The Mind Is a Terrible Thing.....

I am sitting here in the hopsital, day number 4, and we are not leaving until Friday. I am feeling sorry for myself. Guilty for missing so much work this year (I used quite a bit of sick time for myself and my "Christian") and worried about perceptions at my work. My husband and "Lance" are teaching a camp and have no replacements, so I have to be the one at the hospital with Christian.

I just went to get ice for my drink down the hall and in the nourishment room was another mom. She was very friendly, said hello, asked how my day was and I mentioned that all was well and we were staying longer than imagined. She said, "Yes, I understand. We have been here 3 1/2 weeks……."

That's when I wanted to slap myself.

I am on a floor with very, sick children. A 6 month old passed away over the weekend. I thank God for my Christian and that he is doing well. We are here mainly for precautions, not severe complications from his surgery. I think I needed some perspective and God delivered it through that mom.

When you are alone in a hospital room with a five year old, your mind can wander and make more of situations than they actually are. You can destroy relationships and imagine the worst in a matter of minutes.

All I can say, is that I have to do the next right thing.

I have to remember that the God of the Universe loves me just the way I am.

I have to remember that there will always be work to do, but the moments we have caring for our children will slip away in an instant.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. warm socks
2. playrooms
3. styrofoam cups
4. trays
5. ice machines

Why?

The eternal question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is a hard one to answer.

There is one situation that comes to mind when I hear this question. It involves my best friend from school and the car accident that completely changed her life. Why did she go through that trauma? Why is her life so markedly different that what she expected? Why did this happen to her?

We lost a cousin this week. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and two young children. Why did this happen? Why are these children not going to grow up with their Daddy?

And the most significant question I have is "Why does my five year old have to suffer with his hemophilia?" Yesterday was absolutely the worst day ever with his hemophilia (you can read about it here). "Why does my precious son have to endure constant infusions, hospitalizations, and pain? What did he do for this to be his reality"?

I don't think God "designates" a person to have a medical condition or "lot" in life. It's not something we can ever understand (this is a complete other blog posting….).

What I do know is that God was present in our terrible day today. He was there when Christian came back from his x-rays to a new, red fire truck. God was there when the Child Life worker came in to calm him down while playing with an iPad. And God was with us when the hematologist looked at me and simply said "he needs a new port."

Everything happens for a particular reason and I am glad the events of the day unfolded the way they did. Even though we are in the hospital for several days, we are definitely where we need to be.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Good IV's
2. Cookies and milk
3. A shower after a day of running around
4. Darkness
5. Suitcase surprises

Being Treated Badly

I am trying to deal with being treated badly.

The short story is that a doctor from our Hemophilia Treatment Center was beyond rude to our family, during a bleed with our five year old, while out of town. He judged us and reprimanded us without knowing our situation.

We are writing a grievance to the hospital against this doctor, who we found out is the main oncologist. The head of the department. He just "helps" out with hemophilia because he has to.

He's not heard the last from us.

One of his colleagues called us to schedule a meeting (I think more damage control than anything) next Tuesday.

I refuse to let these doctors instill doubt in me where the care of my son is concerned. Friday night I was a complete mess while at the emergency room in San Francisco because of what this unprofessional doctor had said to our family. I left the ER with a passionate doctor telling me we were doing everything right.

You never know what a person is dealing with. The kind of day they had, maybe a family pet recently died, they are having a bad time at work, they are in fear of losing their job or maybe they have been out of work for months.

You can't always judge by what things look like on the outside.

Be aware of what you say and how you treat others.

You could just make their day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. My portable swamp cooler2. Preparing for a business trip
3. The breeze on the bay in San Francisco
4. Clean tables
5. The companionship my sweet, Sheltie, Rosie gave our family for the past 10 years.

The Journey

Every day we get is a fresh start. A new journey. Maybe it ends up being an "ordinary" day filled with cooking meals, cleaning up, going to work, taking the kids to swimming lessons, reminding the kids to brush their teeth, etc. But what about when you know your day is going to be different?

Early this Thursday, me and the family are off to San Francisco for a hemophilia conference. We are really excited, not just about the conference, but we have never been to San Francisco! My husband is excited about the fresh seafood :)

The following Friday I am off for a few days to a symposium in Chicago (and I am involved in two presentations). Another exciting journey.

I am so excited to have a couple of new adventures coming my way. Sometimes it can be scary and even stressful when you don't know what to expect, but when you take each opportunity, make the most of it, and enjoy and live in the moment, you just cannot ask for more.

In Mark 5, the story is told of Jesus raising a sick girl from the dead. Many were doubting what Jesus was able to do, and Jesus simply said, "Don’t be afraid, just believe." They doubted that a miracle could happen. They just could not put their heads around the fact that the impossible could be made possible. We doubt everyday that the amazing may never happen.

Why couldn't a miracle happen?

You never know when or where that miracle may happen.

Maybe it will be in the car on the way to a ball game, or while on a trip away from home, but we need to just "believe" that Christ is with us in all we do.

The mundane to the amazing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Cooking for an army of VBS workers
2. Digging out old Disney movies
3. Our portable swamp cooler!
4. Completed projects at work
5. Big buckets of ice cream

My First Passion

I remember the day my sister brought my instrument home for me. Her band director wanted me to play the oboe, so I did. I was in 5th grade and haven't stopped playing since.

I taught band for 13 years and free lanced in the Greater Houston area from the age of 18 to up to 5 years ago. When we moved to New Mexico, the opportunities dried up. I only played occasionally at church.

Music was (is) my first passion. I was a "band kid" all throughout school. I went to all the auditions, the extra contests and took private lessons from a man in the Houston Symphony. Music defined a big part of who I was becoming.

I found a local group (an hour away) and auditioned for the director. The Mesilla Valley Concert Band. I have rehearsed the past three nights and will perform in a concert this morning. I've been in heaven! I've even been playing the English Horn parts which I absolutely love to play.


Sometimes you have to reconnect with a long, lost passion. Honestly, I was a little scared, but I am sure glad I walked through it and went after it. Time moves fast. We can think and dream about things that made us happy, so why not move on it and reconnect?




Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The repair man in Las Cruces who got my instruments in shape
2. Good reeds
3. My double instrument stand
4. 10 minute breaks
5. Stars and Stripes

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Source: Teaching With Fire

Let Go (part 4 of 4)

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the plans I have made.

