Where You Belong

There have been many times in my life when I wondered if I was where I belonged.

I think it's a natural thing.  We wonder if we are living our lives to the fullest.  Are we following the path God has placed in front of us?  Are we truly doing the best we can to do more than just "exist"?

Today I had a moment.  A moment where I felt God's presence.  It was more than knowing He was with me and that I was loved….it was through singing and leading worship that took me back to a time early in my faith journey where God was working on me in  a huge way.  I could smell the incense in the church I attended so many years ago and it was there that I discovered how much music was truly a part of my life and how vital it was to the way I worshipped.

 

The music today, the smell of the flowers, the faces old and new in the congregation, and looking down to witness my oldest son giving communion to my youngest son was when I knew I was where I belonged.  Serving, worshipping and experiencing God. 

I truly felt like I was at home.

Today I Am Thankful For:

 

1.  Long naps

2.  Sandwiches
3.  Cocktail peanuts
4.  Plastic containers

5.  Frasier

Good Friday

We participated in an amazing Good Friday service tonight. This is an evening I look forward to every year. It's a time to stop and focus on the sacrifice that was made for all of creation. It's almost just too much to try and comprehend.

I caught myself praying, "God, I know I am not worthy enough...." and I immediately stopped myself. Who is worthy enough for the gift God gave us? The truth is, none of us are, but God knew before we were born that He would love us enough for the sacrifice He would make. God knew what He was doing. He knew that the hardest thing in the world would be to sacrifice His son, but it was done out of a love greater than we will ever understand.

My prayer for you is that you take a moment to stop and think about what we are celebrating. It's not about the Easter bunny and the egg hunts or the pastel colors and new outfits for church, it's about the One who saved us. The One who knows we fall short every single day of being great human beings. The One who will love us for all eternity.

Look at the hands of someone you love and imagine nails being driven through them. It's too much! How in the world could someone do that?

It is the greatest gift that was given to the world...to each of us.

Make the most of each day and live it to the fullest.

Remember who came for you.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. broccoli
2. Easter pails
3. clean jammies
4. thoughtful, meaningful worship experiences
5. flip flops

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Having The Right Words...when my Facebook Chimed

Have you ever been in a situation when someone needed your help and you just did not have the words?

I have an amazing friend who lives in a neighboring state.  To say she has difficulties in her life is an understatement.  She has a husband, kids, job, and tons of responsibilities and I have never seen her get angry with God or run away from what she believes to be true.  She is a solid example of what a woman of faith looks like. 

I have to admit that I ran away from her.  She confided in me regarding a terribly difficult situation and I just absolutely had no idea what to say.  I didn't know how to comfort her or help her make sense of anything.  And I have not talked to her since...until my Facebook chimed in tonight.  I know that we don't always have the right words, and sometimes just being a presence for someone, even on a telephone line, or the other side of a Facebook chat is all someone needs.

But what about those times where you can't spit out the words fast enough?  As I was sitting in the hospital last weekwith my little one, my Facebook chat chimed again.  It was a very dear friend of mine from High School!  I haven't talked to her since our 10 year reunion (in 1996) :)

She was my "Baptist" friend who was always at church.  She always went to "youth group" or VBS.  In my Catholic upbringing (not everyone's Catholic upbringing), religion was not discussed.  We just "went to Mass" and my mom never let me go to her church even after I pleaded with her time after time.  I think I was always searching, even at that young age. 

 

"Gina" had some questions about being "Methodist" as she and her husband just joined a wonderful Methodist church.  I told her, "Call me anytime!"  And my phone rang five minutes later.  Hearing the twang of her Southern accent warmed my heart and when she asked me questions I had the words.  She even said, "Cazandra, isn't it funny that all those years ago God knew we would come together talking about faith even though we didn't back then?"
 

