Gratitude

I am traveling on business to St. Louis today. During my layover in Dallas, early this morning, I went in search of a very large cup of coffee. My mind has not been settled. Whenever I go on certain business trips where “schmoozing” will be involved, I get in a very bad place in my mind. I second guess my worth, my knowledge, my contributions to the company and then I go into the “I don’t look the part”. “I cant’ lose weight fast enough, blah, blah, blah. As I walked “in search of”, I overheard a woman behind me on her cell phone. She sounded as if she was talking to a family member and said, “Her right arm and leg are paralyzed……….” That’s all I remember. That’s all I needed to hear. Here I am getting down on myself because of my appearance and there is someone who has lost the use of two of their limbs! I immediately asked God to forgive me. I can be so selfish. The things I find important or I should say the things that consume me, are trite in the grand scheme of the world.
Do we thank God often enough for what we have? Our health, our family, that we can worship as we please, that we have more than enough food to eat, that we can earn an honest living. Something I did regularly, quite some time ago, was to write in a “Gratitude Journal”. At the end of the day I would write down five things I was grateful for, no matter how large or small. I am starting that today. I encourage you to do the same. What are some of the things you are grateful for?
Today I am grateful for:
1. The unexpected hour I had to wait for the shuttle and was able to write.
2. The ability to walk through the airports without needing assistance.
3. For my husband, who takes over the “Mommy” stuff when I travel (and does a beautiful job).
4. A job that allows me freedom in my schedule and to work from home.
5. The calling the Lord has put on my heart to write and speak His word.

Want versus Need

I just read a great devotional by Darlene at Living Well Wednesday. She talks about "Hunting and Pursuing". I catch myself, so often, trying to get more. More stuff. I know the differnce between want and need, but so often I just go for the "want". It's the same with food. Am I really hungry, or do I just want to eat because I'm bored? Perhaps I've just finished a meal and I am satisfied, but that pie looks awfully good. I want it, I don't need it!

I am trying to change my want vs. need mentality in all ways, especially where food is concerned.

What about Christ? My relationship is with Him is definitely a need. I try to pursue Him everyday, but so often I fall short and don't follow through. I let life get so busy that I forget to spend time and make that time that I spend with Him a priority. It is a need. A need that once I grab onto will fill me up in all ways.

I hope you are Living Well. Not just by meeting your physical needs but most especially in letting Christ consume you.

A New Baby

I just heard that an old friend of mine from Houston gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! Mom and baby are doing wonderful. He was diagnosed with Severe Hemophilia A like one of his brothers. It took me back to my youngest son's (Christian) diagnosis. I was certain that my oldest son's diagnosis of Severe Hemophilia A was a fluke. Surely I would not have another child with hemophilia. Well, God had other plans for our family and for my Christian.

I truly believe the Lord does not give any of us more than we can handle. I never dreamed I would have one child, much less two, with a severe, chronic, medical condition. It may sound strange, but Hemophilia has been nothing but a blessing in many ways to our family. Would I prefer that my children did not have the disorder? Of course! But we are equipped in every way to handle it and to raise our boys knowing that it is something they must live with and can live extremely full lives with little they cannot do.

I thank God for the road He has led me on. I encourage you to find the blessings in everything that comes your way.

"If only..."

Have you ever come across someone who you just want to shake and tell them "Don't you get it?" You see how they can be fixed. "If they would only".........then they would be okay. "If they would only".................they would lose weight. "If they would only"..............they would save money. And so on and so on.

I know for a fact God did not put me here on earth to "fix" others in the ways I think they should be fixed. I think when you become a mom, something inside you just switches on that makes you want to be the "Grand Fixer of All Things...and People". Sometimes it's just so hard to love others and see them the way God sees them. I hate when I do that.

"Father, God, I pray today that I have eyes to see others as you do. To love unconditionally, and to give wholeheartedly."

Living Well Wednesday

I needed to be reminded to "focus". It's so easy to take everything in at once, and not any one single thing. Every time I sit on the sofa (in my spot) my two year old immediately climbs in my lap. I have caught myself getting frustrated when he does this because I am trying to watch a show, or reading a book. But I know that I need to stop, and focus on him. The other stuff can wait.

