Surprising Myself (an older post that was lost)

I wrote this post on May 12th and it never posted. Some technical issue I guess, so here it is. I have more to tell later :)


Last week I was in pretty bad shape. I was not feeling well and my depression took hold of me. Fortunately, things are much better. I have some great friends that I can call on at a moment's notice who help me work my way out of the pit that I fall into so often.

I never dreamed that a week later I would actually surprise myself.

I don't want to talk about it just yet, but I stepped out in faith in a pretty big way. Nothing may come of it, but the fact that I prepared and presented my work to a couple of people just to see what might happen is pretty big stuff for me.

For the first time in several months I feel like the future is pretty exciting. A busy summer to look forward to and moving towards a more authentic route in my ministry.

Sometimes we just exist, but if we rely on our faith and pull ourselves up, it's just amazing to see God grab hold of you and make things happen.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. taking a chance
2. ice packs
3. FedEx Freight
4. calendars
5. too much wind

What I Don't Understand

I truly believe everyone is given certain things to deal with in their lives.

Some people struggle with addiction, others with relationships and so many with health issues.

My sons have hemophilia, and I often wonder why they have to live with it.

Most especially, my five year old.

He has struggled so much with his bleeding disorder. Bleed after bleed, a high titer inhibitor, and enormous amounts of pain.

Yesterday I picked him up early from the sitter's house because his leg was hurting. It was actually the start of an ankle bleed. It's his bad ankle (it's heartbreaking to me that my five year old has a bad ankle).

Despite infusing factor, ice packs, rest and pain medication, he suffers from intense pain during a bleed.

We put him to bed and I laid with him for a long time hoping he would fall asleep and not continue to wake up every few minutes crying in pain.

I watched the shadows on his wall from his little flashlight as my arm was across his body. Whenever he is starting to fall asleep he plays with my fingernails. He rubs them on each side and touches each of my fingers.

Right when I think he is asleep, he cries out in pain.

There are two things in this world I question God about:

1. Why my dearest friend from junior high endured a painful divorce, breast cancer at 29, and was the victim of a car accident and has been in physical pain ever since.

2. And why my "Christian" suffers so much.

I know I am not supposed to question God and the plan He has for each of us, but my heart breaks a little more with every cry. If I could bear my son's pain, I would take it in a second.

What I do know for sure, is that my Christian has a purpose. My husband and I never thought he would be in our lives and now that he is here, dealing with more than some adults have experienced in a lifetime, I can't wait to see the man he will become.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Aquawraps
2. torn towels for ice packs
3. liquid pain medication
4. a favorite blanket
5. wiped tears

What is on that old VHS?

My husband is on a mission to covert our old VHS tapes to DVD's. He's talked about it for years and has finally started the process. His collection is mainly of old skating videos (he has kept up with all the major figure skating events since 1984...it's his "football").

He told me that my Senior Oboe Recital was on tape and I didn't remember having it recorded!

We played it last night and it was absolutely bizarre.

I saw people I haven't thought about in years, but I remembered every bit of the music. It was a great recital because it wasn't only "oboe and piano", but also "English horn, trumpet, piano," "oboe duet", and "soprano, tenor and oboe."

I saw myself at 22, about to graduate college. I wanted to scream at her and tell a few things! Not that I regret my journey, but sometimes I look back on my life and wish there were a few things I had known.

The other wonderful thing about this "lost DVD" was seeing my friends and family.

My accompanist and roommate, Jennifer K. who just "sat" at the piano and made it sing.

My friend Pam D. who had a soprano voice that could not compare with many (I can only imagine how amazing she sounds today).

Tasha M. who played her trumpet like nobody's business, and always had a twinkle in her eye.

Wake F. my former oboe teacher who recently passed away. He was brilliant.

My darling husband (boyfriend of 2 years) with a "dark" head of hair, sounding brilliant when he sang the Vaughn Williams.

My Dad, vibrant, healthy and proud. With his arm around me.

And my sweet Mom.

What a wonderful evening to remember. I'm so glad we ran across that tape.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Old tapes
2. Rickety county fair roller coasters
3. "Elvis" quoting scripture (another blog post to come)
4. A roasted chicken, not from Walmart
5. Late lunches

Missing Mom

When Mother's Day comes around, and you have no mother to hug, it's sad. You feel alone.

I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law and my mother's best friend as my "pseudo moms," but it is not the same.

My mother died five weeks after my first son was born. It has been almost 15 years ago and I still can remember the touch of her hand. The expression on her face when she saw my son for the first time, the times she would bring me a drink and snack before the spelling bee in elementary school (she was a teacher's aide at my school). The times she would laugh so hard that she didn't make a sound! We always managed to start laughing at very inappropriate times :)

I missed out on having my mother with me while raising my children. What was supposed to be a joyous, sleep deprived time for me, became a time of pain. When the diagnosis of hemophilia came on top of everything else, I really was not able to deal with my grief over my mom and for that matter my son for many years.

As I look back to that time nearly 15 years ago, I see that I am not even close to being the same person I was then.

I am so thankful God intervened and worked on me.

It's taken many years to say goodbye to my Mom, but I've realized that you can never truly say goodbye. My Mom is always with me. In my heart, in the way I love my children, in the things I say and do. I still hear her voice and can feel her warmth.

Lydia Cano Campos was my mother and I adored her and miss her terribly. I would give anything to put my arms around her again.

Today I Am Thankful For:
1. Old frying pans
2. Recipes passed down
3. An old tea pitcher
4. Chocolate milk
5. Oscar de la Renta perfume

Wondrous Love

I popped in a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time, "Prayer and Plainsong" by Cynthia Clawson. She is absolutely phenomenal! Her spin on hymns spoils you because when you do sing out of the hymnal, you want to sing the "Cynthia Clawson" version.

One of my favorite hymns is "What Wondrous Love is This." The second verse speaks to me.

"When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down,
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown
For my soul, for my soul.
God laid aside His crown, for my soul."

Isn't it amazing to know that the Lord of all, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, takes off his crown, sets it aside, and loves us entirely? I have this picture of God, taking off his robe and crown, brushing off his sleeves and grabbing us by the neck, the way a cat picks up her kittens, to reassure us, to love us. His touch lets us know that we are not done yet. He is not done with us yet.

I have felt that grasp on my neck through my difficult times with depression. It is real.

Through our junk, anger, depression, disappointments and even the things we may deem trivial compared to others, God is always there for us and with us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Running water
2. Newly, organized shelves
3. Too much work
4. Stocking up on drinks from Sam's Club
5. Calendar reminders

Am I Too Passionate?