Christian has an appointment on Monday.
I've made travel arrangements to San Francisco and Chicago in July.
I am assisting at a memorial service tomorrow.
My husband and I are planning a vacation next year.

Those things may or may not come to happen. Regardless, I need to live in the moment and not tie myself up completely in what is to come.

What about the things that are happening right now?

I want to truly "cherish" myself. I want to love myself unconditionally and accept who I am right now, at this moment. When I think about past mistakes and broken relationships, it is very easy to doubt my decisions and my whole being.

I want to fear less and love more. Especially to love myself.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. holding babies
2. potato salad
3. Scotch tape
4. air conditioners
5. pizza night

Nothing in this World

When you look at your children everything else you have done in your life pales in comparison.

The craziness of a project at work

Misunderstandings

Getting the house painted

Continually picking up after your family

Arguments

Relationships

Love

We can make lists for days about the things that bother us, the things we want to change, the good and the bad. But if you are a parent, the bottom line is that nothing in this world compares to being part of a child's life.

Today, my family celebrates my 15 year old son, "Lance". He came into this world at 9:56 pm on June 23, 1996 and my world has never been the same.

He has taught me about choo-choo trains, bugs, coloring inside the lines, how to eat a juicy grape, watching Disney movies, art, music, bullies, hemophilia, and finding an inner strength I never knew I had.

My life truly began when he was born. I have done and felt things I never dreamed possible. The most amazing thing I've learned how to do is love.

When the doctor placed him on my chest after he was just born, I felt as if I was about to suffocate. I didn't understand at that moment, but came to realize that feeling was love in a way I had never experienced. A full, smothering, all encompassing love.

How do you love someone you just barely met?

God makes that happen.

He brings these little creatures into our lives to change us. To make us more human. To show us how He loves us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. marble cake
3. curly bows
4. surprises
5. love

Things

There was a huge estate auction in our little town this past weekend. The hubs and I decided to go check it out. You just never know what you will find.

I was a little disappointed because I just didn't see anything that spoke to me. Not that I was looking for anything in particular, but just looking. I was standing in the middle of the warehouse filled wall to wall with "stuff" and I got a little sad. I wondered who cherished these belongings at one time. Why did they come to auction? Did the owner get sick, pass away, have a difficult ending to their life?

Then I started to think about the legacy they left. Was it all of their "stuff" that was being picked over by strangers, or did they leave a legacy of love and faith to the ones they loved?

I remember going to pick up items from my Dad's house when he passed away a few years ago and when I was leaving the house had about six boxes of "stuff" left. Mainly things my mom had held on to for one reason or another. You wonder why people hang on to certain things. Of course we hold on to things that are useful and necessary, but what about the sentimental things, or the things that were given to us by someone and we only hold on to it because they were a gift?

I am in a season of "throwing" things out. Donating what I can and cleaning house. I don't want to have "stuff" in every corner of my home that is not used.

Most importantly, I want to fill my life with love. I want it to be measured through the way I speak to my family, how I carry out my faith, and how I love others.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. single serve coffee
2. reusable water bottles
3. celebrating my husband
4. droopy plants
5. bows

Let Go (part 3 of 4)

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

Being "in the middle" in not a comfortable place. I have a situation at work where I am in the middle and one person on the other side is not happy. When your gut instinct tells you to do or say something, you need to follow it! Sometimes it will help to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A good night's sleep
2. Excitement
3. Unopened boxes
4. Plants
5. Surprises

Being in love...with yourself!

A new show on the OWN network started and I recorded it. Not sure what to expect, I watched it during lunch yesterday and was really taken back. It's a documentary/reality show following Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York.

It was very interesting, and a little hard to watch. The show chronicles the ups and downs she has been through, most recently her accepting money to give info on her ex-husband, and Dr. Phil and Suze Orman are working with her.

This woman, who was the focus of a royal wedding, in the public eye, two beautiful daughters, Lady Diana's best friend, can't even look in the mirror at herself because she has no sense of self worth. I can identify all too well with the way she feels.

I know within my heart that God loves me exactly as I am and that I should do the same. But so often, that inner, ugly self talk will get you into trouble.

When she was meeting with Suze Orman, Suze said "I am in love with myself!" Now that is amazing. It is a lesson we should all take to heart. We need to be "in love with ourselves." God intended for us to be as we are. I'm not saying we should give up in our quest to be healthy and take care of ourselves, but despite where we are in our journey, we need to give ourselves a little grace, look in the mirror and say "Ta-Da"!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pudding
2. A loud television
3. Crooked pictures
4. Tee ball
5. Running water

When I Grow Up

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

The person who makes the first phone call to let a family that a wish (Make-a-Wish Foundation) will be granted for their child.

I received that call on Friday morning. It was a moment I can hardly put into words.

It started a couple of months ago when the social worker at our Hemophilia Treatment Center had given me a call and asked if I had her permission to refer my little "Christian" to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I was a little stunned because I had always thought of the Make-a-Wish as a foundation that gave wishes to children who were dying and extremely sick. I never think of hemophilia as "life threatening" but in actuality, it is. You just make it part of your life.

When the social worker started talking about why she immediately thought of Christian I started to think about everything he has gone through with his medical condition over the past four years. It's been very hard. My older son never had to deal with hemophilia the same way as his little brother. It's been a rough few years, and thankfully he is doing well.

I agreed to let her refer him, never thinking a wish would be granted, so when I received the call on Friday, I heard this sweet, young woman telling me who she was, why she was calling and that Christian will be receiving a wish. My mouth fell open, and tears were rolling down my face. I couldn't even breathe. The fact that someone, several people, thought of my Christian and our entire family, and "authenticated" our struggle was completely overwhelming.

I could hardly speak to her through my tears.

The next step is for a Make-a-Wish team to come and visit us and get to know Christian to determine the type of wish he wants. (I can guarantee it will have something to do with trains!)

More to come on this amazing blessing.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. 800#'s
2. Unexpected, ugly tears
3. Compassion
4. Gluten free pizza (it was really good)!
5. dreams

Let Go (part 2 of 4)

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Making the most of myself.

Talk about hard to do!

Does making the most of myself mean being "supermom" and wife? Taking fantastic care of myself all the time? Spending time in devotion everyday and volunteering at church every spare minute? Not to forget becoming the most I can be in my 9 - 5 job?

