Boxes

We finally bought boxes (considering we are moving in four weeks, we need to get with it)!  My husband's last Sunday to preach in Truth or Consequences will be on Father's Day, but we have the opportunity to move into our new home (at least me and the boys) early so that my "Christian" may attend Vacation Bible School at our new church and I can get my offices at home and at the main location in Albuquerque set up.

 The one thing that is really catching me off guard are the emotional ups and downs I am experiencing.  My church family is very near and dear to me and leaving is truly bittersweet.  Everything happening in our lives surrounding my husband's new pastoral appointment has truly fallen into place.  And I know it is all as it is supposed to be, it's just overwhelming sometimes (but in a good way).

To say I am thankful for the experiences we have had over the past six years since moving to New Mexico is truly an understatement.  My life is on a different path than I ever dreamed it would be on at this point in my life.

I am so happy.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Tape

2.  Air freshener

3.  Babies with chunky legs

4.  Paper flowers

5.  Boxes

For A Moment

I made it back from my whirlwind business trips to Wisconsin and Missouri without any problems.  It amazes me that I have been on eight flights within the past week and not once did a person speak to me.  You sit so closely to strangers and often times no one even says hello to the other person.  It makes you feel pretty alone. 

 As I arrived at the Dallas airport, looking forward to my final flight home, there was a young mother with two children at the smoothie shop.  One child in a stroller the other not more than 3 years old.  Her smoothie dropped and she was on the floor in the middle of a crowd of people trying to wipe up the mess.  No one stopped to help her!  I didn't know what to do, so I had the young, clueless boy behind the counter give me a wad of napkins and I started to help her mop up the mess best I could.  She looked at me for a moment through the tears falling from her face and between sobs said, "thank you."  At that moment another woman stopped and helped us out.  For the first time in my travels over those days I didn't feel alone.

 It's hard to reach out to others sometimes.  We often feel helpless and are afraid to reach out for help.  An old friend of mine on Facebook recently asked for prayers because her family is going through some tough times.  I think it says a lot when you can actually ask for prayer.  I think it makes you stronger.

 Sometimes we all need a helping hand.  We need to be strong enough to accept it and know that God is loving us through the acts of others.  Isn't that what being the hands and feet of Christ is all about?

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Brightly, colored cardstock

2.  Naps in my favorite chair

3.  Blackberry seeds in my teeth

4.  Washer and dryers at the hotel

5.  Spilled smoothies

Adventure!

Today I am off to Wisconsin to speak at a Couple’s Retreat.  The couples are all affected by a bleeding disorder and my mission is to bring a positive, uplifting message as a parent of children with a bleeding disorder.  This is my passion!  Preaching God’s word and speaking to people about bleeding disorders is what makes me happiestJ . 

After Wisconsin, I will meet the colleagues I work with for a team meeting in Kansas City.  It’s going to be a busy stretch until Wednesday, but I am really looking forward to these trips.

Having the opportunity to travel and work and speak with amazing people is a huge gift…one that I cherish.  The only bad part is that I will be away from my men for a bit (thank goodness for Skype).

I will be back soon and pray that each and every day brings blessings so numerous and amazing to you that it is almost too much to comprehend.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      Travel size toiletries

2.      Boarding passes

3.      Little bags of peanuts

4.      A window seat

5.      Adventures yet to come

A Choice

I am a huge advocate of devotional time.  Having a daily time to either meditate, pray, journal, and simply take time for yourself, even if just for one minute, is critical to caring for yourself.  But here is my problem...life takes over and gets in the way.

I can honestly tell you that when I have had periods in my life when I started my day in prayer and devotion, everything around me was better...my relationships, work, and my sense of self.  What I have found is that I am lacking in my devotional time these days.

Everything is going well in our lives.  Better than well.  We are even anticipating an exciting move to Rio Rancho (right outside of Albuquerque)!  The problem is that when I think about my devotional time, it's more about "finding time" instead of "choosing" time.

We make choices every day.  From what we eat for breakfast (if we eat at all) to how productive we are throughout the day.  Why can't we choose to spend time with Christ before our day gets into high gear (or choose to end our day with Him)? I have to make sure that on my list of priorities, my relationship with Christ is at the top of the list. 

Too often expectations can even take away from our relationship building with Christ.  If we set our goals to an unexpected level, we will never move forward in working to deepen our spiritual relationship.  That's why I have to focus on at least one minute.  One minute of uninterrupted time in prayer.  A time where everything else in the world takes second place.  It may not sound like a lot of time, but challenge yourself to spending a minute in quiet...solitude.  That minute can happen at your desk at work, or even with the hustle and bustle of children in the next room.  Find your minute.  Don't keep Christ waiting any longer.

"Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong then guide me on the road to eternal life."  Psalm 139:23-24 (MSG)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  boxes
2.  cold toes
3.  rulers
4.  video cameras
5.  messes to clean up

A Beautiful Day

Some days are better than others. 