Back in October, my 14 year old was bullied at school and physically attacked. I've been waiting and waiting for something to happen.

Long story short, the Police Department did everything they were supposed to do, filed the report within 24 hours and now the Juvenile Probation office says they never received it. The officer re-submitted the report last week and now the case is open.

I was treated so badly by a secretary at the Juvenile office today that I have already reported her actions to her supervisor and have crafted a letter to send to her directly (while copying her supervisor and the police captain).

I'm ticked.

I've had physical stress like none other over the past two weeks.

I just believe that the right thing needs to be done for the sake of the right thing needing to be done.

The "rude secretary" needs to learn about customer service. Sometimes you deal with irate people, sometimes they are even a bit ignorant, but your job is to handle them as well as possible.

She needs to learn how to see people from another point of view (especially in her line of work).

She didn't understand that I had been getting the "run around" and had been waiting since October for justice to be served. Could I help that I am at my wits end with all of this?

She doesn't know that it takes over $100,000 a year to treat my son with factor replacement therapy and that the injuries he sustained, for the average person, were probably no big deal. It cost over $6,000 extra to treat those injuries. His injuries could have been life threatening if that bully had gone just a little bit farther.

She also didn't know the stress I was under because at the moment I was in her office looking for a few answers, my 5 year old was home suffering from not only a nasty ear infection, but a pretty serious bleed in his thigh and we had been infusing him every three hours around the clock.

You have to watch the words you say and how you say them.

Often times it's best to not say anything, but simply shake your head in agreement.

I don't get angry at much anymore, but when you mess with my children or husband, I get a little crazy.

I would appreciate your prayers as the report of the incident finally gets underway.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Listening
2. A soft, pallet on the floor
3. An understanding ear
4. Realizations
5. passion

The Things We Say

You never know how powerful your words are.

An old school friend of mine shared a memory with me. She described the scene, told me what I said...but I couldn't remember the moment! She sure did. I said something kind to her and it was something she needed to hear. It was something that meant more to her than I ever imagined. I'm glad that in that moment, I spoke my heart. It was the Holy Spirit using me.

Last night I spoke to a women's group. A close knit group of a "sisterhood" that I am fortunate enough to claim as my own. When I was finished, I was approached by several of my "sisters" and they had such nice things to say. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in my presentation, but apparently my message touched several people.

The evening was not about me needing to take my own advice, but about speaking the truth that the Holy Spirit put on my heart for others to hear.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

I understand my passion now. It's not just about "speaking in public" and teaching, but to deliver the message that God gives to me. Even if the message I am delivering seems to be "old hat" and maybe not as poignant for me personally, those words I share may change someone else's heart.

You just never know.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Bubble wrap
2. My son cleaning the kitchen
3. Sweaty feet
4. A compliment by a stranger
5. Photo kiosks

One of Those Days

You ever have one of those days that just pushed you to the limit every time you turned around?

That was today. I don't feel like talking much about it right now, but I know that Satan had a field day with me today. I was so busy and overwhelmed and angry at a situation that my joy was nowhere to be found. It was sucked out of me. The crazy thing is that I had more joy than I knew what to do with Wednesday afternoon! I even caught myself singing at the top of my lungs on the way home from Las Cruces. I mean I was singing like nobody's business:)

I guess the enemy just could not handle my happiness and he definitely got the best of me today.

During our Maundy Thursday service tonight, as I was taking communion from my husband, I became a little emotional. It was if Christ was touching my heart. I was reminded me that He was with me, even if I was not completely in the moment. He brought me back to that important moment of what the meaning of communion is about. The reverence, the beauty, the realization of what the Creator of the Universe did for us.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Trying a new place to eat
2. A friend in church taking charge of my little one while I played music for the service
3. A new book on my Kindle
4. My little one curling up next to me, snoring 5 minutes later
5. Memories from an old friend

Routine

There are some things in everyday living that just bring a sense of comfort and joy to my heart...

Being the first one up in the morning
My snoring, overweight Sheltie
My husband playing computer solitaire
Setting clothes out at night for the next day
Listening to my fourteen year old sing as he goes about his day
Stopping by Circle K for my morning coffee (I love me some gas station coffee)
Listening to my husband read night night stories
My five year old having his regular evening snack of raisins and milk (odd combination, I know)

I could go on and on about the little things in my life that mean so much. So many things that seem mundane are really precious treasures.

I have a routine in the morning. It's always the same. Why have I gotten so far away from using some of that time to be still and listen to what the Creator of the Universe has to say to me? It's almost like I am asking for something negative to happen. Do I really need for something to "shock" me into remembering how important my faith is in Christ ?

I know I am not the only one who leans heavily on God when things are rough. What I am seeing in myself is that I am getting comfortable. Comfortable in my surroundings, comfortable in my routine, and not praising God for those routine things that make life special.

Anyone can cry out to God when they are in despair.

When is the last time you cried out in praise to Him for no reason at all?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Easter decorations
2. newspaper
3. new fingernail polish
4. piano benches
5. raisins

Sunday Morning Struggle

I struggle on Sunday mornings. As the wife of a pastor, "meeting and greeting" is part of the morning. I always feel like I have to be "on" and am always concerned that I am not "genuine" in my intentions. I'll admit, sometimes I have to pull myself up and "fake it" if I'm not feeling well or don't remember someone's name. Honestly, going up to make conversation with someone is not my strength.

Yesterday morning was different. I went early to fix a few small things (a new tablecloth at the entry, the new Children's worship boxes, water the new flowers, etc.) and for the first time I truly felt as if I was serving wholeheartedly.

It's not that I have served with negative intentions, but the pressures and expectations that go along with being the wife of a pastor are hard to sometimes deal with.

The bottom line is...I am a regular person. I don't wear a powder blue suit with a pill box hat on Sunday's with a casserole waiting in the oven when we get home. I am a broken person who struggles each day to do the best that I can. Each day is a new day to bring the best of myself to my family, our congregation and most importantly, myself.

I struggle and try to struggle well. Aren't we blessed to have each day begin fresh and new.

Remember, his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A clean yard
2. Memories of my Dad
3. Leftover roast
4. A fantastic Palm Sunday service
5. AA batteries

Ten Minutes

I caught the end of a evening talk show the other night and the interviewer asked the celebrity a great question.

"If you could re-live 10 minutes of your life, excluding the birth of your child, what would it be?"

I remember it vividly. December 21, 1992 at Bearskin Lodge. Joe and I were on our honeymoon. I remember walking from the lodge to our cabin, stopping and looking straight up. It was 17 degrees, snow was falling, and the trees were covered with snow. It took my breath away. I knew at that moment that I was truly married to my best friend. That we were meant to be together. We were alone without a care in the world. About to begin a new life together filled with possibilities. I know that God's hand was in that moment.

