What's the Name of Your Horse?

I started riding lessons back in November.  You will find me just about every Saturday riding in the hills behind our church in the arroyos and hills of Rio Rancho with my wonderful teacher, Maggie, and my trusty steed, Kelsey.

It took me years before I followed my passion to ride.  I identify my riding as answering a "calling."  A calling is not just church ministry.  A calling is a strong feeling to follow a job, a career, a vocation.  But it is also an answer to something that will fulfill you.  Maybe it's teaching, volunteering, creating art, designing, or being a mom.  Callings will often change depending on the season of life we are in.  The important thing is to listen and follow the calling that has been put on your heart.

Even though I have loved horses my entire life, I never fully understood the importance of following through and "stepping out of my box" to actually see what riding on a regular basis would be like.  Part of me was afraid that if I tried it that I may not enjoy it and my desire and passion to ride all of these years would have been for nothing.  But what I did do was step out in faith, follow the passion and calling that had been put on my heart so many years ago, and when I did, God delivered and I was not disappointed.  And God led me to this particular time in my life, when I needed to fulfill my passion for riding.

It's not about your age, financial situation, weight or color that determines your calling in life, it's what God is putting on your heart. 

Are you listening?  Have you been afraid to follow through?

What's the name of your horse?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  A clear, New Mexico day

2.  My son returning home safely from his choir trip

3.  receiving a handwritten card in the mail

4.  On-line photo ordering

5.  Making new friends

Jack of All Trades...Master of None?

I had a college friend who graduated with a Music Education degree...he worked hard, student taught, and decided music education was not for him.  Are you kidding me?  You didn't like it and now you have a degree and are looking for a job outside of music?

That bewildered me.  I always knew I would be a band director and thought I would retire as a band director.  Well, God had other things in store for me.  He plopped a job opportunity in my lap back in 2002.  I wasn't looking for it and never dreamed I would change careers.  I mean, I had a degree in Music Education!  How in the world could I go into marketing?  Leaving education was a huge leap of faith, and I don’t regret it one bit.

I truly believe that once you have taught in the public schools, you can do anything :)  Being a band director taught me so much more than just how to teach music.  Accounting, relationships, organizing, planning, public speaking, mediation, creativity...the list goes on.  It was a great springboard into my new career in the healthcare industry and I have been fortunate to work in the industry for the past eleven years.

But there are times I doubt myself.  Yes, there's that doubt again.  In my current role, I am a "go to" person for our national team.  The joke is "if you don’t know what to do, ask Caz!"  I am the longest remaining member of the original team and help with many different things. 

Sometimes I feel as if I am a "Jack of all trades," which is helpful to many, and "a master of none," which is disappointing to me.  The reality is that we all have parts of our jobs that we may not enjoy and have to endure so that we can do the fun things...the things we enjoy the most.  I have the ability to step it up and make things happen...and it's time to move forward.

Here's to the season of the fun stuff :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  A soft, loaf of bread
2.  Getting rid of clutter
3.  The smell of a great candle

4.  Cold snaps after "Spring" has started

5.  Homemade cookies

 

 

His Best

I am having a hard time believing this nugget of inspiration right now.

I know that everything in our lives happens for a purpose. A purpose that may be easy to see during the event but often times it takes quite some time to understand the reasons why we go through certain trials and tribulations.

In this case the "No" we were given was regarding "Christian's" treatment for his inhibitor (complication as a result of his hemophilia). Two different drugs were administered and both caused significant reactions in my sweet boy. We had been waiting for over six years for this treatment to start with the hopes of eradicating the inhibitor, and it looks like this will not be the path for treatment.

How can I possibly think that God's best did not happen for my sweet Christian? Doesn't the Creator of the Universe, the One who I put all my trust in, The Most High want my son to move forward the best way possible with his bleeding disorder?

I am not asking for God to "take the hemophilia away", I am just asking for it to be a little easier in treating my son's extremely painful, limiting bleeds. It is devastating to see him in pain.

I believe that I am a woman of faith...but even women of faith shake sometimes. I don't like the feeling of defeat that I am feeling right now. I know that I have done everything I physically can for my son and would give my life for him, and I pray that the next chapter of battling this bleeding disorder will bring relief for my son.

Thank you, Father. I know that the best is yet to come.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. late night flights
2. washer/dryers in hotels
3. hospital food
4. thinking ahead
5. ninjas

Hope for the Season

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13 (NIV)

The holiday season has barely started and I am already getting stressed out!  I guess spending four days in the hospital last week with my little one did not help me get a jump start on getting into the spirit :)

The laundry has taken over, Thanksgiving decorations are still up, my little one's room is a disaster and I have company coming on Friday night and Saturday afternoon! 