Some days we run and run, looking at the clock anticipating the next thing on the list that needs to be accomplished.  If we are lucky, we occasionally have a day where the clock is not an issue.  That's one thing I love about Sunday afternoons.  Once church is over and we have eaten lunch, the afternoon is open…..for resting, relaxing and getting our minds ready for the upcoming week.

Yesterday was extra special because we celebrated Easter.  The weather was perfect, church went beautifully, we had a surprise visit by some old friends but most importantly, we celebrated that Christ had risen.

When you really stop to think about what that means, it's almost too much to comprehend.  If you have ever watched "The Passion of the Christ," I think you may have a pretty vivid visual of what Christ endured for each of us.  It was beyond unbearable.  That God would send his only Son to die for us, despite our messiness...despite our checkered pasts and despite the fact that we continue to mess up is just beyond comprehension.

The Lenten season is a journey.  A journey to the Risen Christ.

I am loved. 

Loved beyond words.

You are too.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  Lilies

2.  Chocolate chip cookies

3.  Baby wipes

4.  DVR

5.  The Easter Bunny :)

Suffering

Everyone suffers something.

But when children suffer, it breaks your heart. 

 When your child suffers, and you can't take the pain away, you would give your life for them. 

 I walked past a room yesterday (as I am here in the hospital with "Christian" as he recovers from a knee bleed) and the mom of a teenage boy suffering with asthma was standing outside the door sobbing.  I stopped, and put my hand on her shoulder.  She started to talk through the tears about his suffering.  I know without a doubt she would have given her life at that very moment for her son.

 A mother's love is something you just don't mess with. 

 But how do you give thanks through the suffering?

God did.  He knew what He was doing by sending Jesus to die for us.  I can't even imagine the enormity of that sacrifice.  Yes, I would give my life for my child, but giving up my child's life? 

We'll never know and completely understand that gift.  But what we do is work to live a life pleasing to God through our every move and through every word.

As Holy Week begins, I want to spend time in reflection by trying to wrap my mind around the sacrifice that was made for me.  I mean, I am a sinner beyond words, and God knew I would struggle, yet He sent His Son for me.

God loves me just the way I am...sin  and all.  Let's start each day remembering that God loves each and every one of us without doubt and beyond measure.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  iPads

2.  City lights from the hospital window

3.  The whirring of monitors in the hospital room

4.  Dry erase boards

5.  Reclining chairs

A Unique Gift

“Your presence is a unique gift to the world.”


As I sat in the hospital with my “Christian” during his recent knee bleed, I started to think about the amount of time I was with him. I wanted to “work”, and I had my laptop and some papers, but I was only able to keep up with my email a bit. It’s hard to work from the hospital. There is just too much going on.

I started thinking about the business trip I had to cancel while Christian was still in the hospital. I could have gone, but my heart and mind would have been here at the hospital and not with my work. It all worked out.

In these situations I have learned that presence is most important.

Christian is not going to remember the work I missed, or the trips I did or did not take, he is going to remember that his Mommy was always with him in the hospital (not that Daddy can’t do it…..it’s just not the same without your Mommy).

My presence to my son is the ultimate gift I can give to him.

Yes, working to earn money and take care of him is important, etc. but my presence is what he is going to always remember.

My world is my family. If I can’t be present for them, then I am not living my life as authentically as I am meant to be living.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hospital tray bacon

2. Wearing socks on a cold floor

3. Thin, hospital pillows (and using at least 3) 

4. Disney Junior

5. Food Network

Music.....passion

I remember my sister coming home from school one day (she was a junior in high school and I was in 5th grade) with an instrument for me.  She had told her band director that I made good grades and Mrs. D said, "then she is going to play oboe."

I soon started taking private lessons and realized music was truly my passion.

I had no idea how much of an impact playing that instrument would have on my life.  I excelled in music and eventually majored in Music Education in college and became a band director.  Throughout the years, I found great pleasure in playing freelance around the city of Houston, mainly at churches, and made many friends and most importantly, made some great music.

Yesterday I played a concert with the Mesilla Valley Concert Band and it was just wonderful.  Procession of the Nobles, Holst's Suite in Eb….some band standards that are timeless.  I sat there on the front row looking out at the audience (always a packed house at NMSU) and was filled with thanks…..thanks for my first band director, thanks to my dad who took me to lesson after lesson on Saturday mornings and thanks to all of the people who believed in my music. 

I am enjoying my music more than ever by playing in a band again.  Since I left teaching, I have had a void in my life.  I've missed making music on a regular basis.  I had no idea the day that oboe arrived in my home from Galena Park High School that my life would change and have meaning.

It's amazing what passion does to your life.  It can slip from our fingers and be forgotten and if you are lucky enough to awaken what makes you happy, you are blessed beyond measure.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Blackberries

2.  Homemade tortillas

3.  When your Spanish rice turns out perfect :)

4.  Blingy sunglasses

5.  Hope

Falling Into Place

Don't you just love it when all the pieces just fall into place?  It's like when you play Solitaire on the computer and you win...you get to see all of the cards move into place and the cards go crazy!  I love the "crazy" part :)

We went to Rio Rancho this weekend, and the boys and I met the pastor and her husband (absolutely amazing people).  They invited us into their home (they offered to lease us their house until our Houston home sells...and it is gorgeous) and took us on a tour of the church.  We were even fortunate enough to meet several church members while they were practicing for a program...their spirits are amazing!  Financial concerns about moving are being lessened and we have the support of our current church for this move. 