What are your "ten minutes?"

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. blackberries
2. lunch with a girlfriend
3. hearing the voice of a dear friend
4. bird feed
5. babies

Listening

Sometimes you do what you think you are "supposed" to do.

But I have recently found that doing the next thing on my list has not exactly felt right.

I have enjoyed my classes in seminary, but I have felt like I've been trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I'm trying too hard to make it happen.

I've decided to step back for awhile...and listen.


Sometimes stopping and living each moment for what it is and not worrying about what is to come is the best solution.

I guess it's what that "intentional" living is all about.


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. dusty floors
2. new pillows
3. Easter "buckets"
4. magnetic fridge clips
5. being quiet

What's Their Story?

We went to one of our favorite restaurant's after church Sunday at the golf course. The deck is beautiful and the weather was perfect. The waitress knows our orders before we even sit down (we've been there a "few" times).

A new waiter was working. My husband proceeded to tell me his name, that he moved from a nearby town, recently broke up with his girlfriend and is busing and waiting tables so that he can be here near his mother who is dying from cancer.

Wow. You just never know.

Yesterday I was in the drive thru at SONIC (feeding my Diet Coke addiction) and it was taking a really, really long time. I stuck with it and the woman in front of me had had it! She got out of her car and banged on the window demanding her money back. It was not pretty. When I got up to the window, the young woman (who is as sweet as can be...she knows me too) was red faced and trying to not get upset. She obviously was doing the best she could.

As I drove away I wondered what the young woman's story was. Is she working to provide for her family? Struggling through school? Trying to figure out the next step in her young life?

When we begin to get exasperated with others, I think it's important to put ourselves in their situation. What would we feel like if an irate customer attacked you and you were doing the best you could? We have no idea what is going on in their lives.

An "oozer" will take a deep breath, show some compassion, and try to handle the situation with grace.

Several years ago, I was the woman who banged on the window demanding my money back.

I am so glad Christ has changed me. I'm not perfect and I don't ooze all the time, but it is the way I strive to live. I am so grateful that He gives us a clean slate each morning.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. make-up work
2. research
3. soft dog food
4. our local office supply
5. tower fans

Making Things Happen

“ Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action, and purpose. ” Lance Armstrong

I've caught myself seeing the weeks go by with the same to do list in my head. I am realizing that progress is not being made in several areas of my life. I have to make things happen.

I don't want to settle...on my opportunities at work, with my weight, the state of my health, not moving forward with my speaking ministry. There are too many things I want to happen in my life and I am catching myself just settling and going with the flow.

One of the people I admire most is my husband. When he realized he wanted to be in ministry full-time as an elder in the church and not just a music minister, he made it happen. We lived in a small town in New Mexico and he managed to get to school in Denver once a week and took classes online...for three years. He is now pastoring our church and is completely happy. He followed his dream, his passion. It was not given to him on a silver platter, he had to work for it.

I think it might be that I am just a little scared. My life is nothing like I "planned" and I am grateful, because I am definitely not the same person I was ten years ago, but I think I need to step it up and make some things happen.

My son recently asked me if I had accomplished what I wanted with my life. I told him yes in many ways, but that I didn't believe I was where I needed to be quite yet.

Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Ceiling fans
2. An unexpected chill in the air
3. Ink
4. Dry hands
5. Baby blankets

Three Minutes

I like to get my nails done. Solar nails, the natural look, are my favorites. The last step in the process is a clear coat of special polish then it dries under a special UV light for three minutes.

Three minutes.

Three minutes of sitting with no phone to your ear, no book in your hand...

Three minutes to let your mind wander.

I will make the time to go to the salon and get my nails done and spend three minutes at the end being absolutely still. Why can't I make that a daily priority?

Run, run, run...one thing to the next without taking a breath.

I'm tired of running!

I need some time for me everyday. My intentional journey for 2011 is not going the way I had hoped. It's time to re-evaluate. It's time to take my three minutes with God everyday. Time to refocus.

Are you with me? Let's take three minutes each day to be still, to meditate, to pray...to be grateful.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Pop Tarts
2. the sunrise out of an airplane window
3. new shoes
4. great barbeque
5. getting work done early

Seeing the Joy

When my five year old, "Christian", was born and diagnosed with Severe Hemophilia A, I was devastated.

My husband and I broke the news of his diagnosis to his then nine year old brother, "Lance," who also has Severe Hemophilia A, and Lance literally started jumping up and down! My husband and I were very confused. Why was he excited?

Lance said, "When I am in leadership (counselor) at hemophilia camp, he will be a first time camper! We will be there together!

He didn't see the pain, the numerous attempts at accessing veins, the bleeds...he automatically saw the joy.

Fast forward five years…this past Sunday evening.

Christian's port is acting up again. Something is not right. My husband had already mixed his factor and needed to get it into Christian's body, so the only option was to use a butterfly needle and access a vein. Something my husband had not done before on our little Christian but it is how Lance infuses his factor regularly.

You know how they both handled it? My Lance sat there and talked Christian through it. He was there to reassure him and help him not be scared.

My husband was able to focus on the infusion and not worry about Christian. On the second try...success.

It's something only the sibling affected with the same disorder can understand.

My Lance has a compassionate heart. He loves his brother (even though they can fight like cats and dogs). They protect each other.

I pray that my children continue to see the best in every situation and in other people. And that after my husband and I are long gone, that they have a close, loving relationship and that Christ shines through their souls.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Tea lights
2. The $15 extra dollars I spent to get my laundry finished!
3. Having meaningful input on a conference call
4. De-cluttering
5. Negative x-rays!

Use Words If Necessary

During one of my online discussions in my New Testament class last week, one of my classmates made reference to a quote I had never heard before. It sums up how I want to live my life. It's what "oozing" is all about.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.” St. Francis of Assisi

The word "preach" can be misleading. You might imagine a pastor in a pulpit delivering a sermon (maybe a fire and damnation one). Maybe you even equate "preaching" to hearing your parents or teachers go on and on about something you did not do well.

Preaching can be powerful. Words can change your life. But what about your actions?

When I lived in Houston, I spent a lot of time on the toll roads. I remember stopping at a toll booth one afternoon and the toll booth operator told me to put my money away. The person in front of me paid my toll! It was only $1.50, but the act of kindness that a complete stranger extended to me warmed my heart.

When someone holds a door open for me, it not only tells me they are kind and thoughtful, but that they are acknowledging my presence. My worth. Such a small act can impact a life in unimaginable ways.