This season is not for stressing out and being the ultimate hostess...it's about hope. 

 

Hope that came in the form of a baby that changed the world.

Hope that we never know what is going to come and that it may be the best yet.

Hope that in what seems like a hopeless situation, God is with us always.

I am challenging myself through this season to truly keep Christ at the forefront of everything I do.  Whether it's buying presents, trimming the tree, or hosting a party, I am working hard to keep Christ at the center of the season.  I plan on having a time each day to focus on prayer and reading scripture to keep me grounded.

How are how are you going to keep the season focused on Christ?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Dirty clothes
2.  Freshly groomed dogs
3.  Too many television channels
4.  Catalogs
5.  Nail clippers

 

 

The End of Something in a Sunrise

I just spent a few days in Houston for business and pleasure.  My main goal was to work with some patients and it was fantastic!  I don't get to go on home visits too often and this was time extremely well spent and energizing for me professionally.

I was also able to visit my house.  The house that became our home for 7 years and the house that my mother in law called home for 5 more years.  It was the home that I brought my sweet "Christian" home to and the home that I just fell in love with. 

It's empty now and on the market.  I stopped by to check on things and had no idea how emotional I would get.  Seeing the home empty of "things" for the first time truly affected me.  It made me finally realize that my life is no longer in Texas….I am now a "New Mexican". 

The selling of our home (hopefully soon) will truly wrap up a huge part of life.  It's just symbolic...leaving the past behind.  The past six years in New Mexico have been amazing, and they are just getting better.

The funny thing is that while I was in Houston I saw the most beautiful sunset and sunrise.  It's almost as if "someone" was telling me that it was truly time to let go and move on.

Today I Am Thankful For:

         1.  Air freshener
         2.  Long drives
         3.  Lunch with an old friend

           4.  Early birthday celebrations

           5.  Canned peaches

Frying Chicken

 

I love the movie "The Help."  One of my favorite characters is the loud mouthed, sassy, Minnie Jackson, who is a maid for one of the ladies in Jackson.  One of her jobs is teaching her boss Celia Foote, how to cook.  She tells Celia that one of her favorite things to do is fry chicken.  Because everything seems better when you're frying chicken.

I was thinking about Minnie Jackson this evening as I fried up a big "mess of chicken."  Me and my men are going to the mountains for a picnic and hiking tomorrow and we never go to the mountains without fried chicken.

It's funny, but Minnie is right.  When you fry chicken, everything just seems to get better.  Your mind slows down while you season the flour and dip each piece into the milk.  It's a process that cannot be rushed.  I spent the time in prayer for my family, for a dear friend who passed away, for the family who will buy our home in Houston (not sure who it is yet….) and also in giving thanks for the happiness of my family.

Sometimes it takes something as routine as frying chicken to slow down and give thanks.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.   Lemon pepper

2.  Coupon books

3.  An afternoon filled with errands

4.  Ideas

5.  The smell of fried chicken

Talking and Laughing

"Lance" came home today talking a mile a minute.  Remember, this is my son who has not been excited about school in a few years.  He is now involved with the drama department at the high school and is so excited he could hardly put into words the events of his day.  He ended by saying "I've just had a great day."  My heart was overflowing with thanks when I heard those words come out of his mouth.

Talking and talking and talking...a beautiful sound.

 And the laughter!  I don't care what has happened in our day, my Junior in High School and First Grader both expect to be tickled by their Dad!  It's madness!  They have code to scream out at the top of their lungs in order for their Dad to stop….for Lance it's "MINERVA!" and for Christian it's "MONSTER TRUCK MINERVA!"  (I know, it makes no sense :)

This is one of those days where I know, without any doubt, that my children are utterly happy...

My family is in one of the best places they have ever been in…

And my God is with me despite my shortcomings, always.

It just doesn't get better.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Popcorn

2.  A new project with my hubby

3.  Cleaning ladies

4.  Beads

5.  The first "crisp" feeling in the air

Wake up Calls and Second Chances

The night before I have to catch a flight, I set at least two alarms.  I'm worried I won't wake up in time.

When I am in a hotel and have an early meeting the next morning, I set two alarms and have the hotel wake up service give me a call (always waking up before any alarm goes off).

But sometimes wake up calls come in different ways. 

