Is Blood Really Thicker than Water?

My son asked me when I celebrated my favorite Thanksgiving. Without hesitation I told him that it was when we moved to New Mexico (almost six years ago). We had about 20 people over for dinner at our little rental house in the mountains and I had never felt such closeness and joy. I was trained to think that the only people you could really be close to you were your blood relatives. It has taken me years to let go of that perception. The fact is, I have a few friends who I am extremely close to. Friends who understand me for who I am and what I can offer (because I am definitely not the person I was 10 years ago….Thank You God!) And friends who accept my children for who they are with their bleeding disorder (and aren't afraid of them).

You always think that your family (blood relatives) are the people who are closest to you in your life. I grew up assuming that. You never miss a birthday or a holiday...they are the first ones you call when an important event in your life happened and when one was in need, you were there to help them out...no matter what. I used to have that. And I miss it.

Unfortunately that changed many years ago for me. It was a terrible time. Fights, arguments, misunderstandings, letters of apology sent, continued prayer….and no response. I will admit it is something I think of almost daily.

I've experienced love like I never dreamed from people who are not "blood." It can really happen. It keeps me going. From the friend encouraging me to get back to Zumba, the friends who sent me flowers when I was in the hospital, to the friend who named my children in her will. It's amazing how people love.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Toasted pumpkin seeds
2. Wounds healing
3. Spray adhesive
4. Pretty paper
5. Cold evenings

Spunky!

I had the privilege of speaking at the Sangre de Oro Family Education Weekend this afternoon. I was able to share my story of living with hemophilia as well as sharing about doubt and joy in living with a chronic condition.

They were the spunkiest group of people I have ever presented to! They were just too funny when I had them participate in a group exercise where we learned about what is most important in our lives...people, things, roles we play and activities we enjoy...I'll share more about that activity another time.

I am so blessed that for the past two weekends I have been able to share this message of "From Doubt to Joy."

And I am preaching tomorrow on 1 Thessalonians :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Room service
2. Choir concerts
3. Naps
4. Realizations
5. New friends

Who Do You Talk To?

Who do you talk to the most? Your spouse, best friend….what about yourself? I think we spend most of our best and worst conversations with ourselves. It has made me wonder, as I have been in a weekly Bible Study on prayer, what our attitude is like when we speak to ourselves? Don’t we realize who else is listening? Yes, God. He is with us always.

Of course, we are not going to always have “holy” thoughts and we will find plenty of times where we are beating ourselves up in our head, being negative, and judging like nobody’s business. We have to think about what kind of thoughts we have and the attitude which we think them.

Are those thoughts pleasing to God?

I want to make it a goal to put a better attitude on what is going on in my head. Instead of judging the person I am walking past, I need to pray for them, because I have no idea what they may be dealing with. When I start to beat myself up because of my weight, I start to pray and thank God for my body, because it is a gift from Him and no one else is made exactly like me. I am unique and special in the eyes of God. When I get upset or angry at a person/situation, I need to turn those feelings into prayer for the person/situation at hand.

It’s not easy being a Christian. We need to work at being an example to those who do not know Christ. We want them to “want what we have” and their search may start with our example. Let Christ’s light shine through you in all circumstances.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. hotel coffee
2. waterfalls
3. report cards
4. a new truck
5. flip flops

A Speaking Gig!

I am really excited about this weekend! I'll be speaking at an event in Fargo, North Dakota on Saturday. I'll be at the "Dakotas Retreat" for famiies with bleeding disorders presenting "From Doubt to Joy - Making the Most of Every Day."

I would appreciate any good thoughts and prayers as I deliver this message to a community of people I am so passionate about.

This is the kind of opportunity I dream of and am so grateful that I am able to share my experiences with others in the bleeding disorder community.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. new opportunities
2. being pneumonia free!
3. being busy and excited again
4. new magazines in the mailbox
5. a new prayer journal

Praying in the Messiness of Life - week 1

Last night was our first Ladies Bible Study for the Fall at First United Methodist in Truth or Consequences. Our study for this session is "Praying in the Messiness of Life," by Linda Douty. I have really enjoyed the book as I read through it on my own and am looking forward to sharing it with this wonderful group of women.

In the introduction, Linda quotes Steve Garnaas-Holmes, and if this is the only thing the women of our group take away from this study, then their time will have been well spent. I just have to share it with you.

"As you sit in prayer
and try to remain mindful of God,
failing because your thoughts wander,
remember this:
that God is perfectly mindful of you always,
attentive to your being and your doing,
never straying from your heart
not missing s single breath,
or forgetting a single heartbeat.
God is never distracted, never forgets.
Without neglecting anything else in Creation,
for all of Creation is present in God,
God is fully present to you,
seeing not from afar but from within
your journeys, thoughts and feelings,
holding tenderly your sins and wounds,
delighting in your gifts and beauties,
fully aware of what you yourself
only dimly suspect deep within you.
God is in all that you see, and in your seeing,
in what you hear, and in your hearing,
in your wondering, in your sorrow, in your awe.
God is grateful for you, and delights in you.
God longs in you, grieves in you, exults in you.
God gives full peaceful, loving attention to you
all your day and all through the night,
not controlling or manipulating,
just beholding, blessing, loving
and breathing life into you,
powerful, joyful, beautiful, infinite life,
granting you mindfulness
and mindful always of you."

Steve Garnaas-Holmes, "God is Mindful," Unfolding Light, 9/21/2010

No Control

I have been sick for over two weeks, been to the doctor three times and the emergency room twice…. I officially had pneumonia and landed in the hospital for four days. I am finally home where I belong :)

Sometimes it takes extreme circumstances to make you slow down and think. What is important? My email at work or my health? Getting a mail-out completed or my health? Running off to band rehearsal an hour away or my health?

This pneumonia has scared me. People die from pneumonia. I have a replacement for my upcoming speaking engagement if I need to cancel in North Dakota on the 15th and the English Horn part will just not get played in the concert on the 16th. I've decided to not play the concert next week.

I just need to take it one day at a time and the next right thing will happen, not in my time, but His.

I've taken a few things off of my plate for the next couple of weeks and feel a huge sense of relief. I have to get well.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. IV antibiotics
2. Rain
3. My church family
4. The clicking of my nails on the keyboard
5. A home-cooked dinner delivered by a good, Christian woman

The School Yard

I spent a lot of time at school. Not just as a student and band director, but as the child of a reacher's aide and an elementary school principal. Many days after school were spent in the workroom where my mom worked (the same elementary which I attended) and more than a few Saturday's were at the school where my Dad served as an elementary principal.