You don't have to "preach" to someone about Jesus. We are called to be the "hands and feet" of Christ. To live our lives with every action we take intended to glorify Christ, is what we should strive to do everyday.

If we have to use words to talk to someone about our faith and we struggle and stumble through our story, then we have been obedient and delivered the Good News to someone who may have never heard the message of Christ.

Step out in faith! Do something for someone else with an intentional heart. Don't be afraid to pray out loud! Live your life with Christ pouring out of your being. Be a blessing :)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. padded envelopes
2. re-runs of The Golden Girls
3. The sound of my dog lapping up her water
4. Nilla wafers
5. chapped lips

The Joy of Being the Wife of a Pastor

The accompanist at our church was sick yesterday, Ash Wednesday, so my husband was depending on me to play my instruments (oboe & English horn) during the service. He also needed my oldest son to sing at the beginning of the service. But there was one problem...there was no nursery worker.

I don't know why I thought my five year old would cooperate (I think the papers I have due for school this week have scrambled my common sense).

My "Christian" lasted for about 10 minutes, then I had to wrangle him away from his friend and their family (I know they were relieved) and took him to the "cry room" which is not exactly sound proof. The he commences to fight with his older brother. Off to the back I go. Things settle down, then I hear the screaming (and so does the congregation) so off I go again.

Let's just say, it was a long hour. I had to jump back and forth from trying to be a part of the service to keeping a smile on my face while fighting back the urge to impart bodily harm on my children!

I wasn't exactly "oozing the light of Christ" as my husband was talking to the congregation about this holy season and how we should reflect on our spiritual life.

The two year old in the congregation did better than my 14 and 5 year old.

Contrary to popular belief, just because you are a "pastor's wife" does not mean you have it all together.

We have dirty bathrooms, dog poop in the yard, messy kitchen cabinets and sometimes the unholiest of words will come out of mouths.

We are real people trying our best to love a very real God.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. plums
2. voicemail
3. Playgrounds
4. pants full of dirt (from a hard day's play)
5. book fair's

Rah-Rah!

What a day yesterday was! The day after you have been out sick from work is always crazy. Weeding through email, answering requests, re-prioritizing...it all makes for a very busy day.

After a shower and a Wal-Mart pizza, homework loomed. I have two final papers due this week and the absolute last thing I felt like doing was pondering United Methodist Doctrine.

My husband pushed me to stop procrastinating and off I went to the dining room table.

I started trying to work and began tearing up because I had absolutely no desire to even think. I was just exausted. The moment I started getting upset, my husband shouted for my boys and they, in the midst of their craziness, did a cheer. Yes, just like the girls in junior high school, jumps and all!


My family is absolutely crazy! That is exactly what I needed to get my hiney in gear and stop my little "pity party" (I like to throw those parties for myself…hats and everything).

Are you fortunate enough to have a "fan"? I live with three men who are my biggest fans. Even when I am not a fan of myself, they never let me down.

I don't know what I would do without them.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God." Philippians 1:3 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. crazy wind
2. old Halloween candy
3. A peanut buttery bagel
4. texting grocery lists (and not being the one at the grocery store)
5. Ziploc bags

The Season is Upon Us

I love the season of Lent. I can't believe it begins this Wednesday.

I grew a "good Catholic girl" so the seasons of the church were an important part of my church life. When I was little it was about "giving something up." Maybe soft drinks or chocolate. I knew you weren't supposed to eat meat on Friday's but that wasn't something our home held fast to.

When I was newly married, my husband and I belonged to a fantastic church, St. Pius V in Pasadena, Texas. We were involved in the music ministry, were married there, I was confirmed there and my husband became Catholic there. The minute you walk into that sanctuary, something happens to you. I came to understand that it was truly the Holy Spirit alive in that place.

One year, we truly "did Lent" the whole way. We went to morning prayers, did devotionals, went to every special mass, and let me tell you something, the season was filled with meaning about what Jesus truly did for each and every one of us. For the first time I felt like I finally "got it."

That was really the only year I felt like I did all the right things during the season. I know, it sounds crazy, (maybe it's that old Catholic mentality I have of "doing") but I never seem to have gone through the season again with intention.

That is my hope for this year. I want to experience the Lenten season with intention. It is not going to be about giving anything up, but adding something. My husband and oldest son have already decided that we are going to spend a few minutes each evening reading scripture together.

I am tired of going through the motions and blaming it all on being busy. It is time to slow down and experience each day, because it will fly by without me even noticing.

My husband is focusing on the book of Matthew this Lenten season and I found a reading plan with Matthew as the focus. Take a look...it even has questions to ponder.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Surviving my first exam in my New Testament class
2. Deadlines
3. Cooking on the grill
4. Index cards
5. reminiscing

Pain

I was in pain like I have never experienced this week. My shoulder started acting up Sunday afternoon, and by Tuesday afternoon, I was in a 10+ level of pain. That evening, my husband almost took me to the emergency room.

The next day I had a massage, and went to the doctor with no measure of relief. I slept most of the day.

Thursday, I went to the chiropractor and a new general doctor and they both helped me tremendously.

Today I am almost pain free and can finally function. Sounds like nothing as I write this, but it was such an overwhelming amount of pain that I cannot put words to it.

I am one of the lucky ones who experience pain that eventually goes away. What about those who endure "chronic" pain.

My dearest friend in the world, "Leigh", and I met in junior high school. We lived around the corner from each other, were in band together, went to the lake on the weekends, and even though we went on very different paths after high school, have remained close (even when we don't talk for a few years at a time). She is very special to me.

Several years ago she was in a horrific car accident (which took the life of a young woman) and left Leigh to never physically be the same. She has, and continues to suffer from that accident daily. She is in chronic pain.

When you look at her, you would never know she was in pain. But if you know her well and look into her eyes, you know that the "spunk" she always had is not there anymore.

I have experienced some extremely difficult things in my life but this is the one situation that I continue to ask God, "Why?" "Why did that truck hit her car? Why was the life of her young friend taken? Why did she experience and fight cancer for this to be in her future?"

I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that everything happens with purpose attached to it. My prayer for Leigh is that through her physical pain she is able to find purpose with her life. That God touches her in an amazing way to reassure her that she is loved just the way she is. And that she eventually finds the purpose meant for her in this life.

And that one day her "spunk" will return.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Chiropractic treatment
2. Walk-in appointments
3. Burgers on the grill
4. Fans
5. New pillows

You Just Never Know

Today was a pretty busy day at work. I had several phone calls to make to colleagues whose names I mostly am familiar with on email. That's how the business world works I guess. Electronic relationships.

