Hitting Home

I am so blessed to be with a wonderful group of ladies on Tuesday evenings.  We are reading Renee Swope's "A Confident Heart."  It is just a gem.  Every paragraph has an amazing nugget of wisdom that hits home for me.  I want to share a section that really hit me this past week.

 "If you've ever doubted God's personal pursuit of you, let this truth sink in, my friend; wherever you are, He wants to meet you there.  He is waiting for you to stop, come up close , and turn your heart to listen to His.  You don't have to pretend things are fine when they aren't.  He knows what is going on in your thoughts.  Nothing could keep Him from wanting to be with you."

   -From "A Confident Heart", Renee Swope, pg. 37.

I hate how doubt tends to consume me.  Sometimes it's my work and wondering if I am truly performing up to my potential, or am I doing enough for my children in the way of being a mom.  And more often than not, I doubt whether or not I am good enough for myself.  Saying these things "out loud" is hard, but the truth is, God knows every thought I have.  Even the thoughts that I could never speak out loud...the ones about myself and how I feel less than. 

God is in "pursuit" of me.  Every day.  He meets me despite how I look or feel.  It's like a child that has been playing outside all day long.  Full of mud and critters...running to Mom and Dad with complete faith and love.  That child did not stop to wash off the mud and critters before he went running to his parents...he went just as he was.

That's how God wants me and you.  Just the way we are.  Sometimes that's hard for me to accept.  That God loves me with all of my "junk".  Stinkin' thinkin' and all. 

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Kindergarten homework
2. A new brace for my "Christian's" ankle
3. Reaching out to a new mentor in my process of discernment through the church
4. A new sweatshirt
5. Looking forward to the weekend

The Journey

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

What is Yet to Come

It's easy to get overwhelmed. I am the queen of that! When I start to think about work, school, family and all of the medical issues my little one deals with, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is. Isn't that crazy?

Here I am , a pastor's wife, who struggles with doubt.

Doubt about whether or not I can produce in my job as well as expected.

Doubt about whether or not ordained ministry is truly the path God is steering me towards.

Doubt whether or not I am being completely present for my family.

I could go on and on, but fortunately God's word came alive to me today.

I am preparing a sermon for Sunday and today it really came alive to me as I was studying.

“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him--1 Corinthians 2:9(NIV)

We have no clue what is in store for us on here in this world on in eternity. The best is yet to come! The world is not all there is. We are so busy "doing" and "going" that I think we can forget that our true reward awaits us in eternity. At least, I know I can forget.

My "plan" in life was to be a middle school band director, raise my children in the suburbs of the big city and bake cookies for the PTO at school.

Funny how God works. I'm in a second career, contemplating a third, raising my children in a very, small town, and the wife of a pastor. And knowing that the best is yet to come is also a bit overwhelming, but things are pretty amazing the way they are.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. bitter cold
2. an open Bible
3. warm scarves
4. hamburger patties
5. snow on the kitchen floor

The Last Thing I Wanted To Do...

Getting up at 6 am on a Saturday morning is not something that top's my list of favorite things to do.

But that is what I did today.

I was asked to come speak to a group of women in Cloudcroft, New Mexico about Celebration Ministries (I served as President of the Deming Celebration Chapter for three years). They were wanting information and had questions, so I accepted their invitation several weeks ago.

I had been trying to talk myself out of going for days...mainly because I have just not been feeling well. Truth be told, I've not been feeling well since September.

My heart has been empty. I just feel like my faith is weak and my relationship with God is stagnant because of lack of work on my part.

My husband encouraged me to keep my commitment. He tells me that when our faith is weak and when we feel like God is not present in our lives that it is often the most important time to continue our ministry.

I think he is right.

During the three hour drive to Cloudcroft I was doubting myself. "What can I possible give these women? What if they see through me and see that I am a big phony? What if my words are not what they need?"

These women blessed my socks off! They shared their hearts and desires and were just lovely. I shared some of my story and helped to give them direction for their women's group.