That's where I mess up. I feel like I have to do everything well at the same time. Sometimes I just have to do the best I can and know that my heart is in the right place. That my efforts are well intentioned. It goes back to surrendering each day. Every day we get is a day we don’t' deserve. How do we spend it? We never know when our last day will be. When we will go on to meet the Father.

I plan on spending each day I get "making the most" of who I can be. It's not based off how much I do, but the spirit in which I do life.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Decluttering
2. My son coming home tomorrow from choir tour!
3. Bottled water
4. Stacks of board games
5. Hard wood floors

Beloved

Honey, Sweetheart, Baby, Sugar...do you have a pet name for your spouse/partner/loved one?

I tend to call my sons "Chicky" and my husband too. It's just a little pet name showing them I love them. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be, it just did.

When I read Francine River's book, Redeeming Love (a must read), I was struck by how she set off the words God spoke to the characters. The Father would call them "Beloved."

Beloved.

A person who is dearly loved. This is a term of affection that was used in both the Old and New Testaments. It has a depth that seems to be absent in our society. I just love this word.

My husband is my "Beloved". I love him with every ounce of my being. He is beyond what a best friend could ever be to me (I jokingly call him my "Bestie") :)

I don't know if he knows how deeply I love him.

The amazing thing is, that despite how much we love our spouse/partner/loved ones, and how much they love us in return, God loves us more.

He loves us despite our flaws. I don't think we can even image the depth of His love for us. I think when we meet the Father face to face we will actually understand the amazing love that has been given to us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Phone calls from my son (while on choir tour)
2. Ministry in action
3. My Sheltie sleeping where the air vent hits her
4. Netflix
5. Cucumber scented candles

Blessings

What is a blessing?

The words of faith and hope a pastor speaks over a person?

A prayer?

A wonderful happening in your life?

Family and friends?

Something beautiful and more than words can describe?

Sometimes blessings are not wrapped up with a pretty bow. The biggest "blessing" in my life is actually wrapped in plain paper with a worn bow.


It's actually pretty ugly when you get down to it.

Hemophilia.

I believe that people afflicted with a bleeding disorder, or any chronic condition are pretty amazing. They are resilient and stronger than many.

The beauty of the blessing of hemophilia is in the actual "unwrapping" of the present. It's about the journey. The people whose paths you would have never crossed. The places to travel to learn. The confidence in sharing with another mom. And the strength it has brought to my marriage.

I am making the most I can of this blessing everyday with every breath I take. I thank God for blessing me with my boys and their condition. It has made me stronger than I ever dreamed I could be.

What's your biggest blessing?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of rain
2. Impromptu menu changes
3. Family decisions
4. Extension cords
5. New tablecloths

It's Cool When You Step Out in Faith

I've talked often about stepping out in faith. Meaning, following God's tug on your heart. Going where He is leading you and taking a chance when it logistically makes no sense.

I started writing a few years ago after we moved to New Mexico because, honestly, I was a little lonely and I had a lot to get out of my head. Blogging has turned out to be very cathartic for me in a way I never dreamed.

God put another idea in my head. He encouraged me to seek out a different avenue for my writing, so I wrote a proposal to our two local papers and one called me back! They are going to publish my writing once a month! Today was my first article.


When I considered doing this I figured the worst that would happen would be that no one would call. What harm is there in that? After I submitted my proposals, I wondered why I did that. What are they going to think of my writing? I don't have a background in literature or writing, I have a Music Education Degree! There are way more qualified people out there!

But I listened and am amazed.

Have you listened to the still, quiet nudge on your heart? Don’t ignore it.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The smell of newspaper
2. Projects going well
3. Empty boxes
4. The whir of the swamp cooler
5. Joe coming home tomorrow!

Moving

I was up pretty early today for work, finished what I needed to do, and considered lying back down. But I decided to go to yoga class instead.

It was one of the best decisions I've made in quite a while.

I have to get moving. I'm tired of feeling tired and having my back tight. I also need to be a better example to my children. Already I am "feeling" my muscles from my movement this morning.

I like yoga because not only are you focusing on your body, but you work to quiet your mind as well. I find myself trying to tune out the world and when I am successful that little voice comes back in trying to make me feel guilty for taking an hour of time for myself.

Why do we do that to ourselves? If we do not take time to care for ourselves we are not good to the ones who need us. I've mentioned this scripture before and in Psalm 46:10 it reads "Be still and know that I am God." I believe that I know who God is, but it's the "being still" part that gets me every time. When I do slow down enough to veg on the sofa, I start to think about other things that need to be done and get up and start doing.

I remember hearing Maria Shiver talk about her family and how when she was a kid nobody "sat around." Everyone was outside playing games, and busy all of the time. Expectations were very high in the Kennedy home and inactivity was not accepted.

I think activity is great. It helps you find purpose, but constantly running around and not resting is not a good thing.


Sometimes we rest quite a bit, maybe even become a bit lazy, but do we rest in the stillness of God? That is something I need to work on everyday. Resting in the love of Christ. Accepting and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am enough just as I am right now.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. my new Ninja!
2. a decent pen
3. Postal Express
4. the hum of a flourescent lamp
5. hats

Receiving

I remember when I was pregnant with my now five year old. It was a difficult pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. Not only was my husband having to care for our then 10 year old son, but also our cousin who was in high school. It was a very difficult time.

Our church had a ministry that cooked meals for those in need. When the woman who headed up the ministry asked my husband what days he preferred meals to be delivered, he refused. He told her we were too far away and that he would take care of everything. In turn, she said, "When I am standing before God and He asks me why I didn't follow through with my ministry, I am going to have to tell him that Joe MacDonald would not let me." Needless to say, Joe agreed to deliveries of meals for several weeks. They helped us out so much. It was a huge blessing.

I have a really hard time receiving gifts. Sounds crazy, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautifully wrapped present for my birthday, Mother's Day, and at Christmas, but when someone does something out of the blue for me, I have a hard time with it.

Tonight I received a gift that meant a lot.

A church member, who is a massage therapist, has wanted to "work on me" for several months. We finally found a time and last night I went for a soak and massage "on her." It was absolutely fantastic (and so needed)! It's not that she offered her services to me gratis, but the fact that she reached out to me. She is what I call an "oozer." She has a light that radiates from her. I describe her as an "Earth Mama" with a spirit open to the universe around her. She is way cool.