A second chance given for making up a grade at school…

Almost losing a job and determining your life's passion…

Even having a health scare that gives you another chance to get your life in shape.

I bet we could all list off a few times in our lives when we have been given a second chance. 

Isn't it amazing the "chances" God has given us….and continues to give us on a daily basis?

His love is all encompassing.  He never turns his back on us even when we continue to turn ours on Him.

Lamentations 3:23 tell us that His mercies are new every morning.  Every morning we wake up, we have another chance to make something better.  I am going to make it a point to continue working on my relationship with Christ to be even stronger.  Christ, the source of my steadiness will keep me at peace when those wake up calls come along.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  kindness

2.  lack of sleep

3.  my iPad

4.  treadmills

5.  good test results

Out of the Blue

Sometimes something comes to you out of the blue...right when you need it.  A phone call from an old friend, finding an old photo that brings back a wonderful memory, or getting a card in the mail from someone who took the time to think about you.  Last week, that "out of the blue" moment came to me at work.  I won a contest for submitting the best idea to our team (and received a cash prize to boot)!  It is my answer to being able to attend a speaker's conference in January :)

 

Honestly, things have been pretty rough lately.  The crazy thing is that there is not one thing in  my life going wrong.  Not one!  Actually, things are the best they have been in years!  But when you suffer from clinical depression it doesn't matter.  Everything can be as perfect as perfect can be, but when that shroud of depression hovers over you, it's a big fight to keep moving.  Over the years I have gotten much better at fighting my depression.  Used to be I would give in completely to it, but now I know the signs, can feel it coming on, and talk openly about it with my husband.  It just makes for really difficult days.

 

That surprise just helped me fight my way out of a really bad place.  You just never know what will matter.  Yes, a surprise and cash prize will make just about anyone happy, but how that surprise changed me meant more than any amount of money every could.  I had no idea when I submitted that idea that I would win...I'm just glad I listened and followed through.

 

You never know what is going to change a person's day.  Your smile, taking time for a phone call, including a person in your lunch group...you just have to listen to that voice within you.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  surprises
2.  a new face cream
3.  Sunday afternoon's
4.  homemade tortillas
5.  just right Spanish rice :)

Wow! Thank you, God!

My 16 year old, "Lance", has been in on-line school for the past two years.  It's not been a good fit.  We had to pull him out of public school due to some really serious bullying and at the time, it was the only choice.  Yesterday he went back to public school, as a junior, and I'll be honest, the night before I could not sleep because I was so worried about him.  He had a fantastic day!  Thank you, God!  Lance walked into the house with a spring in his step like I haven't seen in a very, long time.

And my 6 year old, "Christian", met his 1st grade teacher on Wednesday.  All I can say is "SHAZAM!"  She is fantastic!  My husband and I absolutely love her :)  We instantly had a connection with her and I am really looking forward to the school year.  She even asked me to come in for story time on Monday to talk to the class about hemophilia.  I am really excited.

To be honest, Monday, and Tuesday were pretty yucky for me...my depression was starting to play with me and I was just having a really bad time.  Wednesday came and things were looking up...I started to sink again...but when my Lance came in after school, it completely lifted my spirits.

My children are my heart and soul.  I want nothing more than for them to be happy.

Let's face it, they are the only ones who know what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  backpacks
2.  freshly sharpened pencils
3.  shopping for school clothes
4.  phone calls from dear friends
5.  new, spiral notebooks

Rest for My Soul

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30 (NIV)

I just returned from San Diego.  My family attended an educational summit on hemophilia and inhibitors.  It was a great time of meeting new friends, learning about new treatments and just being able to get away and enjoy each other.  Sometimes it takes a "meeting" or special event to get our families away from the daily grind.

Work, school, cooking, cleaning, hemophilia...the list goes on.  We all have burdens to carry.  Some are heavier than others.  But the best part of burden carrying is when you are able to find rest for your soul.  Finding rest for my soul has been in not just finding God in the walls of my church on Sunday mornings, but in seeing the calm waters of the San Diego bay, watching my husband's excitement over fresh seafood, our tired feet from all of the walking, and just breathing in another, hot New Mexico day.

 Letting go and experiencing rest for my soul is a treasure.  It can come at the most unexpected times and places, we just have to acknowledge the gift so that we can continue to carry our loads.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Clean sheets

2. Shuttle buses

3. Peaches and plums

4. Great pictures from a getaway

5. Lotion on tired feet

Are you sure, God?

