A Special Relationship

I am so blessed. I picked up my oldest from school today and as we were leaving the parking lot, he confided in me (I really don't want to be specific). It was something that warmed my heart. My 12 year old son tells me everything! I know, times will change, but I know that when I was 12 I didn't confide in my mom the way he confides in me.

Oh, how I hope he feels as close to me years from now as he does today!

It's like my relationship with Christ. I have depended on Him completely and given myself to Him freely, but there are times I have strayed and not given Him my utmost in confidence. I hate when that happens. He knows I have a deep love for Him and regardless of where I am in life, He loves me.

I will always love my son, whether he confides in me completely or not. It will never change the way I feel about him.

Be Still Sunday

Small Town Living

Today is a perfect, New Mexico day. The sky is amazingly blue and the clouds are white, puffy and floating along without a care in the world. It's in the upper 70's and it's Fair Day. The kids are out of school and the fair parade is the big "to do" for the day. My oldest is marching with the band in his first parade. I haven't really thought much of it, I mean, it's just a parade, right?

My little one and I find a spot on the main street and park our chairs (why I brought him a chair, I have no clue). He is busy playing with the rocks and starts to get excited when he hears the firetrucks! Here they come! The ROTC, the Girl Scouts, the Grand Marshall, and here comes the band!

As I am frantically looking for my son to capture the perfect picture, I spot him and for a split second I am back in the delivery room on June 23, 1996 holding him for the first time. The tears just start to pour. Luckily, despite my "being a woman", I snap a shot. (He is in the black shirt to the right).



Our children grow so fast. I must admit that there are many days that I take advantage of the fact that I assume we will all have another day together. There is no guarantee. I don't mean to be morbid, but it is reality. We have to live life to the fullest everyday! I don't want my depression to rob me of another day. I pray that Christ will shine through me in all I do and in my children. I plan to live everyday with more passion than ever.

Sinking....

This week started with a very successful business trip to Chicago. It was all good. Good travel, not being rushed, good business, good connections, etc. Then Wednesday came and I had no energy. Quick trips can really take alot out of you, especially when you are not accustomed to traveling every week like many of my colleagues.

I have been sinking. Sinking into my pit. I want to do nothing but curl up and sleep. I haven't been very productive with my work or my duties at home. My hubby is off to Denver as of this morning and back tomorrow, so it is all up to me to take care of the kids. My desire to be a mom is even just about gone.

Just when I think my depression is cured, Satan gets a hold of me. I think clinical depression is like an addiction in some respects. You can control it by various methods, but it is never completely gone.

I pray for healing in my soul. For Satan to get his claws out of me. For the light of Christ to shine in me stronger than ever.

Be Still Sunday

Being Thankful

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. the fact that I don't teach school anymore!
2. lemonade
3. lunch with a friend
4. Nemo
5. mechanical pencils

Blessings!

The Scale

I've gotten in the habit of weighing myself on Wednesday mornings. I think I need to stop. I have been working so hard by going to the gym Monday through Friday and working with a personal trainer. It's been good. I do feel better and have been pushing myself and feeling really good about it.

I know my body is changing, and I feel good, but why do I get wrapped up in the number on the scale?

I am NOT the number on the scale! I am so much more than that.

I am a child of God, who has been called to speak His truths. I am a wife and mother who keeps the house running through bleeds and a husband traveling out of state to seminary once a week. (And I do the occasional business trip as well). I am a minister to women, I am a friend and a confidant, etc., etc.

Do you get the picture? You are all these things and more! Don't let the number on the scale overwhelm you and dictate to you what you think of yourself!

I bought a small, spiral notebook and have started filling it with scripture and quotes that speak to me. I've put it on the treadmill (to cover the timer) and fill my heart with these words as I am pushing myself to get through those "30 minutes".

This is the scripture that has been on my heart:

"Commit to the Lord everything you do. Then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

The scripture does not say Commit to the Lord everything you do "perfectly"...or Commit to the Lord everything you do "successfully"... We need to commit everything we do to Him. My mind wanders while I am on the treadmill, and yesterday I made it a point to fill it with prayers and His word.

My prayer is for you to fill your hearts with His word. Go to Him in everything you do.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my iPod
2. coffee
3. my auto mechanic offering us a payment plan
4. freedom to work flexible hours
5. my dog snoring

Passion

I have had a great start to my week. I was given the opportunity to speak to a group in Nebraska (via conference call) about customer service. When I speak about customer service, it is in relation to caring for those with bleeding disorders.