We have received several emails from our new church family welcoming us and we still have three months until we arrive! 

This is an amazing time in the life of our family.  A time for change, renewal, challenges, and most importantly, hope. I am so overwhelmed with how God is allowing everything to fall into place.  I don't know why I am surprised, I've seen Him work before!  I just sometimes let the enemy sneak in and whisper doubt into my ear.

But not this time! 

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  Dust storms

2.  Donating clothes

3.  Trash bags

4.  Unraveling strings on a comforter

5.  Laundry baskets

Condemnation or Restoration?

Imagine a condemned building.  Dangerous.  Unfit.  Unusable.  Have you ever felt that way? 

Condemned? 

At some point in your life, you may have been in a pit of despair.  Perhaps dealing with a deep, dark depression that smothers you.  Maybe your financial situation has been bleak at best and you felt as if there was no way out other than bankruptcy.  Why are your children struggling with so many issues….what did you do wrong?  These are a few things that can bring us to our knees.  Too many times we go to our knees and forget to look up to the One who has created us.  The One who knows everything about us from our past to our future, mistakes and all. 

If Jesus was standing in front of that condemned building, I doubt very seriously that the thought of tearing the building down would even cross his mind.  I like to believe that Jesus would be standing there with plans to "flip" that building!  Not tear down, but renovate.  Not dwell on the problem areas, but improve on what is already present.  John 3:17 tells us that not only did the Father see us with all of our baggage, but He saw what we were each meant to be.  More than what we can even sometimes see for ourselves.  He saw someone He loved so much that He would send His only Son to die an excruciating death for us.  God sent His one and only Son to heal us.  To forgive us.  And most importantly, to use us in ways we could never imagine.

^"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son."  John 3:16 - 18 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  a noisy ceiling fan
2.  mini cupcakes
3.  devout Bible Study ladies
4.  magazines
5.  ironing boards

BIG Happenings!

When our family stepped out in faith six years ago to come to New Mexico (without a house even rented) it was exhilarating! We knew that we were following the path that Christ had laid out for us. Yes, it was a bit scary, but when you know you are being led, the fear only lasts for a moment.

 My husband has been called to a new appointment. In the United Methodist Church, pastors are on the itinerant system and go where the cabinet (church conference leadership) asks them to go and lead. We are moving in June to Rio Rancho, New Mexico. The fastest growing city in New Mexico.

We are so excited that we can hardly even stand it.

It's bittersweet, because our church family here in Truth or Consequences has done nothing but loved us and loved us well. We are better people because of them. Leaving is going to be hard, but the time has come.

Not only will this move give my husband the chance to pastor a large, growing congregation, but it will put us 17 miles from the hospital where the hematologists for our boys work (instead of being over 2 hours away). It will also give our oldest son the chance to attend the performing arts high school (he's been in online school...not the best fit for him after the assault).
We have been patient and listened. Listened to how God moves our hearts and nudges us into certain directions.

 It's time to step out in faith again and keep listening.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1 . snow that doesn't stick

2. Jewelry shows

3. a new watch (leopard, of course)

4. the tingling you feel when your feet fall asleep

5. The buzzing of the dryer

What if?

I remember one of my former students, "Mayra."  She was a little, bitty sixth grade oboe player.  I taught her how to open her instrument case, put her fingers on the instrument and make "sounds".  The thing about Mayra was that she always had questions.  "What if I break a reed?  What if this part gets stuck?  What if I play a wrong note?"  and on and on.

I finally got to the point of telling her that if her question started with "what if" it probably wasn't worth asking.

 Don’t we "what if" ourselves into some pretty bad places?  "What if's" get us into trouble.  We wait for an answer to an application and wonder if we are even good enough to apply, we teach a class at church and wonder if we will know enough to make a difference, we even "what if" the decisions we make when parenting our children.  The list goes on and on.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes a good "what if" helps us to plan ahead and be prepared.  But these questions too often take away from what God knows….that we are His Beloved.

If we let the "what if's" take over, we will forget the promise in Ephesians 2:10:

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (NIV)

 God has never made a mistake.  You are here for a purpose.  If we "what if" ourselves into not moving forward and taking chances, we may never know what the good works are that He has in store for us.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Setting clothes out the night before

2.  My leopard print robe

3.  New reading glasses!

4.  Collapsible laundry baskets

5.  Old pillows

Language

I'll be honest about something.  The thing that scares me the most about continuing Seminary is the "language."  When you are in school, your writing takes on a new langage.  An academic style.  I've been writing columns and blogs for quite a while and it does not translate well to the world of "academia." 

It scares me to death.  The whole world of theology is a completely different animal on an academic level.  But I have to suck it up and do it.  I am in the process of researching upcoming classes and getting back into the swing of higher education.