I know that God has me on this Earth for many reasons.  I think one of them is so that He can have a good laugh :)  When I think about where I have come from and where I am at this moment, it is nothing but through God's grace that I am alive and thriving.  I am so incredibly grateful.

But lately, I have had something brewing inside of me.  I could not put words to it until now.  I feel as if the next part of my ministry needs to be helping to develop a Women's ministry at our church.  That I have accepted and am excited about, but there is one other thing.  I am feeling led to write more than my blog.  I believe God is putting it on my heart to write a Bible Study. 

Then my first question is, "Are you sure, God?  I don't have a seminary degree (yet) and my Bible knowledge is not the best, so are you really sure?"

Do you ever have those moments when you question God.

Just like Moses, Gideon and Jeremiah.  They did not think they were the appointed persons to lead but God sure showed them the way. 

I don't know anything about writing a study, but I am going to give it a try.  I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to discern God's voice.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      Blue skies

2.      Friendly neighbors

3.      Ink cartridges

4.      Paper bags with handles

5.      Shipping tape

Where I Needed to Be

Yesterday afternoon I was struggling with work.  I just wanted it to be 5:00 pm on Friday!  Then, my cell phone rang.  It was a dear friend of mine who I worked with for many, many years.  I miss her terribly.  Her passion and spirit are contagious.  She is the kind of person children (and adults) gravitate to.  They just want to be in her presence.  I absolutely adore her.

She is struggling because her mother is in the final stages of her life…and my sweet friend called me.  God used me. I was able to relate to her struggle and give her some fresh insights as she tried to make sense of a difficult time.  For someone to reach out to you when they are hurting is humbling.  You learn a lot about yourself when you have to dig deep to help someone else.

Ministry happens at unexpected times.  It’s not always on Sunday mornings within the walls of a church.  It happens during a busy workday, on a weekend with the family, at the store and even late at night on Facebook.

I am honored that God uses me.  When I get complacent about my ministry, He wakes me up in a huge way.

So glad I listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.     unexpected phone calls

2.     iced tea

3.     incense

4.     Little Caesars Hot n’ Ready Pizza for $5!

5.     moms

Language

I'll be honest about something.  The thing that scares me the most about continuing Seminary is the "language."  When you are in school, your writing takes on a new langage.  An academic style.  I've been writing columns and blogs for quite a while and it does not translate well to the world of "academia." 

It scares me to death.  The whole world of theology is a completely different animal on an academic level.  But I have to suck it up and do it.  I am in the process of researching upcoming classes and getting back into the swing of higher education.

I am excitedly working through my book for the initial process through the church and will meet with my mentor next week for discussion.

Possibilites are everywhere.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  being Diet Coke free for over a week!
2.  video games to pass the time during long infusions
3.  pants with holes (because it means my little one plays hard)
4.  rolling tables in the hospital
5.  possibilities

Time Away...

I've not been writing regularly….I've been searching and listening.

 God has been working on me.  And He has made me listen.  I have felt God's call on my life for quite some time and I have let life get in the way.  My "Christian's" hemophilia has really kept me busy, "Lance" has been struggling with his online schooling, and the death of my dear mother-in-law has been keeping my family life very full.  Top it off with my husband's ministry as a pastor and my working as a patient advocate full-time has left little time for seminary.  I took a break, with all intention of not going back.  I mean, one pastor in the family is enough, right?

I have officially entered the "Inquiry" Process in the United Methodist Church.  I have a mentor, who is one that will truly keep me accountable.  She is a Deacon in El Paso and has worked with my husband quite a bit.  We had our first meeting yesterday.  She is fantastic :)

This process the United Methodist Church has developed helps those who have a call to ministry to discern what they are hearing and feeling.  Sometimes people go through this process and decide to not move forward.  That very well may be what happens with me.  I have not a clue what is to come, I just know that God is leading me to discover what He is truly laying on my heart.

When is the last time you stopped and listened?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Unexpected play dates

2.  Wipeout :)

3.  Kindergarten homework

4.  A plant to re-pot

5.  A new sofa and chair

Enough Time Off...

God was present on Sunday morning.  He woke me up.

I've not been pursuing Seminary for a while....I've just felt as if the timing was not right.  There have been so many things that have happened (especially my "Christian's" health being front and center) and I have been very relieved that school was not in the mix, but something happened at church on Sunday.

A new member, who I've really not had contact with, came up to me.  This person is in need of someone being "present" for them as they have recently had a great loss and for some reason, and he felt led to talk to me.  I was quite overwhelmed and pretty surprised. 