It's like our "Living Well". I so often think about being at my goal weight and how long it will take. And what happens, I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't stop and focus on just today. One thing at a time.

I actually feel great! I've been consistently going to the gym and have been watching what I'm eating. I'm not trying to go crazy with counting calories, I'm just focusing on three sensible meals and snacks. One step at a time.

I also am starting a new bible study, "Believing God" by Beth Moore. I started it several years ago, and never did finish. I have felt led to re visit this study, so I am excited about focusing on it over the next several weeks.

Here's to "Living Well"!

Sunday's

We have made Sunday a day of no television, no computers, and no XBox, until 5 pm...you have to start somewhere. Electronics have taken over and I am just as bad as my hubby and Lance. It's gotten to where I don't really watch t.v. (summer t.v. is pretty bad anyway) but I need the noise on. Or else my little one, Christian, is watching a movie. It just keeps me company.

It has gone extremely well. We read a lot after church, and take the customary Sunday nap. We go outside as a family and just have fun. There's not really been any complaining, which has been great. I am hoping we can extend our "No T.V." time, but know that we just need to take it a step at a time.

I want Jesus to keep me company. I don't need reruns and mindless shows on in the background, just the companionship of the Creator.

A New Commitment

Well, I've started again. My weight loss journey, that is. I hit the treadmill at the gym. The crazy thing is, when I am there walking, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I see the weights and they are just too overwhelming. I figure that I will at least get started with my cardio work and try to be consistent with that before I even think about weights.

Why can't I keep focused? I am going to turn 40 in a few months and I absolutely hate how I look and feel. Shouldn't that be enough to keep me motivated? I think it's the fact that I want everything to happen overnight. How crazy is that? I know in my heart, it will take time, but it is just so easy to get discouraged.

This time has to be different. I have to do it. I have to remember to keep God first in everything, especially this. I know I can do anything and everything through Him. I think Satan just really knows my weaknesses and hits me hard.

Here's to Living Well!

A Random Act of Kindness

I spent almost two weeks in Houston and was reminded of the ills of big city living. Traffic, traffic, traffic! Also, Houston has the kind of humidity that will literally drench you from head to toe. Needless to say, there was not much that I missed (except for the Tex-Mex).

One sight you will see on almost every corner is someone panhandling. I hate that I am so negative towards these people. It must be hard to stand, for everyone to see, and ask for food and/or money. I am sure many of those people are in desperate need, but I do know that others are looking for drug money or even an easy way to make a few bucks.

As I was waiting at a light on the feeder to the freeway, a man was walking between the lanes of traffic with a bucket for money. A woman in a Range Rover leaned over and through the passenger window, handed him a big Ziploc bag. It was filled with a root bear, soap, various toiletries and snacks.

Wow! What a wonderful idea! She obviously took the time to make up a bag (I'm sure she had a few in her car), put thought into what someone on the street might need, and gave of herself. She was the hands and feet of Christ to that man.

I want to have a heart like that woman. I want to give freely, without judgement. I want to see others as God does. Each and every person a creation in Christ.

Surrender

In the corporate world, you really don't know if you will have a job from one day to the next. Without warning, you could get "the phone call" and be jobless. When I took a job in this world five years ago, I was constantly worried about "the phone call". Thankfully, it has yet to come.

I kept questioning myself and often wondered why I left such a comfortable position in the teaching world to go out to the unknown. I knew it was God, but the uncertainty made me crazy.

I was talking to my boss about our positions in the company today as we heard the news of her boss, and dear friend, resigning to take advantage of a wonderful opportunity. She asked me if I was worried about my job and for the first time in five years I honestly, without reservation told her that I wasn't. I went on to tell her that if the company was going to let me go, there was not much I could probably do about it and that God would be leading me on a different path...a better one.

Wouldn't it be great if we approached everything in our lives this way? To keep in the front of our minds that God has ordained our paths and when one door closes, another will open. It may not open when we want it to or even lead to where we think we should go, but we need to surrender ourselves to God's will completely, and everyday.