I am excitedly working through my book for the initial process through the church and will meet with my mentor next week for discussion.

Possibilites are everywhere.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  being Diet Coke free for over a week!
2.  video games to pass the time during long infusions
3.  pants with holes (because it means my little one plays hard)
4.  rolling tables in the hospital
5.  possibilities

Time Away...

I've not been writing regularly….I've been searching and listening.

 God has been working on me.  And He has made me listen.  I have felt God's call on my life for quite some time and I have let life get in the way.  My "Christian's" hemophilia has really kept me busy, "Lance" has been struggling with his online schooling, and the death of my dear mother-in-law has been keeping my family life very full.  Top it off with my husband's ministry as a pastor and my working as a patient advocate full-time has left little time for seminary.  I took a break, with all intention of not going back.  I mean, one pastor in the family is enough, right?

I have officially entered the "Inquiry" Process in the United Methodist Church.  I have a mentor, who is one that will truly keep me accountable.  She is a Deacon in El Paso and has worked with my husband quite a bit.  We had our first meeting yesterday.  She is fantastic :)

This process the United Methodist Church has developed helps those who have a call to ministry to discern what they are hearing and feeling.  Sometimes people go through this process and decide to not move forward.  That very well may be what happens with me.  I have not a clue what is to come, I just know that God is leading me to discover what He is truly laying on my heart.

When is the last time you stopped and listened?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Unexpected play dates

2.  Wipeout :)

3.  Kindergarten homework

4.  A plant to re-pot

5.  A new sofa and chair

Home Base

I've been floundering for several weeks.  My son, "Lance", had an accident, which involved my laptop.  We gave the laptop final rites and I have been" laptop-less" until this weekend. 

 Mind you we have a "family computer",  I have an iPhone an iPad and a laptop for work.  There have been plenty of ways for me to be connected, but not having my "home base" laptop, where my life resides, has been uncomfortable.

 When I stray from studying God's word, I feel "laptop-less".  I can wander around, find other means of being "spiritually" connected, but not necessarily in tune with what God wants me to hear.  There are many ways we can find a connection with the Creator of the Universe, and sometimes we take shortcuts.  Maybe we don’t attend church and say we are "communing with our families or with nature and that we see God in that way."  Maybe we get away from studying God's word because we are too busy and things are going fine.  I mean, no need to study when all is well...right? 

 It's dangerous to ignore our hearts and hard to make time to study.  I have committed to starting each day with a few minutes of study.  The day is so much more fruitful when I do this.  Things are going really well and I want to be thankful and praise my God for all of the blessings in my life.  I also want to be prepared for when life takes those twists and turns that put me in a twist. 

Home base for me is the Bible.  A place where I can turn to find the answer for anything.  See, God's word comforts me.  I don't always understand everything, and that is what pushes me to study.  I am challenging myself through my study to put more scripture in my heart.  It's at my fingertips, and I need to go to it way more often.  God pursues me and loves me and has left His Word for me to live by.  I just need to remember to use it as my touchstone at all times.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  A new razor

2.  Return envelopes
3.  A group to play my instruments in weekly
4.  Dreaming about what the future may bring
5.  Home base

Hitting Home

I am so blessed to be with a wonderful group of ladies on Tuesday evenings.  We are reading Renee Swope's "A Confident Heart."  It is just a gem.  Every paragraph has an amazing nugget of wisdom that hits home for me.  I want to share a section that really hit me this past week.

 "If you've ever doubted God's personal pursuit of you, let this truth sink in, my friend; wherever you are, He wants to meet you there.  He is waiting for you to stop, come up close , and turn your heart to listen to His.  You don't have to pretend things are fine when they aren't.  He knows what is going on in your thoughts.  Nothing could keep Him from wanting to be with you."

   -From "A Confident Heart", Renee Swope, pg. 37.

I hate how doubt tends to consume me.  Sometimes it's my work and wondering if I am truly performing up to my potential, or am I doing enough for my children in the way of being a mom.  And more often than not, I doubt whether or not I am good enough for myself.  Saying these things "out loud" is hard, but the truth is, God knows every thought I have.  Even the thoughts that I could never speak out loud...the ones about myself and how I feel less than. 

God is in "pursuit" of me.  Every day.  He meets me despite how I look or feel.  It's like a child that has been playing outside all day long.  Full of mud and critters...running to Mom and Dad with complete faith and love.  That child did not stop to wash off the mud and critters before he went running to his parents...he went just as he was.

That's how God wants me and you.  Just the way we are.  Sometimes that's hard for me to accept.  That God loves me with all of my "junk".  Stinkin' thinkin' and all. 

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Kindergarten homework
2. A new brace for my "Christian's" ankle
3. Reaching out to a new mentor in my process of discernment through the church
4. A new sweatshirt
5. Looking forward to the weekend

Enough Time Off...

God was present on Sunday morning.  He woke me up.

I've not been pursuing Seminary for a while....I've just felt as if the timing was not right.  There have been so many things that have happened (especially my "Christian's" health being front and center) and I have been very relieved that school was not in the mix, but something happened at church on Sunday.