One of the calls I made was to a colleague in Ohio. I knew her name, but honestly, if she had been standing in front of me, I would not have known her. The minute I identified myself, she immediately said, "I remember you! I heard you speak at our Clinical Symposium! I'll never forget your presentation. It really made an impact on me."

That presentation was a huge moment for me professionally. My goal was to touch a heart. To hopefully reach out and encourage a person in the audience to really think about their patients in a more personal way.

It has been several years ago, and that someone still remembers what I said and used it to make a difference in a person's life. That means the world to me.

It assures me that I am on the path that I am supposed to be on.

It also reminds me that words are powerful.

"What am I telling my five year old?"

"Do I always sound bothered when I respond to my fourteen year old?"

"Does my online posting for class make sense, or am I am offending anyone?"

You never know who is listening to you (or reading what you write). If we want to "ooze" we have to strive to always be at our best. No, we can't be "on" all of the time, but we can sure try to live our best life with every breath we have left.

There's a great verse in Ephesians and I really like the version from The Message:

"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift." Ephesians 4:29

You don't need money to give a gift.

Sometimes the best offering is a word of thanks or praise.

Jesus is waiting.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Frozen meatballs
2. Finishing my postings early!
3. A squeaky rocking chair
4. Bags of leaves
5. Bubble baths

It's Always Something

When a child loses their first tooth, it's exciting! A little messy, but eventful. For a child with a bleeding disorder it can be all of those things...plus some.

"Christian's" front tooth has been loose and oozing blood on and off. His teacher was a little concerned yesterday, so I took him to the dentist to get checked out. The dentist took an x-ray and you won't believe what he found….an extra tooth! Another baby tooth is coming in before his permanent tooth!


Looks like he will be getting a few more dollars out of the tooth fairy :)

The dentist consulted with our hematologist and decided it best to pull the tooth (it was barely hanging on), so we went back this morning for the big event. When I saw that Christian would be getting a shot, I panicked! My fourteen year old has never had a shot in his mouth, so I was nervous. The dentist assured me all would be fine per his conversation with our hematologist, so I had to watch him give my little guy a shot (the dentist was pretty sneaky and fast). All is well.


It's moments like these that remind me about my sons and their hemophilia. I get snapped out of my complacency. I really do get complacent about hemophilia. Maybe that's a good sign...that we are living our lives fully and most importantly letting our boys live their lives with excitement and passion.

I will do whatever I can, for as long as I can, to never let hemophilia "rule" my sons.

I know for a fact that "whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13 (The Message)

Today I Am Thankful for:

1. an extremely productive work week
2. "Dr. Matt" and his gentle heart
3. a toothless grin
4. highlighters
5. a weekend away in Santa Fe

Finding My Groove

I finally feel like I can breathe. I hate to say I am "caught up" (because that is just asking for trouble) but after being out sick last week I am finally in a place at work where I know what is next, my house is in order again, and I am seeming to figure school out.

It's been hard finding the time to get my school work completed….mainly the reading. Everything seems to be falling in place. My guys are great in the evenings, because when I go into the office and close the door, they know I am busy and give me the time I need. That makes everything go faster and I actually spend less time away from them.


It goes back to being "intentional" with my time. Making it count. When I sit to read, I pour into my reading and concentrate on the content (sometimes after re-reading several times). When I talk to my children, I look into their eyes and listen to every word they say. When I compose an email, I think about the tone that I am using.

Everything matters.

It's like the old saying "stop and smell the roses." It means taking time to enjoy the things around you, stopping and giving yourself a minute to give thanks, and appreciating your situation.

I am not one to "meditate," but I do admire those who can. On a recent Oprah, she and Goldie Hawn were talking about happiness. They were giving the audience a quiz about different things that can determine your "level of happiness." One of the questions asked was whether or not you spent a time of silence in each day. The results were pretty amazing. About 70% said they did not.

I'm not surprised.

Oprah nearly fell out of her chair and talked to her viewers about how important it is to take a few minutes each day to give thanks to whomever or whatever it is in your life that is greater than your self.

She's right.

Do we take at least one minutes to give thanks and breathe each day? It's not how much time or where we spend the time that is important, but let's be intentional in our day and give thanks.

Can you take one minute?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Sharp scissors
2. A good hair day
3. The ticking of a clock
4. The sound of the heater in the house
5. Fuzz at the bottom of the fridge

The Work to be Done

"Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing." Ephesians 2:8-10 (The Message)

I am being called to ministry. For the longest time I didn't really know what that meant. But through prayer and reflection I have come to believe that God is calling to me to get my Master's in theology. And actually, even going down the path of ordination to become a Deacon.


It's a really hard path. School is not easy. You might think that a field such as "theology" is just a bunch of people spouting off philosophy and Jesus, but I am here to tell you that it is much more than that.

I've gotten upset with God lately. Through my recent weeklong illness (still trying to feel normal) I've had to maintain my reading and posting for school. When I get overwhelmed with all of the reading and lack of understanding I have for so much, I get angry because I really want to quit and "go back to school when my little one is older." God has other plans. It's hard work and I know that pushing through and doing my best is what I am called to do.

I want to have the understanding and knowledge about my theology so that I can be a good witness for those who are seeking Christ. You don't have to go to seminary to be a witness for Christ, but I truly feel as if God is impressing this path on my heart.

He has work for me to do. I am still breathing, so He is obviously not done with me yet! I need to press on and do the work that has been laid out for me.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Being out of bed
2. A stocked pantry
3. The jingling of dog tags
4. Almost all of the clothes being washed
5. Big, old baskets

When Things Come Up

Don't you love when what is supposed to be a "normal" week turns out to be nothing but normal? I started feeling bad Monday evening and Tuesday and Wednesday, I was in bed. I haven't been that sick in a really long time. I managed to get a few hours of work in Thursday and then I tried to catch up on my reading for school. The days I had planned on reading were spent in bed sleeping.

Sometimes it takes a lot to make you slow down.

It also takes a lot for you to give up control.

I have dirty clothes everywhere, my little one's room is a disaster and my menu for the week….well, let's just say our Wal-Mart pizza tasted pretty good tonight.

I have a stack of reading to do for school and a major project and test coming up.

I have to let go of things. I mean, my husband is more than capable, and my fourteen year old is a fantastic help, but when I can't "do" everything I feel pretty guilty. I even question whether or not I should be going to school.

Going back to school is like planning to have a baby….if you wait till you can "afford" the time and money….you'll never have that baby.

It all works out.

In the end, it won't matter how clean your house is, how many home cooked meals you make in a week, or if the towels in your linen closet match your bathroom.