The three hour drive home was quite different. I felt so blessed. Blessed that I was invited to share in the lives of these amazing women. Blessed that God led me on this little journey through my feeling crummy about everything. Blessed that I "showed up" and shared a part of myself and what God is doing through me.

I am so far from perfect. I drop the ball, I slack off, I don't believe in myself, but through all of that craziness, God loves me just the way I am.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A brisk morning
2. A New Mexico sunrise
3. aromatherapy sleep mist
4. Google images
5. Pizza Night at the local deli

I Posted Too Soon.....

I am more of a Facebook "lurker" and not one who posts often (my blog posts show up, but I don't go out of my way to post my status).

Tonight I posted that all was quiet in our hospital room (Christian had his surgery today) and that he was sleeping....that lasted about 20 minutes!

So two hours later, I sit here, as he does finally sleep, wide awake, contemplating the day.

Despite all of the medical issues both of my boys have endured, there is one thing that did overwhelm me today...Pain.

Christian has endured an enormous amount of pain today. The kind of pain that when your child is crying and you truly do not know what to do except hold them and wipe their tears.

I've said before that I would gladly endure the pain my children go through rather than they having to deal with it themselves, but I never meant it like I did today.

We all have pain. Physical pain like my sweet, brave boy has been dealing with, emotional pain that so many people go through at the hands of others....

As trite as it may sound, I truly believe the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but there are sure times I wonder if I am truly the person meant to deal with children with medical issues.

I begin to doubt myself, the decisions I make on their behalf, even the signing of the consent forms for procedures to be done.

I know it all makes us stronger, but I feel strong enough! :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a late night Diet Coke
2. my oldest son's love for his baby brother
3. dark rooms
4. the city lights in the wee hours
5. Christian's stars and moon nightlight

Doing Enough

I've always said that when I did become a pastor's wife I would never "put on" appearances. If I was hurting, I wouldn't hide it, if I was upset or sad, I would let it out, and so on. I never want to be a hindrance to my husband's ministry like I know a pastor's wife can be. But I find myself in an odd place.

I teach a Women's Bible study and produce the monthly church newsletter...that's it. As I sit and listen to the choir preparing for the Palm Sunday service, I feel pangs of guilt about not participating in the music groups (chasing after my four year old keeps me pretty busy).

I am looking forward to playing my English Horn on Good Friday and my oboe on Easter Sunday, but I want to do more. I've been searching to know what that "more" is.

I am in the process of applying to another seminary...Asbury was not the place for me. If all works out and I am accepted, I will be really busy :) Maybe it's the "more" that I have been searching for. I want to study and strengthen my knowledge of the Bible so that I can share His word.

Time will tell. I just need to be "still" and listen.

Have you been "still" lately?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. palms
2. a messy house
3. Hershey Kisses
4. eating "right"
5. old coloring books

Traveling

I am traveling to Kansas City today for a team meeting. I work with an amazing group of people who are spread out across the country. We meet in person quarterly, but talk as a group daily.

I always get nervous when I am about to see everyone. I begin to doubt what I bring to the table. Am I good enough? Do I measure up to the standards of our team?

Ugh! Doubt will kill your spirit if you let it.

I have to remember that God doesn't ask out of us what isn't already in us. That I am in the place (and job) that I am in for many amazing reasons...even if I don't have a clue what they are :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. coffee
2. short security checkpoints
3. ladies stepping forward in ministry at church
4. fried chicken
5. crystal platters

Doubt

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19 (NIV)


Why do we let doubt even creep in to our minds?

I wish I could say that the above verse is on my heart all of the time, but often times, I begin to worry about things. "Will the shop find out what's wrong with my vehicle, will Christian's chemo have a good result when it's all over, will we stay in our current pastorate longer than a year..."

I know I could worry myself sick about everything, but then I'll be missing out on something really important...LIFE! Satan works hard at getting us when we are down. Even while things are going along great and we have that split second of wonder and doubt, Satan works his way in to destroy the good in our lives.

We have to keep our priorities in check...keep all of the important things on our list active in all that we do. We have to remember that doubt can destroy.

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." -Psalm 16:7-8 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. direct deposit
2. rental cars
3. phone cords
4. bookmarks
5. journaling

Language

I have a Bachelor's of Music Education degree. The language of "education" is natural to me. Now that I work in the healthcare industry, the language of "healthcare" has become natural to me as well.

I started seminary last week. My first class in 20 years! The language of theology is not natural to me. I am reading and re-reading the same things over and over again just for basic comprehension! Needless to say, it has humbled me.

But something ugly has resurfaced with a vengence...DOUBT. That doubt can be a killer. It can squeeze the life right out of you. It can make all of the good you have done in your life just disappear within seconds. In times of doubt we have to rely on the Sword of the Spirit - the Word of God. When all else fails, and I feel empty, I go back to Philippians 4:13,

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

It is a piece of the word that speaks a mountain of truth.

What scripture gives you hope? What scripture chases away doubt?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. fantastic colleagues
2. good haircutsw
3. homemade cherry Cokes
4. seeing the Earth from an airplane
5. clouds

I'm so in the right place

Our recent move happened very quickly. Within a two week time period, Joe was offered his appointment and we moved. Two weeks!

I never doubted the move, but this weekend I was assured that we were in the right place.

I took the boys and my mother-in-law (Joe was working an Emmaus walk) to the Balloon Regatta at the lake. We got up early, brought along our coffee and donuts and sat and watched the baloons fill up and take off at sunrise. It was astounding!





Where else in the world could this picture be taken?



I also preached for the first time in our new church. I wasn't nervous, and when I looked out at the congregation, I truly felt like I was at home.

We are so blessed.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. online classes
2. new tablecloths
3. folding chairs
4. lake water
5. love

A Little Lost

I have been a little lost. What is next? I've made a new home in our first parsonage, even made some friends, but what is next?

I start my seminary class today (I'm only taking 2 hours this first semester since I've not been in school for 20 years) and I am scared and excited. I want to know more, so here starts the journey.

I know Philippians 4:13 and Jeremiah 29:11, sometimes I just wish I knew what God had in store for me next.

When I think back to when I married Joe and I would dream about my future, it never looked like this! And I thank God that it isn't! I'm sure I gave God a good belly laugh when he saw my "plans for the future." They just were not what was destined for me.

I am so grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. new friends
2. hot tea
3. the changing of the seasons
4. routine
5. new adventures

Direction

Direction. Leading to a place or point.

Do you have direction in your life?

Right now I don't have a sense of direction. I think it's because I feel as if I don't have anything that is "my own" right now. When you have a spouse in seminary, it is pretty hard. (Especially if they travel out of town once a week to school.)

I just have to keep the prize in mind that this time next year he will be finished with school!

I am so busy keeping up with my job, the house and the kids that I am a little lost. Have you ever felt that way? What has helped you come out and find your direction? I would love to hear from you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Mickey Mouse
2. ice water
3. encouragement on a work project
4. performing arts camp
5. grapes

A Relaxing Day

I took a day off and stayed home with my men. We slept in, the boys made pancakes and we went on a hike at Rockhound State Park. I played on Facebook way too much and am finishing dinner. It's been such a relaxing day.

I think we don't do that often enough. You know, throw up the white flag and just surrender.

In order to live a complete life in Christ we have to surrender to Him everyday. I try to start my day, before my feet even hit the ground, by surrendering to God. I pray that all I do is for His glory. I fall short of the mark often, but when I do give everything up to Him, my days are better.

I am struggling with worry. It can be crippling when the Enemy sneaks in and grabs you where you are most vulnerable.

God has not left me hanging out to dry yet. I have to keep telling myself and beleiving and praying that His will be done.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a recipe by Emeril
2. apple pie
3. the outdoors
4. Bear in the Big Blue House
5. snuggling

100th Post!

I actually made it to my 100th post! Do I have anything awe inspiring to share today? Unfortuately not, but I do have a reminder to myself.

I am human.

I get scared.

I get stressed out.

I get angry.

God uses me regardless.

My oldest had surgery last Thursday and is now home and doing very well. (When you have a bleeding disorder, surgery can be even more stressful than usual.)

The funny thing is that everything came to a head yesterday. I felt all the stress, the anger and the exhaustion of staying in the hospital for 4 days straight. I was in the worst mood ever! At least I could see it and admitted it, but I hated how I felt.

I started questioning everything in my life. "How could God call me to be a Christian speaker? How can I lead a womens ministry at my church? I am being such a lousy mom because I am so short tempered...a "good, Christian woman" would never be this way..............." I know, I know. It's Satan taking advantage of me.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1 Peter 5:6-7

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. getting things done
2. copy machines
3. prayer warriors
4. my own pillow
5. my "laundress" aka mother in law!

The Jones'

In our society it is so hard to not focus on what everyone else has or what everyone else is doing. Being the wife of a minister, I find that I question myself quite a bit. "What if I don't......, What if I decide to not complete this study....., What if, What if."

"Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." John 21:20-21

Perhaps a bible study we are participating in is not where we need to be. Doubt can cloud our mind as to whether or not we are worthy enough or smart enough to be there, but actually, it may not be God's time for us to hear that message.

How do we discern where we need to be? Do we rely on what our neighbor is doing? Do we rely on what the church is "expecting" of us? No. Absolutely not. We must rely on God speaking to us. We need to continue to practice being still to hear His word.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Gabe, my personal trainer, aka the "Workout Nazi"
2. Albondigas (meatball soup)
3. preparing for our annual trip to the NHF meeting
4. plants
5. my husband, pushing me through my low points

Anxiety

I used to think my mom was crazy, when in fact she was having an anxiety attack. I mean, is that real? Do people really have attacks of anxiety?

Yes. I know. From personal experience.

Everyone get anxious about one thing or another, from time to time. But someone who suffers from anxiety can deal with attacks often. Sometimes daily, or several times a week.

I am fighting off an attack as I type this in hopes that I can pray through it and offer all I have to God.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

When I am about to take a big step in faith, anxiety will come on to me. I know it's really Satan trying to get his way with me when I have the least bit of doubt, but what I truly know is that if I am listening to God and being obedient to Him, I am moving in the right direction.

I am currently working on my marketing materials for my speaking ministry and it is all becoming real. It is really a bit scary...to put yourself out there not knowing the response you will get. But I know in my heart I am going where God is leading me.

I pray that all my actions and words will ooze Christ in all that I do.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a vacation day
2. a clean baby blanket
3. crisp, morning air
4. my reading glasses
5. highlighters

His Hooks Are In Me

I woke up not feeling right. Physically. I got the boys up and went to church, but I couldn't concentrate in Sunday School. I was coming down with a fever and just started to feel awful. Not today! It's Father's Day! I had plans on making a great dinner and dessert for my husband, but it just didn't happen.

I slept and my husband brought me soup and made dinner for the boys.

Today was also the day I was going to spend a good deal of time finishing my presentations for "She Speaks."

Well, Satan has just gotten hold of me good today. I feel like he put his meat hooks in me and I have doubted myself all day. I have been so busy traveling with work that I haven't had time to devote to my presentations. Maybe I shouldn't be going....am I going to be ready...will I make a fool of myself?

My friend pointed it out to me that Satan just saw an easy target in me today. It still makes it hard to ignore him and do what God has intended. But I know for a fact, that I can withstand anything the devil will bring on.

Those of you out there who are are doubting, don't forget The One who loves you and believes in you. Don't listen to Satan. Tell him "Get gone, Devil! I don't have time for you!" We need to always be strong in Christ! Don't doubt the plans the Lord has for you.