A new member, who I've really not had contact with, came up to me.  This person is in need of someone being "present" for them as they have recently had a great loss and for some reason, and he felt led to talk to me.  I was quite overwhelmed and pretty surprised. 

Is this God's way of saying that I have had enough "time off" and I need tro begin my active pursuit of Seminary again?  It has really made me think.

I assured this church member that I was not a professional counselor, just a pastor's wife who struggles with depression and has a heart for ministry.  He wants to sit and talk, so I agreed (and today I received my next lay speaker's class book "Lay Pastoral Care Giving" in the mail).

I am stepping out in faith to answer what seems to be God's calling. 

It may not sound like a big thing, but I think God moves in mysterious ways.  Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  legal pads
2.  an extremely busy day
3.  an upcoming business trip with a dear friend
4.  a new blouse
5.  beginning a new Bible Study

You Just Want to Shake Them

Moving on after the death of someone close to you is very difficult. If you have a spouse, children, close friendships, you can manage. But when your life is tied up into one person and they are suddenly taken away...what do you do? How do you help them move forward?

 Life is a gift. There are so many things to look forward to:
vacations
 the first day of Spring
 a perfectly cooked steak
 the smile of a child
 new beginnings.

 Some people are not strong enough to start over and your first inclination is to want to shake them into understanding! "Don't you see you are being selfish? Don't you see how many people are depending on you? Don't you see that God is not done with you yet?"

We help those in need by praying to God for the words we need to speak. We need to step back, try and step in their shoes and think about their situation. How would we handle being completely alone? How do we help them find the strength they have within themselves?

My prayer for those who are hurting is that God touches their hearts in a way they have never felt. That God stirs in their souls the need to be present in their lives in a way that is worthy of Him.

And that those of us being turned to for help ooze with compassion.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1. aunts
2. diced pears
3. a clear day
4. catching a bleed early
5. newspapers

The Peanut to my Butter

My adorable husband and I are truly ones who finish each others sentences.

We know how to play "good cop bad cop" extremely well.

 We enjoy simple meals at home with our sons.

 And we love each other more than we did over 20 years ago.

I am most grateful for today, because 48 years ago, he was born.

 His precious mother was single and unwed  (and in those days that was not acceptable).

 But she did the most important thing ever, she loved her unborn child, while unsure of the future.

 Happy Birthday to my adorable husband, Joe Keith MacDonald...the peanut to my butter :)

A few of the reasons I am thankful for Joe:

1.  His crazy lyrics to familiar songs
2.  When he breaks out into a spontaneous dance
3.  He embarrasses my teenager

4.  The nightly "tickle shark" that terrorizes my sons

5.  And because he loves me just the way I am.

Happy Birthday

Six years ago, my life changed. Yes, it was a long, awaited day as my second child came into the world...sleeping and with a perfect haircut. But what I didn't anticipate was how much my "Christian" would teach me. He came 10 years after my first child, so things had changed quite a bit. And with hemophilia....I only thought I knew what I was doing. Here we are, six years later, after more hospital visits than I can count, chemotherapy, a painful right ankle, many, many missed days of school....I could go on. But this is what counts.... Love. Love in the shape of a tough as nails little boy who has already gone through more than many of us every will. Love in the shape of giggles at night with his Daddy as they have "fuzzy face" before going to bed. Love in the shape of the thrill of seeing a monster truck for the first time with his aunts. I just can't even imagine my life without him. Happy Birthday, my sweet love. Today I Am Thankful For: 1. cupcakes 2. presents 3. new jammies 4. grapes 5. school friends

My Dad's Presence

Being fully aware and present is a gift. 

Sometimes a person simply needs to know you are there for them. 

Yesterday I felt my Dad's presence as real as if we were embracing.

I am in Houston with my family to begin the process of packing my mother-in-law's home, put it up for sale, and bury her ashes.  Upon our arrival we went to visit the graves of my parents.  The minute I stepped out of the car, I felt my Dad.  I smelled the aroma of the coffee mill.  See, the mill is next to the school where my father was a principal for many, many years and is several miles away from the cemetary.

I will always remember that smell because I spent many a Saturday morning working at school with him.  From counting textbooks to painting parking blocks...there was always something to do...and always ice cream in the cafeteria :)

I know the answer to the smell of the coffee today...it's windy and cold, so the smell traveled.  But what I know for sure is that my Dad was with me today.  He was with me, even if only for that moment to tell me he loved me.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  great restaurants
2.  cool weather
3.  a great night's sleep
4.  a plan
5.  work to be done

Musical Memories

I am playing Oboe and English Horn with the Mesilla Valley Concert Band. We rehearse on Sunday evenings and I have been unable to attend as much as I have wanted to this season due to my bout with pneumonia and "Christian" being in the hospital.
I went to rehearsal last night and a flood of memories come back to me. As I was turning the page on a new piece of music, it would not stay flat. I put my hand on the page and pressed it against the stand. The feel of the paper, brand new paper, with a flurry of notes yet to be played reminded me of my school days. In band with Mrs. Dempsey, Mr. Brinkley, Mr. Hess, private lessons with Mr. Villani and Mr. Weaver. I was always so excited when I had a new piece of music in my hand. There is something about the feel of that paper and knowing that the instruments I play bring it to life.