When she was working on me, I felt an energy from her. I know it was love. She gave of her time and talent freely to a person who was in need of a little spiritual renewal. I believe God tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear to give of herself.

I am so glad she listened.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great steak
2. smells of peppermint
3. mismatched tennis shoes
4. Fabuloso
5. magazines

Let Go (part 1 of 4)

Someone recently gave me a handout with some great words on "letting go". It is almost too much to take in at once, so I am going to unpack it over a few weeks.

Here's the first part:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
-Author Unknown

This is some powerful stuff.

Letting go is not something I do well. I am becoming more aware each day as my oldest child is about to turn 15 that he will be out of the house very soon. I am going to have to let him go.

I signed my 5 year old up for tee ball yesterday. He is growing up and I am having to let him be a boy and take risks despite his hemophilia. I am having to let him go.

All I can do is model what I think the best way to live your life is to my children and hope that they pick up a few good things and not the bad. I have to let go of what control I "think" I have.

I must admit that each day is a gift and that God has a plan. The outcome of every thing that I do is not completely in my hands. I try my hardest to surrender each day as I wake up to the Creator and thank Him for another day. ..that His will be done regardless of what I "want."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spontaneous "girls" lunch
2. Hats
3. Business cards
4. Impromptu visits
5. A fresh opportunity

The Way He Loves

During our recent hospital stay, I pulled my "Christian" around the hospital in a red wagon so we could try to keep the "cabin fever" away. As we were passing the big reception desk, a flyer taped to the desk caught my attention..."PCOS Seminar."

Most people would say I should not have seen that flyer. It was lying flat and not posted on a wall. I wasn't standing "at" the desk, so why did I see it? I'll tell you why, because God ordained it! He wanted me at that seminar!

PCOS is a "syndrome" that affects many women. It deals with insulin resistance in the body and I have lived with it for about 14 years (read more about PCOS here).

The physician presenting, from Colorado Springs, has begun a twelve session series regarding PCOS and is working to bring the "Advanced PCOS Institute" to the University of New Mexico. It sounds like an amazing program that manages this chronic condition.

I asked a question during the presentation and the doctor told me that the infertility clinic at UNM would work with me to start the process of this program and not have to "wait" for the program to come to UNM! (The crazy part is that I have an appointment with a specialist next week...the wrong kind).

God knows everything about us. The things that make us happy and sad, our fears, our deepest desires, and the shame so many of us carry around and buy into.

Every day I have to fight against the lies that the enemy plants in my head. Tonight, God let me in on a little something..there are women out there struggling with the exact same things I struggle with. We are not alone.

We are surrounded by others who have the same beliefs and struggles and we need to be there for each other. We need to learn to "struggle well."

And the coolest thing of all, God made himself known to me clearly tonight. He literally brought me to a place of acceptance. A place where I did not feel alone while in a room of strangers. It was a reminder that He never leaves me and loves me with a love I can't begin to comprehend.

Just the way He loves you.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. an organized binder
2. Avery labels
3. red flowers
4. wind chimes
5. I-25

My New Blog

Hemophilia has been in my life for almost 15 years.

I can honestly say that, other than my faith, the only reason I have gotten through some of the more difficult times with hemophilia is because of the moms and dads who have shared their lives and experiences with the same condition. Their words of wisdom and friendships have carried me through times when I did not think I could go on another step.

I have also had the great honor of being that mom who has helped others get through the difficult diagnosis of hemophilia. The times I have talked to those moms have been some of the favorite moments in my life.

There is so much to say as I am traveling through life raising two boys with hemophilia. My five year old has brought aspects of hemophilia to my life that I never dreamed I would encounter.

These experiences are dwelling in me and I just need to get them out (and hopefully start some discussion to let others know they are not alone).

Come and join me as I dedicate my new blog "2 Brothers with Hemophilia" to the journey of living with a chronic bleeding disorder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Blogger
2. Mary of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Designs
3. dusk
4. peanut butter sandwiches
5. homemade Italian dressing

Love Yourself Properly

My dear friend, Beth, passed this along to me. I wanted to share it with you.

Love Ourselves Properly
Thomas Mertonn

"We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give others."

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Beth
2. New confidants
3. the journey
4. an unexpected "soak" at the springs
5. the sound of running water

Precious in His Sight

When I lived in Houston, I had several opportunities to hear Beth Moore teach at Houston's First Baptist Church (my home away from home as a musician and young college student). I had always heard of her but didn't really know who she was until I was in my early 30's. I went to one of her Tuesday night Bible studies and was absolutely blown away.

The person leading worship that night was Dennis Jernigan. I had no idea who he was at the time. He is an amazing musician and phenomenal worship leader. There was one song that touched me deeply. Profoundly. Before he sang the song, he told everyone in the sanctuary (a couple of thousand women) to close their eyes and imagine his voice was that of the Father's. These were the Father's words given to each and every one of us.

I've looked everywhere online and cannot find a recording to link up. If you are able to find the music/recording, you will be blessed.

When I try and hide and think no one is watching me, or listening to me, I am wrong. God is with me always.

When I think of myself as less than, ugly, worthless, etc. God thinks of me as the most beautiful creature on earth. The jewel in His crown.

He wants nothing more than a relationship with each of us.

Read these lyrics as if God the Father, Creator of the Universe, wrote them especially for you.

Precious Bride, Dennis Jernigan

Will you let me lead you
Take you to my side
If you saw how I see you
You would see the most beautiful, pure and holy bride

Did you know I know you
Even all you hide
Oh how I long to show you
Just how clean my blood redeemed and left you purified

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you let me love you

Will you let me fill you
With abundant life
Will you be a vessel
Giving freely from all you received glory and light

Woman will you love me
Embracing all I am
To me you are so lovely
Get to know me walk with me
Forever hand in hand

Precious bride come be my woman
Walk with me forever
Let me share my life with you
And lavish you with love

Precious bride most cherished woman
I will leave you never
I pledge to you all my life
I pledge to you my love
I love you, oh I love you, let me love you

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A funky, new laptop bag
2. A three hole punch
3. My husband returning home safely
4. Late nights
5. Colleagues who give of themselves completely

What Goes Around Comes Around?

The national team I work on cares for people with bleeding disorders. Honestly, it is a business that involves big money. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have seen in the industry. Bottom line...ethics are not important for those looking to make money. The problem is, they see the money, not the patient. That is why our team is so successful...we have integrity. We have always done the right thing for the right reason and never forgotten that the patient is the reason we do what we do.