What matters is the love you share with your family and the way you live your life….with passion.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Feeling better
2. Energy to read
3. Choo-choo's rolling on the wood floor
4. Dirty clothes
5. bookmarks

Measure Your Life in ... Love

One of my favorite musicals is Rent. Several years ago I heard music from the show before I even knew the storyline and fell in love with the music. ..one song in particular, Seasons of Love. Rent tells the story of a group of impoverished young artists and musicians struggling to survive and create in New York's Lower East Side in the thriving days of Bohemian Alphabet City, under the shadow of HIV/AIDS.



The one thing that keeps them all together...Love.

Think about the things in our life that exemplify love. I don't mean weddings and roses, but what are the things you do that show you love someone?

Pack a lunch
Bring a Sonic drink as a surprise
Put bubbles in the bath
Wash clothes
Make your spouse's travel arrangements
Take out the trash
Changing a diaper
Picking up a prescription for a sick loved one

There are so many ways to express our love to someone. Being able to love, is a gift...and being loved back, is a blessing beyond our wildest dreams.

God loves you. More than you can imagine. When you think about how much you love your partner or your children, your heart wells up with emotions beyond words.

That, Beloved, is how the Creator of the Universe feels about you.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Matthew 22:37-39

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Heart shaped cookie cutters
2. A new light fixture
3. Heart shaped doilies
4. Elmer's glue
5. Glitter pens

My "Old" Friend

I loved high school. I was blessed to have wonderful friends and fantastic times! I had many special relationships in school, and one friendship has a very special place in my heart.

I met Don my freshman year of high school. He was from the "other" junior high. He sat behind me in typing class (a class I absolutely did not want to take). We got to know each other and became very close throughout our high school years. Many a project was worked on at his house (they had a great big table in the living room where many of us remember some great times). He wrangled me into the Drama Club and Model United Nations and we were in practically every class together (except math...my nemesis). His mother even hung my senior picture in their living room if that tells you anything. And he called me "Cassie," and no one ever did that.

He was the brother I never had. I am not great at remembering birthday's but I have never forgotten his. It's today. I made my annual call to him this morning and that conversation set the mood for having a fantastic day! It just warmed my heart to hear his voice and catch up. Because of Facebook and blogs I feel like we have never been out of touch.

Why do we wait for birthday's and anniversaries, or even funerals before we get in touch with old friends?

I am so glad I talked to my old (not really "old") friend today. And I am hoping he and his lovely wife come out to New Mexico this summer. I want my boys to meet him. I want my "Lance" to meet the person who inscribed my volume of Shakespeare that is in his room.

God placed Don in my life for many reasons. He lives true to his faith. Don never really talked "religion" with me, but he didn't have to. He lived it. I wish I knew then what I know now about my faith because I would have loved to have shared that with him. But you know what? It's not too late.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:3-6 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. birthday's
2. self seal envelopes
3. old candles
4. a positive email
5. clean clothes

What is Yet to Come

It's easy to get overwhelmed. I am the queen of that! When I start to think about work, school, family and all of the medical issues my little one deals with, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is. Isn't that crazy?

Here I am , a pastor's wife, who struggles with doubt.

Doubt about whether or not I can produce in my job as well as expected.

Doubt about whether or not ordained ministry is truly the path God is steering me towards.

Doubt whether or not I am being completely present for my family.

I could go on and on, but fortunately God's word came alive to me today.

I am preparing a sermon for Sunday and today it really came alive to me as I was studying.

“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him--1 Corinthians 2:9(NIV)

We have no clue what is in store for us on here in this world on in eternity. The best is yet to come! The world is not all there is. We are so busy "doing" and "going" that I think we can forget that our true reward awaits us in eternity. At least, I know I can forget.

My "plan" in life was to be a middle school band director, raise my children in the suburbs of the big city and bake cookies for the PTO at school.

Funny how God works. I'm in a second career, contemplating a third, raising my children in a very, small town, and the wife of a pastor. And knowing that the best is yet to come is also a bit overwhelming, but things are pretty amazing the way they are.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. bitter cold
2. an open Bible
3. warm scarves
4. hamburger patties
5. snow on the kitchen floor

What Warms Your Heart?

You ever have those moments that just warm your heart? I've been blessed recently to have a few of those moments.

My five year old came home from the sitter's house and he was carrying an individually wrapped oatmeal cookie with cream on the inside ( The kind of treat I don't ever have in my pantry)! He asked his dad to open his treat. Without hesitation, my little one broke the cookie in half and said, "Here Big Bro." He shared that cookie with love without being asked.

My fourteen year old has been unusually helpful in the kitchen lately. He loads and empties the dishwasher, and even volunteers a night to cook dinner! As he was putting dishes away I leaned over and thanked him for his extra help. I let him know how much I appreciated the things he was doing. He then said to me, "It's really opened my eyes to how much you do, Mom. Thanks for doing everything you do."

My husband and I actually had dinner together...at a restaurant….alone! We talked about everything under the sun and he stopped, looked into my eyes, and told me how much he loved me. An unexpected, beautiful moment.

Through all of the busyness in my life, work, school, kids, chemo, church, God was present in a few extra powerful moments. Those moments get me through my hardest days.

Have you had any "moments" lately?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The possibility of snow
2. A finished assignment
3. Office supplies
4. Being busy
5. receipts

What is Most Important?

It's been a crazy couple of days. I was off work last week for a few days g with my Christian in the hospital and I have been slammed at work. I think today I might actually be able to take a breath. It's all good though. I would rather be busy than twiddling my thumbs.

In the midst of "catching up" I also had to do some reading and posting for school. I did not think I would be able to do it. Being in the hospital this last time took a lot out of me. I'm still not sure why, because I've been in the hospital for much longer periods of time.

I guess the bottom line is that it never gets easier.

This week I've started to really think about what I am doing….being a mom, with a little one that has more medical needs than most, being a wife, working full time, going to school, trying to take part in a Bible study online, and trying to take care of myself.

It's not working. It's just a bit too much.

I am at a point in my life where I may have bitten off a bit more than I can chew.

School has started to freak me out. There are times I am reading my assignments and it may has well been in Chinese! It's just a new language and I am really doubting whether or not I can do this. And I'm wondering if I'm in school for the right reasons.

What are my intentions? Why am I doing the things I am doing?

It's a journey. A journey to living my best life. A journey to determining what is most important.

The center of my life is God. At least it should be. I am letting everything else take over….and it's time to focus.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Grapes
2. Being productive
3. Being a couch potato
4. My new chiropractor
5. Leftover turkey

An Unexpected Change of Plans

Don’t you love making plans? I'm one of those who like to make lists and check things off! You plan out your week, you have certain tasks that need to be accomplished and you actually look forward to being busy and productive.