I am rekindling my passion for music. It has been such a joy in my life. I am not spending as much time playing as I would like, but it is a start. Any time I can put in to being passionate is time well spent.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Sunday naps
2. Fresh nail polish
3. Routine
4. Frasier
5. rain

My One Word for 2012 - Hope

The word I have chosen as a focus for 2012 is:

At the forefront of my mind with this word is the health of my five year old, "Christian." He has dealt with so many complications with his hemophilia. In and out of the hospital, painful bleeds, and an ankle that has suffered joint damage.

My hope is that this is the year he has some relief.

My hope is that this year is the year I am able to take my health and well-being to a new level.

My hope is that this year, we begin to heal from the loss of my dear mother-in-law.

But most importantly, my hope is that everything I do is for the Glory of God.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Great Performances
2. Naps
3. A day off
4. An understanding boss
5. Tea lights

My "One Word" for 2011 - Intentional

I heard the buzz in the blogosphere about focusing on one word for the new year. No resolutions, no lists or promises to make, just one word to focus on for the year.

I immediately chose the word "intention."

I wanted to focus on the moments in my life that I take for granted. And it turned out to be a great focus for the year.

I have caught those moments throughout the year sitting with my little one pushed right up against me on the sofa watching a movie, and then sitting with him in the hospital through his pain during his worst bleed ever. I most especially enjoyed the times I would drive back from Albuquerque with my oldest son and we were giggling and being silly as he kept me company, and watching him grow and tower over me. And being there for my dear husband as he struggled with issues in the church and most importantly, as he is grieving the loss of his mother.

I am continuing to learn to "stop and smell the roses." It is something that I have to work on daily. It's all too easy to speed through our lives. We have to remember to stop and savor the little things. Those are the gems in our lives that we often miss and take for granted.

Every moment we have is a gift from God...so let's make the most of our moments.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  a clean bathroom
2.  an impromptu soak at the hot springs
3.  remote controls
4.  three prong adapters
5.  warm sweaters

Will Be Back Soon

I'll be back soon…..just been enjoying my family:)

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and are looking forward to the many, wonderful possibilities that 2012 may bring.

Blessings to you all.

Lights

I must admit, our living room looks just beautiful! We decorated in a flash this past weekend, had a fantastic time, and our efforts paid off. Our living room is absolutely warm and inviting. The most beautiful part of the whole room are the lights. White lights on the tree, colored lights on the garland hanging on the windows, and lights intertwined with the berries on the piano. I am not sure why lights are so warm and inviting during the holiday season, but they just complete everything.
The star the wise men followed must have been brighter than anything we could even imagine. They saw it and followed it without question. I wonder what kind of life the wise men each had. Did they leave their families to follow the star? Were they businessmen or teachers who left behind responsibilities?

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 (NIV)

Jesus did not ask us to follow Him in darkness, but in light. Christ lights the way so that we may see each of our steps...even when we turn in the wrong direction. He never leaves us.

Are you letting the light of Christ shine through you? Are you being kind, compassionate and forgiving?

When you see another set of Christmas lights, or a beautiful candle burning, remember that Christ loves you. He is with you in every thought and move you make. Imagine that light oozing out you. That through every breath you take and word you speak that you are truly being the hands and feet of Christ. Carry the beauty of this amazing season with you throughout the year.
Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  rain
2.  ornaments
3.  old movies
4.  an exceptional manicure
5.  a sleeping dog

For the First Time in a Long Time

This was a wonderful weekend. Breakfast on Saturday morning at our favorite little restaurant, decorating the house for the Christmas season, cooking for my family, baking cookies, and going to church for the first time in a couple of weeks (my husband even consecrated the elements so that our family could celebrate Holy Communion together after church). The bottom line is, my family was together.

It was the first time we have had a couple of "normal" days. Nothing earth shattering happened, it was low key, and absolutely wonderful.

My "Christian" is healing well. He is still having trouble with his ankle and has not returned to school quite yet, but all is looking better than a week ago :)

Now that things have settled down, the enormity of the past two weeks has begun to settle in. I was an emotional mess in church this morning. Just being in the presence of my church family, who has loved us through this difficult time, was almost too much.

I am missing my mother-in-law terribly and seeing my husband hurt brings back the pain in losing my mother so many years ago. We change because of our loss. We are never the same, but we move on and try to live our lives as a testament to what our parents taught us and wanted for us.
I think my husband and I are going to have a bit of a hard time getting into the "holiday spirit," but we are going to try our best. We have to remember that life goes on and the way we handle the difficult times in our lives is seen by our children. I want them to know that we are surrounded by love and that through everything, love endures all.
Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Fresh baked cookies
2. Reading scripture
3. Kleeex with "lotion" (much softer)
4. Prescription refills
5. Snuggling with my little one

The Greatest of These

There are several Greek words for love, as the Greek language distinguishes how the word is used. Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē. However, as with other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words. Nonetheless, the senses in which these words were generally used are given below.

• Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē[1]) means "love" (unconditional love)
• Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.
• Philia (φιλία philía[3]) means friendship or affectionate love in modern Greek
• Storge (στοργή storgē[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek

In my life, I have learned that the most important thing to grasp on to and offer is love. Agape love. The kind of love that has no boundary. The kind of love that has no fee or requirement. The love our Creator has for each and every one of us, regardless of our history.

My God has been busy at work in my life and the lives of each of the members of my family this week. Through the craziness/messiness of our lives, He has been present every moment. I want to share a couple of examples with you.

As "Christian" was at the end of a bad night in the hospital, he fell back to sleep early Tuesday morning. I started to hear him mumble then in a very clear voice said, "Granny, Granny!" I believe she was with him that morning, loving him as dearly in Heaven as she did here on Earth.


My mother-in-law worked at her church as a receptionist part-time. The pastor has been amazing to our family and invited my husband in to preside over the funeral without question. He gave my husband her personal belongings from her desk and one of the items was a compact Bible with a few of her favorite passages highlighted. 1 Corinthians 13 was one of them...it was the scripture my husband based his sermon for the funeral...he did not look in her Bible until after the funeral.

Throughout this week filled with crisis for our family I have experienced love in such a way that my heart has literally hurt because it was so full. Old friends coming to the visitation/funeral to support my family, friends coming to the hospital to visit me and "Christian" as we have been separated from our family, phone calls of encouragement from far away, Facebook words of encouragement and understanding, our church family filling in where needed and helping us in every way possible. And the unbelievable generosity and love shown to me through my "work" family. I have been humbled and so filled with gratitude for everything this week that I cannot find the appropriate words to express the magnitude of how I have been deeply touched.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

Love

It's Hard to Receive

My "Christian" is having one of the worst bleeds of his five years (started Friday night) and we are in the hospital trying to manage his pain. In the midst of the bleed, we received the phone call you dread...in the wee hours of the morning...that my mother-in-law passed away.

I immediately put my husband on a plane with the thought we would follow (drive) the next afternoon.
I am still in the hospital with Christian. We had planned on driving yesterday to get there in time for the viewing and funeral. As long as the doctor had us set up with the appropriate meds, etc.

My colleagues at work know our situation and I received a call from one of them this morning that we were having flights to Houston donated to us so that we did not have to make the 14 hour journey in the car...stopping every 2-3 hours to administer meds, etc. They are worried about us and are trying to do what they can to help us.
I had my colleague/friend who called me repeat at least three times what she had said about the donated flights. I was shocked and overwhelmed. Completely and utterly humbled. I can't hardly put words to my feelings right now because my heart literally hurts because it is so full.

Sunday was another story. My husband had to preach, so he left me in charge to take over. That was, until Christian had to go to the hospital. He reached out to one of our lay speakers and she handled everything Sunday morning and had members of the congregation chip in to help the service along. Then, the members of the church stayed after and decorated the entire church for the season. They all banded together and forged ahead.

We have been taken care of. Ministered to.

It's hard to be ministered to when you are a "minister".

My heart is full, oozing with gratitude.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Kind hearts
2. Colleagues who are truly friends
3. A good shower
4. My job
5. The moments my son is sleeping through his pain

A Great Loss

I have been very fortunate to have a mother-in-law who loved me as her own daughter. Not only did she take me in as her own, but so did all of her brothers and sisters. I have many aunts and uncles and cousins. They aren't "my husband's family," they are mine.

Heaven has another angel. Ruby Jane Jensen went home to the Lord on Saturday, November 26th. The mother of the love of my life and grandmother to my boys is no longer with us on this Earth. She was the last parent I had here to call my own.

I am going to miss her daily morning calls to check in and have her say she loved me.

I am going to miss seeing her hug my children and love them without abandon.

I am going to miss the shopping (she taught me that a woman needs more than one purse) :)

I will miss cooking for her when she comes to my house (especially making her favorite salsa).

I will miss the annual holiday decoration from Avon she would send me (you know, the obnoxious kind that talks and sings….).

And I will miss having that person to call to give the scoop on my children and/or our latest accomplishments, escapades and the like.

Early in our relationship, Ruby and I did not get along very well. My mother would fuss at me and tell me "She is going to be around longer than me and you better be nice and get along!"

I'm so glad I took my mother's words to heart and forged a great relationship with Ruby.

I already miss her. I'm so glad I had a chance to tell her that I loved her last week.

Her love truly changed my life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hope

2. Purple

3. Aunts

4. Road trips

Little Hearts Know

Saturday started out as a really nice day. We slept in late, went to our favorite little Mexican restaurant for breakfast, shopped for our Thanksgiving feast and walked through the local craft show at the fair barn. We were enjoying being home.