My Dad was not an "ordinary" principal. You would never see him in khakis, it was always a nice suit with a freshly startched shirt and very nice shoes. I can still smell his closet. Hanging bags from the cleaners with the smell of fresh starch. His shoes needed to be resoled constantly because he walked so much that he made holes in his shoes. He wasn't a "sit behind your desk" kind of principal. You rarely caught him there. You never saw the flowerbeds on his campus looking shabby and there was never dirt on the walkways. As for litter, you just did not see any. Inside or out, he would reach down without missing a step to pick it up. It's not that he had a huge janitorial staff (just his right hand man Walter). He just took enormous pride in his school and the people in it everyday.

His faculty and staff were some with great longevity and finding an open position to work at Burnet Elementary was close to impossible. No one would leave because he was wonderful to work for. Don't get me wrong, he was tough, but fair and very smart. He was passionate about children and education and not many men in my life can compare to him.

Now that my "Christian" is in kindergarten and I am at the school everyday, my mind often goes back to those Saturday mornings. I feel the dirt on the sidewalk and think "that should have been swept.". I see the flowerbeds needing attention and thinking "someone needs to clean those up.". And I recently saw a piece of litter dancing in the breeze on the playground and felt my Dad whispering "I love you, Sandy."

Gonzalo Campos
January 10, 1928 - October 7, 2007

Slowing Down

So. Incredibly. Sick.

I've been in bed for four days. Four days of daytime television. Four days of keeping my distance from my family. I did work a good part of the day today, from bed, and I am exhausted. The only cure for my illness, other than some great medication, has been rest. Slowing down and resting.

The only thing about slowing down and taking yourself out of commission is that other things suffer. The kitchen is crazy, the laundry piles up, and schedules get changed at the last minute.

Yes, the world will continue to turn as I am laid up in bed, and many things will just wait for me. I have a feeling Monday will be a little crazy :)

I am preparing to teach a Bible Study beginning next Tuesday evening and have tons going on at work, including a couple of speaking engagements in October. It's a very exciting time, I am just wanting to feel 100%. I think the Lord is having me slow down so that I can "speed up" these next few weeks.

Blessings to you all.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hamburger patties
2. Showers
3. Antibiotics
4. A husband who takes care of everything when I am sick
5. Brazil trip ????

So much….

I have so much going on in my head and heart right now that I can't even put things into words. I'll be back soon…

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Delayed flights
2. A great business meeting
3. A good steak
4. Smell good lotion
5. Polka dots

What is Holding You Back?

Do you find yourself assuming you have another day? What is keeping you from living today to its fullest? I have several projects waiting to be started and I keep assuming I am going to have plenty of time to complete them. I have come to realize that I need to live my life with more intention...as if I was going to meet my Creator tomorrow. Recently, a couisin of mine, in his thirties, went out with his wife to a party, came home went to sleep and never woke up. He left behind a wife and two small children. It is still hard to grasp that he is gone.

I want to leave a mark on the lives of my children. I want them to remember the craziness in our house...the giggling, the singing and the laughing. I want to write letters to them to let them know how much they mean to me, so that when I am gone, a small piece of me is left behind.

What is holding me back? Maybe it's fear. Fear of what is to come after I die. I know that I will see God one day and that He has already forgiven me of my sins, and He loves me more than I can imagine...I just want Him to see me arrive at those "pearly gates" and have Him embrace me. I want to feel the embrace with every part of my being. I can't wait for the aroma of Christ to envelop me.

I don't know what plan Christ has for me, but I do know it's a big one (Jeremiah 29).

What I do know is that I need to live a life pleasing to Christ. Accepting others despite their past and living in a state of forgiveness. It's a tall order, but I am striving to surrender myself every single day to Him.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. gas station coffee
2. hearty laughs
3. basic black
4. pipe cleaner bracelets
5. cardstock

The Tooth

As the mother of a child with hemophilia, you always dread the call from the nurse at school. What in the world happened today?! Friday afternoon, with an hour of school left, I received that call. Actually, it was the school secretary (she steps in when the nurse is away from the clinic). My "Christian" was enjoying his afternoon snack and when he bit into his orange, his tooth fell out! There was not any blood and all seemed well, but I told the secretary to let the teacher know I was on my way to make sure everything was okay (mainly to ease their minds….they are still getting familiar with hemophilia). I walk in and here comes the teacher at the end of the hallway with Christian and his buddy "Jason". They were coming from outside. They were looking for his tooth that he dropped on the playground! Like a needle in a haystack :)

That sweet teacher went out of her way, and into the afternoon heat, to try and help my boy find his little tooth (so completely not in her job description). My heart was overwhelmed with that act of kindness. I reassured Christian that we would leave a note for the tooth fairy and all would be well (the tooth fairy did stop by the next evening).

I give thanks to the teachers who teach my children. From learning to sit and focus on an activity for a few minutes to conjugating the newest Spanish verb, I don't know what I would do without these men and women.

Teachers are not paid enough and not respected enough. We are surrounded by people who are giving information and pushing us to believe a certain way. But some of our biggest heroes are the men and women in classrooms day in and day out. Working after the last bell rings for the day and even on the weekends. Paying for supplies out of their own pockets and making sure every child understands a new concept. Going the extra mile to make sure each child feels special.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Playing music
2. Incense
3. Lunch with friends
4. A new playlist on my iPod
5. Plastic hangers

A Surprising Package

A package came in the mail this week. It was addressed to my fifteen year old and it was from Disney. What in the world would he be getting from Disney? We did just come back from a fantastic vacation at Disneyworld, but what could this be? It was his wallet!


The wallet he lost that he never thought he would see again. It even had the $42 dollars he left in it! We were so surprised. When he lost the wallet and we retraced our steps in Disney, I kept trying to reassure him that it just might show up. Being the teenager he is, he wrote it off and was pretty upset that he lost his last bit of “mad money.” I tried to be positive and encouraging telling him that there are still good people in the world. “Someone just may turn in your wallet” I told him. “Why would anyone turn in a wallet with money?” he asked. I answered, “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Yes, there are still good people in the world who have high morals and great work ethics. There are individuals who open the doors for each other, put the shopping cart in the “corral” in the store parking lot, and let the person behind them with one item go in front of them at the grocery store.