I have to remind myself everyday "Not my will, by thy will be done".

"Wadee" and Ladybugs

In a mere hour we will be heading back home! I can't believe we survived the bohemian, one room, student apartment for 12 days! It really has not been that bad, but the thought of my own bed is heavenly.

This morning I took my 2 year old, Christian, for our last walk on campus. He was all excited about seeing the "wadee". Water, that is. There are several ponds with lilypads and running water and he absolutely goes crazy over watching the flies on the water and the little waterfalls.

Well, we had a couple of beautiful surprises this morning. On our way, we saw the most beautiful (and enormous) butterfly. He was black and yellow having a good old time in a patch of flowers. My Christian's eyes were huge. We stood for several minutes watching the beauty of this little creature hopping from flower to flower. When he flew off, Christian blew him a great big kiss. How beautiful is that?

We finally reached our "wadee" destination and while Christian was climbing down from the little ledge that lined the walkway he saw a ladybug. It was all alone, looking for a way down. I put the ladybug on my hand and Christian went nuts! He must have thought I was going to hurt it, so I put it back down and we sat and watched it run around until it disappeared.

Children and innocence. It's a beautiful thing. I am blessed to have a little one in my life again for many reasons, but today, he helped me to see the beauty in the tiniest things God has created.

A Reminder

Both of my sons have a bleeding disorder, Severe Hemophilia A. My 12 year old has not had major complications or "bleeds" and we have been extremely blessed with his journey with hemophilia.

My little one is another story. Everything that Lance did not experience Christian has. Tonight we went to dinner (Japanese Hibachi! YUM!) and as we were leaving the restaurant, Christian was limping. That's the thing with hemophilia, a bleed can happen for no reason.

His ankle was swelling so off we went to the apartment to infuse. It will take several infusions over the next few days to clear it up, but fortunately we have medication that can help him.

I get angry with myself because my selfishness rears its ugly head with hemophilia sometimes. I think to myself, "Great. We need to stop everything and infuse." What I really need to think is, "Great! We can stop and infuse and everything will be okay." I hate that that side of me comes out. It's just not pretty.

Am I thrilled and happy that my sons have to deal with this disorder? No. But I do know for sure that God knew the obstacles they would have in their lives and I am privledged enough that He saw me fit to guide them.

"Thank you, Father, for the lives you have entrusted to my care. I am grateful that we have factor to treat their bleeds and enough love and compassion to deal with the things that hemophilia brings our way."

Working from Home

I work from home and that can truly be a challenge. First of all, you really need to be a highly motivated, self starter, and sometimes you just don't feel like living up to those expectations.

My job allows me to work wherever my laptop and cell phone are able to be connected. The world wide web is an amazing thing. But, working from a home office can get lonely and it does not help my depression at times.

When I was going through some very dark roads after my father died this past fall, my depression was eating my lunch. Working from home was not going well. I truly felt as if my life was falling apart. My husband (the Music Minister at our church) moved my office to his choir room. It truly saved my life. Being around people and having to physically go in to work helped to put me back on track. I am an "honorary staff member". They are wonderful folks.

Today has just been a great Monday. Work has been good, I've been extremely productive my family is together (in our one room apartment until we head home Friday..Woo Hoo!) and the sun is shining.

What can I say, God is Good All the Time!

Being Thankful.....

Yesterday was not a good day. The day before, we traveled from Deming to Denver and arrived at 11:30 pm Sunday night. I decided to bring the boys up to Denver while my husband takes his summer classes at Iliff.

We are in a one room efficiency apartment....the toilet overflowed three times.....I was exhausted and had a conference call at 8 am .......I was not a happy camper.

Needless to say, I was in a very bad mood. I was already trying to decide when me and the boys would be heading back home. I know I stressed my husband out and I really felt bad, but I was miserable! Why did I decide to load up and come for two weeks (of course, it was my idea)?

God helped me to see how selfish I was being. I wanted to pack up and come so we would all be together. I am blessed with a job that allows me to work wherever my laptop and cell phone work, so why not keep the family together?