Several years ago I told one of my colleagues, after we lost quite a few patients due to an unethical competitor, that we just needed to keep on doing what we were doing because in the end, we would be rewarded. The patients would want us to take care of them because we truly cared for them. It just might take awhile.

It has proven to be true.

A good friend of mine is struggling. A close friendship of his has been shattered. Many ugly truths came to light and it was just not a good situation. He is stunned, saddened and even angry. Sometimes it's just hard to accept that some things are not as they appear to be.

Some call it having "karma." I think we toss the word karma around and simply think that if we do the right thing, the right things will happen to us.

The truth is,

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." Galatians 6:7-10 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sleeping in my own bed
2. A day of no fast food
3. A Monday full of work to look forward to
4. Styrofoam cups
5. Hospital bracelets

Passing the Time

I brought my little "Christian" into the hospital around 11:30 pm on Wednesday to Albuquerque (2 hours from home). He was in tons of pain with an ankle bleed that was not getting better despite our constant infusions. About 45 minutes into the drive I regretted not taking the ambulance. He was screaming in pain. Fortunately he finally fell asleep. Hearing his pain is the absolute worst.

We are still here and he is getting better slowly but surely.

I had really hoped we would be home today, but the best thing for him is to be here and heal.

My husband ran rehearsals, Thursday and Friday evenings and has a concert tonight and preaches Sunday morning….I'm on my own. But he just called and is sneaking away for a few hours before his concert to come see us! (After hours of Disney Junior and deep, stimulating conversation with a five year old, I am pretty excited that he is coming for a bit :)


Sitting and waiting can be a nice thing. You can read, surf the internet, nap, etc. but it can also be a dangerous thing.

My mind can be a dangerous neighborhood when I am there alone, you know what I mean?

Doubt creeps in about everything; I wonder if I am a good enough mother and wife, I start to beat myself up about my weight, do I portray the appropriate image and do all I need to do as the wife of a pastor, and I wonder if I had done things differently on any given day, would my little one have been able to avoid a bleed.

Talk about going crazy! The devil knows the best ways to creep into a believer's heart. He finds the areas of our lives where we are not completely happy. The areas of our lives that we strugle in and he has a field day.

Personally, I am not strong all the time. I am not an "oozer" 24/7, but I strive to be. It's those moments when I don't put Christ first in my heart, soul and mind that the devil takes root. At least I know when it's happening. So many people don't see it.

Maybe you can help someone open their eyes to the untruths that are in their heart.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The Child Life Playroom
2. crunchy, hospital bacon
3. Disney Junior
"4. Fresh fruit
5. Red wagons

Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)


Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

What I Don't Understand

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

What is on that old VHS?

My husband is on a mission to covert our old VHS tapes to DVD's. He's talked about it for years and has finally started the process. His collection is mainly of old skating videos (he has kept up with all the major figure skating events since 1984...it's his "football").

He told me that my Senior Oboe Recital was on tape and I didn't remember having it recorded!

We played it last night and it was absolutely bizarre.

I saw people I haven't thought about in years, but I remembered every bit of the music. It was a great recital because it wasn't only "oboe and piano", but also "English horn, trumpet, piano," "oboe duet", and "soprano, tenor and oboe."

I saw myself at 22, about to graduate college. I wanted to scream at her and tell a few things! Not that I regret my journey, but sometimes I look back on my life and wish there were a few things I had known.

The other wonderful thing about this "lost DVD" was seeing my friends and family.

My accompanist and roommate, Jennifer K. who just "sat" at the piano and made it sing.

My friend Pam D. who had a soprano voice that could not compare with many (I can only imagine how amazing she sounds today).

Tasha M. who played her trumpet like nobody's business, and always had a twinkle in her eye.

Wake F. my former oboe teacher who recently passed away. He was brilliant.

My darling husband (boyfriend of 2 years) with a "dark" head of hair, sounding brilliant when he sang the Vaughn Williams.

My Dad, vibrant, healthy and proud. With his arm around me.

And my sweet Mom.

What a wonderful evening to remember. I'm so glad we ran across that tape.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Old tapes
2. Rickety county fair roller coasters
3. "Elvis" quoting scripture (another blog post to come)
4. A roasted chicken, not from Walmart
5. Late lunches

Missing Mom

When Mother's Day comes around, and you have no mother to hug, it's sad. You feel alone.

I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law and my mother's best friend as my "pseudo moms," but it is not the same.

My mother died five weeks after my first son was born. It has been almost 15 years ago and I still can remember the touch of her hand. The expression on her face when she saw my son for the first time, the times she would bring me a drink and snack before the spelling bee in elementary school (she was a teacher's aide at my school). The times she would laugh so hard that she didn't make a sound! We always managed to start laughing at very inappropriate times :)

I missed out on having my mother with me while raising my children. What was supposed to be a joyous, sleep deprived time for me, became a time of pain. When the diagnosis of hemophilia came on top of everything else, I really was not able to deal with my grief over my mom and for that matter my son for many years.

As I look back to that time nearly 15 years ago, I see that I am not even close to being the same person I was then.

I am so thankful God intervened and worked on me.

It's taken many years to say goodbye to my Mom, but I've realized that you can never truly say goodbye. My Mom is always with me. In my heart, in the way I love my children, in the things I say and do. I still hear her voice and can feel her warmth.

Lydia Cano Campos was my mother and I adored her and miss her terribly. I would give anything to put my arms around her again.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Old frying pans
2. Recipes passed down
3. An old tea pitcher
4. Chocolate milk
5. Oscar de la Renta perfume

Wondrous Love

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders

Am I Too Passionate?

Back in October, my 14 year old was bullied at school and physically attacked. I've been waiting and waiting for something to happen.

Long story short, the Police Department did everything they were supposed to do, filed the report within 24 hours and now the Juvenile Probation office says they never received it. The officer re-submitted the report last week and now the case is open.

I was treated so badly by a secretary at the Juvenile office today that I have already reported her actions to her supervisor and have crafted a letter to send to her directly (while copying her supervisor and the police captain).

I'm ticked.

I've had physical stress like none other over the past two weeks.

I just believe that the right thing needs to be done for the sake of the right thing needing to be done.