Many of us believe that the world is filled with more evil than good. Is that true? What happens when a friend is not who they seem to be and reveal an ugly side to their being? What happens when a family member disowns you and you lose contact for years on end? That’s when you have to stop and really look at what you have learned.

Perhaps new friends come into your life who truly need you and your friendship. And that family member you haven’t talked to in years may have been holding you back from your best. Despite a bad situation, good can arise if you are willing to keep an open mind.

There is good in the world. Keep your eyes open. Be part of it.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. watermelon
2. packages
3. people taking a chance
4. the small glimpses of the changing season
5. being positive

Women's Bible Study

I have been looking for a Bible Study for our women's group and I finally found the one.

Praying in the Messiness of Life, by Linda Douty

The book focuses on praying, but not in the traditional sense. Linda tells us that "traditional" devotional time is not always the best way, or the only way to commune with Christ. We have to find ways to pray and be in devotion throughout the craziness of our busy lives. And when she presents the different types of prayer, it's amazing to see how we can truly "pray without ceasing" throughout our days.


I am loving this book. It is exactly what I was looking for.


I know I am not the only one who wants to have a special devotional time, and is not able to make it work the way I want to. I am tired of feeling guilty about not have a perfect schedule each day by waking up, sitting with my coffee and spending quality time with Christ. Don't get me wrong, if you do this and it works for you, FANTASTIC! It used to work for me, but I am needing something different and am looking forward to studying this book with other women.


What works best for you in the way of daily devotions?


Today I Am Thankful For:


1. 65 degrees in the mountains


2. A spotless house


3. Scented candles


4. Digital cameras


5. Unopened boxes

So Many Things

After a vacation, reality hits in a huge way. Getting back into the swing of life takes some time. Our vacation to Florida was truly one of the first times in a very long time that we were truly away from everything. No work email, no conference calls, nobody pulling my husband from one end to the other.

Now we face the many things in our lives that need attention.

The kids school
The work emails and tasks to complete
The hubs and "Lance" going to Albuquerque once a week for Boy Choir rehearsals
Writing for the newspaper (my little freelance gig)
Finding a Bible Study for the fall
Getting ready to start my Seminary classes again
Upcoming business trips
A speaking gig in October
Finding that quality time with God everyday

Why has that been so hard for me? To find my quality time with Christ? To stop and devote part of my day to the One who has blessed me beyond measure?

It's almost as if I am afraid.

Sometimes I think that I am not worthy of Christ giving me time. That I am not important enough. Sound familiar? The "unworthy" feeling?

I know Christ loves me more than I can begin to imagine. It's a love that is deep, real and passionate.

When we are blessed beyond measure and things are going well, it's easy to feel as if we don't need that time in devotion to Christ. That's when we need to be in full connection with the Creator of the Universe.

We tend to forget that at the snap of our fingers, our lives can change.

The next time my fingers snap, I want to know that my relationship with Him is in place. A relationship filled with friendship and an undying love for each other.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Frozen hamburgers to throw on the grill
2. My new Blackberry (for work)
3. Patient colleagues
4. A little less humidity
5. An early shower

When You Wish...part 2

We are some tired puppies! Day two of theme parks completed! I was worried about "Christian" keeping up with his ankle problems, but so far so good. Roller coasters, simulated rides, Hogwarts...we are having a great time:) We sat down to dinner tonight (at the Give the Kids the World Village) and a huge revelation came over me. My family's biggest worry is how to get in all of the rides and attractions we want to see in the next few days (while avoiding the possible hurricane) and sitting next to us at dinner is a family with a child who is a parapalegic. Another child in the dining room is wearing a leg brace with a strap around her waist for someone to assist her as she walks and other children are wearing caps over their hairless little heads. They have and are continuing to struggle.

Yes, my Christian and Lance have their struggles too, but I will take our struggles any day and make the best of what each day brings.

Each member of my family can walk, sweat and keep up with each other while enjoying ourselves. And when we need to slow down, we do. We love each other like no one else possibly could. This "wish" trip has given me the opportunity to see true, pure joy on the faces of my children. That is a huge gift. It is something I haven't slowed down enough to see lately...and I am grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Rain
2. Soft, chocolate chip cookies
3. A racing heart (after a thrill ride)
4. Bright colors
5. Swimming pools

When You Wish....part 1

Did you ever wish upon a star? Maybe you looked up in the night sky, saw that special twinkle in the night, and wished for something...to be famous, for a new television, to have a talent like none other.

Sometimes our wishes are big (maybe they even qualify for big dreams) and other times they are simple and unassuming.

Children with chronic illnesses struggle in so many ways and there is an organization called "Make a Wish" that helps to grant these children's wishes.

My "Christian" was referred by a member of our hemophilia treatment center and we are now in our "villa" at the "Give Kids the World" resort in Kissimmee, Florida. It is absolutely unbelievable. Not just the fact that our family is here, but the love that has been shown to us by complete strangers. At this resort, you are treated like kings and queens and for a moment in time, your child is "given the world" and in this case, "the world of Disney."

Some of these families have never been on this kind of trip and would possibly never have the opportunity to take this kind of trip. You have absolutely no worries about getting from one place to the other, food, entertainment, the whole bit.

Another amazing thing is that is takes over 1,500 volunteer time slots for one week to make the "GKTW" Village run. These people are giving their time to make our family have an experience we will never forget.

Sometimes it's just too much to accept and let sink in.

Hope

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Lately I've felt a little "hope" less. Not exactly sure why, because so many things are going well, but for the first time in a long time I am seeing glimmers of hope.

The funny thing is, is that it's not even been my depression that has sucked the hope out of me, I think it's just been complacency. Day in, day out. Off to work, back home to cook dinner, clean the kitchen, kids in the bath, etc. Sometimes I forget to see the beauty in each day.

It's that same complacency that has taken me away from my daily time with God. My life was always better when my daily quiet time was a priority. It's something I am trying to find my way back to.

I am looking forward to some time off with my family. We are getting ready to leave town to work a charity golf tournament and then off to Disneyworld! I am expecting to have some well needed, quality time with my family.