Yes, Gina, He did know that.  And I will continue to pray to God to give me the strength and wisdom to have the words when needed and the wisdom to know when my presence is enough.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Discharge papers from the hospital

2.  Pretty boxes

3.  Friends who trust you

4.  Extension cords

5.  chimes

Frying Chicken

 

I love the movie "The Help."  One of my favorite characters is the loud mouthed, sassy, Minnie Jackson, who is a maid for one of the ladies in Jackson.  One of her jobs is teaching her boss Celia Foote, how to cook.  She tells Celia that one of her favorite things to do is fry chicken.  Because everything seems better when you're frying chicken.

I was thinking about Minnie Jackson this evening as I fried up a big "mess of chicken."  Me and my men are going to the mountains for a picnic and hiking tomorrow and we never go to the mountains without fried chicken.

It's funny, but Minnie is right.  When you fry chicken, everything just seems to get better.  Your mind slows down while you season the flour and dip each piece into the milk.  It's a process that cannot be rushed.  I spent the time in prayer for my family, for a dear friend who passed away, for the family who will buy our home in Houston (not sure who it is yet….) and also in giving thanks for the happiness of my family.

Sometimes it takes something as routine as frying chicken to slow down and give thanks.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.   Lemon pepper

2.  Coupon books

3.  An afternoon filled with errands

4.  Ideas

5.  The smell of fried chicken

The Best Relationship

I've written pretty openly about my devotional time.  There are times in my life where I have been extremely devout and some seasons of life where my devotional time is non-existent.  Right now is a pretty good time.  I've been spending time in prayer and reading Lysa Terkurst's "Made to Crave."  A great book!

I have added a new dimension to my time.  My dear friend "J" came in from out of town and we were able to spend some time together (work related) but we were in a very casual atmosphere at my home in meetings.  It was great :)  She brought me a present...a "ClingingCross."  It is just beautiful.  It fits perfectly in your hand.  She told me that her father had one and it brought him great comfort in his last days.  I was very touched that she thought of me.

I have been holding it while I pray and read in my devotional time and it is amazing how it has heightened the depth of my time. 

My relationship with Christ is top of my list and this small cross is helping me to connect on a deeper level.  I want this relationship to be the deepest, most satisfying relationship that I can have.  It will not only help me as I grow spiritually, but help to deepen the relationships that are closest to me.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      Thoughtful gifts

2.      Books

3.      6 am

4.      Colored pens

5.      Prayer journals

A Spark

Sunday morning I finally stepped out into what I know.  My passion.  My ministry.  My calling to lead women.

I held a meeting for those interested in beginning a women's ministry at our church. There are so many possibilities...so many people to be ministered to …...and so many women that can touch the lives of others. 

The group of women that showed up were spunky and filled with ideas and most importantly desire.  There was a spark in the room.  Like when you first light a sparkler...you see one spark start and then all of a sudden they ignite and go crazy!  One spark feeds on another and before you know it, you have something beautiful.

That's what happened yesterday.  We all fed off of each other's energy and something beautiful happened...God was in the room and the sparks flew!

It only takes a spark to get a fire going.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      My peach trees

2.      Trying a new recipe

3.      Ice, cold water

4.      Naps

5.      A good haircut

Having Skin

"The miracle is not to walk on water but on the Earth."  Thich Nhat Hanh

When I first saw this quote, I wasn't sure how to take it.  Did it mean Christ was not the miracle?  The more I thought about it, I came to an understanding.  We are not intended to walk on water. We are His miracles living in the flesh, on Earth.  We are to be the hands, the feet and yes, the skin of Christ. 

It can be as simple as smiling at a stranger who may have had a difficult day.

Giving the gift of a listening ear to someone who wants to talk about their grandchildren.

Volunteering for work in the community or at church.

 Sometimes it's simply listening to what God is telling us to do even if we don’t have the desire.

I liken it to what I believe "oozing" to be.  Trying to be the best person we can be in this world.  Everyday we are given, is one more than we deserve.  So how are we going to spend this day? 

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Diet Cokes
2. Ribbon bookmarkers for my Bible
3. Payday
4. Weeds
5. Rain

Are you sure, God?

I know that God has me on this Earth for many reasons.  I think one of them is so that He can have a good laugh :)  When I think about where I have come from and where I am at this moment, it is nothing but through God's grace that I am alive and thriving.  I am so incredibly grateful.

