me, is that I can still function. I can get the kids off to school and I can work, but my heart and mind and soul are not all there. I had started to see my work slipping, my household obligations slipping and my obligations to being there "completely" to my family slipping. I just am so thankful to God that He helped me see what was happening so that I could get the help I needed.

I didn't sink all the way down into the pit this time, and I am slowly climbing out.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2