Blessings to you all. I'll be back soon.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Short, short hair!
2. Pencil lead
3. Baskets of laundry
4. Expectations
5. surrender

Feeling Cold

No, it's not cool where I live, quite the opposite. Living in the desert with a swamp cooler during monsoon season is not enjoyable. I am pretty tired of the heat and our family is going to Florida on vacation in 12 days! I am ready for winter. I want to wear fleece and sweatpants and my fuzzy boots. It's a nice thought, but quite a ways off.

My spiritual life is what I call "cold" right now. It's kinda freakin' me out. My "Christian" has been in the hospital and I did not spend time in prayer throughout even as difficult a time as it was. Work is going very well, I am writing a monthly column for the local paper and writing some freelance pieces (and getting paid for them), we are going on a trip to Disneyworld in 12 days as part of the Make-a-Wish program….I have a lot going for me and my family, yet I have a coldness where my faith and spiritual life is concerned.

Usually someone will go about their life, all is well, and they forget to give thanks to the Creator...until something bad happens. Then all of a sudden they are on their knees pleading with the Creator to help them. I don't know why I am in this place. I know one thing for sure is that I don't like it. I know that I am in a place that can become dark and lonely.

I need to find my way back to the presence of God.

On Facebook this evening, one of my friends wrote, "I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for."

Jesus revels in our presence as much as we do His. Each and every one of us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. finished projects
2. our new dog, Betty
3. fans
4. cold showers
5. padded envelopes

Not the Best Idea

I am no good without my family together.

The hubs and "Christian" are still in the hospital (he took over on Tuesday evening) and me and "Lance" are here at home. Lance is finishing up his 9th grade year online and I am trying desperately to catch up with work. I spent 6 days at the hospital and welcomed the break, but my heart is with him, two hours away.

I can't stand being without my guys all together.

What seemed to be the practical, sensible choice, has turned into sadness for me. I know there is nothing I can do sitting in the hospital, but I can be there to comfort my son when he is being poked while searching for an IV. I can go with him to the playroom and take him for walks to keep him occupied. I know my husband is doing all of those things, but I miss them terribly.

Our mojo is completely thrown off.

Christian is supposed to come home tomorrow.

I can't wait to hug their guts :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Skype
2. New cabinet doors
3. Old movies
4. Postage meters
5. Rearranging furniture

The Mind Is a Terrible Thing.....

I am sitting here in the hopsital, day number 4, and we are not leaving until Friday. I am feeling sorry for myself. Guilty for missing so much work this year (I used quite a bit of sick time for myself and my "Christian") and worried about perceptions at my work. My husband and "Lance" are teaching a camp and have no replacements, so I have to be the one at the hospital with Christian.

I just went to get ice for my drink down the hall and in the nourishment room was another mom. She was very friendly, said hello, asked how my day was and I mentioned that all was well and we were staying longer than imagined. She said, "Yes, I understand. We have been here 3 1/2 weeks……."

That's when I wanted to slap myself.

I am on a floor with very, sick children. A 6 month old passed away over the weekend. I thank God for my Christian and that he is doing well. We are here mainly for precautions, not severe complications from his surgery. I think I needed some perspective and God delivered it through that mom.

When you are alone in a hospital room with a five year old, your mind can wander and make more of situations than they actually are. You can destroy relationships and imagine the worst in a matter of minutes.

All I can say, is that I have to do the next right thing.

I have to remember that the God of the Universe loves me just the way I am.

I have to remember that there will always be work to do, but the moments we have caring for our children will slip away in an instant.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. warm socks
2. playrooms
3. styrofoam cups
4. trays
5. ice machines

Why?

The eternal question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is a hard one to answer.

There is one situation that comes to mind when I hear this question. It involves my best friend from school and the car accident that completely changed her life. Why did she go through that trauma? Why is her life so markedly different that what she expected? Why did this happen to her?

We lost a cousin this week. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and two young children. Why did this happen? Why are these children not going to grow up with their Daddy?

And the most significant question I have is "Why does my five year old have to suffer with his hemophilia?" Yesterday was absolutely the worst day ever with his hemophilia (you can read about it here). "Why does my precious son have to endure constant infusions, hospitalizations, and pain? What did he do for this to be his reality"?

I don't think God "designates" a person to have a medical condition or "lot" in life. It's not something we can ever understand (this is a complete other blog posting….).

What I do know is that God was present in our terrible day today. He was there when Christian came back from his x-rays to a new, red fire truck. God was there when the Child Life worker came in to calm him down while playing with an iPad. And God was with us when the hematologist looked at me and simply said "he needs a new port."

Everything happens for a particular reason and I am glad the events of the day unfolded the way they did. Even though we are in the hospital for several days, we are definitely where we need to be.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Good IV's
2. Cookies and milk
3. A shower after a day of running around
4. Darkness
5. Suitcase surprises

Being Treated Badly

I am trying to deal with being treated badly.

The short story is that a doctor from our Hemophilia Treatment Center was beyond rude to our family, during a bleed with our five year old, while out of town. He judged us and reprimanded us without knowing our situation.

We are writing a grievance to the hospital against this doctor, who we found out is the main oncologist. The head of the department. He just "helps" out with hemophilia because he has to.

He's not heard the last from us.

One of his colleagues called us to schedule a meeting (I think more damage control than anything) next Tuesday.

I refuse to let these doctors instill doubt in me where the care of my son is concerned. Friday night I was a complete mess while at the emergency room in San Francisco because of what this unprofessional doctor had said to our family. I left the ER with a passionate doctor telling me we were doing everything right.

You never know what a person is dealing with. The kind of day they had, maybe a family pet recently died, they are having a bad time at work, they are in fear of losing their job or maybe they have been out of work for months.

You can't always judge by what things look like on the outside.

Be aware of what you say and how you treat others.

You could just make their day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. My portable swamp cooler2. Preparing for a business trip
3. The breeze on the bay in San Francisco
4. Clean tables
5. The companionship my sweet, Sheltie, Rosie gave our family for the past 10 years.

The Journey

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

My First Passion

I remember the day my sister brought my instrument home for me. Her band director wanted me to play the oboe, so I did. I was in 5th grade and haven't stopped playing since.

I taught band for 13 years and free lanced in the Greater Houston area from the age of 18 to up to 5 years ago. When we moved to New Mexico, the opportunities dried up. I only played occasionally at church.