I started my week by going to my first Yoga class at 6 am on Monday morning! I was so proud of myself for actually going to try something new (and so early in the morning). I figured my week was going to be great since it was off to such a fantastic start.

Then Tuesday rolled around and my “Christian” was having tons of trouble with his leg (and it was his birthday). Long story short, we had to go to the hospital in Albuquerque that evening and are still there (we should be discharged this afternoon).

No more Yoga or Zumba this past week, I missed a day of work because I was absolutely fried, and my schedule of things to accomplish is out the window! But the most important thing is that I was able to be with my son through a painful bleed and his chemotherapy treatment.

Plans. They can be a good thing, but when they change, we have to work to see the purpose in the change. I truly believe God is continually at work in our lives. He has this amazing plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes we listen to that nudge on our heart and other times we don’t. Sometimes we even get angry at the result of things in our lives, and finding the beauty in the things that make us angry is a stretch.

My Christian has been through more than most in his five years. And as I watched him struggle yesterday while being prepped for a procedure and as I watched him being laid on the table for his MRI, I knew at those moments that something amazing is going to happen in his life. Maybe he will be President, maybe he will be the researcher who figures out gene therapy and cures disease.

Maybe he will be the one person who sits with another and tells them that God loves them.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:12 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Chocolate ice cream
2. IV poles
3. Heart monitors
4. Nurses
5. volunteers

The Surprise of My Life

After my "Lance" was about 4 years old, my husband and I decided we wanted to have another child. A year passed, then two, and then the trips to the doctor began. We even took part in some infertility treatments (nothing too major) and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I even enrolled in a study through the UT Health Science Center and no luck.


But a few weeks after exiting the study, I was pregnant! I had truly, finally accepted that I would not bear another child, and lo and behold, I was pregnant. It wasn't quite according to our plans, since my oldest son was 9 years old. It was quite a difference in span of years between them, but you know what….we were thrilled beyond belief!

After an extremely difficult pregnancy, my "Christian" came into the world on January 18, 2006. All 9 lbs of him!

He had hemophilia, which at the time we did not expect, and his hemophilia has proved to be extremely difficult, but you know what I believe? That God has an amazing plan for this child.


And what I know? Is that I would not be who I am today without him.

I love you, Christian. Happy 5th Birthday!

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Thomas the Train
2. cupcakes
3. candles
4. piles of dirt
5. wooden choo choo tracks

Like Christmas Morning

I traveled to Pittsburgh on Thursday for meetings and came right back Friday evening. It was a very long trip….about an 8 hour journey from leaving my home to arriving at my final airport. I was torn about leaving because my "Christian" because had his first chemo treatment Friday, and he was being admitted for overnight observation since it had been a few months since his last treatment.

I knew my husband and oldest son were there with him and all was fine, but being away during this treatment was hard for me. I only missed one treatment last year, so why not have a break? Right?

My husband had to preside over a funeral Saturday, so I had to be back and switch with him on Friday evening. I was hoping to make it before Christian fell asleep, but I didn't quite make it.

I was relieved to be at the hospital with him. Just to touch his forehead as he slept and hear his breathing knowing that the chemo went well.

The next morning, I was up early. I turned toward his hospital bed and he opened his eyes. He looked at me like it was Christmas morning! I was the first thing he saw and he completely lit up with his little mouth wide open. That moment took away all the tiredness, all the disappointment from one of my meetings and completely melted my heart.

It was a moment that is etched into my heart and soul. It was a moment I felt like I didn't deserve because I've not been as "faithful" in my devotional time with God and have strayed off my path of living my most intentional life.

But I know that God sees beyond all of my mess. He loves me the way I am right at this minute and I think that moment that my Christian saw me was probably the same reaction God has when He sees me.

It's almost too much to comprehend. That the Creator of the Universe loves me with an everlasting love.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. The feel of a new book
2. Sharpie pens
3. Restocking the pantry
4. Long, conversations
5. Stinky dogs

An Intentional Journey

I’ve mentioned that my word for the year is “intention.” I want to think about what and why I am doing something. What makes it special? What makes it purposeful?
I also want this year to be about the journey with intention. What do I stumble across? What makes it hard or worthwhile?

There is a new member of the team I work with, who I happen to report to. (As I write this, I am in a hotel in Pittsburgh having just left dinner with her and will join her in meetings tomorrow before flying back home).

I approached my meeting with good intentions. I wanted to allow myself to be open while getting to know her better. I also wanted to be heard and understood. It’s amazing what having the right heart and attitude can do :) It was a great dinner, and we had great conversation about not just work, but our families as well. It’s a journey I will be on as I get to know her better and work closely with her.

Another journey I have been on involves my “Christian” and his chemo treatments. He starts the next big round of treatments Friday and here is the amazing thing. His doctor called me while at my business dinner to tell me that “Christian’s” inhibitor has gone down to 47.5! When we started the chemo treatments it was over 300! It’s working! Slowly but surely. The journey has been worth it.

And finally, I have also decided to claim 2011 as the year I journey to my best health. Not a journey to lose a certain amount of weight or work out a certain number of times a week, but I want it to be a journey of rediscovering myself and finding the place where I feel the best. It is going to be a combination of good eating, exercising, seeing the endocrinologist, and just plainly taking care of myself. I want to be around for my family and if I don’t get to feeling my best, I won’t be good for them.

I’m looking forward to this journey. What journey are you on?

“The journey is the reward.” Chinese proverb

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. A spectacular view
2. Snow
3. On time flights
4. Phone calls delivering spectacular news
5. Hotel coffee

Different

"Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep." Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)

I took my boys to their annual Hemophilia Clinic appointment yesterday. I was expecting a pretty normal, routine visit. My "Lance" is a walk in the park with his hemophilia. He's not had major issues with bleeding, infuses himself regularly and does great. Now my "Christian" is another story.

He is starting another round of chemo on Friday (the treatments last year have really improved his inhibitor levels) and does have regular bleeds, especially in his right ankle, a target joint. He's been walking funny for a few weeks, and I was thankful that we were going to visit with the physical therapist.

Long story short, he was fitted for a brace for his ankle. When we go into the hospital Friday, it will be ready for him to try out.

I know, a brace is not a big deal, no one will probably even notice it under his pants, but the fact is "I" know it's there.

I absolutely hate that my children have to deal with a chronic condition. Yes, it will never "go away" or "get better." When you look at my children you would never know anything was wrong with them medically. Unless they were pretty bruised up at the time. Christian has an implanted port that is often left accessed, so you can see the bandage under his shirt sometimes. And if his shirt is off, you can see the "bump" of his port. Now the brace. An outward sign of something that is not right, something that is different.