The "rude secretary" needs to learn about customer service. Sometimes you deal with irate people, sometimes they are even a bit ignorant, but your job is to handle them as well as possible.

She needs to learn how to see people from another point of view (especially in her line of work).

She didn't understand that I had been getting the "run around" and had been waiting since October for justice to be served. Could I help that I am at my wits end with all of this?

She doesn't know that it takes over $100,000 a year to treat my son with factor replacement therapy and that the injuries he sustained, for the average person, were probably no big deal. It cost over $6,000 extra to treat those injuries. His injuries could have been life threatening if that bully had gone just a little bit farther.

She also didn't know the stress I was under because at the moment I was in her office looking for a few answers, my 5 year old was home suffering from not only a nasty ear infection, but a pretty serious bleed in his thigh and we had been infusing him every three hours around the clock.

You have to watch the words you say and how you say them.

Often times it's best to not say anything, but simply shake your head in agreement.

I don't get angry at much anymore, but when you mess with my children or husband, I get a little crazy.

I would appreciate your prayers as the report of the incident finally gets underway.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Listening
2. A soft, pallet on the floor
3. An understanding ear
4. Realizations
5. passion

The Things We Say

You never know how powerful your words are.

An old school friend of mine shared a memory with me. She described the scene, told me what I said...but I couldn't remember the moment! She sure did. I said something kind to her and it was something she needed to hear. It was something that meant more to her than I ever imagined. I'm glad that in that moment, I spoke my heart. It was the Holy Spirit using me.

Last night I spoke to a women's group. A close knit group of a "sisterhood" that I am fortunate enough to claim as my own. When I was finished, I was approached by several of my "sisters" and they had such nice things to say. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in my presentation, but apparently my message touched several people.

The evening was not about me needing to take my own advice, but about speaking the truth that the Holy Spirit put on my heart for others to hear.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

I understand my passion now. It's not just about "speaking in public" and teaching, but to deliver the message that God gives to me. Even if the message I am delivering seems to be "old hat" and maybe not as poignant for me personally, those words I share may change someone else's heart.

You just never know.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Bubble wrap
2. My son cleaning the kitchen
3. Sweaty feet
4. A compliment by a stranger
5. Photo kiosks

One of Those Days

You ever have one of those days that just pushed you to the limit every time you turned around?

That was today. I don't feel like talking much about it right now, but I know that Satan had a field day with me today. I was so busy and overwhelmed and angry at a situation that my joy was nowhere to be found. It was sucked out of me. The crazy thing is that I had more joy than I knew what to do with Wednesday afternoon! I even caught myself singing at the top of my lungs on the way home from Las Cruces. I mean I was singing like nobody's business:)

I guess the enemy just could not handle my happiness and he definitely got the best of me today.

During our Maundy Thursday service tonight, as I was taking communion from my husband, I became a little emotional. It was if Christ was touching my heart. I was reminded me that He was with me, even if I was not completely in the moment. He brought me back to that important moment of what the meaning of communion is about. The reverence, the beauty, the realization of what the Creator of the Universe did for us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Trying a new place to eat
2. A friend in church taking charge of my little one while I played music for the service
3. A new book on my Kindle
4. My little one curling up next to me, snoring 5 minutes later
5. Memories from an old friend

Routine

There are some things in everyday living that just bring a sense of comfort and joy to my heart...

Being the first one up in the morning
My snoring, overweight Sheltie
My husband playing computer solitaire
Setting clothes out at night for the next day
Listening to my fourteen year old sing as he goes about his day
Stopping by Circle K for my morning coffee (I love me some gas station coffee)
Listening to my husband read night night stories
My five year old having his regular evening snack of raisins and milk (odd combination, I know)

I could go on and on about the little things in my life that mean so much. So many things that seem mundane are really precious treasures.

I have a routine in the morning. It's always the same. Why have I gotten so far away from using some of that time to be still and listen to what the Creator of the Universe has to say to me? It's almost like I am asking for something negative to happen. Do I really need for something to "shock" me into remembering how important my faith is in Christ ?

I know I am not the only one who leans heavily on God when things are rough. What I am seeing in myself is that I am getting comfortable. Comfortable in my surroundings, comfortable in my routine, and not praising God for those routine things that make life special.

Anyone can cry out to God when they are in despair.

When is the last time you cried out in praise to Him for no reason at all?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Easter decorations
2. newspaper
3. new fingernail polish
4. piano benches
5. raisins

Sunday Morning Struggle

I struggle on Sunday mornings. As the wife of a pastor, "meeting and greeting" is part of the morning. I always feel like I have to be "on" and am always concerned that I am not "genuine" in my intentions. I'll admit, sometimes I have to pull myself up and "fake it" if I'm not feeling well or don't remember someone's name. Honestly, going up to make conversation with someone is not my strength.

Yesterday morning was different. I went early to fix a few small things (a new tablecloth at the entry, the new Children's worship boxes, water the new flowers, etc.) and for the first time I truly felt as if I was serving wholeheartedly.

It's not that I have served with negative intentions, but the pressures and expectations that go along with being the wife of a pastor are hard to sometimes deal with.

The bottom line is...I am a regular person. I don't wear a powder blue suit with a pill box hat on Sunday's with a casserole waiting in the oven when we get home. I am a broken person who struggles each day to do the best that I can. Each day is a new day to bring the best of myself to my family, our congregation and most importantly, myself.

I struggle and try to struggle well. Aren't we blessed to have each day begin fresh and new.

Remember, his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A clean yard
2. Memories of my Dad
3. Leftover roast
4. A fantastic Palm Sunday service
5. AA batteries

Ten Minutes

I caught the end of a evening talk show the other night and the interviewer asked the celebrity a great question.

"If you could re-live 10 minutes of your life, excluding the birth of your child, what would it be?"

I remember it vividly. December 21, 1992 at Bearskin Lodge. Joe and I were on our honeymoon. I remember walking from the lodge to our cabin, stopping and looking straight up. It was 17 degrees, snow was falling, and the trees were covered with snow. It took my breath away. I knew at that moment that I was truly married to my best friend. That we were meant to be together. We were alone without a care in the world. About to begin a new life together filled with possibilities. I know that God's hand was in that moment.

What are your "ten minutes?"

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. blackberries
2. lunch with a girlfriend
3. hearing the voice of a dear friend
4. bird feed
5. babies

Listening

Sometimes you do what you think you are "supposed" to do.