Music was (is) my first passion. I was a "band kid" all throughout school. I went to all the auditions, the extra contests and took private lessons from a man in the Houston Symphony. Music defined a big part of who I was becoming.

I found a local group (an hour away) and auditioned for the director. The Mesilla Valley Concert Band. I have rehearsed the past three nights and will perform in a concert this morning. I've been in heaven! I've even been playing the English Horn parts which I absolutely love to play.


Sometimes you have to reconnect with a long, lost passion. Honestly, I was a little scared, but I am sure glad I walked through it and went after it. Time moves fast. We can think and dream about things that made us happy, so why not move on it and reconnect?




Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The repair man in Las Cruces who got my instruments in shape
2. Good reeds
3. My double instrument stand
4. 10 minute breaks
5. Stars and Stripes

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Source: Teaching With Fire

Let Go (part 4 of 4)

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the plans I have made.

Christian has an appointment on Monday.
I've made travel arrangements to San Francisco and Chicago in July.
I am assisting at a memorial service tomorrow.
My husband and I are planning a vacation next year.

Those things may or may not come to happen. Regardless, I need to live in the moment and not tie myself up completely in what is to come.

What about the things that are happening right now?

I want to truly "cherish" myself. I want to love myself unconditionally and accept who I am right now, at this moment. When I think about past mistakes and broken relationships, it is very easy to doubt my decisions and my whole being.

I want to fear less and love more. Especially to love myself.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. holding babies
2. potato salad
3. Scotch tape
4. air conditioners
5. pizza night

Nothing in this World

When you look at your children everything else you have done in your life pales in comparison.

The craziness of a project at work

Misunderstandings

Getting the house painted

Continually picking up after your family

Arguments

Relationships

Love

We can make lists for days about the things that bother us, the things we want to change, the good and the bad. But if you are a parent, the bottom line is that nothing in this world compares to being part of a child's life.

Today, my family celebrates my 15 year old son, "Lance". He came into this world at 9:56 pm on June 23, 1996 and my world has never been the same.

He has taught me about choo-choo trains, bugs, coloring inside the lines, how to eat a juicy grape, watching Disney movies, art, music, bullies, hemophilia, and finding an inner strength I never knew I had.

My life truly began when he was born. I have done and felt things I never dreamed possible. The most amazing thing I've learned how to do is love.

When the doctor placed him on my chest after he was just born, I felt as if I was about to suffocate. I didn't understand at that moment, but came to realize that feeling was love in a way I had never experienced. A full, smothering, all encompassing love.

How do you love someone you just barely met?

God makes that happen.

He brings these little creatures into our lives to change us. To make us more human. To show us how He loves us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. marble cake
3. curly bows
4. surprises
5. love

Things

There was a huge estate auction in our little town this past weekend. The hubs and I decided to go check it out. You just never know what you will find.

I was a little disappointed because I just didn't see anything that spoke to me. Not that I was looking for anything in particular, but just looking. I was standing in the middle of the warehouse filled wall to wall with "stuff" and I got a little sad. I wondered who cherished these belongings at one time. Why did they come to auction? Did the owner get sick, pass away, have a difficult ending to their life?

Then I started to think about the legacy they left. Was it all of their "stuff" that was being picked over by strangers, or did they leave a legacy of love and faith to the ones they loved?

I remember going to pick up items from my Dad's house when he passed away a few years ago and when I was leaving the house had about six boxes of "stuff" left. Mainly things my mom had held on to for one reason or another. You wonder why people hang on to certain things. Of course we hold on to things that are useful and necessary, but what about the sentimental things, or the things that were given to us by someone and we only hold on to it because they were a gift?

I am in a season of "throwing" things out. Donating what I can and cleaning house. I don't want to have "stuff" in every corner of my home that is not used.

Most importantly, I want to fill my life with love. I want it to be measured through the way I speak to my family, how I carry out my faith, and how I love others.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. single serve coffee
2. reusable water bottles
3. celebrating my husband
4. droopy plants
5. bows

Let Go (part 3 of 4)

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

Being "in the middle" in not a comfortable place. I have a situation at work where I am in the middle and one person on the other side is not happy. When your gut instinct tells you to do or say something, you need to follow it! Sometimes it will help to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A good night's sleep
2. Excitement
3. Unopened boxes
4. Plants
5. Surprises

Being in love...with yourself!

A new show on the OWN network started and I recorded it. Not sure what to expect, I watched it during lunch yesterday and was really taken back. It's a documentary/reality show following Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York.

It was very interesting, and a little hard to watch. The show chronicles the ups and downs she has been through, most recently her accepting money to give info on her ex-husband, and Dr. Phil and Suze Orman are working with her.

This woman, who was the focus of a royal wedding, in the public eye, two beautiful daughters, Lady Diana's best friend, can't even look in the mirror at herself because she has no sense of self worth. I can identify all too well with the way she feels.

I know within my heart that God loves me exactly as I am and that I should do the same. But so often, that inner, ugly self talk will get you into trouble.

When she was meeting with Suze Orman, Suze said "I am in love with myself!" Now that is amazing. It is a lesson we should all take to heart. We need to be "in love with ourselves." God intended for us to be as we are. I'm not saying we should give up in our quest to be healthy and take care of ourselves, but despite where we are in our journey, we need to give ourselves a little grace, look in the mirror and say "Ta-Da"!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pudding
2. A loud television
3. Crooked pictures
4. Tee ball
5. Running water

When I Grow Up

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

The person who makes the first phone call to let a family that a wish (Make-a-Wish Foundation) will be granted for their child.

I received that call on Friday morning. It was a moment I can hardly put into words.

It started a couple of months ago when the social worker at our Hemophilia Treatment Center had given me a call and asked if I had her permission to refer my little "Christian" to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I was a little stunned because I had always thought of the Make-a-Wish as a foundation that gave wishes to children who were dying and extremely sick. I never think of hemophilia as "life threatening" but in actuality, it is. You just make it part of your life.

When the social worker started talking about why she immediately thought of Christian I started to think about everything he has gone through with his medical condition over the past four years. It's been very hard. My older son never had to deal with hemophilia the same way as his little brother. It's been a rough few years, and thankfully he is doing well.

I agreed to let her refer him, never thinking a wish would be granted, so when I received the call on Friday, I heard this sweet, young woman telling me who she was, why she was calling and that Christian will be receiving a wish. My mouth fell open, and tears were rolling down my face. I couldn't even breathe. The fact that someone, several people, thought of my Christian and our entire family, and "authenticated" our struggle was completely overwhelming.