I have a passion for educating. I taught middle school band in the Texas Public School System for thirteen years before I came to my current job. Now, I get to educate people caring for those with bleeding disorders such as hemophilia, which my sons are afflicted with.

The other area my passion has "oozed" into is speaking to women's groups about Christ and how He works in our lives. My ministry is in the early stages of development, and it is really exciting.

I never dreamed my passion would be speaking. I always thought it would be music. Music is still a passion of mine (I am an oboist) but I never dreamed it would change. (With my fortieth birthday looming, I have been reflecting a bit too much).

Sometimes I am overwhelmed at how God has worked in my life. Through what many would think is devastation, hemophilia has blessed me in countless ways. Through the dissolution of the relationship with my sister, I have found who I truly am through Christ and otherwise may not know Him the way I do now.

He has ignited a passion in me. A passion to share His word.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. incense
2. the lingering, morning breeze
3. Hurricane Ike sparing much damage to my family
4. hope
5. Proverbs 31 Ministries

The Enemy....

Yes, the enemy knows where to attack us, doesn't he? I actually said, out loud, "I am so glad the boys are back to normal". Well, not long after that comment yesterday, my little one developed another bleed. It is under control, but it will take infusing throughout the weekend.

The enemy has been using hemophilia against me lately. The ugliness and pain that hemophilia can inflict on a person has shown up in my boys. If I could take their pain away, I would, but I can't. I know I am being tested. I have to rely on God through all things but I find myself so absorbed in "the problem" that I forget that He is waiting on me.

He meets me where I am. When I am about to shed tears over the pain my boys endure, when I am stressed out because my little one is having a bleed and my husband is out of town, when I "fall off the wagon" and overeat because I need to be comforted, He is there. He is my comfort. I hate that I give in to other things to comfort me.

I fall short of the mark in making Christ my center. I desperately want to go to Him in all things...even when things are great and uneventful, I want to go to Him with everything I have.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. having a great workout
2. ice, cold water
3. being productive at work
4. clean, folded clothes
5. eating oranges with my little one

Living Well

Darlene wrote a great post today about "Associative Learning". It's about how we automatically associated certain behaviors with the other. For me, when the television goes on, I want to grab a snack, hungry or not!

I've become very aware of that within the past few weeks and am trying to do others things. (I'm trying to cut back on my television watching....not easy to do). It just takes a minute to really divert your thinking. Putting in a load of clothes, spending 5 minutes cleaning out a junk drawer, organizing my scrapbooking closet. Believe me, I have tons of things I can do rather than watch television and eat.

But yes, I know, there is nothing wrong with "vegging out" in front of the television. I just can't make a habit of doing it everyday anymore.

All I can do in my quest to Live Well is take it one day at a time and remember that I am not the number on the scale.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Where He Meets Us

I had a revelation last night. Despite all of the craziness with my boys having bleeding episodes recently and dealing with my own weight loss struggle, you know who is always there? God. He meets us right where we are at. If it's at the depths of depression or when we are on high when our children are successful, God is there.

He knows we are broken people, yet He loves us with a love we can hardly comprehend. Why wouldn't I spend time everyday with someone this wonderful? There is no excuse. If God loves me with an everlasting love, I need to show Him that I love him back.

The beauty of it is, that I don't have to wait until I lose weight or have been the "perfect" mom for the day before I spend time with God. He takes me as I am and will help me accomplish the things that I strive for.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. ice cold water
2. my husband dropping the kids off at school
3. making moves forward in my ministry
4. the ability to write in an open forum
5. the cool, desert mornings

Complacency

Have you ever become complacent about anything? You know, just take things for granted? I have come face to face with complacency these past two weeks. My sons live with hemophilia. My oldest, Lance, has never had complications. We just treat his condition and go about our business. No problems. Until August 25th when he developed a pretty serious bleed.

All of a sudden, right between the eyes, it hit me. "Oh, yeah, my son has hemophilia!"

Something else I have been complacent about is the time I spend with God. When things are going well, and I go about my business, the kids are well, my husband is good, I'm feeling fine, I "forget" to spend my quality time with the Lord.

He waits on me everyday. But do I show up everyday?