But lately, I have had something brewing inside of me.  I could not put words to it until now.  I feel as if the next part of my ministry needs to be helping to develop a Women's ministry at our church.  That I have accepted and am excited about, but there is one other thing.  I am feeling led to write more than my blog.  I believe God is putting it on my heart to write a Bible Study. 

Then my first question is, "Are you sure, God?  I don't have a seminary degree (yet) and my Bible knowledge is not the best, so are you really sure?"

Do you ever have those moments when you question God.

Just like Moses, Gideon and Jeremiah.  They did not think they were the appointed persons to lead but God sure showed them the way. 

I don't know anything about writing a study, but I am going to give it a try.  I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to discern God's voice.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      Blue skies

2.      Friendly neighbors

3.      Ink cartridges

4.      Paper bags with handles

5.      Shipping tape

Ready or Not, Here We Come!

All of our things are in one place...our last Sunday in T or C is behind us...several boxes still to unpack...but now I start to think about the journey to come.

 A bigger church, many, many more names to learn, new relationships to build...new schools for my boys and many new challenges to come.  It's enough to really freak me out.  I can start questioning my ability to work alongside my husband in ministry, I can question God about why he moved us from a church that was starting to really show growth, but I have to continually ask myself, "Why worry?"  One of my favorite passages in scripture is found in Matthew 6:25-34.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

 When I worry I begin to doubt and doubt is one of the worst things a person can do (it's something I truly struggle with).  Doubt starts with a tiny whisper.  It's like the "good angel" on one shoulder and the "bad angel" on the other.  When that tiny voice starts in my head, sometimes I am not strong enough to silence it.

But what I know for sure is that God does not make mistakes.  He puts us on  a path to seek and serve and when we listen to Him with our whole heart, everything just falls into place. 

 Rio Rancho, here we come :)

 Today I am Thankful For:

1.  Hugs and tears
2.  A great steak
3.  Nectarines
4.  Water hoses

5.  New beginnings

Who Do You Talk To?

Who do you talk to the most? Your spouse, best friend….what about yourself? I think we spend most of our best and worst conversations with ourselves. It has made me wonder, as I have been in a weekly Bible Study on prayer, what our attitude is like when we speak to ourselves? Don’t we realize who else is listening? Yes, God. He is with us always.

Of course, we are not going to always have “holy” thoughts and we will find plenty of times where we are beating ourselves up in our head, being negative, and judging like nobody’s business. We have to think about what kind of thoughts we have and the attitude which we think them.

Are those thoughts pleasing to God?

I want to make it a goal to put a better attitude on what is going on in my head. Instead of judging the person I am walking past, I need to pray for them, because I have no idea what they may be dealing with. When I start to beat myself up because of my weight, I start to pray and thank God for my body, because it is a gift from Him and no one else is made exactly like me. I am unique and special in the eyes of God. When I get upset or angry at a person/situation, I need to turn those feelings into prayer for the person/situation at hand.

It’s not easy being a Christian. We need to work at being an example to those who do not know Christ. We want them to “want what we have” and their search may start with our example. Let Christ’s light shine through you in all circumstances.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. hotel coffee
2. waterfalls
3. report cards
4. a new truck
5. flip flops

Being Silent

I had the most amazing weekend.

I attended a retreat lead by Dr. Jane Vennard from Iliff Seminary at the Sacred Heart Retreat House in Sedalia, Colorado.

It was a contemplative retreat filled with tons of silence. It was so refreshing. To not "have" to talk. To be able to go deeper inside of yourself and actually listen to what your heart was trying to tell you. To just "be". And to be in community with others, in silence. One of my favorite times was lying on a hammock for about two hours (yes, a luxury indeed :)


Our sharing times were pretty powerful. One of the questions asked was "Have you experience silence as a gift?"

I thought of my Dad. He was always a quiet man, but when he got sick and suffered from dementia, towards the end of his life, he didn't speak anymore. One of the times that I will never forget is when we were sitting in silence, just being and he raised his arm up and patted me on the shoulder. That action was worth more than any words he could have spoken to me.