I could hardly speak to her through my tears.

The next step is for a Make-a-Wish team to come and visit us and get to know Christian to determine the type of wish he wants. (I can guarantee it will have something to do with trains!)

More to come on this amazing blessing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. 800#'s
2. Unexpected, ugly tears
3. Compassion
4. Gluten free pizza (it was really good)!
5. dreams

Let Go (part 2 of 4)

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Making the most of myself.

Talk about hard to do!

Does making the most of myself mean being "supermom" and wife? Taking fantastic care of myself all the time? Spending time in devotion everyday and volunteering at church every spare minute? Not to forget becoming the most I can be in my 9 - 5 job?

That's where I mess up. I feel like I have to do everything well at the same time. Sometimes I just have to do the best I can and know that my heart is in the right place. That my efforts are well intentioned. It goes back to surrendering each day. Every day we get is a day we don’t' deserve. How do we spend it? We never know when our last day will be. When we will go on to meet the Father.

I plan on spending each day I get "making the most" of who I can be. It's not based off how much I do, but the spirit in which I do life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Decluttering
2. My son coming home tomorrow from choir tour!
3. Bottled water
4. Stacks of board games
5. Hard wood floors

Beloved

Honey, Sweetheart, Baby, Sugar...do you have a pet name for your spouse/partner/loved one?

I tend to call my sons "Chicky" and my husband too. It's just a little pet name showing them I love them. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be, it just did.

When I read Francine River's book, Redeeming Love (a must read), I was struck by how she set off the words God spoke to the characters. The Father would call them "Beloved."

Beloved.

A person who is dearly loved. This is a term of affection that was used in both the Old and New Testaments. It has a depth that seems to be absent in our society. I just love this word.

My husband is my "Beloved". I love him with every ounce of my being. He is beyond what a best friend could ever be to me (I jokingly call him my "Bestie") :)

I don't know if he knows how deeply I love him.

The amazing thing is, that despite how much we love our spouse/partner/loved ones, and how much they love us in return, God loves us more.

He loves us despite our flaws. I don't think we can even image the depth of His love for us. I think when we meet the Father face to face we will actually understand the amazing love that has been given to us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Phone calls from my son (while on choir tour)
2. Ministry in action
3. My Sheltie sleeping where the air vent hits her
4. Netflix
5. Cucumber scented candles

Blessings

What is a blessing?

The words of faith and hope a pastor speaks over a person?

A prayer?

A wonderful happening in your life?

Family and friends?

Something beautiful and more than words can describe?

Sometimes blessings are not wrapped up with a pretty bow. The biggest "blessing" in my life is actually wrapped in plain paper with a worn bow.


It's actually pretty ugly when you get down to it.

Hemophilia.

I believe that people afflicted with a bleeding disorder, or any chronic condition are pretty amazing. They are resilient and stronger than many.

The beauty of the blessing of hemophilia is in the actual "unwrapping" of the present. It's about the journey. The people whose paths you would have never crossed. The places to travel to learn. The confidence in sharing with another mom. And the strength it has brought to my marriage.

I am making the most I can of this blessing everyday with every breath I take. I thank God for blessing me with my boys and their condition. It has made me stronger than I ever dreamed I could be.

What's your biggest blessing?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of rain
2. Impromptu menu changes
3. Family decisions
4. Extension cords
5. New tablecloths

It's Cool When You Step Out in Faith

I've talked often about stepping out in faith. Meaning, following God's tug on your heart. Going where He is leading you and taking a chance when it logistically makes no sense.

I started writing a few years ago after we moved to New Mexico because, honestly, I was a little lonely and I had a lot to get out of my head. Blogging has turned out to be very cathartic for me in a way I never dreamed.

God put another idea in my head. He encouraged me to seek out a different avenue for my writing, so I wrote a proposal to our two local papers and one called me back! They are going to publish my writing once a month! Today was my first article.


When I considered doing this I figured the worst that would happen would be that no one would call. What harm is there in that? After I submitted my proposals, I wondered why I did that. What are they going to think of my writing? I don't have a background in literature or writing, I have a Music Education Degree! There are way more qualified people out there!

But I listened and am amazed.

Have you listened to the still, quiet nudge on your heart? Don’t ignore it.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of newspaper
2. Projects going well
3. Empty boxes
4. The whir of the swamp cooler
5. Joe coming home tomorrow!

Moving

I was up pretty early today for work, finished what I needed to do, and considered lying back down. But I decided to go to yoga class instead.

It was one of the best decisions I've made in quite a while.

I have to get moving. I'm tired of feeling tired and having my back tight. I also need to be a better example to my children. Already I am "feeling" my muscles from my movement this morning.

I like yoga because not only are you focusing on your body, but you work to quiet your mind as well. I find myself trying to tune out the world and when I am successful that little voice comes back in trying to make me feel guilty for taking an hour of time for myself.

Why do we do that to ourselves? If we do not take time to care for ourselves we are not good to the ones who need us. I've mentioned this scripture before and in Psalm 46:10 it reads "Be still and know that I am God." I believe that I know who God is, but it's the "being still" part that gets me every time. When I do slow down enough to veg on the sofa, I start to think about other things that need to be done and get up and start doing.

I remember hearing Maria Shiver talk about her family and how when she was a kid nobody "sat around." Everyone was outside playing games, and busy all of the time. Expectations were very high in the Kennedy home and inactivity was not accepted.

I think activity is great. It helps you find purpose, but constantly running around and not resting is not a good thing.


Sometimes we rest quite a bit, maybe even become a bit lazy, but do we rest in the stillness of God? That is something I need to work on everyday. Resting in the love of Christ. Accepting and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am enough just as I am right now.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my new Ninja!
2. a decent pen
3. Postal Express
4. the hum of a flourescent lamp
5. hats

Receiving

I remember when I was pregnant with my now five year old. It was a difficult pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. Not only was my husband having to care for our then 10 year old son, but also our cousin who was in high school. It was a very difficult time.