When I got back in the car with my boys after our appointment, Lance could see I was a little upset. "Why are you upset about a brace, Mom? It's not a big deal" he said.

He's right. It's not a big deal. Christian could be bound to a wheelchair or not able to walk at all, but my first reaction is that when someone is "different" they stick out. They are marked. And often attacked for it.

I've seen it time and again with Lance. The bullying because he was not a "jock". It was relentless.

My Christian is young enough where his Pre-K friends won't even notice, but soon enough, kids cruelty shines through.

I just worry and I know that I should not worry about tomorrow, because today definitely has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34).

I truly believe my children are here for great things. God created them just the way they are. He knew they were strong enough to handle the "extras" that life would throw at them with a bleeding disorder.

I also know that God blessed me and my husband with these two particular creatures, not just to love them and care for them and raise them to be Godly men, but to help us be better people. To love unconditionally and go the extra mile with all the "stuff" that living bleeding disorder brings to the table.

Different is not bad. I can't imagine what life would be like if we were all the same!


Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Extra blankets
2. Choo- choo tables
3. A kind hearted doctor
4. Clean restrooms
5. That beautiful pink in a New Mexico sunset

I Played

I've played the oboe since I was in 5th grade, so I guess I was about 10 or 11. It was my passion through school and it continued as I went to school and received a Bachelor of Music Education degree and taught for many years in the public school system.

I was very fortunate to play professionally (freelance) around Houston starting in my college days. I can't think of an Easter or Christmas season that I have not played my instrument….until this past Christmas. I didn't even open my case. It's the first time in over 30 years that I had not played during the holiday season.

When we moved from Houston, I lost the opportunities I was fortunate enough to have to perform. When I changed careers and left band directing, I looked so forward to those calls I would get to play at churches around the city. I miss it. For a couple of years I even flew back to Houston during Christmas to play at First Baptist Houston (a very special church in my life) but eventually let it go as many things were changing and I just felt like it was time to move on.

I've just let it go and I never thought I would. But my husband asked me to play at church yesterday, so I dusted off my case, soaked a reed and played.

I've not felt that close to God in a really long time.

I am supposed to be playing! Just because I don't live in the big city with lots of opportunity to play doesn't mean I shouldn't we playing for myself and for God.

I am so glad I had this "Ah-ha" moment. I realized that I don't feel as connected when I am simply a member of the congregation. I need to be involved in the service. Be it reading scripture, preaching, or playing.

I guess we have to venture off our paths sometimes. Maybe it's so that when we get back on track we realize how important our passions truly are.

What have you let go of in your life that brought you joy?

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Grapes
2. Excess medical supplies
3. Rearranging furniture
4. Cardstock
5. Chocolate covered peanuts

My Superstar

I feel like my life began when my oldest son, "Lance," was born 14 years ago. I remember the doctor laying him on my chest and not being able to breathe. I was so overcome with emotion that I did not know how to respond. Tears were flowing and I felt as if my heart was about to come out of my chest.

I also remember when I was pregnant with Lance, talking to my husband and saying, "What if he's not musical?" His father and I are classically trained musicians, so the thought did enter my mind and I wondered "Wouldn't that be odd?"

Lance is a freshman and made the New Mexico All-State Treble Choir this year. Yes, the treble choir. His voice has not changed, but that did not seem to matter. He was selected as one of 200 voices (he is the only male) in the choir.

This week he has been in rehearsals in preparation for the All-State Concert this Saturday. He was selected as one of 6 in his choir to be featured in a sextet in the opening piece!

I guess he turned out to be musical :)

He is a typical 14 year old (doesn't pick up after himself very well, loses things, not much motivation, loves his electronics) but when he opens his mouth to sing……...I almost don't know who he is! It's just angelic!

Just the other night we were having a pretty intense discussion about responsibility and school work, etc. and then two days later, he's a superstar!

I know he has been given an amazing gift. The gift of music. The gift to express himself in a way that not everyone is able.

It's times like this when I want to grab every bully who has ever mistreated him by the neck and say, "Look at this amazing person! How in the world could you be ugly to him? God has blessed him in an amazing way how could you not see the person he is?"

But I know the truth, that all things happen for reasons. That the things my Lance has had to endure have made him stronger. I pray he will continue to be compassionate and caring to others and most importantly that the bullies of the world will get a clue one day.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Having a heart overflowing with emotion
2. Facebook friends with their encouragement and kind words
3. Gloves
4. Priceline
5. Mason jars

Intentional Prayer

My word for 2011 is …….

Intentional.

I want to live with intention. To be purposeful in all that I do.

From the way I react and act with my children and husband to the way I think of things in the past.

My friend Cynthia, a phenomenal artist, recently wrote a few of her personal goals for 2011 on her blog. I especially liked the one that reads "Become less attached to the past (honor it, remember it, but be less reactionary)."

Sometimes I catch myself getting too caught up in the past.

"Why did I say that?"

"What if I would have…..?"

I think the key is to learn from the past and to not dwell in the past.

I had a close relationship destroyed many years ago. One that I think of daily. Could things have been handled and said differently? Of course. But I know that all I can do for now is pray. Pray for resolution. Pray for the other person to understand who God truly is and have a relationship with Him. Pray for forgiveness on both ends.

I plan to be intentional in my prayers.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. a great bagel sandwich
2. pancakes "to go"
3. wearing a fleece jacket everyday
4. peel off labels
5. laughter

The Unexpected

Yesterday, I left in the middle of church to help take a member of our congregation home. She was getting sick and needed to leave, so I drove her. As we left, she said, "Please take me to the hospital."

I managed to get there as fast as I could and my friend and I got her situated and called her husband. I figured he would get there soon and our work would be done.

That's not what God had in mind.

I stayed with her for quite some time and she began talking. Asking questions about why did God still have her around as sick as she had been. What did He want from her? Why was she still here?

Then I started to ask God some of the same questions, "Why am I here? How could I possibly help her?"

I dug down deep to find the right words and continued to pray to God to give me the words she needed to hear. We talked and talked through her pain as she continued to wait. Then at one point she looked at me, tears coming down her face, and she said, "Thank you, for being here with me." And she put her hand on my face.

My husband showed up a while later and checked in with her and then we left to resume our normal Sunday afternoon routine.

But it wasn't routine for me anymore.

God put me in a place where I was not necessarily "comfortable" and He used me. But He did something else, He taught me.

God calls us to do many things, sometimes unexpected things. I'm just glad I listened.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. "smashed" potatoes (as my little one calls them)
2. Clear nail polish
3. Hot soaks on very cold evenings
4. A fresh start
5. A new appreciation