A Reminder

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."  Psalm 40:1-3

God never loses sight of you.

Over the past few weeks, my life has been upside down.  Depression is a horrible thing.  It takes you to places that no one should go. 

Between my depression and "Christian's" recent hospital stay it has been an extremely difficult time.

I finally feel as if my head has begun to clear and I truly remembered that I have not been alone.  God has kept me in the palm of His hand throughout this rough patch.  I know, a pastor's wife should know this, but when you struggle, the enemy can advantage and plant doubt in you before you have a chance to realize what has happened.

As I was making dinner last night (one of the first productive things I've done in some time) I lit a candle in the kitchen.  Every time I see a flame I think of Christ's light.  Candles have always reminded me that Christ was with me.  Always. 

Sometimes we have to go to dark places to find the light again.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Candy corn

2.  Fresh apple pie

3.  Dirty clothes

4.  cold toes
5.  candle

Empty

I have absolutely nothing right now.

I am completely empty.

Life is trying to settle back into a rhythm.

I will be back soon to celebrate my 500th post!

Blessings to you.

The Most Awful Night

Wednesday night was one of the worst nights of my life. My "Christian" came into the hospital due to an ankle bleed on Tuesday. We could not control his pain at home. His ankle bleeds are notoriously painful….just off the charts.

A morphine pump had to be used and he could just get comfortable. His pain was unbearable. Long story short, it was too much. He got into the kind of deep sleep that children going into surgery get into. He would not wake up. I kept rubbing his legs and arms and kept wiping his face with a wet cloth. I was out of my mind! The room was filled with doctors and nurses working to get him to wake up and they gave him medicine to reverse the morphine. It was so painful to watch him come off the morphine.

For a moment, which seemed like an eternity, I thought he would not wake up. What would I do if he did not wake up? It was the worst feeling of my life.

You think you know what hemophilia is all about. The bleeds, the infusing, talking to the school nurse constantly, having boxes and boxes of supplies...enough to open a small pharmacy...and you get so enveloped into the hemophilia that you don't think that something else could happen.

Years ago some friends of ours, with a 2 year old son who had severe hemophilia, died from choking. Choking. Their lives were so immersed into the bleeding disorder that nothing else ever crossed their minds and it was devastating.

I'm not saying we should worry about living, but when you have a wake up call like I did, it reminds you to not take things for granted. Build Legos, snuggle and watch a movies, take their hand and follow them to their room to play.

We never know when our last day will be, so let's make the most of each and every moment.

Tears

I've shed lots and lots of tears over the past couple of weeks.

It just recently hit me that my sadness was surrounding the passing of my Dad, even though it's been five years.  But I was also very vulnerable because I had been pretty sick (and was really good at hiding it from most) and finally had to cave in and miss a few days of work to take care of myself.

Now that I am healing and on the other side of the anniversary of my Dad's passing, things are brighter.

A wise friend in my Bible Study class said that "if we don't have tears, we cannot see the rainbow."  Some great perspective.

When we come to those times in our lives where everything seems to be falling apart, we have health concerns, are feeling great loss...we wonder where God is at.  "How can He let these things happen to me?  Why aren't things better?"

What we forget to realize is that He is holding us close always.  His arms are wrapped around us throughout the storms in our lives and His heart breaks for us.  But once the storm is over and dancing begins, God is the first one to celebrate with us.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28  (MSG)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Hot air balloons

2. Serving communion

3. Clothes to launder

4. Finally having the DVD's find a home on shelves - thank you hubby :)

5. tears

I Miss Him

Today is a bittersweet day.  It's my 44th birthday and the 5th anniversary of the day my Dad passed away.  I am so blessed to share this day with him, even if it was a sad one. 

 

I adored my Dad.  

He held his emotions and feelings very close.  He was not one to say "I love you" out loud, but he sure did show love to my family by the hours he spent working as a school administrator.  To this day I compare everyone's work ethic to that of my Dad.  The desire he had to always be better and not settle for less than your absolute best was just the norm...I can clean a mean yard and paint a house like nobody's business :).

The moment I cherish the most with my Dad came when he was at the end of his life.  He did not speak anymore and I was not sure if he understood what was happening to him.  It was an extremely sad way to see a person end their life.  He was so strong and vital and to see him confined to his bed was devastating. 

One day I was talking to him and out of nowhere, he reached his arm out to me looked me straight in the eyes and pat my shoulder.  It was one of the most powerful, meaningful moments of my life.

When you lose a parent, part of your soul goes with them.  When you lose both, you are never the same.  I don't have a mom or dad to call when something amazing happens in my life.  When my "Christian" loses another tooth, or when "Lance" gets excited about college….those are moments that I cannot pick up the phone and tell Mom and Dad about.  Yes, there are many that love us and celebrate in those triumphs, but it's just never the same.

I am so fortunate to have been loved by my parents.  I pray that my children know, with every fiber of their being, that I love them.

Feeling Lousy

To say I feel lousy is such an understatement right now.  To top everything off I have a toothache and my husband is out of town :(  Three of my friends have lost parents over the weekend, my little one is not "wanting" to infuse and making it very difficult, and it's just already been a hard week.

It's only up from here :)

I have a lot brewing in my mind and heart and will be back to share with you next week.

Blessings to you all.

The End of Something in a Sunrise

I just spent a few days in Houston for business and pleasure.  My main goal was to work with some patients and it was fantastic!  I don't get to go on home visits too often and this was time extremely well spent and energizing for me professionally.

I was also able to visit my house.  The house that became our home for 7 years and the house that my mother in law called home for 5 more years.  It was the home that I brought my sweet "Christian" home to and the home that I just fell in love with. 

It's empty now and on the market.  I stopped by to check on things and had no idea how emotional I would get.  Seeing the home empty of "things" for the first time truly affected me.  It made me finally realize that my life is no longer in Texas….I am now a "New Mexican". 

The selling of our home (hopefully soon) will truly wrap up a huge part of life.  It's just symbolic...leaving the past behind.  The past six years in New Mexico have been amazing, and they are just getting better.

The funny thing is that while I was in Houston I saw the most beautiful sunset and sunrise.  It's almost as if "someone" was telling me that it was truly time to let go and move on.

Today I Am Thankful For:

         1.  Air freshener
         2.  Long drives
         3.  Lunch with an old friend

           4.  Early birthday celebrations

           5.  Canned peaches

Sabbath

What does your Sunday look like?

Bible study, worship, lunch, youth group…...possibly a movie, or even housework before the work week begins.  Everyone has a different routine on their Sunday.  In the home of a pastor, you can imagine that a big part of the day revolves around church.  We like to take it easy in the afternoon before youth but sometimes we end up running around for one thing or another.

Sabbath means "the seventh day of the week."  Most people think of Sabbath as "Sunday" and understand it to mean "rest".  Back in the time of Jesus, it was a time that was truly meant for worship and rest.  For many, the idea of Sabbath is simply attending a church service.  In our society, putting aside an entire day to rest is almost impossible.  So how do we observe the Sabbath?

 Perhaps we need to take "Sabbath moments" throughout each day instead of one entire day.  Yes, I know, many of you will disagree, but for those of us that cannot devote an entire day to rest, this may be a great alternative.

 A Sabbath moment can be as simple as praying for a loved one while you are stopped at a red light, reading a devotional book at bedtime with your spouse, or even devoting a lengthier time to prayer and devotion on  a daily basis.  The thing to remember is that life does happen in a flash and sometimes our best intentions of spending time with Christ go unanswered.  But if you think about the moments in your day that you can stop, breathe, and praise God, you have the chance of enriching your spiritual life.

How can you incorporate the idea of Sabbath moments into your life?

 

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Today I am Thankful For:

1. The night sky in the mountains of New Mexico

2.  Home cooked meals

3.  An afternoon cat nap

4.  Hummingbirds

5.  Scented wax warmers

Inhale...Exhale

 

 

I am overflowing with gratitude these days.

     Our new church is, well, to say wonderful and fantastic is an understatement.

      The first cool nip of fall is in the air.

     My last couple of things in my house are coming together after the move.

      Our Aunt Jessie is in town for a good visit (and will be watching the kids for a few days as we go on a mini-       retreat :).

     My first sermon at the church retreat this coming weekend.

     My children are doing fantastic in school, my husband is happy…..I just can't for anything more.

    And I have a boss who I can talk to and be open with.

 I could go on and on with my list, but the one thing I have found that is almost overwhelming is the love that I feel in my life.  Not just the love I give, but the love that is shown to me. 

 I am able to inhale and exhale a bit deeper these days...I can't ask for anything more.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Pinterest!
2.  The laundry is all done
3.  Anticipating time away

4.  Good health

5.  CD/DVD storage units

Hum Drum Moments

My days are filled with schedule now that school has started.  Dropping off "Lance", devotional time, breakfast, "Christian" getting ready for school followed by work and then going the rounds of picking up in the afternoon. 

 It's easy to get complacent and miss out on the beauty of the "hum drum".  Hum drum meaning, cooking dinner, driving kids to school, getting bath water ready, washing dishes...I just get on auto pilot sometimes.

Last night I had a moment with my little Christian.  I was baking cookies, ironing, cleaning the kitchen and helping him with his 1st grade homework.  As I leaned over his shoulder to hear him practice his reading, something made me completely stop.  For a moment I breathed in the smell of my son's neck.  It was that smell that only mom's of little boys can love and appreciate...a smell filled with sweat, dirt and puppy dogs.  I don't remember the exact words he read, but I could see the sweat on his brow as he concentrated.

I just adore my children and my husband.  Sometimes I feel as though I take them for granted.  I need to take time to enjoy those moments in each day of the hum drum happenings of life.  You never know when your last day will come, and I want to cherish every part of what I have been blessed with in this world.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Oatmeal cookies

2.  Freshly pressed curtains
3.  Pencils with a dull point
4.  The whirring of a ceiling fan
5.  schedule

Frying Chicken

 

I love the movie "The Help."  One of my favorite characters is the loud mouthed, sassy, Minnie Jackson, who is a maid for one of the ladies in Jackson.  One of her jobs is teaching her boss Celia Foote, how to cook.  She tells Celia that one of her favorite things to do is fry chicken.  Because everything seems better when you're frying chicken.

I was thinking about Minnie Jackson this evening as I fried up a big "mess of chicken."  Me and my men are going to the mountains for a picnic and hiking tomorrow and we never go to the mountains without fried chicken.

It's funny, but Minnie is right.  When you fry chicken, everything just seems to get better.  Your mind slows down while you season the flour and dip each piece into the milk.  It's a process that cannot be rushed.  I spent the time in prayer for my family, for a dear friend who passed away, for the family who will buy our home in Houston (not sure who it is yet….) and also in giving thanks for the happiness of my family.

Sometimes it takes something as routine as frying chicken to slow down and give thanks.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.   Lemon pepper

2.  Coupon books

3.  An afternoon filled with errands

4.  Ideas

5.  The smell of fried chicken

Talking and Laughing

"Lance" came home today talking a mile a minute.  Remember, this is my son who has not been excited about school in a few years.  He is now involved with the drama department at the high school and is so excited he could hardly put into words the events of his day.  He ended by saying "I've just had a great day."  My heart was overflowing with thanks when I heard those words come out of his mouth.

Talking and talking and talking...a beautiful sound.

 And the laughter!  I don't care what has happened in our day, my Junior in High School and First Grader both expect to be tickled by their Dad!  It's madness!  They have code to scream out at the top of their lungs in order for their Dad to stop….for Lance it's "MINERVA!" and for Christian it's "MONSTER TRUCK MINERVA!"  (I know, it makes no sense :)

This is one of those days where I know, without any doubt, that my children are utterly happy...

My family is in one of the best places they have ever been in…

And my God is with me despite my shortcomings, always.

It just doesn't get better.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Popcorn

2.  A new project with my hubby

3.  Cleaning ladies

4.  Beads

5.  The first "crisp" feeling in the air

Wake up Calls and Second Chances

The night before I have to catch a flight, I set at least two alarms.  I'm worried I won't wake up in time.

When I am in a hotel and have an early meeting the next morning, I set two alarms and have the hotel wake up service give me a call (always waking up before any alarm goes off).

But sometimes wake up calls come in different ways. 

A second chance given for making up a grade at school…

Almost losing a job and determining your life's passion…

Even having a health scare that gives you another chance to get your life in shape.

I bet we could all list off a few times in our lives when we have been given a second chance. 

Isn't it amazing the "chances" God has given us….and continues to give us on a daily basis?

His love is all encompassing.  He never turns his back on us even when we continue to turn ours on Him.

Lamentations 3:23 tell us that His mercies are new every morning.  Every morning we wake up, we have another chance to make something better.  I am going to make it a point to continue working on my relationship with Christ to be even stronger.  Christ, the source of my steadiness will keep me at peace when those wake up calls come along.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  kindness

2.  lack of sleep

3.  my iPad

4.  treadmills

5.  good test results

Out of the Blue

Sometimes something comes to you out of the blue...right when you need it.  A phone call from an old friend, finding an old photo that brings back a wonderful memory, or getting a card in the mail from someone who took the time to think about you.  Last week, that "out of the blue" moment came to me at work.  I won a contest for submitting the best idea to our team (and received a cash prize to boot)!  It is my answer to being able to attend a speaker's conference in January :)

 

Honestly, things have been pretty rough lately.  The crazy thing is that there is not one thing in  my life going wrong.  Not one!  Actually, things are the best they have been in years!  But when you suffer from clinical depression it doesn't matter.  Everything can be as perfect as perfect can be, but when that shroud of depression hovers over you, it's a big fight to keep moving.  Over the years I have gotten much better at fighting my depression.  Used to be I would give in completely to it, but now I know the signs, can feel it coming on, and talk openly about it with my husband.  It just makes for really difficult days.

 

That surprise just helped me fight my way out of a really bad place.  You just never know what will matter.  Yes, a surprise and cash prize will make just about anyone happy, but how that surprise changed me meant more than any amount of money every could.  I had no idea when I submitted that idea that I would win...I'm just glad I listened and followed through.

 

You never know what is going to change a person's day.  Your smile, taking time for a phone call, including a person in your lunch group...you just have to listen to that voice within you.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  surprises
2.  a new face cream
3.  Sunday afternoon's
4.  homemade tortillas
5.  just right Spanish rice :)

Wow! Thank you, God!

My 16 year old, "Lance", has been in on-line school for the past two years.  It's not been a good fit.  We had to pull him out of public school due to some really serious bullying and at the time, it was the only choice.  Yesterday he went back to public school, as a junior, and I'll be honest, the night before I could not sleep because I was so worried about him.  He had a fantastic day!  Thank you, God!  Lance walked into the house with a spring in his step like I haven't seen in a very, long time.

And my 6 year old, "Christian", met his 1st grade teacher on Wednesday.  All I can say is "SHAZAM!"  She is fantastic!  My husband and I absolutely love her :)  We instantly had a connection with her and I am really looking forward to the school year.  She even asked me to come in for story time on Monday to talk to the class about hemophilia.  I am really excited.

To be honest, Monday, and Tuesday were pretty yucky for me...my depression was starting to play with me and I was just having a really bad time.  Wednesday came and things were looking up...I started to sink again...but when my Lance came in after school, it completely lifted my spirits.

My children are my heart and soul.  I want nothing more than for them to be happy.

Let's face it, they are the only ones who know what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  backpacks
2.  freshly sharpened pencils
3.  shopping for school clothes
4.  phone calls from dear friends
5.  new, spiral notebooks

An Afternoon Filled With Happiness

Some people would describe a happy, Sunday afternoon as a nap, going to the movies, playing with the kids, or maybe even a good round of golf.  Last Sunday was a very happy afternoon for me.  I was able to sit uninterrupted for a few hours and do work for church.  Ministry work.  I spent time planning for events that are coming up...a new bible study, a women's ministry kickoff...fun stuff!  But when you work full time, cook, clean, etc. sometimes the things that bring you joy (hobbies and such) are way far down the list.

Ministry is where my heart is.  Not only ministry in church, but ministry through my day job as well(helping care for people with bleeding disorders and serving as a touchpoint for our national team).

Passion can be found in many places through many outlets...but where does your mind take you when you daydream?  You may find that it's where your heart belongs.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Video games
2.  School starting!!
3.  Planning
4.  Dinner with new friends

5.  Daydreams

Reverence

I used to think reverence was only attributed to the Divine. You know, like making the sign of the cross as you crossed in front of the altar of the church or simply whispered when you were inside of a church out of respect. 

I recently had an unexpected, beautiful moment while I was at a conference in San Diego.  Our new friends from New Mexico were there with their three boys (2 with hemophilia) and their newest addition was only about 5 weeks old!  One day they joined us for lunch so I ate quickly and took the baby so his mom and dad could eat uninterrupted (I remember that was a nice treat with a newborn).  The baby started to fuss after a little bit, so we walked.  In the midst of a hotel banquet room with the clinking of silverware, voices floating through the room and the air buzzing with laughter and conversation, here I was in a quiet, savory moment with this precious little one.  Despite the craziness around us, it was a moment of reverence….a moment of awe.  A moment that took me back to holding my children when they were new to this world. 

I don't think I stopped smiling as I held this beautiful little creature.  The moment took me away from my tired feet, my troubles and worries, and I focused on what at that moment was the most divine.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Homemade chocolate/peanut butter cookies

2.  AFV

3.  Old printers

4.  Golf tournaments

5.  An afternoon filled with work for ministry

Rest for My Soul

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30 (NIV)

I just returned from San Diego.  My family attended an educational summit on hemophilia and inhibitors.  It was a great time of meeting new friends, learning about new treatments and just being able to get away and enjoy each other.  Sometimes it takes a "meeting" or special event to get our families away from the daily grind.

Work, school, cooking, cleaning, hemophilia...the list goes on.  We all have burdens to carry.  Some are heavier than others.  But the best part of burden carrying is when you are able to find rest for your soul.  Finding rest for my soul has been in not just finding God in the walls of my church on Sunday mornings, but in seeing the calm waters of the San Diego bay, watching my husband's excitement over fresh seafood, our tired feet from all of the walking, and just breathing in another, hot New Mexico day.

 Letting go and experiencing rest for my soul is a treasure.  It can come at the most unexpected times and places, we just have to acknowledge the gift so that we can continue to carry our loads.

 Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Clean sheets

2. Shuttle buses

3. Peaches and plums

4. Great pictures from a getaway

5. Lotion on tired feet

Looking in the Mirror

Have you ever had someone tell you "You sure look like your Mom/Dad?"  I never thought I  looked like my mother, but as the years have passed, I stare in the mirror and see her looking right back at me.  I wish I knew then what I know now about how she must have felt and what she was going through. 

Sixteen years ago today she passed away. 

It seems like a lifetime ago.  So many things have happened.  Milestones in my life that happened without my mom…..seeing my oldest grow up, the birth of my "surprise" second son...and birthday's and anniversaries that I did not get to hear her voice or touch her hand...and those daily phone calls….I miss them.

I remember hearing the shuffle of her slippers in the house, the smell of the cottage cheese she loved to eat (but not anyone else in the house), laughing uncontrollably with her at the silliest things and the smell of her perfume.

You are never the same when you lose a parent.  That loss is never filled.  No matter how close you are to your spouse or in-law, no one can fill that void.  I want to leave a legacy like my mom did.  It wasn't about the tangible things she left, it was about the memories, the laughs, the smells that remind me of her.

I want my children to have the same memories. 

I loved my mother with all of my heart and I miss her everyday.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.  Old friends stopping by for lunch
2.  The Olympics
3.  Diet Cherry Cokes from SONIC

4.  Magnetic paper clips

5.  French bread pizza

The Best Relationship

I've written pretty openly about my devotional time.  There are times in my life where I have been extremely devout and some seasons of life where my devotional time is non-existent.  Right now is a pretty good time.  I've been spending time in prayer and reading Lysa Terkurst's "Made to Crave."  A great book!

I have added a new dimension to my time.  My dear friend "J" came in from out of town and we were able to spend some time together (work related) but we were in a very casual atmosphere at my home in meetings.  It was great :)  She brought me a present...a "ClingingCross."  It is just beautiful.  It fits perfectly in your hand.  She told me that her father had one and it brought him great comfort in his last days.  I was very touched that she thought of me.

I have been holding it while I pray and read in my devotional time and it is amazing how it has heightened the depth of my time. 

My relationship with Christ is top of my list and this small cross is helping me to connect on a deeper level.  I want this relationship to be the deepest, most satisfying relationship that I can have.  It will not only help me as I grow spiritually, but help to deepen the relationships that are closest to me.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1.      Thoughtful gifts

2.      Books

3.      6 am

4.      Colored pens

5.      Prayer journals