I am looking forward to this coming week (I write this as I sit in an apartment at Iliff) as our retreat moves to the classroom where we will work on developing retreats.

My first "academic" experience in twenty years! I'm so glad I didn't chicken out.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. grapes
2. air conditioning
3. comfortable pillows
4. things left behind
5. new friends

It's Soooo Quiet

You ever been in the kind of quiet that is deafening? You know, it's almost too..."loud"?

That is what I am experiencing right now and for this upcoming weekend. A retreat in "Being Still."

As a mom, it's so hard to be still. There's always something to do and I will admit that when I am still, I'm watching television most of the time, just vegging out.

Isn't that awful? All of the other things I could be doing other than watching television....see, there I go...not being still.

This weekend is all about me being a little selfish and taking time for myself and my relationship with God.

I can't figure out what is making me more nervous, not knowing people, or the quiet that surrounds me?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Skype
2. new headphones
3. parachutes
4. the camera on my phone
5. my iPod

I Know the Problem

Since early June, my life has been pretty crazy with my four year old, Christian, beingin and out of the hospital.

I've just not "felt" right for several weeks.

My weight loss has been up and down, my sleep has been very deprived, our schedules at home have not been steady and I just don't feel good.

I figured it out. I've let my morning quiet time go.

Sleepless nights, getting up at all hours to infuse medication, I can come up with all the excuses in the world, but the bottom line is I let go of my lifeboat.

The one thing that keeps me going...my quiet time. The time I sit with Jesus in my living room to say hello and talk about what's on my heart...I've let it go.

Not intentionally, but it has slipped away.

But wouldn't you think I would be praying more than ever right now with my Christian's medical issues? That's what I don't understand. The time in my life that I need to be on my knees the most, and I have been absolutely complacent in my prayer life.

I opened my Bible yesterday to Psalm 42,

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God? (NIV)"

I think God is telling me something.

Wednesday evening we went out on the lake with friends and what did I see? A deer drinking water.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. decent Mexican food
2. a new blouse
3. phone chargers
4. house slippers
5. puppy breath

I Cried....

I took my Christian to see the surgeon this morning, and he said that the port needs to come out...Friday! The doctor will place a PICC line for temporary access until the site heals and in a few weeks we go back for a new port (and a lengthier hosital stay).

On our two hour drive home, I cried at least halfway.

I cried because my Christian has dealt with so much.

I cried while remembering life before Christian when only Lance was around and how much easier all of this hemophilia stuff was. I had no idea then.

I cried because I often feel like I've no one to talk to. That's when I called my good buddy "T" in Houston :)

Needless to say, I was just being a woman :)

I know that hemophilia has been placed in our lives for many reasons. And I think one of the greatest reasons is that the good Lord knew my hubby and I could handle raising two, very different, boys with this disorder. That we were equipped to teach them all they need to know without feeling sorry for themselves.

To ultimately teach us a thing or two.

But don't we all have our "hemophilia?"

I have a friend dealing with major issues with her step daughter, another with financial problems, a couple with issues dealing with a loved one and their absence...everyone has something.

I don't think anyone can say their problem is worse than the other...it's their problem that needs to be prayed upon. It's their problem that God is in the middle of, maybe they just don't know it yet.

Whatever your "hemophilia" is, I pray that the Lord blesses you, strenghens you and shows up in amazing ways through your situation.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an old "mixed" CD
2. animal crackers
3. text messages
4. a boss who cares
5. two more nights at home

After Camp...

After camp my life went in a different direction.



I'm still not home.



Last Friday the guys met me for lunch after camp in Albuquerque before I had to fly out to Wisconsin to speak at a bleeding disorders event. Christian started having a bleed and some problems with his port, so off to the hospital we went. We were admitted and are still here.



Things are looking better, it just takes time for healing (I never did get on that plane).



I sent my husband and Lance home Saturday evening so they could take care of church Sunday and continue with their plans of going on to music camp in Sacramento. No need to put everything on hold.



So, Christian and I sit and wait for healing. We are hoping to go home by Wednesday.