Our church had a ministry that cooked meals for those in need. When the woman who headed up the ministry asked my husband what days he preferred meals to be delivered, he refused. He told her we were too far away and that he would take care of everything. In turn, she said, "When I am standing before God and He asks me why I didn't follow through with my ministry, I am going to have to tell him that Joe MacDonald would not let me." Needless to say, Joe agreed to deliveries of meals for several weeks. They helped us out so much. It was a huge blessing.

I have a really hard time receiving gifts. Sounds crazy, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautifully wrapped present for my birthday, Mother's Day, and at Christmas, but when someone does something out of the blue for me, I have a hard time with it.

Tonight I received a gift that meant a lot.

A church member, who is a massage therapist, has wanted to "work on me" for several months. We finally found a time and last night I went for a soak and massage "on her." It was absolutely fantastic (and so needed)! It's not that she offered her services to me gratis, but the fact that she reached out to me. She is what I call an "oozer." She has a light that radiates from her. I describe her as an "Earth Mama" with a spirit open to the universe around her. She is way cool.

When she was working on me, I felt an energy from her. I know it was love. She gave of her time and talent freely to a person who was in need of a little spiritual renewal. I believe God tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear to give of herself.

I am so glad she listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great steak
2. smells of peppermint
3. mismatched tennis shoes
4. Fabuloso
5. magazines

Let Go (part 1 of 4)

Someone recently gave me a handout with some great words on "letting go". It is almost too much to take in at once, so I am going to unpack it over a few weeks.

Here's the first part:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
-Author Unknown

This is some powerful stuff.

Letting go is not something I do well. I am becoming more aware each day as my oldest child is about to turn 15 that he will be out of the house very soon. I am going to have to let him go.

I signed my 5 year old up for tee ball yesterday. He is growing up and I am having to let him be a boy and take risks despite his hemophilia. I am having to let him go.

All I can do is model what I think the best way to live your life is to my children and hope that they pick up a few good things and not the bad. I have to let go of what control I "think" I have.

I must admit that each day is a gift and that God has a plan. The outcome of every thing that I do is not completely in my hands. I try my hardest to surrender each day as I wake up to the Creator and thank Him for another day. ..that His will be done regardless of what I "want."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spontaneous "girls" lunch
2. Hats
3. Business cards
4. Impromptu visits
5. A fresh opportunity

The Way He Loves

During our recent hospital stay, I pulled my "Christian" around the hospital in a red wagon so we could try to keep the "cabin fever" away. As we were passing the big reception desk, a flyer taped to the desk caught my attention..."PCOS Seminar."

Most people would say I should not have seen that flyer. It was lying flat and not posted on a wall. I wasn't standing "at" the desk, so why did I see it? I'll tell you why, because God ordained it! He wanted me at that seminar!

PCOS is a "syndrome" that affects many women. It deals with insulin resistance in the body and I have lived with it for about 14 years (read more about PCOS here).

The physician presenting, from Colorado Springs, has begun a twelve session series regarding PCOS and is working to bring the "Advanced PCOS Institute" to the University of New Mexico. It sounds like an amazing program that manages this chronic condition.

I asked a question during the presentation and the doctor told me that the infertility clinic at UNM would work with me to start the process of this program and not have to "wait" for the program to come to UNM! (The crazy part is that I have an appointment with a specialist next week...the wrong kind).

God knows everything about us. The things that make us happy and sad, our fears, our deepest desires, and the shame so many of us carry around and buy into.

Every day I have to fight against the lies that the enemy plants in my head. Tonight, God let me in on a little something..there are women out there struggling with the exact same things I struggle with. We are not alone.

We are surrounded by others who have the same beliefs and struggles and we need to be there for each other. We need to learn to "struggle well."

And the coolest thing of all, God made himself known to me clearly tonight. He literally brought me to a place of acceptance. A place where I did not feel alone while in a room of strangers. It was a reminder that He never leaves me and loves me with a love I can't begin to comprehend.

Just the way He loves you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an organized binder
2. Avery labels
3. red flowers
4. wind chimes
5. I-25

My New Blog

Hemophilia has been in my life for almost 15 years.

I can honestly say that, other than my faith, the only reason I have gotten through some of the more difficult times with hemophilia is because of the moms and dads who have shared their lives and experiences with the same condition. Their words of wisdom and friendships have carried me through times when I did not think I could go on another step.

I have also had the great honor of being that mom who has helped others get through the difficult diagnosis of hemophilia. The times I have talked to those moms have been some of the favorite moments in my life.

There is so much to say as I am traveling through life raising two boys with hemophilia. My five year old has brought aspects of hemophilia to my life that I never dreamed I would encounter.

These experiences are dwelling in me and I just need to get them out (and hopefully start some discussion to let others know they are not alone).

Come and join me as I dedicate my new blog "2 Brothers with Hemophilia" to the journey of living with a chronic bleeding disorder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Blogger
2. Mary of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Designs
3. dusk
4. peanut butter sandwiches
5. homemade Italian dressing

Love Yourself Properly

My dear friend, Beth, passed this along to me. I wanted to share it with you.

Love Ourselves Properly
Thomas Mertonn

"We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give others."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Beth
2. New confidants
3. the journey
4. an unexpected "soak" at the springs
5. the sound of running water

Precious in His Sight

When I lived in Houston, I had several opportunities to hear Beth Moore teach at Houston's First Baptist Church (my home away from home as a musician and young college student). I had always heard of her but didn't really know who she was until I was in my early 30's. I went to one of her Tuesday night Bible studies and was absolutely blown away.

The person leading worship that night was Dennis Jernigan. I had no idea who he was at the time. He is an amazing musician and phenomenal worship leader. There was one song that touched me deeply. Profoundly. Before he sang the song, he told everyone in the sanctuary (a couple of thousand women) to close their eyes and imagine his voice was that of the Father's. These were the Father's words given to each and every one of us.

I've looked everywhere online and cannot find a recording to link up. If you are able to find the music/recording, you will be blessed.

When I try and hide and think no one is watching me, or listening to me, I am wrong. God is with me always.

When I think of myself as less than, ugly, worthless, etc. God thinks of me as the most beautiful creature on earth. The jewel in His crown.

He wants nothing more than a relationship with each of us.

Read these lyrics as if God the Father, Creator of the Universe, wrote them especially for you.