Is this God's way of saying that I have had enough "time off" and I need tro begin my active pursuit of Seminary again?  It has really made me think.

I assured this church member that I was not a professional counselor, just a pastor's wife who struggles with depression and has a heart for ministry.  He wants to sit and talk, so I agreed (and today I received my next lay speaker's class book "Lay Pastoral Care Giving" in the mail).

I am stepping out in faith to answer what seems to be God's calling. 

It may not sound like a big thing, but I think God moves in mysterious ways.  Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  legal pads
2.  an extremely busy day
3.  an upcoming business trip with a dear friend
4.  a new blouse
5.  beginning a new Bible Study

Nudges

The past two weeks have been pretty difficult. My depression has been rearing its ugly head, and it tends to do that during the Thanksgiving season. It's one of my most favorite times of year, but also one of the hardest.

On a recent Friday evening, I was not doing very well. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. I told my husband how I was feeling and we piled into the car and went to Las Cruces (an hour away) to do a little shopping. I needed to get some makeup so we stopped by the day spa that carries the brand I use. Again, I was feeling beyond lousy and putting one foot in front of the other was a feat in itself. The young lady working the counter told me they were out of what I needed. She asked me to give her five minutes to try something new. I looked like a completely different person! Something as small and insignificant as the shade of my makeup changed me completely! Yes, she was doing her job, but she really did not have to go out of her way to try something new on me. She could have said they were out and to come back in a few days, but she didn't. I appreciated her going the extra mile.

I kept thinking about her act of kindness. She had no idea how deeply she touched me and that she helped me find my way out of a very, dark day.

I wrote a letter to the manager and simply told her that this lovely, young woman went out of her way to help me and it made me feel better. That young lady left me a message later in the week, filled with gratitude that I went out of my way to thank her, and she even got an early bonus :) She left me a beautiful message, wishing God's blessings on me and my family.

I was so excited that I felt God's nudge on my heart that day, even through a serious bout of depression, and responded. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear. It was huge. Yes, the Holy Spirit was made known to me through a simple change in makeup, but nonetheless was real and alive.

Have you felt that nudge on your heart? Has God been impressing on you to reach out to someone by speaking a word of kindness, send card, or simply be present?

Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when you may be on the other end of what He is planning.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Suitcase surprises
2. New jeans
3. Clean laundry
4. New, fuzzy socks
5. My mother-in-law coming through surgery

The Journey

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

Being in love...with yourself!

A new show on the OWN network started and I recorded it. Not sure what to expect, I watched it during lunch yesterday and was really taken back. It's a documentary/reality show following Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York.

It was very interesting, and a little hard to watch. The show chronicles the ups and downs she has been through, most recently her accepting money to give info on her ex-husband, and Dr. Phil and Suze Orman are working with her.

This woman, who was the focus of a royal wedding, in the public eye, two beautiful daughters, Lady Diana's best friend, can't even look in the mirror at herself because she has no sense of self worth. I can identify all too well with the way she feels.

I know within my heart that God loves me exactly as I am and that I should do the same. But so often, that inner, ugly self talk will get you into trouble.

When she was meeting with Suze Orman, Suze said "I am in love with myself!" Now that is amazing. It is a lesson we should all take to heart. We need to be "in love with ourselves." God intended for us to be as we are. I'm not saying we should give up in our quest to be healthy and take care of ourselves, but despite where we are in our journey, we need to give ourselves a little grace, look in the mirror and say "Ta-Da"!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pudding
2. A loud television
3. Crooked pictures
4. Tee ball
5. Running water

Let Go (part 2 of 4)

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Making the most of myself.

Talk about hard to do!

Does making the most of myself mean being "supermom" and wife? Taking fantastic care of myself all the time? Spending time in devotion everyday and volunteering at church every spare minute? Not to forget becoming the most I can be in my 9 - 5 job?

That's where I mess up. I feel like I have to do everything well at the same time. Sometimes I just have to do the best I can and know that my heart is in the right place. That my efforts are well intentioned. It goes back to surrendering each day. Every day we get is a day we don’t' deserve. How do we spend it? We never know when our last day will be. When we will go on to meet the Father.

I plan on spending each day I get "making the most" of who I can be. It's not based off how much I do, but the spirit in which I do life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Decluttering
2. My son coming home tomorrow from choir tour!
3. Bottled water
4. Stacks of board games
5. Hard wood floors