I am getting better at protecting my time with God. When I have my quiet time and spend time in His word, my day is just better.

Have you become complacent about anthing ? Are you protecting your quiet time with God?

Things I Am Thankful For:
1. Seeing Lance's injury begin to heal
2. top quality medical care
3. temperatures in the 80's
4. Beth Moore
5. exfoliating lotion

Living Well

I am happy to say that today is a better day. My oldest son is still struggling with healing over the bleed he has been battling, but he is improving. My little one is good, so that makes things so much better in the dynamics of our family this week.

I went to the gym last night, even though my heart was not into it initially, and I am so glad I did. My routine on the treadmill is becoming easier! Yeah for improvement! My eating has been a little off kilter with all of the issues with my boys. I tend to eat when I get depressed or stressed....sound familiar?

Things are better and I am positive the rest of the week will be a success.

To visit others "Living Well" go to http://christianwomenonline.net/live_well.html.

Yuck

Yuck. That's how I feel today. Both of my sons are having bleeding issues (hemophilia). My oldest has been home three days from school due to a bleed and my husband took our little one to the treatment center 3 1/2 hours away to get his port checked. They are on the mend, but when they hurt and have problems, it hurts me deep down. I'd rather it be me.

As for taking care of myself, that's not going well right now. I just feel defeated. I even took the day off today to try and renew my focus, but I've just wasted the day. I hate getting like this.

I know I can do all things through Christ, I just fall into this pit from time to time and it eats me up.

Today I Am Thankful For

1. a clean kitchen
2. remote controls
3. tea
4. my husband offering to let me stay home
5. good smelling lotion

How to Look Good Naked

Have you seen the show "How to Look Good Naked?" I will admit that I have watched a few episodes and after a few times, you just start to feel really bad that a woman is putting herself out there in such a vulnerable way. I could not even imagine going on that show!

Women who have issues with their bodies go on to the show and the host, Carson Kressley, walks them through why they feel the way they do about their bodies. He asks, as they are in their underwear and bras, what they like and don't like about their body. Then, they rate themselves by comparing themselves to other women (also in bras and panties) to see where they think they stack up. Are they bigger or smaller, etc.

A week or so ago, I flipped on the show after it had already started, and Carson was showing a woman two life sized portraits of two very beautiful women. They were not overweight and he asked her what she liked about each of them. After a few minutes, he asked the models of the photos to come out from behind the pictures and they did not look at all like the photos. They had been airbrushed! The women from behind the photos were overweight and flawed....they were "real" women.

I loved this exercise in truth! The images we see on a daily basis are so often not reality. The woman who studied the photos was just blown away when they walked out and revealed their true selves.

After this portion of the show, the woman goes through a full makeover and does a photo shoot "naked" (covered in strategic places). In the end, you see women start to heal. They start to see themselves for who they really are and not the extra weight that is on them. That is the true message of the show.

Darlene tells us that when we "Live Well" we need to focus not on the weight and the food (especially when we "mess up") but on Christ. Who do we live for? Who do we want to "ooze" and shine through our every move? Jesus.

I pray that each of you go out this week with a renewed focus on who you serve in all things. And remember that you have been made by the Creator of the Univerese. You are perfect in his eyes.
Blessings

Today I Am Grateful For:

1. My new laptop!
2. Factor 8 that treats my sons bleeds
3. Rain
4. My husband
5. Kind words from a colleague

Oh, My G**!

Have you noticed how people carelessly throw around the name of the Lord? Most every reaction you hear is "Oh, my G**"! When I was younger, I used that expression all the time. Then I started to think about it. What did I really mean? Whom was I talking about? I realized my reactions to simple, and unimportant things...things that didn't take much thought...were punctuated with the name of the Creator of the Universe.

Is it too hard to say, "Oh, my gosh?" or "Oh, my goodness?"

We need to think twice about the words that come out of our mouths. Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Some may think that using the word "God" as an exclamation is not unholy, but I think it is more of an issue of reverence. Do we revere God in only his works and word not the proclaimation of His name? In the Jewish tradition, you will see Yahweh written as Y*****. They will not speak or write his name out of reverence. I think that is pretty amazing.

Choosing your language, and exclaimations, just may impress on others what you are and are not saying.