Precious Bride, Dennis Jernigan

Will you let me lead you
Take you to my side
If you saw how I see you
You would see the most beautiful, pure and holy bride

Did you know I know you
Even all you hide
Oh how I long to show you
Just how clean my blood redeemed and left you purified

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you let me love you

Will you let me fill you
With abundant life
Will you be a vessel
Giving freely from all you received glory and light

Woman will you love me
Embracing all I am
To me you are so lovely
Get to know me walk with me
Forever hand in hand

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you, let me love you

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A funky, new laptop bag
2. A three hole punch
3. My husband returning home safely
4. Late nights
5. Colleagues who give of themselves completely

What Goes Around Comes Around?

The national team I work on cares for people with bleeding disorders. Honestly, it is a business that involves big money. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have seen in the industry. Bottom line...ethics are not important for those looking to make money. The problem is, they see the money, not the patient. That is why our team is so successful...we have integrity. We have always done the right thing for the right reason and never forgotten that the patient is the reason we do what we do.

Several years ago I told one of my colleagues, after we lost quite a few patients due to an unethical competitor, that we just needed to keep on doing what we were doing because in the end, we would be rewarded. The patients would want us to take care of them because we truly cared for them. It just might take awhile.

It has proven to be true.

A good friend of mine is struggling. A close friendship of his has been shattered. Many ugly truths came to light and it was just not a good situation. He is stunned, saddened and even angry. Sometimes it's just hard to accept that some things are not as they appear to be.

Some call it having "karma." I think we toss the word karma around and simply think that if we do the right thing, the right things will happen to us.

The truth is,

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." Galatians 6:7-10 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sleeping in my own bed
2. A day of no fast food
3. A Monday full of work to look forward to
4. Styrofoam cups
5. Hospital bracelets

Passing the Time

I brought my little "Christian" into the hospital around 11:30 pm on Wednesday to Albuquerque (2 hours from home). He was in tons of pain with an ankle bleed that was not getting better despite our constant infusions. About 45 minutes into the drive I regretted not taking the ambulance. He was screaming in pain. Fortunately he finally fell asleep. Hearing his pain is the absolute worst.

We are still here and he is getting better slowly but surely.

I had really hoped we would be home today, but the best thing for him is to be here and heal.

My husband ran rehearsals, Thursday and Friday evenings and has a concert tonight and preaches Sunday morning….I'm on my own. But he just called and is sneaking away for a few hours before his concert to come see us! (After hours of Disney Junior and deep, stimulating conversation with a five year old, I am pretty excited that he is coming for a bit :)


Sitting and waiting can be a nice thing. You can read, surf the internet, nap, etc. but it can also be a dangerous thing.

My mind can be a dangerous neighborhood when I am there alone, you know what I mean?

Doubt creeps in about everything; I wonder if I am a good enough mother and wife, I start to beat myself up about my weight, do I portray the appropriate image and do all I need to do as the wife of a pastor, and I wonder if I had done things differently on any given day, would my little one have been able to avoid a bleed.

Talk about going crazy! The devil knows the best ways to creep into a believer's heart. He finds the areas of our lives where we are not completely happy. The areas of our lives that we strugle in and he has a field day.

Personally, I am not strong all the time. I am not an "oozer" 24/7, but I strive to be. It's those moments when I don't put Christ first in my heart, soul and mind that the devil takes root. At least I know when it's happening. So many people don't see it.

Maybe you can help someone open their eyes to the untruths that are in their heart.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The Child Life Playroom
2. crunchy, hospital bacon
3. Disney Junior
"4. Fresh fruit
5. Red wagons

Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)


Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

What I Don't Understand

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

What is on that old VHS?

My husband is on a mission to covert our old VHS tapes to DVD's. He's talked about it for years and has finally started the process. His collection is mainly of old skating videos (he has kept up with all the major figure skating events since 1984...it's his "football").

He told me that my Senior Oboe Recital was on tape and I didn't remember having it recorded!

We played it last night and it was absolutely bizarre.

I saw people I haven't thought about in years, but I remembered every bit of the music. It was a great recital because it wasn't only "oboe and piano", but also "English horn, trumpet, piano," "oboe duet", and "soprano, tenor and oboe."

I saw myself at 22, about to graduate college. I wanted to scream at her and tell a few things! Not that I regret my journey, but sometimes I look back on my life and wish there were a few things I had known.

The other wonderful thing about this "lost DVD" was seeing my friends and family.

My accompanist and roommate, Jennifer K. who just "sat" at the piano and made it sing.

My friend Pam D. who had a soprano voice that could not compare with many (I can only imagine how amazing she sounds today).

Tasha M. who played her trumpet like nobody's business, and always had a twinkle in her eye.

Wake F. my former oboe teacher who recently passed away. He was brilliant.

My darling husband (boyfriend of 2 years) with a "dark" head of hair, sounding brilliant when he sang the Vaughn Williams.

My Dad, vibrant, healthy and proud. With his arm around me.

And my sweet Mom.

What a wonderful evening to remember. I'm so glad we ran across that tape.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Old tapes
2. Rickety county fair roller coasters
3. "Elvis" quoting scripture (another blog post to come)
4. A roasted chicken, not from Walmart
5. Late lunches

Missing Mom

When Mother's Day comes around, and you have no mother to hug, it's sad. You feel alone.

I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law and my mother's best friend as my "pseudo moms," but it is not the same.

My mother died five weeks after my first son was born. It has been almost 15 years ago and I still can remember the touch of her hand. The expression on her face when she saw my son for the first time, the times she would bring me a drink and snack before the spelling bee in elementary school (she was a teacher's aide at my school). The times she would laugh so hard that she didn't make a sound! We always managed to start laughing at very inappropriate times :)

I missed out on having my mother with me while raising my children. What was supposed to be a joyous, sleep deprived time for me, became a time of pain. When the diagnosis of hemophilia came on top of everything else, I really was not able to deal with my grief over my mom and for that matter my son for many years.

As I look back to that time nearly 15 years ago, I see that I am not even close to being the same person I was then.

I am so thankful God intervened and worked on me.

It's taken many years to say goodbye to my Mom, but I've realized that you can never truly say goodbye. My Mom is always with me. In my heart, in the way I love my children, in the things I say and do. I still hear her voice and can feel her warmth.

Lydia Cano Campos was my mother and I adored her and miss her terribly. I would give anything to put my arms around her again.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Old frying pans
2. Recipes passed down
3. An old tea pitcher
4. Chocolate milk
5. Oscar de la Renta perfume

Wondrous Love

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders