Love

A Facebook friend posted this verse on her wall. I fell in love with it.

"The LORD your God is with you,the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, "but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

I can picture God as a Mighty Warrior, one who has come back from battle, for me. He has saved me. Despite the influences of the world and Satan working on me, God has defeated them all and saved me.

He is delighted in all that I do. My work, the way I care for my family, even when I am talking that negative self talk I tend to spout out about myself, He is delighted in everything about me...He loves me at my current weight, when I eat something I shouldn't be eating and even during my dark times.

Just as I rejoiced over my children as they were newborns lying in their cribs, God rejoices over me with the same love, the same longing. (Our parents did the same thing...we tend to forget we were their babies too). But the amazing thing is that God loves us despite the garbage we bring into our lives. Despite the broken relationships, the ugly words that come out of our mouths, the comparisons, the bad choices. We are loved unconditionally.

What have you done lately to strengthen your relationship with God?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Scrambled eggs
2. Pre-lit Christmas trees
3. Visits from family
4. New books
5. warm pants

Thankful for Moments

I had an amazing experience yesterday.

I picked up my little Christian from the babysitter, and as I walked into her house, I was completely overwhelmed. "Ma", as the children call her, was cooking dinner and the smell from her oven wrapped itself around me. It was one of those smells that you could not pinpoint. What was the ingredient? It was my mom. When I asked "Ma" what she was cooking I found out it was meatloaf. My mother never made meatloaf but that smell was completely hers.

I haven't experienced that smell in over 14 years.

The hairs on my arms were standing up and a warmth enveloped my entire being. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. My mother was with me in that moment.

It was an unexpected moment. A moment I needed. A moment I am thankful for.

I love how the holiday season starts in such a profound way. We start by giving thanks. We take time to focus on the things that we often take for granted...family, friendships, the people we work with, the food we have in our pantry, the freedom we experience every day, the moments that come and go in a flash.

I am just thankful God has given me another day to enjoy the blessings in my life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Special deliveries
2. Cucumbers
3. Winter clothes
4. Family pictures
5. A busy concert schedule

Better Days

My days have been better (I thank you for your kind comments and prayers.)

I have made an "A" in my first online class for my Master's degree, a very special high school friend reached out to me, I had a productive week at work, went to my first Zumba class and loved it, and spent time with friends last night.

Doing the next right thing is paying off. That is one of the ways I battle my depression. I move slowly but surely by doing what is next on the list. Sometimes it's as basic as getting out of bed and getting dressed and then it moves to bigger things like actually thinking about what tomorrow may bring.

There is a verse that keeps surfacing for me. It's times like this that I am so glad that I have committed some verses to memory. They appear in my heart when I need them the most.

I shared this verse from 2 Corinthians earlier this week. Here is the version from "The Message."

My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. 2 Corinthians 12:9

When I really look at my struggles with depression I know this verse is true.

Christ's strength appears during my depression. It's not my power that pulls me out of my depression it's Christ! I am never alone. When I am talking to myself, I am actually talking with God. When I am debating on whether or not to get out of bed, I am conversing with God and He is there encouraging me to do the next, right thing. His power is evident when I am feeling my worst.

God never leaves us.

Despite the mess we may get ourselves into, despite the ugly things we may say and do to others (and to ourselves), despite the lowest moments in our lives...God never leaves us.

He loves us just the way we are and He loves us like no one else ever will.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. cold floors
2. trips to the airport
3. call forwarding
4. a credit on a bill
5. the smell of firewood burning in the neighborhood

"Thinking" to Walk

I've not been around for a bit.

No desire.

No energy.

No spirit.

No words to share.

It's as if life has been sucked out of me.

Nothing in particular set it off...sometimes it just happens.

Depression has just reared its ugly head.

Over the past few days I have literally had to "think" to walk. I know that is hard to understand if you don't suffer from depression, but often the simplest of things become huge challenges.

"Get up Cazandra!"
"Walk to the bathroom!"
"Brush your teeth."
"Comb your hair."

I wish I was exaggerating, but that is what I have had to do for several days.

I did have a recent victory...I went to church Sunday morning.

I know, I am a pastor's wife, why shouldn't I be in church? The absolute last thing I wanted to do was put a smile on my face and be present that morning. How could I possible have anything to give when I could hardly function?

It was truly by the grace of God that I was in church.

I hugged the neck of a woman who just lost her husband...no words were exchanged, but I was there for her. Another woman just received word that her daughter was dying, thousands of miles away. Another hug needed and given.

God used me despite how I was feeling. He used the part of me that I was able to give. I had no idea that I would show up as a minister that morning, but the amazing part is that those two grieving women ministered to me in a very profound way. I felt God's presence through them and their grief.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. fleece jackets
2. Sugar free cookies
3. Positive test results
4. Curly hair
5. Windy days

The Last Thing I Wanted To Do...

Getting up at 6 am on a Saturday morning is not something that top's my list of favorite things to do.

But that is what I did today.

I was asked to come speak to a group of women in Cloudcroft, New Mexico about Celebration Ministries (I served as President of the Deming Celebration Chapter for three years). They were wanting information and had questions, so I accepted their invitation several weeks ago.

I had been trying to talk myself out of going for days...mainly because I have just not been feeling well. Truth be told, I've not been feeling well since September.

My heart has been empty. I just feel like my faith is weak and my relationship with God is stagnant because of lack of work on my part.

My husband encouraged me to keep my commitment. He tells me that when our faith is weak and when we feel like God is not present in our lives that it is often the most important time to continue our ministry.

I think he is right.

During the three hour drive to Cloudcroft I was doubting myself. "What can I possible give these women? What if they see through me and see that I am a big phony? What if my words are not what they need?"

These women blessed my socks off! They shared their hearts and desires and were just lovely. I shared some of my story and helped to give them direction for their women's group.

The three hour drive home was quite different. I felt so blessed. Blessed that I was invited to share in the lives of these amazing women. Blessed that God led me on this little journey through my feeling crummy about everything. Blessed that I "showed up" and shared a part of myself and what God is doing through me.

I am so far from perfect. I drop the ball, I slack off, I don't believe in myself, but through all of that craziness, God loves me just the way I am.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A brisk morning
2. A New Mexico sunrise
3. aromatherapy sleep mist
4. Google images
5. Pizza Night at the local deli

First's

For the first time in a long time...

I am going to take my little one to see a doctor in Albuquerque. For a while it was a weekly thing, but thanks to the goodness of God, my sweet boy's hemophilia has been under control. He is doing great! He has definitely deserved it after a long summer of being in and out of the hospital.

We are going to see a neurologist to check out the nerve damage that happened during a "routine" procedure back in July. I am thinking we are going to get a good report :)

For the first time in a month...

I have not felt physically sick.

For the first time...

my oldest son moved into my office at the church and set up for his online school.

For the first time in recent weeks...

I feel like me and my husband really made a great decision by moving our son into a different learning environment.

Any first's for you lately?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a Monday night soak at the hot springs
2. a new video camera
3. bedtime laughter
4. wet hair
5. a kind veterinarian

Never Say Never

"My kids will never act that way!"

"I'll never vote a straight ticket!"

"I'll never homeschool."

Do you have any "never's" that have found their way into your life?

Our family has just had a major life change...a "never" has come to fruition.

Yesterday, we withdrew our oldest son from high school. He is now attending the Alpha Omega Academy, which is an online school.

You may have read previously that he has been a victim of some pretty severe bullying this year. The problem is that the verbal bullying has gone on for a few years, and it's taking a toll on him.

Some might say that I am giving in to the bullies, but how can I let my son go to school for 8 hours a day, trying to keep a low profile and stifle his personality, hoping no one will "notice" him or physically hurt him?

My high school years were wonderful! I wouldn't trade them for the world. I had great friends and fantastic experiences. Marching band, clubs, friends... That's just not a reality for my son. I've had to come to a realization. My experiences are going to be different than my son's. We are in a different world.

He is so amazingly talented, and the school system in our town has absolutely nothing for him. There is nothing driving him to even "want" to be there.

We prayed, researched and decided this was the best option.

I would really appreciate your prayers for my son. He already seems happier.

What "never's" are you living with in your life?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. peaches
2. internet
3. liquid paper
4. squeaks
5. freedom

Some good news...

Ever since the bullying incident a few weeks ago, things have not been "normal". Everything is just off kilter. But, we do the best we can and just go along and do the next right thing. We'll get back to normal soon.

Sometimes you just need some good news...and we received the best email ever on Sunday afternoon.

My oldest son, who is a freshman in high school, made the New Mexico All-State Choir!

I am so excited and proud of him! My husband and I encourage his musical abilities and praise him often. We were both music educators in Texas, so we know good when we hear it, but when it's your own child you wonder if you are truly "hearing" right.

Sounds like we were :)

This accomplishment could not have come at a better time for my son. He really needed this encouragement (especially from someone other than his parents).

I'm so overcome with emotions that I can't begin to put in words how I am feeling.

But what I do know is that God is good, all the time.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Music
2. Ginger ale
3. Nice hotel rooms
4. Homework
5. appointments

A Written Card

In our world of email, texts, Facebook, instant messaging, etc. we tend to forget the beauty of a written note. A card that someone took the time to pick for you and write a sweet note in.

I received a belated birthday card yesterday from one of my dearest friends, Minnie. She was my mother's best friend and is like a mother to me. She took the time to pick out just the right card and wrote the sweetest words. It made my day.

A couple of weeks ago my mother-in-law sent my oldest son a beautiful card. After his bullying incident, she was so worried and upset. And living long distance makes it even harder because she can't reach out to give him a hug. She picked out a special card and put a lot of thought into her words. It was very meaningful.

When's the last time you sent a handwritten note to someone? Has someone been on your heart lately? Why not drop them a line. It may be just what they need to hear.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. almost being done with my homework before the weekend
2. Oreos
3. Halloween decorations (spookies)
4. my wireless mouse
5. iTunes

I Am Able

Our Monday night Bible Study group is studying Lysa TerKurst's book, "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl." The reading is really good and her insights on the DVD are very enjoyable.

Last night she talked about "having" to do things. "I have to do the laundry, I have to pick up after my kids, I have to wash dishes, etc." Those are entirely the wrong words to use! How about "I am able to do the laundry, I am able to pick up after my kids, I am able to praise God in all things."

Those words, and attitude adjustment, really hit home for all of us last night.

What a gift we have if we are able to wash clothes...that means we have a house filled with family. If we have to run around and drop the kids off and pick them up, then they are able to participate in many things and are happy and healthy.

I thought it was a great adjustment in how we tend to view our daily goings and comings. So often we get wrapped up in the dailyness of life, that we forget how truly blessed we are. How blessed we are to have family, friends and a God who loves us more than any of us can even begin to imagine.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. chilly mornings
2. new perspectives
3. Psalm 103:1-5
4. an organized linen closet
5. curtains

What Do You Do?

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to tell someone how to fix their problems? You know, when it seemed so obvious to you what was wrong and how they could fix everything?

But you just can't do that. That person has to come to their own realization of the problem before they can start to make any kind of change. They have to decide what it is that makes them happy and dig deep into their souls to make it happen. It sounds so simple, but is often not that easy.

My heart is breaking for a friend of mine. I don't know what to say or do...all I can do is be there for her and have a shoulder when she needs it.

And, I can pray.

If you have a spouse who is your best friend, who helps in the raising of your children, who helps around the house and is just an overall wonderful man/woman, be sure you tell them you love him every day.

Please lift my friend "T" up in prayer. I adore her and she needs to feel the presence of God around her.

Thank you my friends.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. My seminary work
2. Piles of clean clothes
3. The zoo in Albuquerque
4. Broken computers
5. tortillas

What Surrounds You?

Last week was really hard.

My business meetings took everything I had out of me, and my son was assaulted at school. Not a great week. I took Friday off and slept until noon! I never do that! The weekend turned out great and so far the week has been okay. I'm still trying to get myself together.

I was about to throw myself a pity party (with hats and streamers) and I looked around me. My little one was outside playing choo choo's in the dirt with his dogs. Happy as a clam! Then I listened and heard my oldest practicing his sight singing with his Dad (for state auditions) sounding like an angel. Those are the things I should be focusing on!

So last week was bad! I've got to move on and look at the things that surround me! My family, my friends and my God!

What are you surrounded with that brings you joy?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. music
2. dirt
3. smelly, little socks
4. messages on my voicemail from a dear friend
5. my husband washing the dishes

Bullying

While I was out of town this week something happened at Lance's school.

He was assaulted by two boys. Lance was sitting on a railing in front of the band hall and these two boys, who had been verbally harrasing him the week before, shoved him off the rail and he fell about 6 feet.

Lance has hemophilia. It was not a good scene. He called my husband and told him to bring his factor to school immediately because he was hurt. My husband did not tell me about his injuries in detail.

I walked in the door from my trip last night and asked my son to show me his injuries. I just wanted to scream! He has bruises and scratches on his body.

Someone hurt my child! I am so glad I was not here, because I know I would have gone absolutely crazy at school!

The school did handle the situation and the boys are expelled. We have filed charges and it is at the District Attorney's office.

I can't believe this is happening to my son.

He had to infuse two extra infusions because of this incident...each infusion costs approximately $3,000.

As a pastor's wife, in a small town, am I supposed to just "forgive" and let these boys off the hook? I want to press charges and make sure they pay for what they did! I want to sue them for the costs of the extra infusions! This should not happen to our children in school!

Just because my son is not a sports fan and he enjoys music, he is labeled "gay". And even if he was gay, how does that give anyone the right to assault him? The names they called him I cannot even begin to share with you.

My heart hurts for all the children in our society that are suffering at the hands of bullies. It has to stop!

My Dad

Today is a special day, yes, it's my birthday, but it's also the anniversary of the day my Dad went home to the Lord. It's bittersweet. So many things happened to my Dad in his last years with his health. He wasn't the same person. And seeing him deteriorate was very hard.

Everything in me said it was a blessing when he passed. He was in a better place. He was with my Mom who he missed terribly. He was no longer in pain. But none of those words ever made it "okay" that he was gone.

I adored my Dad. I was his little girl.

I would go with him on Saturday's to the school where he was principal and keep him company while he worked. Then we would go out for a burger at the local hamburger stand. And it was really cool because they had poppyseeds on their buns. We would drive in his 67' Mustang and he would speed up as we raced over the train tracks on our way home! And we would buy bags of Fritos and he would have one between the seats of the car with a hole cut into the top of the bag so he could eat them while he was driving.

And on some Saturday's he would take me to the local stables to watch the girls ride their horses and race barrels! See I didn't play with dolls when I was a kid, I played with horses! He encouraged my love for horses by taking me to watch them on the weekends and see the races on television. It was our special thing.

No one could love me like my Dad. He never expressed his love by hugging and kissing, but he would reach out to me and pat me on the shoulders or on the back when I hugged him.

I'm not anyone's little girl anymore. No one could ever love me like my Dad ever did.

I miss him.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. horses
2. laughter
3. 67' Mustangs
4. Fritos
5. Saturday's

It's All About Passion

I am out of town in meetings for work in Dallas.

I work for a company that cares for people with bleeding disorders, like hemophilia. I never dreamed I would not teach band for a living, as that is what my Bachelor's degree is in, but the opportunity to work to educate people with bleeding disorders was just too wonderful to pass up, so almost 8 years ago, I took a risk to work in the healthcare field and it has been a great experience....so far.

Our team is undergoing many changes...and change is hard. It's not comfortable.

My passion on the team shines through when I speak about patient care. About what a person living with a bleeding disorder deals with on a daily basis. How we need to care for the entire family, etc.

I have felt so overwhelmed in this meeting. Almost like no one hears me because my language is so different. I don't speak the corporate lingo that is laced with numbers, I speak from my heart. I speak from the love I have for my children and what I have learned from them. It's where my heart is and I feel like it is breaking.

One of my colleagues pulled me aside tonight and told me she was in the business for the same reason I was...the patients and their care. I totally broke down. She saw my heart and heard what I was saying in my presentation that morning. It did me so good to hear that my message was clear. That my passion was shining through. God sent her to me tonight. I needed that little bit of encouragement to know that I am doing the right things for a community of people that I love.

God shows up in the most unexpected places and through unexpected people. I had felt so alone until my friend caught my eye across the room and invited me in the house for coffee. She listened to God's nudge on her heart to call out to me when I needed it the most.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a cool, Texas evening
2. comfy beds
3. a cold Diet Coke
4. sneakers
5. phone calls from my boys

The Next Right Thing

I am in my second class of seminary and it's my first online class. (I was fortunate enough to be able to go to Denver this summer and take my first class "in person" and it was a fantastic experience).

But now I am entering the world of online education.

It's amazing how a class can be structured online. Forums, chats, email, postings....it's a new world! Quite different than my last class 20 years ago at Houston Baptist University :)

I will admit, I was beyond overwhelmed last night. I was to the point where I thought, "What was I thinking? I can't do this! Who was I kidding? I'm too old to go back to school!"

But, my wonderful husband said something to me...

"Do the next right thing."

He was right.

I did the next right thing. I took my assignment step by step, I didn't worry about the whole picture, and now I am where I need to be for the week!

It's so easy to get overwhelmed. Maybe it's school, a project at work, a house to clean before company arrives, a PTA meeting at the same time as soccer practice, and let's not forget the laundry!

Sometimes we get in such a hurry to get things done. I find that if I take a breath and think about the next right thing to do, my day is better and the end result is exactly what I was looking for.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. wise words
2. an empty email inbox
3. boxes
4. my new laptop
5. my upcoming trip to Dallas

Transformed

Congratulations to Pam for winning my first giveaway ($25 iTunes card)! Pam, email me at cazandramacdonald@yahoo.com with your mailing information :)

I preached yesterday morning! I love when I have the opportunity to study and share God's word. It was the most comfortable I have ever been in the pulpit. The words just came to me and the message was truly on my heart. I preached on Matthew 5:13-16....being the salt of the earth and light of the world. I truly felt God's arms around me as I delivered the message. I just feel transformed when I preach.

This sermon helped me come to a realization. Something I hadn't been able to "admit" out loud. Now that I've started Seminary, I feel like I am being called to become a Deacon in the church. I want to serve a community and especially be involved in the ministry of women. There. I've said it.

I never dreamed my life would be what it is right now. Being the wife of a preacher in a small town, working for the healthcare industry, and being a seminary student. I was "supposed" to teach middle school band until I retired! So I thought!

When we make plans God just gets a great belly laugh, don't you think?

I'm so glad my "plans" have changed.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Dinner in Santa Fe
2. Seeing old friends
3. a ripe peach
4. our congregation
5. salt and light

100 Days (and a giveaway)!

Do you realize that when midnight strikes, there will be 100 days until the New Year?

I'm not kidding....100 Days!

Why should we wait for January 1st to make those crazy resolutions that we make?

Why not make a sensible resolution right now and follow through for the next 100 days?

What can we do in 100 days?

Read 100 chapters in the Bible (or 50), lose 10 pounds, make amends to a friend, make a plan to sit with your family several times a week to dinner, watch less television, journal daily, have a devotional time with God......

What can you do with these 100 days?

I want to hear from you! In honor of the "Final 100 Days of 2010," I am going to have a giveaway! My first ever!

Post a comment by midnight, Saturday the 25th and let us know what you will be doing with your 100 Days.

I will randomly select a winner of a $25 iTunes gift card and announce the winner Monday the 27th.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. shampoo
2. Tuesday night pizza
3. preaching this coming Sunday
4. Mason jars
5. a good day at work

Dragging

I'm so tired! I flew up to Cedar Rapids on Friday and back Saturday night to speak at a local Hemophilia Chapter Event. It went great! The room was full and great discussion took place throughout the session.

I've been preparing a sermon for 9/26 and I have some great things to share with you.

I'll be back with more tomorrow. I just need more coffee right now :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Coffee!
2. great travel
3. morning meetings
4. getting to know a colleague better this weekend
5. Coffee!

Opening Doors

When you live in a small town, there are not tons of opportunities in the performing arts. Band and choir programs are teeny tiny, drama is something that comes together, hopefully yearly to put on a musical.

And for a young man, gifted in music, it's hard to meet peers who "get him."

We found something….The Albuquerque Boys Choir! Lance auditioned, made the group and is fitting in with this group of boys as if he'd known them all their lives. It's where he needs to be.

My husband drives him to Albuquerque once a week (4 hr round trip) for a two hour rehearsal and they get home at 11 pm . But Lance comes home pumped up and wired! This is after singing classical music!

I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity that we can give our Lance. We are in this as a family and it is going to take all of us committing to getting him there when he needs to be.

But when passion drives you to excel at something you are meant to do, finding a way is that much easier.

If an opportunity is not knocking at your door, sometimes you have to open the door and start looking for new ones.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A fulfilling day of work
2. Pretty hand towels
3. Frozen grapes
4. An upcoming speaking engagement in Iowa
5. Chipped toenail polish