But I have recently found that doing the next thing on my list has not exactly felt right.

I have enjoyed my classes in seminary, but I have felt like I've been trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I'm trying too hard to make it happen.

I've decided to step back for awhile...and listen.


Sometimes stopping and living each moment for what it is and not worrying about what is to come is the best solution.

I guess it's what that "intentional" living is all about.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. dusty floors
2. new pillows
3. Easter "buckets"
4. magnetic fridge clips
5. being quiet

What's Their Story?

We went to one of our favorite restaurant's after church Sunday at the golf course. The deck is beautiful and the weather was perfect. The waitress knows our orders before we even sit down (we've been there a "few" times).

A new waiter was working. My husband proceeded to tell me his name, that he moved from a nearby town, recently broke up with his girlfriend and is busing and waiting tables so that he can be here near his mother who is dying from cancer.

Wow. You just never know.

Yesterday I was in the drive thru at SONIC (feeding my Diet Coke addiction) and it was taking a really, really long time. I stuck with it and the woman in front of me had had it! She got out of her car and banged on the window demanding her money back. It was not pretty. When I got up to the window, the young woman (who is as sweet as can be...she knows me too) was red faced and trying to not get upset. She obviously was doing the best she could.

As I drove away I wondered what the young woman's story was. Is she working to provide for her family? Struggling through school? Trying to figure out the next step in her young life?

When we begin to get exasperated with others, I think it's important to put ourselves in their situation. What would we feel like if an irate customer attacked you and you were doing the best you could? We have no idea what is going on in their lives.

An "oozer" will take a deep breath, show some compassion, and try to handle the situation with grace.

Several years ago, I was the woman who banged on the window demanding my money back.

I am so glad Christ has changed me. I'm not perfect and I don't ooze all the time, but it is the way I strive to live. I am so grateful that He gives us a clean slate each morning.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. make-up work
2. research
3. soft dog food
4. our local office supply
5. tower fans

Making Things Happen

“ Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action, and purpose. ” Lance Armstrong

I've caught myself seeing the weeks go by with the same to do list in my head. I am realizing that progress is not being made in several areas of my life. I have to make things happen.

I don't want to settle...on my opportunities at work, with my weight, the state of my health, not moving forward with my speaking ministry. There are too many things I want to happen in my life and I am catching myself just settling and going with the flow.

One of the people I admire most is my husband. When he realized he wanted to be in ministry full-time as an elder in the church and not just a music minister, he made it happen. We lived in a small town in New Mexico and he managed to get to school in Denver once a week and took classes online...for three years. He is now pastoring our church and is completely happy. He followed his dream, his passion. It was not given to him on a silver platter, he had to work for it.

I think it might be that I am just a little scared. My life is nothing like I "planned" and I am grateful, because I am definitely not the same person I was ten years ago, but I think I need to step it up and make some things happen.

My son recently asked me if I had accomplished what I wanted with my life. I told him yes in many ways, but that I didn't believe I was where I needed to be quite yet.

Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Ceiling fans
2. An unexpected chill in the air
3. Ink
4. Dry hands
5. Baby blankets

Three Minutes

I like to get my nails done. Solar nails, the natural look, are my favorites. The last step in the process is a clear coat of special polish then it dries under a special UV light for three minutes.

Three minutes.

Three minutes of sitting with no phone to your ear, no book in your hand...

Three minutes to let your mind wander.

I will make the time to go to the salon and get my nails done and spend three minutes at the end being absolutely still. Why can't I make that a daily priority?

Run, run, run...one thing to the next without taking a breath.

I'm tired of running!

I need some time for me everyday. My intentional journey for 2011 is not going the way I had hoped. It's time to re-evaluate. It's time to take my three minutes with God everyday. Time to refocus.

Are you with me? Let's take three minutes each day to be still, to meditate, to pray...to be grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pop Tarts
2. the sunrise out of an airplane window
3. new shoes
4. great barbeque
5. getting work done early

Seeing the Joy

When my five year old, "Christian", was born and diagnosed with Severe Hemophilia A, I was devastated.

My husband and I broke the news of his diagnosis to his then nine year old brother, "Lance," who also has Severe Hemophilia A, and Lance literally started jumping up and down! My husband and I were very confused. Why was he excited?

Lance said, "When I am in leadership (counselor) at hemophilia camp, he will be a first time camper! We will be there together!

He didn't see the pain, the numerous attempts at accessing veins, the bleeds...he automatically saw the joy.

Fast forward five years…this past Sunday evening.

Christian's port is acting up again. Something is not right. My husband had already mixed his factor and needed to get it into Christian's body, so the only option was to use a butterfly needle and access a vein. Something my husband had not done before on our little Christian but it is how Lance infuses his factor regularly.

You know how they both handled it? My Lance sat there and talked Christian through it. He was there to reassure him and help him not be scared.

My husband was able to focus on the infusion and not worry about Christian. On the second try...success.

It's something only the sibling affected with the same disorder can understand.

My Lance has a compassionate heart. He loves his brother (even though they can fight like cats and dogs). They protect each other.

I pray that my children continue to see the best in every situation and in other people. And that after my husband and I are long gone, that they have a close, loving relationship and that Christ shines through their souls.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Tea lights
2. The $15 extra dollars I spent to get my laundry finished!
3. Having meaningful input on a conference call
4. De-cluttering
5. Negative x-rays!

Use Words If Necessary

During one of my online discussions in my New Testament class last week, one of my classmates made reference to a quote I had never heard before. It sums up how I want to live my life. It's what "oozing" is all about.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.” St. Francis of Assisi

The word "preach" can be misleading. You might imagine a pastor in a pulpit delivering a sermon (maybe a fire and damnation one). Maybe you even equate "preaching" to hearing your parents or teachers go on and on about something you did not do well.

Preaching can be powerful. Words can change your life. But what about your actions?

When I lived in Houston, I spent a lot of time on the toll roads. I remember stopping at a toll booth one afternoon and the toll booth operator told me to put my money away. The person in front of me paid my toll! It was only $1.50, but the act of kindness that a complete stranger extended to me warmed my heart.

When someone holds a door open for me, it not only tells me they are kind and thoughtful, but that they are acknowledging my presence. My worth. Such a small act can impact a life in unimaginable ways.