Today I am grateful for:
1. New kitchen floors!
2. a hard workout at the gym
3. an ice, cold 44 oz SONIC Diet Coke
4. the sounds of the handbells rehearsing at church
5. peaches

There's No Place Like Home

It is the third and final day of my business trip in Missouri. I am so ready to go home. So many people think traveling is "glamorous", but in truth, it gets old quick. I don't travel nearly as much as most of my colleagues and I can tell you this, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

It's really hard to "Live Well" when you are traveling. Last night we had a huge going away dinner for my boss and when you are in those situations, it's just hard to keep control. I did really well given the circumstances. The only thing is, I didn't work out. It had been an extremely long day into evening and I had a headache, so I went to my room and called it a night.

I am looking forward to going home, not just so that I can get back on my schedule of eating the way I should and exercising, but I just miss my guys.

Today I am grateful for:
1. 10 minute breaks in a long meeting
2. Tylenol
3. Sharing memories with colleagues
4. Hearing my sons voices on the phone
5. A great, big glass of iced tea

Join other women in their quest to "Live Well" by visiting http://www.christianwomenonline.net/live_well_wednesdays.html.

A Small Victory

Last night I had a business dinner. It was casual, as our team hasn't been together in a while. I love the team I work with. We are from all over the country and just mesh together so well. I am one of the oldest members on the team (not just in age, but in time with the company also). I ended up sitting next to a member from "Corporate" who is not a "member of our team", but is someone who is taking over as a person we answer to. I was pretty nervous. But it was great! We made great small talk and found that we had a few things in common and he was truly interested in the part I played on our team. The nerves disappeared! Victory for me! I felt as if I belonged (I've always known I did, but it's the demons playing games in my mind....)

I also worked out after dinner in the hotel exercise room! That, has never happened before. I "Lived Well" yesterday despite the traveling and business that happened around me. Woo Hoo!

Today I am grateful for:
1. Hearing my little one blow me kisses on the phone.
2. Hearing my oldest being jazzed about the 7th grade!
3. Feeling my worth.
4. A cool summer evening in Missouri.
5. Bottled water.

Blessings!

Gratitude

I am traveling on business to St. Louis today. During my layover in Dallas, early this morning, I went in search of a very large cup of coffee. My mind has not been settled. Whenever I go on certain business trips where “schmoozing” will be involved, I get in a very bad place in my mind. I second guess my worth, my knowledge, my contributions to the company and then I go into the “I don’t look the part”. “I cant’ lose weight fast enough, blah, blah, blah. As I walked “in search of”, I overheard a woman behind me on her cell phone. She sounded as if she was talking to a family member and said, “Her right arm and leg are paralyzed……….” That’s all I remember. That’s all I needed to hear. Here I am getting down on myself because of my appearance and there is someone who has lost the use of two of their limbs! I immediately asked God to forgive me. I can be so selfish. The things I find important or I should say the things that consume me, are trite in the grand scheme of the world.
Do we thank God often enough for what we have? Our health, our family, that we can worship as we please, that we have more than enough food to eat, that we can earn an honest living. Something I did regularly, quite some time ago, was to write in a “Gratitude Journal”. At the end of the day I would write down five things I was grateful for, no matter how large or small. I am starting that today. I encourage you to do the same. What are some of the things you are grateful for?
Today I am grateful for:
1. The unexpected hour I had to wait for the shuttle and was able to write.
2. The ability to walk through the airports without needing assistance.
3. For my husband, who takes over the “Mommy” stuff when I travel (and does a beautiful job).
4. A job that allows me freedom in my schedule and to work from home.
5. The calling the Lord has put on my heart to write and speak His word.

Want versus Need

I just read a great devotional by Darlene at Living Well Wednesday. She talks about "Hunting and Pursuing". I catch myself, so often, trying to get more. More stuff. I know the differnce between want and need, but so often I just go for the "want". It's the same with food. Am I really hungry, or do I just want to eat because I'm bored? Perhaps I've just finished a meal and I am satisfied, but that pie looks awfully good. I want it, I don't need it!

I am trying to change my want vs. need mentality in all ways, especially where food is concerned.

What about Christ? My relationship is with Him is definitely a need. I try to pursue Him everyday, but so often I fall short and don't follow through. I let life get so busy that I forget to spend time and make that time that I spend with Him a priority. It is a need. A need that once I grab onto will fill me up in all ways.

I hope you are Living Well. Not just by meeting your physical needs but most especially in letting Christ consume you.