After we returned home, I felt that "dip" when my depression wants to begin. I made myself keep "doing" and not give in to lying down and sleeping. That is dangerous for me. Around 2 o'clock, I was headed back to my room, everyone was doing something, and I just wanted to sneak away. All of a sudden my little "Christian" tugs at my shirt and says "Mommy, let's make some cookies." So we put on
our aprons and made cookies. He was precious! We had a great time.

I hung on until around dinner time and finally gave in. I took a shower early and went back to my room. But who was right on my heels? Christian. He would not leave me alone. He stayed in my room with me all evening. He brought in his toys to play, we snuggled and watched a movie. He was exceptionally loving towards me. It was a huge comfort.

You don't have to tell your children everything about how you are feeling. If things are not right, they know, they feel it.

I am so blessed to have two, amazing sons. They are compassionate, caring boys. Their hearts are amazing. God has entrusted these two souls to me and my husband to raise and love with all of our hearts. How could I ask for anything more? How can I let my depression rob me of the moments I have with my family?

I just have to rejoice through my depression. Pray through my depression and in all circumstances give thanks to God so that His will is done in my life.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Band rehearsal
2. Quiet time
3. A long, awaited doctor's appointment
4. Fun jewelry
5. My mother-in-law's continued recovery from surgery

Nudges

The past two weeks have been pretty difficult. My depression has been rearing its ugly head, and it tends to do that during the Thanksgiving season. It's one of my most favorite times of year, but also one of the hardest.

On a recent Friday evening, I was not doing very well. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. I told my husband how I was feeling and we piled into the car and went to Las Cruces (an hour away) to do a little shopping. I needed to get some makeup so we stopped by the day spa that carries the brand I use. Again, I was feeling beyond lousy and putting one foot in front of the other was a feat in itself. The young lady working the counter told me they were out of what I needed. She asked me to give her five minutes to try something new. I looked like a completely different person! Something as small and insignificant as the shade of my makeup changed me completely! Yes, she was doing her job, but she really did not have to go out of her way to try something new on me. She could have said they were out and to come back in a few days, but she didn't. I appreciated her going the extra mile.

I kept thinking about her act of kindness. She had no idea how deeply she touched me and that she helped me find my way out of a very, dark day.

I wrote a letter to the manager and simply told her that this lovely, young woman went out of her way to help me and it made me feel better. That young lady left me a message later in the week, filled with gratitude that I went out of my way to thank her, and she even got an early bonus :) She left me a beautiful message, wishing God's blessings on me and my family.

I was so excited that I felt God's nudge on my heart that day, even through a serious bout of depression, and responded. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear. It was huge. Yes, the Holy Spirit was made known to me through a simple change in makeup, but nonetheless was real and alive.

Have you felt that nudge on your heart? Has God been impressing on you to reach out to someone by speaking a word of kindness, send card, or simply be present?

Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when you may be on the other end of what He is planning.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Suitcase surprises
2. New jeans
3. Clean laundry
4. New, fuzzy socks
5. My mother-in-law coming through surgery

The Actor's Studio

I love watching The Actor's Studio. The auditorium where the show is filmed in New York is filled with acting students. The host, James Lipton, interviews actors and gives the audience members the opportunity to ask questions of some of their idols. At the end of the interview, Lipton asks a series of questions of the actor that are the same for everyone. One of the most interesting questions is

"If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

Some answers are funny and others very poignant.

What would you hope the Creator of the Universe would say to you? When we think about what our lives would amount to at the end of our time here on Earth it may actually change how we are currently living our lives. For myself, I tend to think not only of how I treat others, but mostly, how I treat myself. The things I tell myself that are not true and the verbal "beating" I take on a daily basis is not very healthy. I treat others much better than I treat myself. It is time to put myself in the same category as the people I come in contact with every day.

I came across a quote which seems to sum up how we should live. .

"Give more than is expected, love more than seems wise, serve more than seems necessary, and help more than is asked." Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey

It sounds so simple, and I think to a point it is. We need to give of ourselves as much as we possibly can, love to the point of no return, serve our God and others with every part of our soul and go the extra mile for others, and ourselves.

“Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them." Matthew 22: 36-40 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The National Hemophilia Annual Meeting 2. rekindling old relationships
3. being in a new city with my family
4. having my boys meet other boys their age with hemophilia
5. factor to travel

A Clean Slate

I have a Buddha Board on my desk.


It is a small, stone surface that you paint on with water and after a short time your artwork disappears. The Buddha Board is based on the Zen concept of living in the moment. I use it to write words that have a hold over me.



Doubt, fear, "fat talk," are just a few. When I write them they are real and bold, but after time, they are gone. That is what I want, for those strongholds to go away and not be as prevalent in my life. I want to let go.



So often we think that January 1st signifies a "new year," a "clean slate." But the reality is that each day God give us, each day we wake up breathing is a new day, a clean slate. What we make of it is up to us.


I am tired of letting certain things take away my happiness and joy.

I am committing to surrendering each day to Christ. I may not succeed everyday, but as long as I have breath, I will do my best to give everything I have to Him and not let the enemy steal my joy.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. band rehearsal on Sunday evening's
2. salami sandwiches
3. singing psalms
4. Command strips
5. Fall arriving