You don't have to "preach" to someone about Jesus. We are called to be the "hands and feet" of Christ. To live our lives with every action we take intended to glorify Christ, is what we should strive to do everyday.

If we have to use words to talk to someone about our faith and we struggle and stumble through our story, then we have been obedient and delivered the Good News to someone who may have never heard the message of Christ.

Step out in faith! Do something for someone else with an intentional heart. Don't be afraid to pray out loud! Live your life with Christ pouring out of your being. Be a blessing :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. padded envelopes
2. re-runs of The Golden Girls
3. The sound of my dog lapping up her water
4. Nilla wafers
5. chapped lips

The Joy of Being the Wife of a Pastor

The accompanist at our church was sick yesterday, Ash Wednesday, so my husband was depending on me to play my instruments (oboe & English horn) during the service. He also needed my oldest son to sing at the beginning of the service. But there was one problem...there was no nursery worker.

I don't know why I thought my five year old would cooperate (I think the papers I have due for school this week have scrambled my common sense).

My "Christian" lasted for about 10 minutes, then I had to wrangle him away from his friend and their family (I know they were relieved) and took him to the "cry room" which is not exactly sound proof. The he commences to fight with his older brother. Off to the back I go. Things settle down, then I hear the screaming (and so does the congregation) so off I go again.

Let's just say, it was a long hour. I had to jump back and forth from trying to be a part of the service to keeping a smile on my face while fighting back the urge to impart bodily harm on my children!

I wasn't exactly "oozing the light of Christ" as my husband was talking to the congregation about this holy season and how we should reflect on our spiritual life.

The two year old in the congregation did better than my 14 and 5 year old.

Contrary to popular belief, just because you are a "pastor's wife" does not mean you have it all together.

We have dirty bathrooms, dog poop in the yard, messy kitchen cabinets and sometimes the unholiest of words will come out of mouths.

We are real people trying our best to love a very real God.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. plums
2. voicemail
3. Playgrounds
4. pants full of dirt (from a hard day's play)
5. book fair's

Rah-Rah!

What a day yesterday was! The day after you have been out sick from work is always crazy. Weeding through email, answering requests, re-prioritizing...it all makes for a very busy day.

After a shower and a Wal-Mart pizza, homework loomed. I have two final papers due this week and the absolute last thing I felt like doing was pondering United Methodist Doctrine.

My husband pushed me to stop procrastinating and off I went to the dining room table.

I started trying to work and began tearing up because I had absolutely no desire to even think. I was just exausted. The moment I started getting upset, my husband shouted for my boys and they, in the midst of their craziness, did a cheer. Yes, just like the girls in junior high school, jumps and all!


My family is absolutely crazy! That is exactly what I needed to get my hiney in gear and stop my little "pity party" (I like to throw those parties for myself…hats and everything).

Are you fortunate enough to have a "fan"? I live with three men who are my biggest fans. Even when I am not a fan of myself, they never let me down.

I don't know what I would do without them.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God." Philippians 1:3 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. crazy wind
2. old Halloween candy
3. A peanut buttery bagel
4. texting grocery lists (and not being the one at the grocery store)
5. Ziploc bags

The Season is Upon Us

I love the season of Lent. I can't believe it begins this Wednesday.

I grew a "good Catholic girl" so the seasons of the church were an important part of my church life. When I was little it was about "giving something up." Maybe soft drinks or chocolate. I knew you weren't supposed to eat meat on Friday's but that wasn't something our home held fast to.

When I was newly married, my husband and I belonged to a fantastic church, St. Pius V in Pasadena, Texas. We were involved in the music ministry, were married there, I was confirmed there and my husband became Catholic there. The minute you walk into that sanctuary, something happens to you. I came to understand that it was truly the Holy Spirit alive in that place.

One year, we truly "did Lent" the whole way. We went to morning prayers, did devotionals, went to every special mass, and let me tell you something, the season was filled with meaning about what Jesus truly did for each and every one of us. For the first time I felt like I finally "got it."

That was really the only year I felt like I did all the right things during the season. I know, it sounds crazy, (maybe it's that old Catholic mentality I have of "doing") but I never seem to have gone through the season again with intention.

That is my hope for this year. I want to experience the Lenten season with intention. It is not going to be about giving anything up, but adding something. My husband and oldest son have already decided that we are going to spend a few minutes each evening reading scripture together.

I am tired of going through the motions and blaming it all on being busy. It is time to slow down and experience each day, because it will fly by without me even noticing.

My husband is focusing on the book of Matthew this Lenten season and I found a reading plan with Matthew as the focus. Take a look...it even has questions to ponder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Surviving my first exam in my New Testament class
2. Deadlines
3. Cooking on the grill
4. Index cards
5. reminiscing

Pain

I was in pain like I have never experienced this week. My shoulder started acting up Sunday afternoon, and by Tuesday afternoon, I was in a 10+ level of pain. That evening, my husband almost took me to the emergency room.

The next day I had a massage, and went to the doctor with no measure of relief. I slept most of the day.

Thursday, I went to the chiropractor and a new general doctor and they both helped me tremendously.

Today I am almost pain free and can finally function. Sounds like nothing as I write this, but it was such an overwhelming amount of pain that I cannot put words to it.

I am one of the lucky ones who experience pain that eventually goes away. What about those who endure "chronic" pain.

My dearest friend in the world, "Leigh", and I met in junior high school. We lived around the corner from each other, were in band together, went to the lake on the weekends, and even though we went on very different paths after high school, have remained close (even when we don't talk for a few years at a time). She is very special to me.

Several years ago she was in a horrific car accident (which took the life of a young woman) and left Leigh to never physically be the same. She has, and continues to suffer from that accident daily. She is in chronic pain.

When you look at her, you would never know she was in pain. But if you know her well and look into her eyes, you know that the "spunk" she always had is not there anymore.

I have experienced some extremely difficult things in my life but this is the one situation that I continue to ask God, "Why?" "Why did that truck hit her car? Why was the life of her young friend taken? Why did she experience and fight cancer for this to be in her future?"

I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that everything happens with purpose attached to it. My prayer for Leigh is that through her physical pain she is able to find purpose with her life. That God touches her in an amazing way to reassure her that she is loved just the way she is. And that she eventually finds the purpose meant for her in this life.

And that one day her "spunk" will return.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Chiropractic treatment
2. Walk-in appointments
3. Burgers on the grill
4. Fans
5. New pillows