When you are in the hospital with a sick child, the loneliness sets in pretty quick. Especially when you are not close to family and friends. But today a ray of light came into my life.



A new friend, who I spent last week at camp with as a counselor, came to visit us today! And she brought treats!



A new friend is always exciting but when someone goes out of their way to visit you, and takes the time to bring you a few things...it's just an overwhelming feeling.



The three of us spent our time in the playroom this afternoon. Christian held her captive...she was new and a willing participant to play :)



God shows up...all the time.



Today I Am Thankful For:



1. My new friend "D"

2. peanuts

3. fruit

4. $3 fire engines

5. duct tape

Rough Week

It's been a rough week. Work is crazy (a good kind of crazy), my depression has been hitting me and I've been fighting it, and we are anxiously awaiting the end of my hubby's travels to Denver (Masters Degree) with 2 weeks left!

A lot of things going on but not much to say this week.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to get some things done and breathe a little.

I'll be back next week.

Blessings to you all!


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. cosmetic samples
2. UPS deliveries
3. little, white t-shirts
4. green beans
5. painted toenails

Accomplishment

I love the feeling you have after an afternoon of work in the yard. Since we've lived in New Mexico, we've not really had the opportunity to really "work" a yard (and it's very different compared to the climate in Houston). Our plan is to transform and pour some love into our yard at our parsonage. It has been neglected for several years....overgrown trees , plenty of dirt instead of grass...etc. We mowed and did a little planting Saturday...just some marigolds and rose bushes. It's amazing how a couple of small changes make such a big difference!

It's been hard in our first year of living in a parsonage. You feel like a "renter." What does it take to make it feel like your home? I think it's just investing yourself into where you are living and actually "living" in the present...not "worrying" about next years appointment and cherishing the time where you are at.

You know moving will happen but you can't let it consume you. Being in the itinerant system makes you feel like a gypsy sometimes (and we've only begun)! I am finding it to be a new challenge...to put down roots where we are called. As long as we are together as a family, where we are physically is a non-issue. It's just geography!

It's love that grounds us.

Love that fuels us.

Love that keeps us together (wasn't that a song....).

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. dirt
2. weeds
3. the smell of fresh cut grass
4. parades
5. little boy hugs

God's Pleasure

I attended (and led music) at a women's retreat this past weekend. "Faith at the Crossroads" by Janet Drez. It was very good. I always go to these kind of events and hope to take away a nugget. Something that will stick with me...and I did.

Janet talked about the movie Chariots of Fire and how the man, who was the runner, talked to his sister about how when he ran he "felt God's pleasure."

That's what I've been searching for...what is it that I do that I "feel God's pleasure?"

What about you? I would love to hear from you! When do you feel God's pleasure?"

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. the driving range
2. external hard drives
3. a clean camper
4. a few days off
5. sleeping in

Gray

We had the shortest hospital stay ever! Less than 24 hours! Yes, it was an exhausting day, but we are home. My Christian has an infection in his port, but we are on the road to treating it and we are home!

There is something I noticed at the hospital. The parents of children who are admitted look "gray." They have a haze of grayness around them.

I ran into the dad of a child, in his sweats, with his Wendy's Biggie drink, walking to the nourishment room for ice. He just had a cloud around him.

I guess because I've been one of those parents more times than I care to remember that I've never noticed.

When you live at the hospital you live from the few changes of clothes you have (and wash regularly at the Ronald McDonald room), you sneak away when your child is asleep for food and drink, television becomes your friend (when the cartoons are not on), and you learn to wait.

My heart goes out to these parents. My prayers to each and every one of them.

It is hard to have a sick child.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my own bed
2. dollar store surprises
3. my bluetooth
4. lollipops
5. being home

A Big Day

I've been working on a presentation to give to offices in my work network across the country. It was an idea I had and was given the go ahead to run with the project. Today I give my first conference call twice...the first one in an hour!

When you feel passionately about something, step out in faith and make it happen. It can sure be scary, but the Lord will be with you when it is truly the right thing to do.

Prayers appreciated :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. ice, cold water
2. clean dishes
3. fluorescent lamps
4. dusty plants
5. cold rooms