My husband and I are best friends. We don't do well when the other is away. I mean, we handle the duties of mom/dad fine when the other is gone, but we are so connected. We are truly complete together (I know, that's a bit codependent...but we're close).

Today was a much better day. I was more productive with work, was able to stock the kitchen, went for a walk before the kids were up and just had a better attitude.

We're staying. I am living the saying "Home is where your heart is" because I am with all my guys. It doesn't matter how many rooms you have (or if you have cable) it's all about being together and showing love for each other.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

What a Weekend!

I have been so amazingly blessed. I attended the "She Speaks" conference, put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries, and it was a time I will never forget.

I knew without any doubt that I was led there by God. The messages given by the team of ladies from Proverbs 31 were just amazing. I have come back home with a heart overflowing with the love of Christ.

The funny thing is, I was a little down yesterday. I didn't know what was wrong with me at first, but I had experienced so many emotions throughout the weekend and was on such a high, that I came home and it all just sank in and down I went.

Today is a great day. I just had to give myself time to process the amazing things that happened to me during the weekend and my emotions just went a little crazy.

I think one of the greatest things I came home with is knowing that Lysa, Renee, and all the other speakers are just like me, trying to get through the next thing to do with our children, spouses, homes and life. These ladies became so real to me. They do amazing things with the power of the Holy Spirit. I have been reminded that I, too, can "do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

His Hooks Are In Me

I woke up not feeling right. Physically. I got the boys up and went to church, but I couldn't concentrate in Sunday School. I was coming down with a fever and just started to feel awful. Not today! It's Father's Day! I had plans on making a great dinner and dessert for my husband, but it just didn't happen.

I slept and my husband brought me soup and made dinner for the boys.

Today was also the day I was going to spend a good deal of time finishing my presentations for "She Speaks."

Well, Satan has just gotten hold of me good today. I feel like he put his meat hooks in me and I have doubted myself all day. I have been so busy traveling with work that I haven't had time to devote to my presentations. Maybe I shouldn't be going....am I going to be ready...will I make a fool of myself?

My friend pointed it out to me that Satan just saw an easy target in me today. It still makes it hard to ignore him and do what God has intended. But I know for a fact, that I can withstand anything the devil will bring on.

Those of you out there who are are doubting, don't forget The One who loves you and believes in you. Don't listen to Satan. Tell him "Get gone, Devil! I don't have time for you!" We need to always be strong in Christ! Don't doubt the plans the Lord has for you.

What It's All About

I had one of those moments this past weekend.

My sons and I joined my husband on his weekly journey to Denver for his seminary classes. Since it was the last week of the quarter, we joined him to see where he actually went every week and just spend time together on the road.

On our way home, we stopped off to spend the day in Colorado Springs. It is just a beautiful place. If you have never been to Colorado, you must go just to see the mountains and smell the air. I've heard it referred to as "God's Country" and you can truly see why.

There is a place called the North Pole, also known as Santa Claus Land at the base of Pikes Peak. It is a must for every family to visit. Kid friendly, clean fun. There are rides for the little ones and the entire family. You can go to Santa's House and pay a visit (and take a picture for a nominal fee), send your mail and have it stamped "North Pole, Colorado", and shop until your hearts content. The train ride was a huge hit for my two year old. As we walked throughout the park, just having a fantastic time, I felt God just squeeze my heart and tell me, "This is what it's all about."

God has blessed me with two beautiful sons. They are perfect in every way. Many would think me crazy to say that since they both have hemophilia, but I know that God never makes mistakes. What these two boys have brought to my life is so tremendous, I can't begin to put it into words.

"Thank you, Father God, for pouring blessings over me by entrusting me with the lives of these two beautiful boys."

Hearing His Voice Loud and Clear

Have you ever heard God speak to you so loudly that you almost couldn't make out where He was leading you? That has been happening to me. I know God has spoken to me and is giving me direction. At first I thought I was losing my mind, because I truly did not know what He wanted me to do. Now I do.

I have wanted to develop my speaking ministry for a long time, but never really felt the push. Well, God has practically knocked me down! After a few weeks of several presentations, with the final presentation being a sermon I preached in church on Mothers Day, I knew this is what I was meant to do.

I "accidentally" came across the Proverbs 31 Ministries website and found a "She Speaks" conference devoted to women in leadership, writing and speaking the word of God. It was too perfect! But already full! I put my name on the waiting list, forgot about it and the next day received an email that three spots opened up and I was welcomed to one of them! I signed up and will be attending the conference from June 20 - 22nd. There was even one open speaker evaluation spot left open!

I have no doubt in my mind that God opened this door for me. I am praying that this experience will help give me direction in my ministry.

Sometimes it takes a good knock on the head.

Being Afraid of "The Pit"

Over the past couple of months, my depression has been rearing its ugly head. The blessing of it all is that I feel it happening. It's like I can step out of my body and see physically and emotionally what is happening to my body and mind. I had a planned trip to Houston and extended my stay so that I could see my psychiatrist and therapist.

It was time well spent. My anxiety levels were so high so for long that I felt as if my heart would come out of my body. If you have never experienced anxiety and think people "make it up," it is indeed, very real. It's almost as if you feel like a heart attack is coming on.

After a wonderful session with my therapist, the anxiety subsided. I then saw my psychiatrist and he proceeded to start some changes in my medications. It has been long overdue.

Depression is real. I have seen it coming this time, and have been scared to death to fall down into my pit. The bottom of my deepest, darkest depression is like being in a deep, cold, slimy, stony pit. You can't see daylight, you have nothing to grab onto to get out and it is very cold. I stay cold eventhough it's as if a heavy, cold quilt is covering me.

The crazy thing for me, is that I can still function. I can get the kids off to school and I can work, but my heart and mind and soul are not all there. I had started to see my work slipping, my household obligations slipping and my obligations to being there "completely" to my family slipping. I just am so thankful to God that He helped me see what was happening so that I could get the help I needed.

I didn't sink all the way down into the pit this time, and I am slowly climbing out.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2

"Ta-Da!"

I was so blessed to hear Christian author, Liz Curtis Higgs, this past weekend. She was the keynote speaker at the Celebration Womens' Ministry Spring Conference. She is funny, passionate and uplifting to hear. What a treat! She really hit home for me. Liz talked about how we, as women, will look in the mirror in disgust at what we see. How we constantly compare ourselves to an ideal that is practically impossible to achieve. Instead of groaning and looking at our faults, we should get in front of the mirror each morning and say "Ta-Da!" Because, we, his Beloved ones, are made the way we are, in his image. I've heard people say "God doesn't make junk." If we truly believe that, then why do we constantly put ourselves through the comparison process? Why aren't we good enough the way we are? Yes, I know, we need to stay healthy and eat right and exercise, but doing those things doesn't always guarantee you will be a size 6. I have known some very physically "fit" people who were large and some very physically "unfit" people who were supermodel thin. Taking care of our bodies should be a priority. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor god with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19

I struggle with my body image everyday. But I have made a promise to myself to work on my mindset and say "Ta-Da!" everyday. God has a perfect plan and you and I are in it! Isn't that amazing? I am surely not going to say that He didn't do good enough in making me who I am, right at this moment. But I will definitely work harder each day to honor God by taking care of myself.

A Fresh Start

I look at my last post, which was Decemberr 2006 and realize how different of a place I was in compared to now. I was completely exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. When my youngest, Christian, had all of his medical problems in Houston, I didn't realize how it completely drained me. When we came home in December, things calmed down a bit, but in January it started up again and he was horribly sick and back in the hospital. You do what you have to do as a parent and have to completely trust in God to know that all things will work for the plan God has for us. His plan is perfect, even if we don't understand why we have to endure the many things that are put in our path. I have come to understand and appreciate a scripture from 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have started many new chapters in my life since January 2006. So many events have helped to mold me and guide me in my spiritual journey. I am grateful for everything, regardless of how difficult the circumstance. I give thanks to God, for the path He has chosen for me.